DATE 19990101 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Professor STORYLINE It all Started when... TEXT Professor: One last thing, ladies and gentlemen... Professor: As you know, we're bombing Iraq. Now and then a missile loses its way... Professor: And you sure remember the effects of radiation on people within the explosion area... Professor: And you sure remember the big KABOOM we heard a while ago... Roger: Hey, can we go now? Mike: Gulp! DATE 19990104 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Professor STORYLINE It all Started when... TEXT Mike: Are you trying to say we're all gonna suffer a slow, painful death due to a lost missile formerly destinated to Saddam??? Roger: WHAT? Professor: In fact, I was just kidding. So you see, there are lots of things worse... Professor: ...than the gas leak that blew out the dorm area. By the way, if you want to identify the rest of your clothes, you better start right now. Roger: Okay, so it was a joke. Can we go NOW? DATE 19990105 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE It all Started when... TEXT Mike: Geez! What a DISASTER! Mike: So we lost a lot of stuff and we are gonna sleep in cardboard boxes, but at least nobody got hurt... Roger: Hey you! You're Mike Green, right? I got your Winnie the Pooh undies!! Mike: Just till now... DATE 19990106 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE It all Started when... TEXT Roger: I believe these are yours. HEE-hee! Mike: Thanks, pal. By the way, do you believe in hypnosis? Mike: 'cause if you do, I could say: "Hey, look at my finger! Now you are gonna forget all that undies stuff..." Mike: and if you don't, I'd have to hit you SO HARD, you'd forget everything but your childhood memories... Mike: So. Do you believe in hypnosis? Roger: No, but I DO believe in extreme violence... Hey! Where am I? Last thing I remember is lunch! DATE 19990107 SETTING Hall CHARACTERS Mike STORYLINE It all Started when... TEXT Mike: I'm fine, Ma. I wasn't even near when the whole thing exploded... Homeless? Don't say that, we just don't have a place to stay right now. Mike: I think they're arranging something with the apartment buildings of the area. Right, all my clothes were blown away. Mike: Stop saying that! I'm not naked in the middle of the street! Why do you have to be SO APOCALYPTIC? Sign: List of places available GO GET 'EM! DATE 19990108 SETTING Hall CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE The whole freakin' fauna TEXT Mike: What do you mean, it's too late? All the rooms are taken? Dave: Right. I was in the cafeteria at the same time. Mike: All riiight! And what the heck are we supposed to do now? Dave: We'll have to choose a room occupied but not full. Mike: Wait! But that means... Dave: I'll wonder all my life if that twinky was worth sharing my life with the campus FREAKS! DATE 19990111 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Mike Ray STORYLINE The whole freakin' fauna TEXT Mike: First try... Mike: Hi! I'm Mike Green, I still don't have a room and I... Ray: Sure, maaaan. Come in. Mike: What's THAT music?? It makes my hair stand on end!! Ray: Hindu music, maaan. Helps me to stay in tuuuune... Mike: WHOA! I think I'm seeing THINGS! Ray: So you're in tune, maaaaan! Wall: IF YOU CAN READ THIS YOU ARE STONED DATE 19990112 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Mike STORYLINE The whole freakin' fauna TEXT Mike: Ok. So first try wasn't that hot. But this time... Psycho Roomie 1: The TOP drawer is MINE!!!!! Psycho Roomie 2: We'll see about THAT! Psycho Roomie 1: Oh yeah??? Psycho Roomie 2: YEAH!!! Psycho Roomie 1: OOOOW! Leggo! Help! Help! Call 911! Oh, the humanity! Background: SCREECH! BOOM! GAAH! crash! POW!! splerggh THUD Psycho Roomie 2: I'm warning you... put down that knife! Psycho Roomie 1: You first! Mike: Maybe next time... DATE 19990113 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Mike Steve Waldo STORYLINE The whole freakin' fauna TEXT Mike: Maybe I'm being too picky. Maybe I should try to be more understanding. Mike: Hi! I'm Mike Green. I was wondering... Steve: Looking for a place to stay, uh? Well, you are here just in time! Mike: Nice decoration! Black candles... Uh, say... is that a pentacle? Steve: We're makin' a little "new home" ritual... Waldo! the blood donor is here! Waldo: GREAT! Mike: Uh... maybe I should consider moving to Australia... Steve: Hey! Get back here, you selfish, unconsiderate person! We already summoned the Prince of Darkness! DATE 19990115 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE The whole freakin' fauna TEXT Mike: The last room... My last chance to live with normal people... Mike: I can't look! Mike, Roger: Oh, just GREAT! DATE 19990118 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE The whole freakin' fauna TEXT Roger: Uh, listen Mike. We're already out of room here. Dave just moved in... Mike: Right. That's TWO people. There's still room for another. Roger: Oh. Well, the other guy is... ummm.. Ray. The hippie... you know him, right? Mike: Ha! You liar! I just saw him! He's living in the building across the street! Roger: That must have been his astral body... don't go in there! Mike: Nice try, buster. DATE 19990119 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger Dave STORYLINE The whole freakin' fauna TEXT Roger: Really, Mike. I don't think you're gonna like this place... Mike: Hey. I'll decide if I like it or not, okay? Roger: But we have termites! Noisy neighbors! Bad plumbing! Mike: Hi Dave! Tell me, is this place THAT bad? Dave: It's WORSE. He snores big time. Roger: Right! In four keys! Stacatto or allegro vivace, your choice. Mike: Bummer. I'll have to think about it. Dave: But I still prefer him over the satanic blood suckers! DATE 19990120 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave STORYLINE The whole freakin' fauna TEXT Roger: Listen, Dave, we just can't let Mike move in here! Dave: Why not? Roger: Are you kidding? The guy's a PSYCHO! He'll want to RULE our lives! For the sake of freedom we have to SCARE HIM OFF!!! Dave: And how, exactly are we going to do that? Dave: Now I AM scared!! Roger: If George Washington wore tights, we shall do what it takes to protect the American whatever! DATE 19990121 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike STORYLINE The whole freakin' fauna TEXT Dave: I can't believe I'm doing this... Mike: Sooo... are you Roger's little sister? My, you are just like him, but a whole lot better looking! Roger: Ok. Back to the ol' drawing board. Dave: That's it. I'm OUTTA here!! DATE 19990122 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike STORYLINE The whole freakin' fauna TEXT Mike: My God. What a day! But at least I finally found a place to stay, I guess... Roger: Exactly WHAT are you doing? Dave: Removing your accordion solo CDs from the top drawer! Roger: Wait. Is that Marilyn Manson? Mike: If I jump off from here, would that be enough to kill myself, or just to break a few bones? DATE 19990125 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE The whole freakin' fauna TEXT Dave: I wonder why Roger doesn't want Mike to be our roomate. Dave: He seems like a normal guy, doesn't he? Nothing weird about him. Or at least that's what I have seen... Dave: Could it be that Mike has a hidden DARK SIDE? Could it be that he's really a psycho just waiting to...? Mike: Could you just STOP STARING AT ME??? Dave: ...explode? DATE 19990126 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike STORYLINE The whole freakin' fauna TEXT Mike: Dave, I'm sorry I yelled at you. It's been one helluva week... Dave: No sweat, Mike. I have my temper tantrums, too. Mike: Really? What do you do? Dave: Oh, you know. I kick things and stuff. You wouldn't like to see. Roger: Of course you wouldn't! He's pathetic! He kicks things... right! His SOCCER BALL! He also chews his leather belt... Dave: Unfortunately for Roger I lost both things in the explosion. So Mike, you better take a stroll, you won't like to see this... DATE 19990127 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike STORYLINE Sleeping in the Tub TEXT Mike: It's pretty late... I think I'm going to bed. Dave: There's still a problem... we're three guys for two beds! Mike: That ain't a problem. We have a bathtub, remember? Dave: Right. And who's gonna sleep in the bathtub? Roger: YOU'LL SEE! Someday we members of the silent minority will be HEARD! Dave: Yes. But you are a snoring minority. Mike: Now, shut up or you gonna sleep in the toilet! DATE 19990128 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Pepe STORYLINE Sleeping in the Tub TEXT Roger: You know what sleeping in a bathtub is, Pepe? Roger: Sleeping in a bathtub is waking at 4:00 a.m. when some sleepy roomie misses the toilet and pees all over your face. Roger: You can never take too many precautions with that. Wall: TOILET THAT WAY THIS IS IT DATE 19990129 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Pepe Mike STORYLINE Sleeping in the Tub TEXT Roger: Another hazard of sleeping in the tub, Pepe. You're not only gonna see your ugly roomies at their ugly worst... Roger: You will also receive their first ugly sarcasm of the day. Mike: What is this? Some pathetic version of "Calvin and hobbes"? Roger: Mike, meet Pepe, my pet coyote. Pepe, meet The Thing That Just Woke Up. DATE 19990201 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave STORYLINE Sleeping in the Tub TEXT Roger: I have this obsessive fear... that someone will miss the toilet and pee all over my face! Dave: But that's ridiculous! It couldn't happen! What COULD happen is that someone sits on the tub and takes a dump on you... Dave: Roger? DATE 19990202 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike STORYLINE Sleeping in the Tub TEXT Roger: Mike, I'm serious. I'm not sleeping in that tub. What if someone pees all over my face? Mike: Man, that is NOT gonna happen! Roger: Oh yeah? THAT is what they said about the TITANIC! The Challenger! What about Murphy's Law? Uh? Mike: All right, already! Wait here, I have the solution for your problem... Mike: Enjoy. DATE 19990203 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Cannibal TEXT Mike: Hey! New clothes! I thought you didn't have any money! Dave: Well, I had some money for food... Mike: You spent your food money on CLOTHES? How ya gonna survive the rest of the month? Dave: Geez! I'm not gonna starve to death or anything... I'll figure something out.. Dave: Are you gonna eat that? DATE 19990204 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike STORYLINE Cannibal TEXT Dave: Gosh! I am STARVING! Dave: Hey! Isn't that Marsha 'Megababe' Hart, wearing nothing but a wet t-shirt? Roger: Where? Where? Mike: Lemme guess. She put her clothes on in the nanosecond it took you to look, right? Roger: Bummer. I missed it! Dave: Ne't dime wid be, Doged. DATE 19990205 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike STORYLINE Cannibal TEXT Dave: Hey! Isn't that the girl from 'the X files'? Roger: Where? Where? Dave: Whoops! Sorry. It's only the coffee machine. Uh.... gotta go. Roger: See you around. Mike: What are you, an idiot? Don't you realize he says all those dumb things just to distract you so he can steal your food? Roger: Maybe I'm NOT an idiot. Maybe I'm just trying to help him without hurting his pride. Maybe I'm, like, LETTING him steal. Mike: Oh my God! Now you've done it! I'm the most horrendous, evil gnome on the surface of the Earth! Now you've gone and made me feel completely MISERABLE! Roger: Thank God for snappy answers! DATE 19990208 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave STORYLINE Cannibal TEXT Dave: Maybe spending all my money on clothes wasn't such a good idea... I can't stop thinking about food! Roger: honey tatatata-tata, uuuh sugar sugar tatatata-tata Dave: You're NOT helping me, Roger. Roger: Like the suit? I bought it at a garage sale! Five bucks! DATE 19990209 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike STORYLINE Cannibal TEXT Mike: "Under certain extreme circumstances, human beings have resorted to eating cats, dogs, or even their own kind." Roger: Uh... Mike? Mike: Bug off, man. I'm trying to study. DATE 19990210 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike STORYLINE Cannibal TEXT Roger: Don't look now, Mike, but there's a cannibal behind you... Mike: Right, Roger. Hannibal or Jeffery Dahmer? Dave: Hello, food. Mike: Remind me to believe you next time, okay? Roger: I don't think there's gonna be a "next time". Dave: ksssss... Whip: Chas! Arrow: salt DATE 19990211 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike April Margaret STORYLINE Cannibal TEXT Dave: GRRRRR!!! Mike: Geez! Margaret: Hi, we live next door and we... DATE 19990212 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike April Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Cannibal TEXT Mike: Way to go, Dave. Now the babes next door think we're just a bunch of freaks! Roger: Yeah! WAY TO GO! Dave: Are YOU talking to ME? You're the one in the freakin' chicken suit! Mike: Yeah! You and your stupid chicken suit! Roger: Better watch your mouth, whippin' boy! Dave: Right! What are you, some kind of sadomasochist pervert??? Mike: That's IT! I'm gonna beat the crap outta you WEIRDOS! Roger: We'll see about THAT! Dave: You asked for it, buddy! Marsha: A bunch of freaks? C'mon... April: Fine, don't believe us. Margaret: See for yourself! Marsha: Hi, I'm Marsha and i live... WHOA! Marsha: Uh... Gotta go. Roger, Dave, Mike: NOOOOOOO!!! DATE 19990215 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike STORYLINE The Neighbors TEXT Mike: We have to convince the girls we're not wackos, but I'm so embarassed I can't even look at them straight in the eyes... Dave: Me neither. Roger: Same here. Mike: One of us will have to, but we'll let luck decide. Roger, tell me a number. Roger: Uh... five? Mike: Sorry, you lost! Tell the girls we're going over in a while, if that's okay with them. Roger: Damn my luck! Dave: So, what number did you think? Mike: Blue. DATE 19990216 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Roger STORYLINE The Neighbors TEXT Roger: Well, seems the girls are not home. Roger: But Mike's gonna kill me if I don't give them the message... I know! I can leave them a note! Roger: Mmmh. No pencil. Seems I'll have to... ouch! Paper cut! Roger: Well, that solved the problem really quickly! DATE 19990217 SETTING Boys' Apartment, Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Marsha Margaret April STORYLINE The Neighbors TEXT Mike: You left a note? What kind of note? Roger: A note, Mike. You know, a paper with words on it... Marsha, Margaret, April: AAAAARGGH! Roger: ...and then I wrote "We are coming to get you" and ran outta blood before I could add "out for a pizza".. Mike: I see. Now Roger, you have three seconds to add 'Just kidding', before you start spilling ink all over. DATE 19990218 SETTING Apartment Hall, Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Marsha Margaret April STORYLINE The Neighbors TEXT Mike: That stupid Roger! I gotta get that note before the girls do... What? The door's open! Mike: The note! It's on the floor! Maybe one of them kicked it without even noticing... Mike: Hello? Mike: What an incredible stroke of LUCK! DATE 19990219 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Marsha April Mike STORYLINE The Neighbors TEXT Margaret: Oh my GOD! Marsha, you KILLED HIM!! Marsha: No I didn't! Tell me I didn't! April: Of course you did, you IDIOT! You STABBED him! Margaret: oooooh, the R.A. is NOT gonna like this! Marsha: Don't start on me now, sister... you were the one who told me to grab the knife! April: But it was to THREATEN him, not to KILL him! *Duuuh!* Margaret: We are gonna get bad grades for this! Teachers don't like criminals! My life is over. Mike: So is mine... Marsha: All i know is that I wanted the bat, but Miss Wimpy didn't want any blood stains on her little wimpy clothes! April: That's not the point! A bat can be a mortal weapon too! Like a stiltson or a shovel or... DATE 19990222 SETTING Hospital CHARACTERS Mike Marsha Nurse STORYLINE The Neighbors TEXT Marsha: Oh Mike, why did this have to happen? I just realized how much i care about you! Please don't die! Marsha: I love you! I can't live without you! Let's run away to Puerto Rico and have nights of sin and pleasure! *smooch* Mike: Uh???? Whoa! Cannibals... chicken suits... it was all a dream! Caption: Unfortunately, only the good things were. Nurse: Temperature-taking time, kiddo. Title: CR* Footnote: *College Roomies. What did you think? DATE 19990223 SETTING Hospital CHARACTERS Mike Marsha Roger Dave STORYLINE The Neighbors TEXT Marsha: Mike, I didn't mean to hurt you! Please say you forgive me! Mike: I forgive you* Footnote: *Uncomprehensible mumble due to painkillers Marsha: Oh my GOD! You hate me! I know you do! Don't worry, you'll never have to see my face again! Mike: Marsha! Roger: I don't get it. If you knew you couldn't talk, why didn't you write her a NOTE? Roger: Another round of painkillers for Mike, and a double dose for me, please. DATE 19990224 SETTING Hospital CHARACTERS Mike Marsha Roger STORYLINE The Neighbors TEXT Marsha: Oh Mike, how can you EVER forgive me? I wish I could do something to compensate you for this! Mike: You CAN. *He-he-he* Roger: Consider this a silly question. How do you expect to get a date with Marsha wearing that thing over your head? Mike: *Sigh* DATE 19990225 SETTING Hospital CHARACTERS Margaret April Mike STORYLINE The Neighbors TEXT Margaret: I'm so glad you're okay! I was afraid I'd go to jail as Marsha's partner in crime... Margaret: Anyway, here's a 'Get well soon' card. It was the cutest little bunny I could find! Mike: Hey! Thanks, Margaret! Mike: "Time to die, nerd-boy"??? Margaret: What? April: Cool! A sluggy card! DATE 19990226 SETTING Hospital CHARACTERS Mike April Roger STORYLINE The Neighbors TEXT April: Well, Mike! The doctor said you'll be home tomorrow! Roger: Excuse me, but are you out of your freakin' mind? Roger: Tomorrow is TOO soon! What if you rip your thingamastitches or something? We're talking about your HEALTH here, Mike! Mike: We'll take that risk, Roger. April: I thought you said he didn't give a damn about you! Mike: He doesn't. He just likes my bed. DATE 19990301 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Pepe Dave STORYLINE The Neighbors TEXT Roger: Comfy, Pepe? This is a very nice bed! Well, enjoy it while you can... Roger: 'cause tomorrow we're back to the tub. The uncomfortable, hard, cold as hell tub, full of things crawling out of the drain and fungus all over the wall... Dave: What a sad story. Keep suffering like that, you can send it to Reader's Digest. Roger: Did you know that the faucet leaks? If I open my mouth in my sleep, I drown. DATE 19990302 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Pepe STORYLINE The Neighbors TEXT Dave: Roger, will you stop talking to the coyote and let me sleep, PLEASE? Roger: Don't you know? Stuffed toys come alive and murder people in their beds if you don't talk to them. Dave: Stop clowning and turn off the lights. Roger: As you like it, Dave. Dave: Why do the stupidest things make sense in the darkness? DATE 19990303 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Marsha April STORYLINE Kiss the Cook TEXT April: What's that stuff? Marsha: Supper. Mike is coming home from the hospital and I thought I could cook him something. One slice or two? April: I don't know... Last time you cooked, we needed a stomach transplant... Margaret: Boy, you REALLY want to kill Mike! What did the poor guy do to you??? Marsha: I said: ONE SLICE OR TWO? April: Whoa! I see you're developing an obsession with that knife! Margaret: Great! Either way we'll end up in the hospital! DATE 19990304 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April STORYLINE Kiss the Cook TEXT Marsha: C'mon, give it a try! If you do I promise, I'll never ask you again! April: Okay, just don't use my makeup while I am in intensive care... Marsha: Well? Want some more? April: Let's see... I'm not blind. I'm not deaf. April: But a second dose of that could kill me! DATE 19990305 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Kiss the Cook TEXT Marsha: C'mon, give it a try! If you do, I promise I'll never ask you again. Margaret: *Sigh* Margaret: Urkkgh! Marsha: Maybe the ambulance can give me a ride to the WacDonald's... DATE 19990308 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Kiss the Cook TEXT Hey, I'm back and feelin' great! Dave: Yeah, and what a comeback! Roger: Ooooh no! You can't fool me! You're mad at me and you wanna KILL ME! Mike: Me? Never. Because Roger, my friend, it's better to forgive and forget. Roger: Whatever. Just don't hurt me. Roger: Well, Nostradamus was right. The world IS coming to an end... Dave: Naaaw. Mike just got a date with Marsha! Hey, I wonder what I can do to get stabbed by Margaret? DATE 19990309 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger Dave STORYLINE Kiss the Cook TEXT Mike's Hair: TOING! Mike: grrrr.... Mike's Hair: TOINGG! Dave: Oh, no. You have THAT look on your face. That means you did something really nasty. Roger: Not that nasty. I just added some Viagra to Mike's hair tonic. DATE 19990310 SETTING Restaurant CHARACTERS Marsha Mike Cupid STORYLINE Kiss the Cook TEXT Marsha, Mike: Why do I feel this way? My heart is heavy like a rock... Mike: and my brain feels like it's inside out. Marsha: and i feel a little dizzy. Marsha, Mike: I'll bet I already know what it IS! Marsha: Guilt. Mike: Painkiller withdrawal. DATE 19990311 SETTING Restaurant CHARACTERS Marsha Mike Cupid STORYLINE Kiss the Cook TEXT Arrow: fizz Marsha: So, how many stitches did you get? Mike: Enough to win a free leech. Book: MS Love Arrows 3.0 User's Guide No-charge support is available via a toll call between 6:00 A.M. and 6:00 P.M. Pacific Time, Monday through Friday, excluding holidays Cupid: ? DATE 19990312 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Marsha STORYLINE Kiss the Cook TEXT Mike: Tell me the truth. You don't really like me, do you? You just feel guilty about stabbing me... Marsha: What? That's NOT true! Mike: It IS. Why else would a knockout like you have a date with a loser like me? *sniff* Marsha: That's ridiculous! You're a really sweet guy! Come here. Marsha: What am I doing? Mike: guilt works! DATE 19990315 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave STORYLINE Instamatic Chest Hair TEXT Fly: Bzzzzz.... Dave: URK! Dave: YUCK!!! Stay away from me, you FREAK! Roger: Aaaaw, but why? DATE 19990316 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave STORYLINE Instamatic Chest Hair TEXT Mike: What's the fuss about? Dave: You're not gonna believe it... Roger SQUASHED a fly with his own hand! Mike: Gee, what a surprise! Of course I believe it... You know he is ready for the nut house! Dave: At least, you and I are normal... What's that? Mike: My Spring '99 fuzzy caterpillar collection! Now, if you look closely... Dave: You stay away from me, too! DATE 19990317 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger Dave STORYLINE Instamatic Chest Hair TEXT Mike: But what's wrong with a fuzzy caterpillar collection? Dave: Absolutely nothing. If fact you could became a billionare selling them as chest toupees. Mike: You know, that idea is SO STUPID, it could actually WORK! Dave: Whatever. Just stay away from me. Mike: Insta-matic Chest hair, man! Babes will crawl to you by the dozen! Roger: I've heard enough. Gimme two hundred. DATE 19990318 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike STORYLINE Instamatic Chest Hair TEXT Mike: Hey, Roger. I have a super deal for you! Roger: Thanks, but I already own the Instamatic chest hair 98.... Mike: This is EVEN better! The Instamatic 99 will attatch itself to your chest! Doesn't need glue! Roger: Umm. Okay, but isn't that painful? Mike: Of course (*yeaaargh!*) not! Roger: Do you take credit cards? DATE 19990319 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE Instamatic Chest Hair TEXT Roger: Hey, do you give tech support? My Instamatic chest hair 99 has a bug! Mike: Roger, the Instamatic chest hair 99 IS a bug. What's wrong? Roger: Well, first it worked just fine. Then suddenly it made a little bag, got into it and went to SLEEP! Mike: And...? Roger: And now it won't stay put! It flies everywhere flapping its little wings... Mike: I see. I think you have to upgrade to Instamatic Chest Hair 2000. DATE 19990322 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Bee STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Roger: I have NEWS for you, you stinking BEE! You're DEAD! Roger: Don't move. Dave: Don't DARE! DATE 19990323 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Bee STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Bee: That's right, buddy! It may be just one, but boy, it's gonna HURT! If I go down I'm TAKING YOU WITH ME! Roger: Hold still. I'm gonna kill that bee. It will probably sting you anyway. Dave: You don't understand. Dave: I'm allergic to bees! If I get stung I'm gonna swell like a toad, then choke to death. Roger: Not a chance! I'll hit you hard so the bee dies before you get stung. Dave: Right. Then my nose will bleed and I'm gonna judo-chop you. Roger: All right, all right! So forget the newspaper. I have the solution right here... Roger: There! Wasn't that SIMPLE? I tell you, you always worry too MUCH! Dave: !! Caption: College Roomies from Hell!!! To bee or not to bee Caption: Fact! A honey bee only stings once, then it dies. DATE 19990324 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Mike: Whoa! Wait a sec, there! What are you doing? Roger: You have a bug in your hair. I'm gonna kill it with the spray, so don't move. Dave: That stuff melts your face, Mike. Don't let it happen to you like it happened to ME! Mike: AAAARGHHH!! Roger: HAAA-HAHA-HA! That was a good one, Dave! He's gone, you can take the mask off now. Dave: This ain't no mask, you idiot. DATE 19990325 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Roger: Dave, I'm sorry. It was just an accident. I never thought that spray would melt your face... Dave: I know. Dave: Remember that old Batman villain, 'Two-face'? That guy was HALF BAD because HALF his face was melted. Dave: Do you FOLLOW ME? Roger: Uh oh. DATE 19990326 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Roger: Dave, I'm sorry I ruined your life! But don't worry, I'm not letting that happen again! Good-bye! Dave: Don't jump, you moron! You didn't melt my face, it's just a mask! Roger: Very funny. Well, you ALMOST caused a disgrace! Door: BLAM! Roger: AAAAAARGGH!!! Dave: Mike, you KEVORKIAN! DATE 19990330 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Mike: Look! He's hanging on the flag pole! Dave: Oh gosh! Roger, are you okay? Roger: I'm better than okay. I'm in ecstasy. Having a swell time answering stupid questions. Always wanted to do this. I was a bat in my former reincarnation.... Mike: I'd better get a rope. Dave: Right, a rope! And a rock! Then we tie it to his neck and there he GOES! Roger: I HEARD that! DATE 19990331 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Mike: Grab the rope, Roger! Roger: The rope's too short! I can't reach it! Mike: Mmmh. You lean outta the window, I'll hold your feet. Dave: Me? Not on your life! Mike: YOU do it! You were the one that made him commit suicide! Dave: Yes, but you gave him the final boost! Roger: HELLO? I'm DYING down here! Save the fight for the funeral! DATE 19990401 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike Marsha STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Mike: Ow! Watch it, pal! Dave: Sorry... Roger: Got it! Marsha: Mike...? Mike: Coming, Marsha! Dave: AAAAAARRGH!!! DATE 19990404 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Roger Dave April Margaret STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Dave: AAARRGHH!! Roger: My hero! Dave: Oh my God. We're gonna die! How can you be so calm? Roger: After a while, blood goes to your head and shuts down your brain. Dave: Well, I don't see how THAT made any difference to YOU! April: WHOA! Hey guys, ain't you taking extreme sports way TOO far? Margaret: Why can't we have normal neighbors like the rest of the world? Dave: Great. Not only we gonna die, we also look really stupid hanging up here. Roger: You mean, like wet pantyhose? Dave: I'd rather think of myself as a Christmas ornament. Caption: College Roomies from Hell!!! DATE 19990405 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Mike: Oh, shoot! You, too, Dave? Dave: Of course, me too, you idiot! You're holding me and then you just LEAVE?? Mike: Well EXCUSE-ME for having a life! Marsha needed help and a gentleman's first priority is a babe. Dave: yEAH?? She's got you WHIPPED! She snaps her fingers, you beg and play dead! Roger: Um, we're hanging... Dave, Mike: Shut UP! DATE 19990406 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike Pepe STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Mike: Hang on! I called 911 and they should be here soon... Roger: Mike, can you throw Pepe this way? I don't wanna die without him! Mike: There he goes! Dave: A big 18-wheeler just ran over Pepe. Roger: He does it every time. Always HAS to be first! DATE 19990407 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Roger Dave STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Roger: Well, this has been a ROTTEN day. It just can't get worse. Flagpole: CRAACKK!!! Dave: Don't you EVER say that! DATE 19990408 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Roger Dave STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Flagpole: crieeeeek... Roger: *GULP* Dave: Don't move. Don't blink. Don't even BREATHE! Flagpole: CRAAACK!!! Roger: You forgot "Don't speak"! DATE 19990409 SETTING Hell CHARACTERS "Fat Demon" "Skinny Demon" STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Fat Demon: Mmmh. Look at that. Those two boys are right on schedule! Go get their souls! Skinny Demon: Sez who? Fat Demon: Sez 'puter! Skinny Demon: All right, all right! If 'puter says so... Screen: *ALT-TAB* Angela> Hey, you still there? HOT_666> Just got rid of my roomate, Sweetie! DATE 19990410 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Mike "Garbage Man" STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Mike: If I don't help those morons they're gonna be dead meat! How do they ever get in so much trouble? Mike: What do you say you move your truck just a couple blocks back? Garbage Man: Five bucks ain't enough. Drop in a smooch and I'll think about it. Caption: Meanwhile... DATE 19990411 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Mike "Garbage Man" April Marsha Margaret Roger Dave STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Garbage Man: Well, so I parked the truck just below your friends. You still owe me a smooch. Mike: I can't smooch you because I'm a responsible guy. I have this highly contagious mouth viral infection. Garbage Man: Aaaw. Forget it. I think I heard that one a zillion times... Mike: Ha, big deal. Me too! April: Look! A really big truck parked under them! Margaret: Just in time. There they go! Marsha: Don't wanna look. Don't wanna look. April: Oops! Bad bounce! Window: CRASH! Marsha: WHY did you let me LOOK? WHY??? Mike: Wake up, man! Are you okay? Where's Dave? Roger: Uh...? What? Oh, I think he crashed through a window... Dave: UH OH. DATE 19990412 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Roger April Mike STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT April: Are you okay, Roger? Roger: I guess so, April. Thanks. Mike: Dammit. Dave bounced into Waldo and Steven's window, the Kids in Satan's Service. April: If he's lucky maybe they are not home. Roger: He just fell outta the window and you expect him to be lucky? Mike: Even if they are not home, maybe he's hurt. I'm going up there. April: Is it me, or there's a red horned guy in the window? Roger: Can't be. Mike just left. DATE 19990413 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Steve Waldo Dave "Skinny Demon" STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Waldo: Hey Dave, long time no see! Steve: We need to perform a ritual sacrifice and you drop by! Talk about luck! Steve: Aaaw. Look at that! He just FAINTED! Waldo: Wow. What a WUSS! Skinny Demon: Yeah, what a cry-baby. DATE 19990414 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Steve Waldo "Skinny Demon" STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Steve: I can't BELIEVE it worked! Waldo: Would you sign my book? Skinny Demon: "Demon invocations for DUMMIES"? DATE 19990415 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Mike STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Mike: They're in there! I can hear them! I don't think they're gonna open the door anyway... Mike: In Movie, this always works. Mike: Must be one of those computer special effects. DATE 19990416 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Steve Waldo "Skinny Demon" Dave Mike STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Steve: What do you mean the book is no good!! It worked! Even when we didn't perform the sacrifice! Skinny Demon: I came for this mortal's soul, not because you summoned me! Of course, he's not dead, but that's gonna be our little secret, right, boys? Skinny Demon: ...and buy another book - see ya in hell! Mike: ? DATE 19990417 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment, Hell CHARACTERS "Fat Demon" "Skinny Demon" Dave Mike Steve Waldo STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Skinny Demon: WHAT THE HELL...? Mike: Did I just push the Devil outta the window???? Waldo: OOPS! Bad bounce. Steve: Naw, just a lesser demon. And your little friend, too. Screen: Angela> So tell me more about you. What do you do for a living? HOT_666> I run really fast and far away... DATE 19990418 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS April Roger Mike Dave Margaret Marsha Pepe STORYLINE Assisted Suicide TEXT Dave: Geez! What happened? Roger: You just fell outta the window. Mike: TWO TIMES! Marsha: Mmh, guys, are you gonna be okay? Dave: You're not gonna believe what I saw... *oof!* Mike: He-he! He's delirious! Of course, we'll be fine! See ya! April: Okay. If you need something, we'll be home the rest of the day. Mike: Are we not weird enough for them? Shut up about the demon stuff! Dave: Hey! No pushing! Roger: I'm forgettin' something. What is it? What is it? Roger: What is it? I can't remember. Aw, heck. Forget it. I'll think about it tomor-- Roger: AAAAARRGH! DATE 19990419 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Dave STORYLINE Mr. Hand TEXT Roger: AAAARRRGH! Dave: Just when I thoughT this day was finally OVER.... Mike: The sad thing about it is that it doesn't surprise me at all. Clock: creek creek creek DATE 19990420 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS "Waldo's Sister" Roger Pepe STORYLINE Mr. Hand TEXT Waldo's Sister: Say, little one. What are you doing here? Waldo's Sister: Why did they throw you away? You're cute! And it looks like a bus ran over you... Roger: HEY, KID! You, kid! Leave that coyote alone! Roger: STOP! Coyote-nappin' is a federal offense! DATE 19990421 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike "Mr. Hand" STORYLINE Mr. Hand TEXT Roger: And so, she took Pepe, and I ran after that kid, but couldn't catch her! Mr. Hand: Too bad! I'm really sorry to hear it! What did you do next? Roger: What else? I came home, all alone... Mr. Hand: Oh, that dirty, no-good, snotty coyote-stealing brat! Mike: I'll finish my brushing elsewhere. Roger: Well, Mike, you're not contributing a lot to the conversation, anyway, uh? Mr. Hand: Nope, he isn't! DATE 19990422 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Dave "Mr. Hand" STORYLINE Mr. Hand TEXT Dave: I think Roger lost Pepe AND his mind. I know he used to talk to Pepe all the time, but did you meet the 'substitute'? Mike: Mr. Hand? Oh, I don't think THAT's gonna work... Dave: How come you're so sure? Mike: Well, first of all. Pepe was a good listener. Didn't talk. Mr. Hand just won't shut up. And, besides... Mike: I'm afraid it's starting to develop a mind of its own Mr. Hand: Yer an idiot. Roger: HEY! DATE 19990423 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger "Mr. Hand" STORYLINE Mr. Hand TEXT Roger: Yes, we have a problem! Your ATTITUDE is the problem! Mr. Hand: A problem, UNH? I'll SHOW you a PROBlEM! Roger: Hey! Whoa! What are you doing? Mr. Hand: HA! HA-HA-HA HA-HA! Roger: You know, you're REALLY starting to PISS ME OFF!!! DATE 19990424 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger "Mr. Hand" Woman Baldie Guard STORYLINE Mr. Hand TEXT Caption: This was my day with Mr. Hand. Activities included: Caption: HARASSING. Mr. Hand: Woo-Hoo! Caption: EXTREME SPORTS Mr. Hand: I see a tall, dark stranger... Roger: !!! Caption: SHOPLIFTING Guy: HEY YOU! Drop the biker's glove! Mr. Hand: Never! Caption: USING MY ONLY PHONE CALL TO VOLUNTEER FOR "THE JENNY STINKER SHOW". Roger: HELP!!! Mr. Hand: Gotta call! Gotta get my 15 minutes of fame!!! DATE 19990425 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger "Mr. Hand" "Jenny Stinker" "Abraham Lincoln" Jeff Mike STORYLINE Mr. Hand TEXT Jenny: Today in The Jenny Stinker Show: "Men With Hands And The Hands That Hate Them" Roger: That's right, Jenny - my own hand hates me, and it's outta control. Mr. Hand: Wouldn't you be too, if you were attatched to this loser??? Jenny: Save the fight for later. We have not even started to ask embarassing questions yet. First, we go with the audience Sign: down with CRFH Jenny: Should they get a divorce or try therapy? What do you think, Mr...? Abe: Abraham Lincoln. Hands are evil! A hand killed Kennedy. The Mob? A black hand. And the amazing fact is that Hitler had a hand, too! Jenny: So what do you want to say, Miss...? Jeff: Jeff. Roger, darling, that's a stupid lookin' shirt you're wearing, and I'd also like to ask Mr. Hand on a date... alone. Mike: We saw Mr. Hand giving the Mr. Finger on national television. Roger: That was, actually, me. Mr. Hand: Loser! You've ruined our career! We've been banned! Caption: College Roomies from Hell!!! Caption: WARNING The following show is intended for an emotionally immature, sensationalistic-seeking audience. So go ahead. DATE 19990427 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Dave "Mr. Hand" STORYLINE Mr. Hand TEXT Roger: YEOWCH! Stop it! Mr. Hand: SLAP Roger: ooooow! Cut it out! Leggo! Dave: I'm gonna fail this test. Mike: I'd do something, but it's illegal, and seems like Mr. Hand had the same idea. Roger: Aaagh! gghhjjj! DATE 19990428 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave "Mr. Hand" STORYLINE Mr. Hand TEXT Roger: Psst Dave. You gotta help me! I want to get rid of Mr. Hand, but don't know how! Mr. Hand: Get rid of me??? You sick little loser! I'll KILL you! Roger: MMPH! Dave: Two tips. First, maybe the psychology teacher can help you. Second, whisper your intentions into your GOOD hand. DATE 19990429 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger "Mr. Hand" "Psychology Teacher" "Ms. Hand" STORYLINE Mr. Hand TEXT Teacher: Now, look at my hand... you're feeling relaxed... relaxed... relaxed... Teacher: Now, listen carefully... Roger: relaxed... Teacher: Your hand does NOT have a mind of its own. It's you. You're the one to blame for all the things your hand did... Roger: I am... Teacher: Done! I think you're gonna be just fine. Roger: Mmmh. Thanks. See you in class. Roger: Psychology teachers are nuts... Ms. Hand: Good job. Now how about a nice manicure? Teacher: Yes, master. DATE 19990430 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike "Mr. Hand" STORYLINE Mr. Hand TEXT Mike: Okay, I think it's time for a little talk with Mr. Hand. Mike: Remember elementary school? Roger: St. Peter's School? Mike: Right. Four words: Nuns with big rulers. Mr. Hand: Noooooo! I'll behave, I promise! Don't take me there, please! Roger: Well done, Mike. Now the hand panicked, and you revived my nun-o-phobia. Mike: Who cares about the results? It was too darn fun. DATE 19990501 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave April Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Test Osterone TEXT Dave: AAAARGH! Dave: The Probability test of next week is gonna be TOMORROW! We only have 18 hours to study! Dave: AAAARGH! Roger: And HE is worried? I didn't even know we were taking a Probability course! Margaret: What a stupid thing to do! I lost my class notes... and the test is just a week away! April: Cheer up. You can study with my notes. Margaret: I don't understand your handwriting. April: Then study with Dave's notes. He's the best student, just below you. Margaret: So I have to choose between studying in the looney bin or flunking the test. At least I have the entire week to think about it. Marsha: Doesn't she know the test is tomorrow? April: Bad timing, Marsha. DATE 19990502 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Dave April Margaret STORYLINE Test Osterone TEXT Margaret: I suppose I COULD study with Dave, but those guys are just too weird for me. April: Well, you won't fail... But don't be surprised if Dave gets a better grade than you in the test. Margaret: NEVER!!! Table: WHAM! Dave: Random variables! Distributions! Moment generating functions! Probabilistic models! They're HECK! We're gonna fail and be losers for the rest of our lives! Door: Knock knock Roger: Why are you so upset? We still have 12 hours... Mike: But he still has 2 hours of kicking and screaming to go... I'll get it. Dave: 12? We're dead! Dave: Hey Dave, you've got company. Margaret: Hi. I lost my notes and I was wondering... Dave: Can't concentrate if she's around TEST FAILURE IMMINENT!!! ALERT! ALERT! PANIC OVERLOAD! yikes! TILT! UH OH holy S Dave: Sure, why not? You can sit here. Roger: HEY! DATE 19990503 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Dave Margaret STORYLINE Test Osterone TEXT Mike: I'm going to the bedroom to do some memorizing. See ya lovebir-- people around. Dave: Roger? Roger: Yes? Dave: Stay and die. Roger: What? Dave: I said, "pass the eraser" Roger: Here. Dave: Thanks. You're dead meat. Roger: Uh? Dave: I said, "Thanks. You're a good friend". Roger: Things are getting too subliminal around here. I'm gonna study sitting on the toilet. More comfy. Dave: Hey, this is a free country, man! Margaret: All right! If I can get rid of the 3rd moron, this could be my lucky day! DATE 19990504 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE Test Osterone TEXT Margaret: I'm... gonna... SCREAM... DATE 19990505 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Margaret STORYLINE Test Osterone TEXT Dave: Leaving? Aaaw, but it's still early... Margaret: I know, but I want to sleep a bit before chapter 6. Laters... Mike: Way to go, man! Babes knock on your door just to share your wisdom! Dave: Not only my wisdom, I hope. Boy, she's really something... Mike: Cool! Well, now that she's gone, could I borrow your notes for a sec? Dave: Sure, here- uh? Where are my notes? Margaret: Lock the door! DATE 19990506 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Test Osterone TEXT April: You STOLE Dave's notes? Are you out of your MIND??? Margaret: I'm sorry, but I can't study with him! Margaret: The guy just STARES at me all the time. April: He's got a crush on you and you KNOW it! You just CAN'T do this to him! Margaret: TRY me. April: We'll SEE about that! Marsha: We have to fix that lamp... It sure SPARKLES a LOT! DATE 19990507 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret STORYLINE Test Osterone TEXT Margaret: HEY! April: I gotta do something! Okay, first I steal the notes from Margaret... Margaret: YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET AWAY with THIS! GET BACK HERE! April: Then I run like hell... April: Then I suddenly remember I forgot to open the door... Margaret: Smooth move, little Miss Justice. DATE 19990508 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave April Margaret STORYLINE Test Osterone TEXT Mike: You don't believe Margaret took your notes on purpose, do you? Dave: Of course not! That would be ridiculous! And there she is, I bet. April: Hi Dave! Margaret has something to tell you. Right, Margaret? Margaret: ouch! Uh... my mistake, sorry, I took your notes. Can I stay? Dave: Sure. Come in... Dave: Um, why was she holding a hairspray behind your back? Margaret: Not hairspray, paint spray. Never mind. DATE 19990509 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Dave April Marsha Margaret Leprechaun STORYLINE Test Osterone TEXT Dave: Are you still feeling sleepy? We could make some coffee... Margeret: No, thanks. In fact, I'm really wide awake. Caption: Ten minutes later... Dave, Margaret: ZZZZZZ Caption: THE DREADED ALL-NIGHTER is different for every person. The effects could be any or all of the following phenomena. Caption: Imaginary sounds. April: For whom the bell tolls? Caption: Agressive behavior Marsha: Are you, perchance, imitating me, lady? You can't fool me, you know... Caption: Autopilot. Mike: We looked... and we saw him... the cat in the hat!.. and he said to us... Caption: Speaking in tongues. April: GRftx eiltaz mnh. Marhsa: st aslkejoeijhn. Caption: Leprechaun sightings. Roger: YEAAAAAAARGHHHH!!! Leprechaun: Get away. Arrow: lucky karma cereal DATE 19990510 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Mike Dave STORYLINE Test Osterone TEXT Margaret, Dave: AAAARGH! Margaret: Uh, sorry, I thought it was an ugly nightmare. Dave: We must have fallen asleep while studying for the test, and... Margaret, Dave: AAAARGH! Mike: Could you stop screaming? Every sound is amplified 300% inside my head. DATE 19990511 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Dave Margaret STORYLINE Test Osterone TEXT Mike: I can't believe you made us pull an all-nighter over a RUMOR! Roger: Couldn't you verify it before telling EVERYBODY? Dave: Hey, don't blame me. Blame Frank 'Teletubbie' Jones. He told me. Mike: Was he DRUNK? Dave: Couldn't tell. Never seen him sober. Margaret: Dave? DATE 19990512 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April STORYLINE Televicious TEXT April: You bought a TV? But we didn't have enough money yet! Marsha: I know, but it's a second-hand one. April: You should have asked us about it. Margaret's gonna blow a vein. Marsha: It was a great offer, and it works just fine! Marsha: Did I mention I got a free t-shirt with it? DATE 19990514 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Margaret STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Margaret: Let me get this straight. You took the money we were saving for a NEW television. Instead, you bought that second hand one. Marsha: Yup... Margaret: Give me just ONE REASON I should let you live. Marsha: I still owe you twenty bucks. DATE 19990515 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April Roger "Jenny Stinker" STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Roger: Cool! You got a TV! But there's something strange about it... Marsha: mmmh...er, it's the latest craze! High definition TVs! You know, TALLER ones... April: Geez! Don't you read "Popular Mechanics"??? Roger: I'm OBSOLETE!!!! DATE 19990516 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April Roger "TV Spirit" STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Roger: What are you doing? April: I'm fixing the T.V. Roger: YOU?? Roger: *gasp* NEVER make women with screwdrivers ANGRY!!! Marsha: What are you doing? April: I'm gonna fix this thing even if it KILLS me! Caption: ZAP April: Don't say a word. Marsha: But how could that happen? It was UNPLUGGED!!! Caption: Later that night... Marsha: April? Caption: To be continued... DATE 19990517 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April "TV Spirit" STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Marsha: April? What are you doing? April: Watching the TV... Marsha: Why? April: Good question. I suppose people watch TV because they're too lazy to read a book. Marsha: You're not watching TV, you're just staring at it! but why? April: Sometimes you can see cool 'magic 3-D pictures' in static... Marsha: Heck, forget it. I'm going back to bed. April: POSSESSION is FUN! DATE 19990518 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April Margaret "TV Spirit" "Hairdryer Spirit" STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Margaret: She's been WHAT? Marsha: She's been POSSESSED! Marsha: You gotta see for yourself! Margaret: Marsha, it's three in the morning... Margaret: Geez! WHERE did you get that freakin' TV??? Marsha: "Curses, spells and second-hand electrical devices"! Got the hairdryer there, too. DATE 19990519 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Dave: Who in the world knocks at three in the morning??? Dave: Well I don't care. Anyway I'm gonna beat the crap outta h.... Margaret: Oh gentle human being! I fell off my cloud... outside it's so cruel and cold! Can I stay here tonight? Dave: mmmmmmhh?? Margaret: I said we have a CRISIS! Don't you hear me? Are you brain-dead or what? DATE 19990520 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike April "TV Spirit" STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Roger: Holy... Dave: Oh my God. She's really POSSESSED! Mike, what are we gonna do? Mike: Nothing. It's just a pizza dream. It will eventually go away. Dave: Just a DREAM? It's REAL! Mike: Oh, they always look REAL, but you can tell they're dreams. April is floating in the air. Roger has not said anything stupid. I can even punch you and you won't feel it! Roger: Whoa! Talk about getting HIGH! And she shouldn't watch TV so close! Dave: Just in time, Roger. Mike: Sorry, man. Never been the same since I saw "The Matrix" DATE 19990521 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Margaret Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Mike: Look. I admit I believe in demons, but just because I saw one once... Dave: Yes we DID! Roger: Right. And this morning I saw a leprechaun in my breakfast cereal... Mike: I mean, c'mon! This is almost the 21th century! Ghosts are medieval thoughts for medieval people! I could believe she's possessed by a demon, but not by a spirit! Dave: ooo! Roger: URK! Background: knock knock Mike: Of course some real nasty spirit could not agree with me... Roger: I hope he avenges my death. DATE 19990522 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Margaret Mike Ray Pokono STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Marsha: Oh Mike, you are so STRONG and BRAVE! It takes a REAL MAN to open that door! You're the one who's gonna do it, right? Mike: Uh... right. Background: knock knock Margaret: I really hate when you do that, Marsha. Marsha: Shut up, you fool! It works! Mike: Can't be a wimp... Can't be a wimp... Mike: Gulp! Mike: AAAARGH! Arrow: Ray o'light Arrow: his girlfriend Pokono DATE 19990523 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April Margaret Roger Mike Dave Ray Pokono "TV Spirit" STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Mike: Ray! What are you doing here? Ray: Long time no see, maaan. This is my psychic, medium, guru girlfriend Pokono. Pokono: I can feel a bad entity from miles away. Can we come in? Pokono: Oh holy Manteia! BAD vibes! I can feel the excruciating pain that floats in this room! Roger: Sorry, that's me. Is my recent nuclear wedgie disturbing you too much? Marsha: Mike, who ARE this people? Mike: Ray was going to be my roomie. After living with Dave and Roger sometimes I wonder if hindu music is THAT bad. Margaret: Are these guys gonna help us or are they just the comic relief? Dave: Considering you can't find any exorcists in the yellow pages, all we can do is hope! Pokono: I can sense it now... I'm getting closer to the entity! Closer... closer... no, I'm losing it... cold... cold.. hot!... naw, cold... chilly... hot again... April: It's the 6th time you go around the room, and you have not seen me YET? Pokono: Oh, so there you are. I thought it was just another peyote hallucination. Ray: Talk about being in tune, maaaan! DATE 19990524 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Pokono "TV Spirit" STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Pokono: O entity! Why have you come to a dimension and time where you don't belong? April: Why? I'm trapped here! And living in a haunted TV sucks... now that I have this mortal body I can be evil in a more efficient way! Pokono: You leave that body alone or prepare to suffer the consequences! April: Who you gonna call? The GHOSTBUSTERS??? DATE 19990525 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Pokono Mike Dave Roger Margaret STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Pokono: In order to exorcise the bad entity we need a spiritist session. Link your hands using only your little fingers, and clear your mind of all thoughts. Mike: Now that's gonna be no problem for you, uh, Roger? Roger: Tsk, tsk, Mike. I really saw THAT one coming. Predictability is bad for your comedy... Pokono: Okay, cut it out! I said, clear your minds... let no hostile thoughts disturb you! Pokono: And NO ROMANTIC thougts either! DATE 19990526 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Pokono Marsha Mike Roger Dave Margaret STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Pokono: Spirit! Unknown entity! We shall communicate the usual way... one knock means "yes". two knocks means "no". Oh entity! Are you here? Background: knock knock Roger: Um, could we try a less horrible way to call a spirit? Like, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice? Please? Pokono: Okay, wise guy. If you're not here, how could you answer my question? Uh? Margaret: Excuse me. That's no spririt. Just the guy below our apartment hitting the ceiling with a broom to make us shut up. DATE 19990527 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Pokono Mike Roger Margaret "Hairdryer Spirit" STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Pokono: If you wish to help us, oh dead soul, you will have to take over a mortal body among the ones in this room. We are running out of time, so make your choice. Roger: Uh... Don't count me in, okay? Pokono: Don't be silly. I'm the medium, it will chose me, of course. Light: Fissskk! Pokono: That's funny. The spirit should have entered me, but I didn't feel a thing. Roger: That's funny. I DID! Mike: UH-OH Margaret: Marsha, I warned you that sparkling light would blow a fuse... DATE 19990528 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Pokono Mike Roger Margaret April "Hairdryer Spirit" "TV Spirit" STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Mike: Just GREAT! Now what? I thought you had a plan, Pokono... Pokono: Yes. But this never happened before. Dave: Don't tell me he's possessed too! Margaret: And why, oh why, does he carry a HAIRDRYER?? Roger: I am the spirit that used to haunt this hairdryer. Now step aside, I have a job to do. Roger: Hey you TV girl! FREEZE! DATE 19990529 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger April "Hairdryer Spirit" "TV Spirit" STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Roger: I'm sorry! You're gonna have to evacuate that property right now... Roger: You're breaking too many universal laws... you just can't keep that body! Leave quietly and nobody gets hurt... April: Geez! Who is this guy? KARMA POLICE? Roger: A tough entity, uh? I have a hairdryer... don't make me use it! So, leave or FIGHT! April: Then I have news for you, buddy. You're dead meat! I mean, we really are... but that's not gonna stop me from kicking your rear end! DATE 19990530 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Pokono Mike Roger Margaret April Marsha Dave "Hairdryer Spirit" "TV Spirit" Barney STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Margaret: Are they really gonna fight?? Can't we stop them? Pokono: We can't. Besides, that's why I called that stupid Roger-choosing spirit. Dave: But we're safe, right? RIGHT? Mike: Shhh! It's starting! Marsha: I can't look! Tell me when it's over! April: Eat hot real state infomercials! Roger: Oh no! My brain wants to shut down! Gotta resist! Roger: Here's some air for your hair, sister! April: AAAARGH! Hair damage! Must... reach... conditioner... April: Look what you've done! Split-ends! Now I'm MAD! April: Meet the face of DOOM! Roger: GASP! Blood sugar level increases 300% Adrenaline shot! Margaret: Is this gonna take a lot longer? I'm missing my beauty sleep. Pokono: I must have been Atila in my former life. Pay time, I guess. Dave: The end is near... She's got quite an arsenal there! Mike: Heh! And she has not used the HEAVY stuff yet! Like talk shows! Marsha: ZZZZ April: Good idea, pal! Jenny Stinker! Roger: Oh, the humanity! DATE 19990531 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger April "Hairdryer Spirit" "TV Spirit" STORYLINE Televicious TEXT Roger: Brain cells dying! Must reach a book! April: None of that, my friend. You're defeated. April: And now for the finale... endless hours of O.J. trial! ............-uh?- Roger: I don't believe it! The entity ran out of energy fighting... It's gone! April: So THIS is what they mean when they say television is bad for your health... DATE 19990601 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Pokono Mike Roger Margaret Marsha Pokono Dave "Hairdryer Spirit" STORYLINE Televicious TEXT April: Thanks for the help, Pokono! Say hello to Ray, and let's have a veggie burger sometime. Pokono: You're welcome. If you ever get possessed again, just call me, okay? April: Thanks to you guys, too! I'll never forget this *smooch* Mike: Aaaw. Anytime, girl! Margaret: Laters, Dave... *yawn* Dave: See you later, Margaret! April: Ah, Roger.. you still here? Roger: I'm not Roger. What do you mean? I LIVE HERE! Marsha: Not AGAIN! Margaret: POKONO!!!! DATE 19990602 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Roger "Hairdryer Spirit" STORYLINE Televicious TEXT April: I don't believe you're not Roger. Go on, float around a while... Roger: I can't. The fight with the entity got me exhausted. April: Spirits can't feel physical pain. I'm sure you don't mind if I scratch your face a little, just to be sure. Roger: Okay, so I'm Roger. I don't want to live here anyway. Mike's a little less sadistic than you. April: By the way, thanks for the help! Drop by anytime! DATE 19990603 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Mike Marsha April Margaret STORYLINE Free TV TEXT Marsha: And the fine print says: "No refunds, even if your appliance is haunted. Why did you shop here in the first place?" April: That DOES it! Margaret: but...but what on earth are you doing??? April: Getting rid of the freaking TV! What else? Margaret: Are you nuts? We can sell it! April: It's haunted! That wouldn't be ethical! Mike: Blasphemy!!!! DATE 19990604 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave STORYLINE Free TV TEXT Mike: Dave! The girls just dumped their TV in the garbage! We gotta take it out, pronto! Dave: Why? Mike: WHY??? You idiot, it's a free TV for the first one that takes it! Why not?? Dave: Gee Mike, I don't know! Maybe because it's HAUNTED??? Mike: Never mind that! We don't have a TV! I won't let a bum take it just because we're too wimpy to handle a little ghost! Run downstairs as fast as you can, I'll just bungee-jump outta the window! Dave: Things here just keep getting worse and worse! DATE 19990605 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger "Hairdryer Spirit" STORYLINE Free TV TEXT Roger: You're bungee jumping to get the TV before anybody? What if the rope snaps? Mike: Not gonna happen. Don't make me nervous, okay? Roger: but why? Mike: Two words: FREE TV. You figure it out. Roger: Well, I have a theory about it... Mike: I'm dying to hear it, but I gotta jump and get the TV. See ya. Roger: My theory is that you're a REALLY STUPID GUY! DATE 19990606 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Mike Roger "Hairdryer Spirit" STORYLINE Free TV TEXT Mike: Shoot! Missed it! But next bounce... Rope: POING! Caption: Today's SURREALISTIC MOMENT is sponsored by COLLEGE ROOMIES from Hell!!! Roger: Why, Mike, you dummy! You forgot to tie the other end of the rope! Mike: Hang a sec, there! You're possessed again, right? Roger: What do you mean, AGAIN? You never asked me to leave in the first place! I thought that was the deal! Mike: DEAL? We made no deal! And if you can fly, you idiot, why didn't you float down there and got the TV? Duuuh! Mike: NEVER call the one that's holding you an IDIOT... DATE 19990607 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Mike Marsha STORYLINE Free TV TEXT Mike: Yes! the TV is mine... Damn!! Marsha's coming! Where do I hide? Where do I hide? Marsha: AAAARGH! Mike! Just WHAT are you doing here??? Mike: "Meoooow?" "Studying the trash can ecosystem..." "Rehearsing for a broadway play..." "I just wanted some privacy, thank you very much." Mike: HEH-HEHEHE! You mean this is not the elevator? I can't see a thing with these shades on.... DATE 19990608 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger Dave "Hairdryer Spirit" STORYLINE Free TV TEXT Dave: I can't believe what you just did! You're talking to Marsha one second, the next you're running upstairs like a nut??? Mike: Okay, so I panicked! Do you want her to think we're pathetic, in addition to being FREAKS? Dave: She doesn't think we're freaks! Mike: She does, too! Dave: Do YOU think we're freaks? Mike: Yes, I do! Dave: We're not! Mike: We are! Dave: We're NOT! Mike: We ARE! Roger: Sheesh. What are you guys arguing about now? DATE 19990609 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger Dave "Hairdryer Spirit" STORYLINE Free TV TEXT Dave: Not again! Mike: Okay. Let's discuss your so-called "deal"... Roger: There's no deal. You guys are too weird for me. Dave: Too weird? Who's floating in mid air? Roger: Besides, If I'm gonna steal a body, I better choose someone who actually has a life. See ya. Dave: I guess immunizes us forever. Mike: I don't know about you, but I feel insulted. You okay, Roger? Roger: How would YOU feel if a ghost just came out of your nose? DATE 19990610 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger Dave STORYLINE Free TV TEXT Mike: Drat! How are these universal thingies programmed? Dave: So Roger, What's it like being possessed? Roger: Well, It's sure the most extreme thing! Mike: HA! THere ya go, baby! Roger: You feel like you're dreaming, but it's all real... suddenly your body moves on its own, and you feel this awesome power running through your limbs, and... Roger: ...and you're not even LISTENING! Dave: Shhh. Don't you see there's a commercial going, man? DATE 19990611 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave STORYLINE Free TV TEXT Mike: Damn! It's almost eight. I better start my research right now... okay, just half an hour... Mike: I can't believe it! It's 10:30 already??? Just five minutes and this time I'm off for sure. Dave: You're watching TV?? It's 2:14 a.m.! Mike: Uh-huh. Just a sec... DATE 19990613 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger Dave TV STORYLINE Free TV TEXT TV: "A cup, closed in my true love's hand? Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end: O Churl! drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kiss thy lips..." TV: RAW! Pro WRESTLING! Want carnage? Want destruction? Do you CRAAAAVE DESTRUCTION? TV: "Then I'll be brief, O happy dagger! This is thy sheath.. there rust, and let me die." TV: And here comes the PAIN! Oh my! I don't know how can a man take such punishment! Roger: Aaaw, C'mon! Let's walk by again! Dave: Okay, but just just one more time. I can feel my karma growing exponentially. DATE 19990614 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger Dave TV STORYLINE Free TV TEXT Mike: What a sad movie! But at least I didn't get caught watching it. That's just gonna be our little secret, right? TV Spirit: Listen up everybody! Mike was watching 'Romeo and Juliet'!! Mike: Shhh! Shut up! What are you trying to do, RUIN ME?? Dave: Stop smacking the TV... We knew anyway! Roger: The most pathetic thing about it is that you actually cared about those two nuts! Mike: Do me a favor. Go set yourselves on fire. DATE 19990615 SETTING Boys' Apartment, Fair CHARACTERS Mike TV STORYLINE Free TV TEXT TV Spirit: Hear ye! Hear ye! Mike is watching "Free Willy 2"!!! Mike: Shut up, you stupid thing! Shut up! Why do you do this? TV Spirit: I'm bored! I never get out. I never have fun. Mike: Okay, if you shut up, I'll take you wherever you want. Deal? Mike: I feel ridiculous. TV Spirit: Wheee! Rollercoaster: chuck chuck chuck DATE 19990616 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger TV STORYLINE Free TV TEXT Roger: Hiya Mike! Look at my new cap! What do you think? Mike: Mmgghh... Mike: Barf! Roger: Remind me NEVER to ask your opinion about my hairdo, okay?? TV Spirit: Hear ye! Hear ye! Mike got sick on the Merry Go-Round! Mike: Shut up. DATE 19990617 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Roger Mike Fluffy STORYLIKE Pet Rock TEXT Roger: It followed me home! Can we keep it? DATE 19990618 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Fluffy Roger Dave STORYLINE Pet Rock TEXT Dave; Um, that's one heck of a paperweight you've got there... Roger: This is no paperweight. This is my pet rock. Dave: Your what WHAT? Roger: I still have to think of a name for it... How about "Fox Boulder"? Naaah, too spooky. Dave: The bigger the freak, the bigger the rock. Roger: "Rocky"? Lacks glamour. How about "Rocky V"? DATE 19990619 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Fluffy Roger Mike STORYLINE Pet Rock TEXT Mike: WHAT? Mike: Roger, your damn pet rock is up on my bed AGAIN!!! Roger: It's been behaving pretty bad lately. Mike: Maybe you're not spending enough quality time with it. Why don't you take some swimming classes together? DATE 19990620 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger Dave STORYLINE Pet Rock TEXT Dave: If Mr. Spock lived here, he would have hanged himself a long time ago. Mike: And when he woke up, the dinosaur was still there. Roger: Right. But it was not the dinosaur. It was the roach. Dave: That's IT! What's this, a NONSENSE CONTEST? Why can't things be a little more logical and normal around here? Is that a LOT to ask? Dave: I don't understand YOU! And I certainly don't understand YOU! What's that weird stuff you said supposed to mean? Uh? Mike: I was reading... "'And when he woke up, the dinosaur was still there'. This tale, by A. Monterroso, is considered the world's shortest fiction work." Roger: And I THOUGHT it was a nonsense contest. I used to play that with my sister on long, boring car trips. Mike: Gee, what a nut. Roger: And he says I'm the weird one. Dave: Why don't you guys go ravioli-jumping off the Grand Canyon? DATE 19990621 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Fluffy Roger Dave STORYLINE Pet Rock TEXT Dave: What's that? Roger: I got my pet rock its own place. Dave: But it's just a freaking rock! Roger: "Never underestimate the erosion agents" is my motto. Roger: Neat, uh? It sure reminds me of something, but I can't figure it out. Dave: I don't know. Your brain, maybe? DATE 19990622 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Fluffy Roger Dave Mike STORYLINE Pet Rock TEXT Dave: It's just a freakin' rock. It can't be staring at me. Roger: Bad rock! 've told you before not to beg for food! Mike: Step aside. The damn rock tried to hug my leg a while ago. Drill: Whrrrrr DATE 19990623 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Fluffy Roger Mike STORYLINE Pet Rock TEXT Mike: So you finally thought of a name for your pet rock? Mike: I gotta be incredibly bored to have this conversation... Roger: It was a tough decision... Mike: Can't wait to hear it, Roger. Mike: Why do I torture myself like this? I can feel my I.Q. dropping down to zero... Roger: Well, it's a rock and it's my fella, so... Mike: Say no more. You named it "Rockefeller", right? Mike: Almost like TV. Damn power outage! Roger: No, "Fluffy". Why? DATE 19990624 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Roger "Mr. Hand" "Spanking Teacher" STORYLINE Mr. Hand Strikes Back TEXT Teacher: I'll give five extra points to the one who names the ancient greek demon of pointless questions. Teacher: But it better be right, because if it's wrong, that means a PUBLIC SPANKING! Anyone? Board: ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE Mr. Hand: I know, I know! The answer is "YOU"! Roger: Shoot! The hand is back! Teacher: Off with your pants, young man. DATE 19990625 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike "Mr. Hand" STORYLINE Mr. Hand Strikes Back TEXT Roger: Mike! Mike! You gotta help me! Mr. Hand is back, and the teacher spanked me, and... Mike: I don't see him. Roger: He's here, I tell you. Hey you, the hand! Say something, do something! C'mon! Mike: MEEE-OOOW! I mean, get lost, Roger. Roger: Very clever. But you know what? Maybe I can summon the nuns with big rulers MYSELF! Mr. Hand: Go ahead. You do that, and I'll shave your head in your sleep. DATE 19990626 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger "Mr. Hand" STORYLINE Mr. Hand Strikes Back TEXT Roger: Why do you hate me so much? I've been good to you. The creams, the protector gloves... Mr. Hand: The dumb cooking burning, nail biting, nose picking... but it's not just that. Roger: It's not? Mr. Hand: No. You're my handicap. An obstacle in my way to conquering the world. Roger: Conquering the world? That sounds ILLEGAL! Mr. Hand: A big, big, BIG handicap. DATE 19990627 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike "Mr. Hand" STORYLINE Mr. Hand Strikes Back TEXT Roger: Look, i don't know exactly what's that you have in mind, but don't count me in, okay? Mr. Hand: Why, my friend, the next step in world domination is actually pretty obvious. We need an operations center. But I don't want any witnesses around, so your nerdy roomates have to go. Roger: Do you really think you can kick them out, just like that? Mr. Hand: Kick them out? Why bother? I'm gonna eliminate them. Quickly and quietly. Roger: You are NOT! Mr. Hand: Ain't I? Mr. Hand: Ain't I? Ain't I??? Roger: Yikes! Noises: ouch! wait! stop it! aargh! Roger; WHAT?! You tied me up with my own belt! Mr. Hand: I don't want to have any problem with you. Roger: Hey! Don't do that! Mr. Hand: Watch out! HA-HA-HAHAHA! Dig it? *watch* out! You won't need those, ol' pal Roger. Because I'm in charge now. By the way, where do you keep the sharp and pointy things? Roger: I'm NOT speaking to you. Mr. Hand: Hallelujah! Whatever. I can find them myself. Mike: WHOA! People here need some HEAVY STRESS MANAGEMENT!!! Roger: I'm sorry! Mike, did I kill you? I'm blind as an eagle. DATE 19990628 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike "Mr. Hand" STORYLINE Mr. Hand Strikes Back TEXT Mike: So, Mr. Hand... we meet again, at last! Mr. Hand: Your powers are weak, ol' Mike. You can't scare me anymore. Now I'm the one who SCARES. Mike: Takin' off the gloves, uh? Well, I DO have a weapon too! And it happens to be... it happens to be... Roger: Gosh, I'm glad I can't see! Mike: Great! Now what? I hope there's something around I can use! Mike: Um, the latest issue of "Look at 'em" magazine? Mr. Hand: MEEE-OOOW!!! I mean, I'm gonna read it SITTING over your DEAD BODY!!! Roger: I've just changed my mind. I wish I could see. DATE 19990629 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Dave Mike Margaret STORYLINE Mr. Hand Strikes Back TEXT Dave: Hey hey hey! What's the pushing for??? Mike: Running now explaining LA-TAAAAR! Dave: What was all that about? Mike: Mr. Hand's back and he's gone POSTAL!! I'll hold the door, you run and get some help! Margaret: This better be GOOD, Dave. You got me out of the shower. Dave: Uh...mpht..eeeee... *gulp* Mike: Libido later, Dave, dammit! DATE 19990630 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April Mike STORYLINE Mr. Hand Strikes Back TEXT Dave: Uh... I'm sorry, but we're in a mess here... Go figure, Roger's towel went totally towel, and suddenly wants to towel us, because we know he's really naked under that towel, and... Door: SLAM! Dave: Was it something I said??? April: Hey Dave, are you okay? You look like someone whose brain just has blown a fuse! Mike: April! Thank God you're here! Smack the dysfunctional moron and open the door! DATE 19990701 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Dave "Mr. Hand" STORYLINE Mr. Hand Strikes Back TEXT Mike: Wait! Isn't there enough VIOLENCE in Movie already? Do we have to portray it in real life, too?? Roger: Run, Mike! I no longer have control over anything! Mr. Hand: Time to put on your wooden pajamas, buddy! Mr. Hand: BANZAI and GOOD-BYE! Hah! Get it? Mike: I don't need a haircut, thank you very much! Mike: OOF! Mr. Hand: AAARGH! It's STUCK! Mike: HAH! Smooth move, you knucklehead! Let's see if you're so hot without your little knife! Dave: Mike, are you nuts? Don't you just stand around! Start running! DATE 19990702 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike "Mr. Hand" April Margaret STORYLINE Mr. Hand Strikes Back TEXT Roger: I'm sorry, Mike. Carrying around my pet rock has done something to me. Mr. Hand: What do you think? I beat you SINGLE-HANDED! HAH-HA-HA! Get it, Mikey? Mike: Don't you MIKEY me! OOOOOUCH! Stop twistingmy arm! And if you stick to bad puns, you're not gonna need to kill me! I'll do it myself! Dave: Just great. I warned him that wackos are stronger than normal people... April: If that'd be true, you guys would be HULK! Margaret: SEE? I told you a killer-hand insurance was necessary! DATE 19990703 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike "Mr. Hand" April Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Mr. Hand Strikes Back TEXT April, Margaret, Dave, Mike: OH MY GOD! I'm gonna die... April: and receive a Darwin award! Margaret: Like a nerd and surrounded by idiots! Mike: and I'M GONNA DIE!! Dave: virgin... Mr. Hand: Okay... Which one of you kiddos wants to go first? April, Margaret: HIM!!! Mike: Hey! Dave: Thus spoke the people, oh mighty hand. Him. Marsha: Ah, hello Mr. Hand! Long time no see! Mr. Hand: Hiya there, hotcakes! DATE 19990704 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike "Mr. Hand" April Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Mr. Hand Strikes Back TEXT Margaret: I usually hate it when Marsha brings people into submission by being cute, but this time we really needed it i guess. However this wouldn't have happened if we had some molotov cocktails around... Roger: But I like her method better... Dave: I wonder if she's naked under that robe... April: I can't believe that Mr. Hand traded in world domination for some back scratching... Marsha: It always works! Mike: Not fair! He is naughty, he gets his back scratched. I am naughty, I get my lung punctured! DATE 19990705 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Margaret April STORYLINE Fabric Eating Bugs TEXT Marsha: I'm gonna cook something today... After I saved your little bottoms the least you can do is eat it! Margaret: Why save us? To bring us death in a most horrible way? April: NOT on you LIFE! Remember what happened last time you cooked??? April: YEAARGH! Marsha: OOOPS! I think that was not dead after all! Marsha: That NEVER happened! April: Well, it sure FELT like it. Margaret: *snicker* DATE 19990706 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Margaret April STORYLINE Fabric Eating Bugs TEXT Marsha: AARRGH!!! Marsha: Mmmh... and now it's SOAKED! I'll better get the water out before... Marsha: OUUCH!!! HOT! April: I smell catastrophe upon the wind... Margaret: That's it! If it's not flambé i'm not eating it! DATE 19990707 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Fabric Eating Bugs TEXT Marsha: Mike? I need your help... My cooking experiment went terribly wrong! But my friends are gonna laugh at me if they find out! I just GOTTA cheat! Mike: 'Terre Neuve'... yes, I know where it is... bring you what? How do you spell that? Oh lah lah! French cuisine, i see. Mike: Expensive? Oh... well, don't worry about that... okay, I'll get it and I call you. Dave: Just what the hell are you DOING???? Mike: Stealing now, explaining later! Roger: If i'm naked shaking me upside down is pointless, right? DATE 19990708 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE Fabric Eating Bugs TEXT Mike: Isn't the world UGLY enough just the way it is? Put some clothes on, Roger, for God's sake. Roger: Why Mike, I don't wander around naked just for the aesthetical value of it. It happens that I don't have any clothes. Mike: Why am I not surprised a bit? Roger: Well, you should be... because I opened the closet door and this huge horde of bugs attacked me and ate all my clothes! Mike: Next time share the pot, Roger. Roger: He went that way. DATE 19990709 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger STORYLINE Fabric Eating Bugs TEXT Dave: Roger? Roger: Yes? Dave: Maybe i'll hate myself forever, but why are you wearing NEWSPAPER??? Dave: Whoa! What...? Dave: Oh, i see. Hand me the editorial page, please. Roger: Why isn't the world sad enough? Are you sure you don't want the funnies instead? Caption: Censored! DATE 19990710 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Fabric Eating Bugs TEXT Dave: I can't believe it! those bugs ate every piece of fabric in the whole house! No sheets, no towels, no curtains and no clothes! Roger: Relax. It may be the best time to use your kinky leather underwear... Dave: I have no leather underwear, you moron! Our only hope is Mike... we can't let him in or he'll share our fate. Roger: I'm bored with waiting. But what can we do? Let's see. Motorcycling is out. Bungee-jumping is out. Studying is ALWAYS out. Strip poker is definitely out. Mike: Hey, I'm back. What? AAAARGHH! Roger: And going out, ever, is OUT. Dave: opening my eyes again is out, too. DATE 19990711 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Marsha Mike "Bill Gates" "Mighty cream pie-interceptor bodyguard" STORYLINE Fabric Eating Bugs TEXT Mike: I'm telling you, I'm naked! I got the food you wanted, but I can't take a stop out because a plague of bugs ate my clothes. Marsha: That's ridiculous! But I believe it because it's so, like, TOTALLY YOU... Let me think... oh, I think I got it. We will use windows! Marsha: Put the container on the end of the broom... Mike: This is just not gonna work, Marsha. Marsha: Of course it's gonna work, what do you think I am, a DOOFUS? Marsha: AAAARGHH!!! Bill Gates: HAH! We're winning that stupid monopoly court case! That just goes to show 'em who's the guy with the bucks! Mighty cream pie-interceptor bodyguard: "And the geek shall inherit..." Arrow: Mighty cream pie-interceptor bodyguard Bill Gates: Yer fired. Mighty cream pie-interceptor bodyguard: I suppose you're gonna upgrade to a french-cuisine-interceptor bodyguard, right? DATE 19990712 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Margaret April STORYLINE Fabric Eating Bugs TEXT April: Mm-mhh! This thing you cooked is really good! And the little pieces of ceiling make it even more tasty... now, as the only person with leather clothes, you're gonna be kind enough to buy some for us, RIGHT? Marsha: Of course! Buy why the hurry? You still have to eat dessert... Margaret: What have I done to deserve THIS?? DATE 19990713 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Fabric Eating Bugs TEXT Mike: Well, the whole city is in panic and buying leather. I suppose we could do the same, but we just don't have that kind of money. Dave: Y'know, I HAD that kind of money, until someone SHOOK IT OUTTA ME! Mike: Aaaw, stop whining! You woulda done the same thing in my place. Roger: Hiya all you naked people! Go figure, seems like those bugs don't like costumes. Mike: To dress like an idiot or not to dress. That's the question. Dave: You don't get arrested for dressing like an idion, Mike. Roger: A gentle reminder, Dave. Attempting to eat a person in a chicken suit is considered a felony. DATE 19990714 SETTING Costume Shop CHARACTERS Roger Earl STORYLINE Fabric Eating Bugs TEXT Roger: Are these horrendous and ridiculous costumes the only ones you've got left? Earl: Nope. Roger: But these are the cheapest, right? Earl: right. Roger: okay, I'll take them... Incidentally, how come you're not wearing a costume? Earl: And why the hell should I wear... OH MY GOD!!!!! I'm naked!!! Earl: AAAARRGH! Roger: Well, he just lost the little dignity he had left... DATE 19990715 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Fabric Eating Bugs TEXT Mike: "Continued on page 6"??? This is lousy! Where's page 6? Dave: Mike, do you have page 6? I've looked everywhere! Mike: Maybe you're WEARING it, pal! Dave: Damn! I can't see it! Is it there? Is it??? Mike: When you stop chasing your own butt, could you play dead, too? DATE 19990716 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Fabric Eating Bugs TEXT Dave: For God's sake, Mike... the guy did us a favor, after all!!!! Mike: GNNNNAAAAARRRFFF! JUST LET ME AT 'IM! Roger: Nice little doggie... nice little doggie... have you got all your shots? DATE 19990717 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Fabric Eating Bugs TEXT Dave: I've finished the food inventory and this is what we have. An air molecule. Mike: Yum. Roger: You don't know how to look for things, Dave. Let me handle this. Dave: We're gonna starve to death and it's all your fault, you THIEF! Mike: Right! I'm "Mike the Bandit", and you know who you are? "Dave the angry flower"!!! AH-HA-HA-HAH! Dave: GGNNNRRFFFF! No jury would EVER convict me! Mike: HA HA HAHAHA! Roger: Voilà! Found a radish! DATE 19990718 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Fabric Eating Bugs TEXT Dave: 7.6 Mike: Take note, Roger. Waist: 7.6 Dave: Excuse me. A radish doesn't have a "waist" Dave: Geez! Then whatever: 7.6. Roger: Mmmh. That makes our temptative slices 2.5' more or less. Dave: Not fair! The one who gets the waist gets the best slice! Mike: "Objection, your honor! A radish doesn't have a waist!" Roger: Then I'll make the first cut, Dave makes the second and Mike gets to choose a slice first. Caption: 30 second later... Dave, Mike: *sigh* Roger: And now the dessert... Dave, Mike: the WHAT? Roger: Had a few bucks left so I bought a 20-pound bag of zoomorphic crackers... Dave: Um, I see the intelligence of chickens is clearly underrated... Roger: I get into trouble so easily I'm already a crisis expert... Now easy, Mike! This thing is supposed to last for the rest of the week! Mike: As this is clearly a sign of the end of the world, I don't care about tomorrow. DATE 19990719 SETTING Library CHARACTERS Margaret Dave Mike STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Dave: Hi Margaret! Margaret: Oh, hi, Dave. Margaret: !! Mike: You've been using WHAT? Dave: Subliminal messages! DATE 19990720 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Mike: You say you're using subliminal messages to get into Margaret's mind, but i don't understand HOW. Dave: You can't tell? Then it works! It's the shirt, of course... Dave: This shirt pattern is so complex you can hide any message in it...so I printed out "LOVE ME" on a transfer sheet, and then ironed it, and... why are you staring at me like that? Mike: I don't know. I suddenly feel the urge to kiss you passionately... Dave: Maybe it works TOO MUCH! DATE 19990721 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Dave: Hello there, Margaret! Margaret: Hi... Dave. Margaret: GNNNRFF!!! What's happening to me? Dave: Mmmh... I think someone's gonna get a date soon! Jock: Say, cutie. What are you doing saturday night? Dave: Waxing my legs, washing my hair and joining a nunnery??? DATE 19990722 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave "Dave's Conscience" STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Dave's Conscience: YOU! You have turned to the dark side! Using subliminal messages to make Margaret love you is just as low as you can get! Whatever happened to good ol' fashioned FLOWERS and CANDY?? Dave: Who are you? Dave's Conscience: I am your conscience, of course! Dave: Aren't you supposed to be sitting on my shoulder? Dave's Conscience: Happy? Well, now we can discuss that fact that you're the most evil gome on the face of the Earth... Dave: You were supposed to be a lot smaller, too... DATE 19990723 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike "Dave's Conscience" STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Dave's Conscience: You should be glad I'm big. That means you're a good guy almost always. Dave: What'd happen if I was bad? Dave's Conscience: Well, Santa'd bring you nothing, you'd have more fun, and you would go to hell. And your conscience would be small, almost nonexistant. Dave: Like what? Mike's Conscience: You're not going to use that hole in the wall to spy on the girls, are you, Mike? Mike: He-heheh! What do YOU think, "chili wings"? DATE 19990724 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave "Dave's Conscience" STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Dave's Conscience: Promise me you're gonna throw away that subliminal shirt, and... Dave: THROW it AWAY? Are you nuts??? This shirt is brand-new! I have enough money problems already! Dave's Conscience: Well, avoid Margaret when you're wearing it! Just like you do with football players! Dave: If it says 'Like me' instead of 'Love me', would that be equally nasty? Dave's Conscience: Sorry, no go. See ya a lot later, I hope. Dave: Boy, what a pest! I hope he flies over a lake next duck season! DATE 19990725 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret April Marsha STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Margaret: And what are YOU STARIN' at?? April: YOU'RE IN LOVE! YOU'RE IN LOVE! Marsha: Yessss!! The girl has a heart! And Mike owes me 20 bucks! Margaret: God, I need HELP. DATE 19990726 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret April Marsha STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Margaret: I'm NOT in LOVE! April: Aaaw c'mon! What's so wrong with being emotionally vulnerable once in a while? Marsha: But you have all the symptoms! Vacant stare... food sculpture... denial... Margaret: It's something else, something WEIRD. I've never felt so stupid before, so obsessed, so OVERWHELMED. It's like my own brain is against me... April: Yep! Sounds like love! Marsha: According to some internet list, you're already through phase three! Margaret: Why don't you put yourselves in orbit? DATE 19990727 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Fluffy STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Roger: Geez. Who needs love, anyway, Dave? Isn't love a fragile delusion, the blind leading the blind, and the road to hell...? Dave: Even though I'd take you a lot more seriously if you weren't carrying Fluffy around, you're probably right... Roger: Then why ask for it, "Love me" guy? Dave: You mean you can SEE it? Damn! You're right, it's clearly visible! Roger: I think it's the red neon sign on the street. But who needs love? Get a pet rock like me and be happy forever... Dave: A lot more like pathetic forever... See ya, I'm gonna get something to dye this shirt. DATE 19990728 SETTING Apartment Building CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Dave: I never thought this subliminal shirt would bring me so much trouble! Now, if I can avoid Margaret and red lights today, everything will be fine. Margaret: Hi! Going down? Dave: No! I mean, yes! But i'm taking the stairs! More healthy, you know! Sign: WARNING Slippery wet floor DATE 19990729 SETTING Elevator CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Dave: It's only three flights down... what could go wrong? And here we go. Three... two... Dave: one... DATE 19990730 SETTING Elevator CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Margaret: What's that? Margaret: I think you're pushing the emergency button with your back... Margaret: you back, and... Dave: pushing.. the what with the what? Margaret: "LOVE ME" Dave: Aaaw, baby. You know you don't need to ask! .... DATE 19990731 SETTING Elevator CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Margaret: Uh, Dave... your shirt says "LOVE ME" and... Dave: It's NOT what you're thinking! It's NOT a subliminal message! Margaret: SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE??? Well, that explains a whole lot! Dave: No! I mean, I never thought it would work, really!! You gotta believe me! Margaret: Ooooh, I just ought to... Dave: Go ahead, hit me. I probably deserve it. If it's gonna make you feel better, give me your best shot, c'mon. Margaret: mph! Dave: urk! DATE 19990801 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Fluffy STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Roger: Boy! I just had the wildest dream! We were elves, and there was a forest and there was a scream... Dave: Don't rhyme so much, it's annoying. And the scream was real. In fact, sounded like Dave. Get the door, maybe it's him. Roger: Why don't YOU get the door? Mike: 'cause I got it last time! Roger: Define "last time". Mike: Don't get existential on me, Roger. Get the door! Roger: Saaay, Dave. What are you doing down there? Dave: Crawlin' an' bleedin', you jerk. What else? Roger: Why? Dave: Margaret just kissed me... Roger: COOL! Oh, wait. Is she a vampire or something? Dave: No. Bit my tongue when she kicked me on the groin. I really love inane chat, you know, but could you give me a hand, here???? Roger: Sure. Just stay where you are. Roger: So that explains the chipmunk voice! And while you were getting kisses and kicks, i had a strange dream! We were elves, see, and then... Dave: You know what? I've just changed my mind. Put me down and i'll go die somewhere else... DATE 19990802 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Mike: So Margaret found out about the subliminal shirt. After kissing you that woulda been pretty humiliating for her. Dave: Yep. Mike: And you realize after this, Margaret will hate you forever.... Dave: Oh, boy. Here it comes. Mike: I hate saying this, but I TOLD YOU... Dave: If you hate it SO much, then why did you have to say it?? DATE 19990803 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret April Marsha STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Margaret: I can't believe Dave did this to me. April: I don't see why you are so depressed about it. April: You see, the lower a man sinks to get his beloved's heart, the better! If he should steal, kill, kidnap, lie and betray, it's all justified in the name of love! Margaret: You are a very SICK person, April. April: She didn't buy it, Marsha! Marsha: Drat! Then give her the "at least you got your revenge" speech... DATE 19990804 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Dave April STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Dave: Hello, April. Can I speak to Margaret, please? April: She's... uh... not here, Dave... Dave: I know she doesn't want to see me, but we gotta talk! Please let me in... I'll do just anything! April: Just anything, uh? Well, cluck like a chicken and i'll think about it. Margaret: And what the hell is HE doing here, anyway? Dave: Cluuck... cluck cluck clu - HEY! April: Sorry, i couldn't resist it! Besides, it's your fault for not believing me! DATE 19990805 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Marsha STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT April: What are we doing, Marsha? Marsha: Spying, of course, blondie! What else? April: But this is not right! I will NOT take part in this... Marsha: Well, leave then! April: Of course I'm leaving! I have principles, you know! Marsha: Shhh! Just leave, April! April: Will you give me a shout when the kicking starts? Marsha: NO! April: Okay, I'm staying. But I feel guilty about it. DATE 19990806 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Dave: I know you are mad at me, but after this, I promise you, we won't ever have to speak again, if that's what you want. And since I have nothing to lose... Dave: I've had this crush on you since high school, but I realize now that I'm really stupid. I mean, just look at you! YOu're a beautiful, intelligent woman! What would YOU want from a guy like me? Good God, what was I THINKING??? Mike: KISS HER NOW, YOU IDIOT! Roger: Are you NUTS? Last time she kissed him, it was so sweet 'n LOW... DATE 19990807 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Margaret: Before you continue, Dave... i think we're being watched... Dave: I know. And while it's disturbing to be watched as I make a total fool of myself in front of a girl... Dave: What REALLY makes me MAD are the clever suggestions & comments the spying dorks shamelessly drop! Mike: We wouldn't, but you're messing it all up! Roger: YOU NERD! DATE 19990807 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Sub-love-me-nal TEXT Dave: And that's it. When you're in love you do and say lots of stupid things, and there's never a way back. And now I have to keep up my promise... Dave: Thanks for listening. Good-bye, Margaret. Margaret: It doesn't HAVE to be this way, you know... Margaret: We can still be friends... Dave: Really? Margaret: Yes. If you want to. Dave: Of course I want to be your friend! After all... Margaret: ? Margaret: !!! Mike: Did you HAVE to go and kiss her, you idiot? What the hell were you thinking? Uhn? Roger: I think she's starting to like you. This time she only kicked you in the stomach! Dave: Ugh! Could you please take me to my fave dying spot? DATE 19990809 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: My life is over. Mike: I've been through this, Dave. Believe me, you'll survive. Mike: Someday you'll look back at this and realize it doesn't hurt anymore. You'll just learn to live with it. Dave: Really? Mike: And in the meantime we're gonna get you SO drunk, you'll even forget your name! Dave: Um, I'm not sure about this, Mike... Mike: C'mon, it's the male post-dumping tradition! No misery journey is complete without it! Roger: Misery journey! Can I join? DATE 19990810 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: So where are we going for this "misery journey" of mine? Mike: "Where everybody knows your name". Roger: Hey! I know a song about that! Dave: That's the name of a bar??? Mike: Sounds stupid, uh? And it's a rotten lie, too! Only the bartender knows your name, and that's just because you have to show him your I.D.! Roger: "99 bottles of beer on the wall"! Mike, Roger: Take one down pass it around 98 bottles of on the wall!! Dave: And the misery begins... DATE 19990811 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Earl STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Earl: May I see your IDs, gentlemen? Dave: Oops! Mike: Here's mine. Earl: So, what do you want to drink, Mr. Lincoln? Mike: Bartender's blood as always, Earl. Dave: That's the name of a drink, right? Right? DATE 19990812 SETTING Bar CHARACTERS Roger Earl STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Earl: I don't think I've seen your ID, kid. Roger: Wait a minute... Roger: I know you! You were the naked guy at the costume store, right? Earl: Um, have a "Fire Bomb". It's on the house. Roger: Ah, you remember me, too... thanks! Is it strong? I'm not really used to drinking, you know... DATE 19990813 SETTING Bar CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: Mike, what is this thing? Mike: "Real kamikaze" Like a "kamikaze" but this one with "sake" Dave: And what's a "kamikaze" Mike: Vodka, lime, stuff. Dave: but what does "kamikaze" mean? Mike: Don't you KNOW it? Just drink it, Dave! Dave: I KNOW what kamikaze means, I just don't remember. Mike: Those who don't remember history are doomed to repeat it. DATE 19990814 SETTING Bar CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Roger: Wow! I didn't know human eyes could do those kind of tricks! Mike: Wanna try it? But take off your glasses first. Your eyeballs might break them. DATE 19990815 SETTING Bar CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Earl STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Earl: Don't you think you've had ENOUGH, kid? Dave: 'course not! Fill it up! I'm not as drunk as you think I am! Earl: Now you're drunk! Dave: Ri..diculousss! Fill it up... I'm not as truck... as you hit and ran! Dave: Fill 'er ...not ash rum... ash ya gin an' tonic... Earl: I'm sorry, but that didn't even RHYME! Roger: *hic* it up, Earl! Mike: GAAAH! 't's SH-PIDERMAN! Kill 'im!!! Kill 'im!!!! DATE 19990816 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Mike: There's nothing WORSE than a hangover. Dave: Correction. There's nothing worse than waking up on top of a tall tree with a hangover. Mike: Whatever. But please shut up. The slightest sound is a torment. Roger: ZzZzZ- uh? Roger: AAAAAA DATE 19990817 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Mike: How the heck did we end up here, anyway? Dave: I vaguely recall we went to see a Disney movie... Roger: Was that before or after taking part in a porno flick...? Mike: DISNEY MOVIE??? I want to die. Dave: Tarzan, I think. And the porno flick was just a dream, Roger. Roger: I'm sorry, but this sequence was in "Dumbo". And I never have pornodreams. Only weekdays and saturdays. DATE 19990818 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Mike: Did we fly or what? I still don't understand how we got up here! Dave: The main question is, Mike, how are we gonna get down? Roger: According to the chainsaw guy down there, in a really quick, voilent and painful way. DATE 19990819 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Lumberjack STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Background: SKRASSHH! Lumberjack: Damn tree huggers... they're EVERYWHERE! Mike: Not tree huggers. We're, um, koalas... DATE 19990820 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Lumberjack STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Lumberjack: You tree-huggers ain't foolin' me... I know your kind! Mike: We were just sleeping up the tree... look at my nose and if it grows, i'm lying... Lumberjack: Y'know, I don't see how THAT nose could get any bigger... Mike: POW! Roger: Ditto for your gramma, you mass murderer!! Lumberjack: @#!*%@ Dave: Oooooh, my HEADACHE! Damn you, Mike! Do you HAVE to get SUICIDAL everytime someone MENTIONS your nose??? Mike: Shut up and run, pal, or your head's gonna hurt a LOT MORE! DATE 19990823 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: *gasp* Do you think we lost him? Roger: I... think we lost... ourselves! Mike: Hey!... Look at those footprints! Seems we were here last night... Dave: Ooookay. Which one of you guys has PAWS instead of feet? Roger: Not me! It's Mike! I'm NOT a were-coyote! Mom said it wouldn't happen!! DATE 19990829 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: What's all this were-coyote nonsense you're talking about? Roger: It's a nonsense I never said, you never heard, and you can't prove! Mike: Water. Roger: A pond? Dave: Are you nuts, Mike? I'm thirsty too, but that must be contaminated as hell! Mike: You're such a party pooper... let's have a look! Mike: A-ha! Blue! Dave: Mike, this is not Quake. You can't tell water is good or bad just looking at it. Roger: Geez, Dave. You sound like my mom. Never had fun without thinking a lot about it? Dave: Yesterday. Look at me now. Dave: Who knows what evil lurks in this pond? Electric eels, snakes, leeches, jellyfish, flesh-eating bacteria, Loch Ness monster... Mike: I'm not hearing you! See ya! Roger: BANZAI! Dave: Shallow water... deep water... Mike: Still not hearing you... these damn birds are chirping too loud! Roger: Glub! DATE 19990830 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: So, how's the water? Mike: Wonderful. Dave: Does flesh-eating bacteria taste that good? Mike: Hey, you can catch that thing in airports, too. Dave: That's why I never fly. Mike: What are you waiting for, the next 7-11? We're in the middle of nowhere! Dave: Forget it, Mike. Roger: God, was I thirsty! I never drank so much water in my whole life! Wait, I'm still thirsty. Mike: I'm not trying to convice you, Dave. Dave: Aw, what the heck! I'd better get in before Roger drinks up all the water... Mike: Hurry up. The level is going down quickly. DATE 19990831 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Roger: Mmmggghhh! Dave: Hey, this is not so bad after all! Mike: ? Roger: Gulp! Roger: I've just discovered the cure for hangovers. A leech on your tongue. Mike: Heh! And to think I've spent my life drinking gross stuff to cure it... Dave: Thanks for sharing, Roger. I'm outta here. DATE 19990901 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Mike: YEOWCH! Dave: What? Mike: Something bit me. Something BIG... Dave: Sure, Mike. And I'm having my shirt for lunch. I'm not falling for THAT one. Mike: Start eating. Roger: My god, Mike! What an UGLY fish you caught! You're not gonna get your picture taken with that, are you? DATE 19990902 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: Are you still bleeding, Mike? Mike: It stopped. But my arm feels a little numb. Roger: I've never seen a fish like that in my whole life. Dave: NUMB?? What if the fish was poisonous? Say, if you croak, can I keep your CD collection? Mike: Hell, thanks a lot for your concern. I feel so moved. Dave: By the way, Roger, do you just HAVE to poke that fish with the stick till the end of time? It's unnerving. Roger: I'm sorry, but YES. You'll have to take this stick away from my cold dead fingers. DATE 19990903 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: I think we're walking in circles. Mike: We're follwing our own trail, remember? How could that happen? Roger: What kind of idiots would pollute water in a place like this? Mike: Double DAMN! Dave: And what kind of idiots would drink and bathe in that water? Roger: I don't mean to scare you guys, but I think that fish is following us. DATE 19990904 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Marsha April Margaret STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Roger: That fish is SO UGLY, we should conside EATING it so we don't have to see it anymore... Dave: Of all the insane ideas... Mike: Heck. What's to lose? Dave: WHAT? Do you want to add contaminated food to contaminated water??? Mike: My point exactly. It makes no difference! And we're not gonna make it out of the woods before sunset. If we are going to get some food, it better be now. Dave: I'm sorry, but this is just too much insanity for me. Roger: It could be a LOT worse, Dave. Dave: HAH! Like what? Marsha: Hey guys! I have something for youuuuuu! April: Don't open the door! It's a TRAP! Margaret: But if you feel like ending it all... DATE 19990905 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Mike: According to the sun and moss growing on trees, west is that way and north is that way. That means... Roger: That we are lost, lost lost? Mike: No, we already knew that. It means we should have paid attention to basic boy scout training... Dave: Gee. It's getting dark... Dave: It's getting darker, Mike... Mike: Information acquired, Dave! Sorry, i forgot to order the shadows to stay back... Dave: And now we're GLOWING, Mike! Mike: Listen, man! I'm up to HERE with you! "Mike this, Mike that"... so we glow! I guess you don't have to worry about darkness anymore, right? Roger: I don't know about you, but i feel like a very tired firefly. I'm not going anywhere! Dave: So we're poisoned. Great! And I'm spending my last night on Earth with my nerdy roommates. Roger: Could you guys shut up? I can't concentrate on walking towards the light... Mike: I suppose you're gonna spend it whining, right? Roger: ZZZ Mike: ! Dave: ZZZ Mike: Wahoo!! We made it! We're alive! What a great day to be alive! Roger: What? What? Dave: GNNNNN!!! DATE 19990906 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April Margaret STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Marsha: Say, April... have you seen Mike around? April: Not since the night Dave smooched Margaret in SUCH a way... Margaret: I did NOT like it! Marsha: It's strange, me neither... I have a bad feeling about it. April: What's so strange about it? You don't see every one of our neighbors just everyday, do you? Marsha: Of couse not, but Mike is always, you know, "casually" running onto me! And last night when I dropped by to give them some pudding, no one answered the door. April: Maybe they heard you coming with your cooking experiments and decided to jump out of the window. But why are you so worried about Mike? Ar eyou in love, too? Margaret: I am NOT in LOVE!! Marsha: More precisely, I'd love him to take out the dead rat I just found in the bathroom sink. DATE 19990907 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: Yeek! Mike, look at your arm! Mike: Oh, don't worry about it. Just a pizza dream... Dave: AGAIN with the pizza dreams? It's REAL! Mike: It's... not! Dave: It IS! Mike: It's NOT! Roger: I think I'll handle this, Dave. Roger: Okay, snap out of it, man! This is no dream, and you ain't in Kansas, neither! Your arm mutated into some hideous tentacle! Face it! Roger: SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! Roger: *Uggh* Some kind of hideous awfully STRONG tentacle... Mike: You were right, it's real! And you know what? I'm starting to DIG it... Dave: Go ahead and murder him. Just don't blame it on a one-armed man... DATE 19990908 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Roger: Okay, so we drank that toxic water and ate the toxic fish. And then YOU developed a nice tentacle. I wonder what will happen to US? Mike: Yes, but the fish bit me. And now I feel like a Quake monster reject. Dave: Damn squirrels! It's the fifth time TODAY! Dave: If I could catch the little buggers...! ZAP Roger: Flambé squirrel, anyone? Mike: Um, listen Dave... would you mind terribly not ever looking at me again? DATE 19990909 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Mike: I hate life! How come you got the ray-of-death vision and I got a tentacle? It's not fair! Dave: I hate life, too! Why did we turn into freaks while he remains untouched? Roger: Yeah, but that's because I aaaaam to sexy to mutate, too sexy to mutate...! Mike: But Dave, he's already a freak... Dave: Okay, point in case. But he should mutate to normal, then! Roger: Hold that thought. I got an eye in my hand. DATE 19990910 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Roger: Looks BAD, uh? Mike: My GOD! That's HORRIBLE! Roger: Yeah, that too. I mean, it doesn't see too well. I think I need glasses on this one, too. Mike: Dave! Wait! Where are you going?? Dave: INSANE! Good-bye! Roger: Maybe a monocle... DATE 19990911 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Mike: Dave! Are you nuts? Come back! Dave: No! That was the last straw! Just stay away from me! Mike: What's the matter with you? Stop running, man! Dave: NEVER!!! Roger; Oh mighty rusted old coffee can... Mike: That was SO DRAMATIC. But next time, Dave, try running with your eyes open... Dave: Boy, falling down and banging your nose really does wonders with hysterics. DATE 19990912 SETTING Forest CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Genie STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Roger: Well, I needed a rest, anyway. Dave: What is a stupid coffee can doing here, anyway? Mike: Hey! It's not empty! Pretty heavy, actually! I wonder what's inside it... Mike: Gold! Dave: Gems! Roger: Coffee! Roger: Well, it's a coffee can... Roger: ? Mike: Whoa...! Dave: ? Roger: Lemme guess! You're a genie and you were imprisoned by an evil magician. Dave: Is this day never gonna END??? Mike: Whatever! What about our three wishes? Genie: Actually, it was kinda embarassing. I was scratching the bottom of my coffe can and locked myself in. But since this happened just three weeks ago, i can only grant you ONE WISH... Roger: I guess we'll have to think about it... Dave: Think about it? C'mon! This could be our only chance to ever be NORMAL again! We... Mike: I WANT A CONVERTIBLE!! Genie: Granted. Car: VRRRROOOOM!!! Mike: What? DATE 19990913 SETTING Road CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: Really, Mike. I still don't understand how could you do that. You could have asked for your arm back, but instead you asked for a convertable! And you know you will eventually finish college, get a job, save some money and buy it anyway! Mike: Right, after breaking my back for ten years. And then I'd be a cool guy with a convertible... except people would say it's just a middle-age crisis! Dave: Oh, i get it. Now you're a cool guy with a convertible and a tentacle... Mike: I must say I'm one classy freak... DATE 19990914 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Marsha Margaret STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Marsha: April, I'm really worried now. The guys have been missing for days! Something must have happened to them! If they don't answer the door, i'm breaking in. April: We're gonna make total fools of ourselves... fun! I'll go ask Margaret... April: Marsha and I are gonna commit some minor crimes... wanna join? Margaret: I couldn't care LESS, April! April: Bad hair day, uh? Oh, I get it now. You don't want your sweet baboo to have a look at that... Margaret: Read my shirt, April. DATE 19990915 SETTING Road CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Genie STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: Psst, Mike! Let me drive for a while! Mike: Sure, why not? In a thousand zillion years, after the sun implodes... Roger: Psst, Dave! Let's switch places! Dave: I'm sorry, but I'm in a stew, and naturally, I want everyone around me to join my unhappiness. Roger: Oh, but I'm gonna get back at those two morons in SUCH a way... when they least expect it... Genie: ...in the 70's I moved again. A lava lamp! Now THAT is class! And after that, I lived in a shoe. I gotta tell you, that stinks... DATE 19990916 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS April Marsha STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT April: I'm telling you, April, we're gonna make total fools of ourselves... Marsha: Guys? hey guys! Marsha: Okay, enough fooling around! I know you're there! Come out now and maybe I'll just hurt you a little!!! Marsha: HEH-HEHEHE! Sowwy, ex-girlfriend stalking flashback... April: Mental note: MOVE. DATE 19990917 SETTING Road CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: Um, Mike, we're going WAY to fast... Mike: I just want to know how fast this baby can run... Dave: Couldn't you just look at the speedometer? Dave: Dammit, Mike! Slow down! Mike: Aaaw, man, you're no fun! Dave: Oh sorry, i forgot how FUN it's to die! Background: BOOM! Dave: I think we just broke sound barriers... Mike: What? DATE 19990918 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS April Marsha STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Marsha: So you can't pick the lock? April: Nope. But that's actually good. If it was that easy, I'd start worrying about OUR lock... wanna try? Marsha: Me? Hah! Not my style. There are smoother ways to commit crimes. April: Like what? Marsha: I'm sorry... i think we lost our keys... i was wondering... Landlord: Sure! No prob! April: How could I forget about "the kitten look"? DATE 19990919 SETTING Road CHARACTERS Dave Mike Genie Cop STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Car: VROOOMMMM Dave: Well, a cop is following us! I hope you're happy, "King of the Road"! Mike: Shoot! okay, act normal... or something like that... Cop: May I see your driver's license, please? Mike: I'm afraid I'm not carrying it... Cop: Very interesting. A teenager, obviously not wealthy, owner of a hedious tentacle and a brand-new convertible. No license plate, no seat belt properly adjusted and fastened, no driver's license, and zooming along at sound speed. I think I'm forgetting something... ah, yeah, of course... Cop: ...aaaand a naked blue guy smoking pot in the backseat. Genie: I'm made of smoke. Give me a break, will ya? Mike: POT??? Hey, I have nothing to do with that, okay? He hasn't even shared! Cop: I can't wait to hear the explanation, son. Mike: Well, it goes like this. You're lying in a coma in a hospital bed, and we're just an hallucination. Cop: Yeah, right. Like I haven't heard THAT one a zillion times. DATE 19990920 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Landlord: There ya go, ladies. If you need something else, just give me a shout, okay? Marsha: Of course! *giggle* April: Blah... Door: Creeeeak... April, Marsha: *sniff sniff* April, Marsha: Klunk! Arrow: Incredible stench Margaret: Damn fools... DATE 19990921 SETTING Road CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Mike: Look, we're an hallucination. A tentacle, a blue naked guy made of smoke... But if that's not enough, I can PROVE it, believe me. Cop: Feh. Can't wait. Mike: Dave? Dave: Mike? Mike: Burn something with your ray-of-death vision. Dave: I didn't hear the magic word. Mike: Okay, burn something with your ray-of-death vision, you MORON. Dave: To hear is to obey, Herr Kommander. Mike: You realize that if I wasn't a hallucination, Dave would already be dead, right? Cop: Ugh. But that burnt hair smells too damn real... DATE 19990922 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT April: Ugh! Marsha was right! Someone DIED in there! Margaret: Naaaw. Just the usual stench, but concentrated. April: And where did you get that gas mask, anyway? Margaret: You get one free with every box of hand grenades you buy. April: Mental note: Move out tonight. Margaret: Heh. Marsha's still out cold. What do you say we paint a little moustache and a goatee on her? DATE 19990923 SETTING Road CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Roger: Are we there yet? Mike: No. Roger: Are we there yet? Mike: No! Roger: Are we there yet? Mike: You just asked! Roger: Where is there, anyway? Mike: Home. Roger: How far is that? Mike: Two damn states. Now shut up. Roger: Geez, Mike. You're too grumpy. Mike: Perhaps it's that a) my tentacle keeps sticking to every surface, b) Dave burned my hair c) I had to bribe that cop, anyway! Roger: So, are we there yet? Mike: Don't PUSH me into MURDER, Roger. DATE 19990924 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret Marsha Roger Mike STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Marsha: This place is a mess! Margaret: For all we know, they could be rotting under that pile of dirty clothes... April: I suppose taking a look around wouldn't hurt... April: Wow, these guys seriously need a life... they amuse themselves tossing socks into the ceiling fan! Margaret: Ridiculous fetish porno mags box at six o'clock! Marsha: Aaaw! Who uses Winnie the Pooh undies??? Roger: I'm telling you, Mike... I feel a great disturbance in the force... Mike: I feel a nuclear wedgie coming your way... DATE 19990925 SETTING City CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: Great! Finally, a city! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse! Mike: A horse? Okay, then we'll look for the next Burger Fink... I think i'll ask that cutie over there... Mike: Excuse m Woman: YEARRGH! Dave: "Long-sleeved" is the key word here, Mike. Mike: That's actually two words... Damn! She didn't even notice the convertible! DATE 19990926 SETTING City CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Mike: Aaah, just like the old days, before those bugs ate my beloved green sweater... But it still needs a big "U" in the front... Dave: The old days??? That was two weeks ago! Say Roger, where's your blue friend? Roger: I don't know. He called me a pathetic little snot and then he split. Like he was the big conversationalist. Dave: But I still don't understand... how could we get so far from home in just ONE night? Mike: Oooh! Strawberry filling, here I come! Roger: Hey, look who's on TV! Woof! Zoe Day: Authorities are still looking for the three young men who used bananas to hijack a small plane. Witnesses say the hijackers, apparently college students, were "really drunk, obnoxious, and geeky". Zoe Day: These criminals are considered extremely dangerous. Illegal use of fruit is considered a federal offense. Roger: Wow, that Zoe is really a babe. Are you done with the sugar? DATE 19990927 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Marsha: "Gummi bears in leather underwear???" Margaret: Wow... what a buncha perverts! April: Guess what I found? Margaret: Hey! That's our TV! What a buncha thieves! April: Not technically... we threw it away, remember? Marsha: Look! It's THEM! They got drunk and hijacked a plane! TV: "...drunk, obnoxious and geeky! Margaret: Hah! I always said they were a buncha pervs, thieves and hijackers! April: Do you have to include "buncha" in every sentence you make? Margaret: Of course! It's too darn fun! Marsha: My God! I'm literally surrounded by freaks! DATE 19990928 SETTING Diner CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: W..what was THAT, Mike??? Mike: The voice of Doom, Dave... the Voice of Doom. Roger: What's the matter with you guys? Oh, wait a sec! It's a nonsense contest, right??? Dave: The FBI should be here any moment... we're dead meat in a rat-infested sewer. Mike: Hell, we needed plastic surgery, anyway. Roger: Oooh! And it's the "stare vacantly and make cryptic comments" mode! My fave! Dave: What do you say we kill Roger for being so blissfully ignorant? Mike: What's to lose? Roger: Bring back fascism. DATE 19990929 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April Margaret STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Marsha: Aargh. Now that I know what happened to the guys, I'm even more worried than before! Margaret: Why do you worry so much? They weren't that cute anyway... April: Because of a little feeling called empathy, beut it's hard to explain it to someone without a heart... Margaret: Well, you came here asuming they were dead! Instead they're alive and happily committing crimes! There! Marsha: Yes, but they're in trouble! They could go to jail for years! Margaret: HAH! People do tons of illegal things everyday! Just look at us! If our little friends are at all smat, they will get away with it. April: Now you got ME worried. DATE 19990930 SETTING Diner CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: I... I think I'm about to scream... Mike: The HELL you will! Absolutely no panicking here! We can't draw ANY kind of attention to ourselves! Roger: You can't address directly other contestants, Mike. You just lost 10 points! Waitress: Here's your check Mike: AAAAH! Waitress: YEAARGH!! Dave: WAY to go, Mike. Roger: Yeah, way to go! Screaming at random intervals got you 120 points! Mike: My God... DATE 19991001 SETTING City CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Mike: We better get outta here before... U2 Fan: Wait! Do I know you? Roger: Well, I... Dave: Too late, Mike! Mike: Lolapalooza? U2 Fan: Naah. Mike: Star Trek convention? U2 Fan: I don't think so! Mike: U2 concert, then! U2 Fan: COuld be... Wait, I saw him on TV!! Mike: Shoot! U2 Fan: It was you, right? In the Jenny Stinker show, the guy with the psycho hand? Roger: Yes, that was me! And since then, you see, I developed a nice eye in it... Mike: Roger, come here before I kill you. U2 Fan: Extreeeeme, dude! DATE 19991002 SETTING City CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Fletcher STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT FBI Guy: Hey you! Stop right there! Fletcher: FBI... sorry, gentlement, you're under arrest! Dave, Mike: Uh-oh! Fletcher: You have the right to remain... WHOA! Fletcher: Mary? Get me Fox Mulder's phone number... Mary: Don't rhyme so much, it's annoying. And the number is in your cell phone memory, you moron. Fletcher: You still mad at me? I told you that girl was just my cousin... Mary: Fetch your own damn number, Fletcher. Caption: To be continued! DATE 19991003 SETTING FBI Headquarters CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Mulder Scully STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Mulder: So, tell me all about that night... Dave: I can't. I can't remember anything! Mulder: Mmh. Loss of memory. Typical abductee. Scully: But he admitted he was drunk! Mulder: All right, let's interrogate the other freak. Mulder: GROSS! A TENTACLE! Scully: Don't be such a wimp, Mulder. Mulder: Oh, just because you can cut up corpses and have lunch at the same time Mike: Say, can I ask what's the point of the handcuffs? They don't hold anything, you know... Mulder: So you don't remember anything either, uh? Explain something to me. Why do you have a tentacle and your friends are normal? Mike: Normal??? HAH! They never were normal! But now Roger has an eye in his hand, and Dave can burn things just by looking at them... how freakish is that? Mulder: Loss of memory, mutations... there's a pattern here, Scully! Scully: We can't prove it, Mulder. Mulder: What about the tentacle? Scully: Could be an optical effect, or Venus... Mulder: Boy, do I hate you, Scully... Mulder: Nice eye... but where you abducted by aliens or not? Roger: If I say yes, could you get me a date with her??? Scully: Of course not! I don't date LOSERS! Scully: Mulder? DATE 19991004 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT April: To be honest, Margaret, I think you're developing delusions of grandeur. Yeah, you get the best grades, but that doesn't mean the rest of us are all a bunch of losers, you know... Margaret: What? Do you want me to respect mediocrity? April: Oh, so you're judging everyone lese by YOUR standards, then... Margaret: Well, they are pretty high standards! April: You don't have to look down at everybody else just because you're so damn good! Margaret: I don't have to, but I choose to. And I believe in my right to make a kite out of my fanny and fly it with the string I like the most! April: Sure you do, you SNOB! Margaret: At least I'm not a wimp! April: Snob snob snob! Margaret: Wimp wimp wimp! Marsha: Hey girls! Does this nail color match with my blouse? Margaret: Naaah. Get something pinker. April: I can't tell until it's dry. DATE 19991005 SETTING FBI Headquarters CHARACTERS Fletcher STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Fletcher: Sir? Chief: Yes, Fletcher? Fletcher: We have found material evidence of alien visitations. Chief: Positive? Fletcher: According to agent Mulder, yes. Chief: That's not positive. Fletcher: But agent Scully agrees. Chief: Damn. Chief: And the evidence is... Fletcher: Three teenagers that mutated horribly after their close encounter. Chief: Are they militarily useful? Fletcher: I'm afraid not, sir. Chief: Are they expendable? Fletcher: Positive. Chief: Then they must go. Do it yourself, Fletcher. Fletcher: Um, yes, sir. Fletcher: Sir? Chief: Yes? Fletcher: Did you know that cigarettes can actually kill you? Chief: That's just another conspiracy, son. Fletcher: No, I mean, your sleeve is on fire. Chief: Oh, that. Fetch me an extinguisher, Fletcher. DATE 19991006 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Margaret: I'm truly up to here wit this! Good-bye! Marsha: Wait! Where are you going?? Margaret: I'm gonna sleep at the guys' place. Marsha: What if they come back? Margaret: They won't. Marsha: Can't we just talk it over. Margaret: Look, it's not about you, or April. It's about me. I'm a single child and I'm used to being alone. When I'm not, I freak out. Marsha: Promise me you'll be okay. Margaret: I promise. See ya in a couple of days. Door: SLAM! Margaret: Forgot... my... gas... mask... Marsha: Five minutes out, and you already BROKE your promise!!! DATE 19991007 SETTING FBI Headquarters CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Fletcher STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Roger: No-body knows... the trouble I've seeeen... No-body knows... but Jeeesus... Dave: My parents are gonna kill me for this. Mike: We have WORSE things to worry about... Dave: You mean going insane after listening to Roger sing that over and over again? Mike: Besides that. Mike: I mean, what kind of arrest is this? We're not in a cell, looks more like an empty office. And when I asked for a lawyer, they laughed in my face! Dave: Are you saying this is ILLEGAL? For God's sake, Mike, we hijacked a plane... Mike: This is not about the plane anymore! And I think we should split before...(?) Roger: Oh, no-body knows the trouble I've seeen... Fletcher: The three of you. OUT. Mike: Oh, no thanks. We'd rather stay... Roger: Glory hallelujah! DATE 19991008 SETTING FBI Headquarters CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Fletcher STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Fletcher: Okay, now start running. I'll join you in a second. Mike: Oh, so that way if you shoot us, it'll look like we tried to escape. Sorry, I'm not moving. Fletcher: Whatever, kid. Background: BOOM! Mike: People can almost always TALK me into doing things, you know... Fletcher: My methods are quicker. Now shut up and run! DATE 19991016 SETTING Road CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Fletcher STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Fletcher: Well, I think we're far enough. Go on your way, and see you never. Mike: Just like that? Don't you think you owe us some explaining? Roger: YAY! We're FREE! Dave: Mike, no nice man with a gun owes us no explainin'! Fletcher: We have to disappear all UFO evidence that could make people panic. Specially if it's as damn silly as you. We would look ridiculous! But we must fool the media and dorks like Mulder who insists the truth is out there. So the guys we arrested were killed in that explosion. You're offically dead, kids. Dave: Isn't all this you're telling us supposed to be top-secret? Fletcher: What?? HAHAHAHA! That's a good one! The conspiracy is detailed in something like, one zillion webpages, but nobody believes them! Roger: I should know, I have one. And I've only had 1600 crummy hits even with all the X-files stuff... DATE 19991017 SETTING Road CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: Well, seems we're right at the beginning again. Mike: Less an arm, less a convertible. Roger: At least there's a full moon. Mike: Aaw, heck. Forget it. Let's go home. Dave: I suppose we should be glad to be alive... Roger: You've never done this before, have you? Car: VRROOOMMM Dave: This is the WORST trip I've ever been on. DATE 19991018 SETTING FBI Headquarters CHARACTERS Fletcher Mulder Scully STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Mulder: Just how could terrorists infiltrate the building, set a bomb, and then leave without anybody seeing them? Fletcher: Amazing, isn't it? They must be well-trained terrorists... Mulder: Forget it. I'll just resign. Everytime I actually get evidence, someone else screws it all up. Fletcher: Don't resign, Mulder. The bureau wil compensate you for this... Mulder: Hey ba-beee! Wanna ride in my new red convertible? Scully: Middle-age crisis yet AGAIN, Mulder? DATE 19991019 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Margaret STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: At last, after a week of misery, we're finally home! I have NEVER been so weary, dirty and tired in my entire friggin' LIFE! Mike: Wait! Don't you notice something different about this place? Dave: How could I? I left in pain, and come back in agony. Roger is lucky he can sleep and walk at the same time. Roger: ZZZZZ.... Caption: 03:45 a.m. Mike: Damn! The bulb is dead! Dave: Who cares, Mike? I just want to sleep, that's all. Caption: 06:17 a.m. DATE 19991020 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Margaret STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: *sigh* Dave: blink Dave, Margaret: GAAAAH!!! Mike: Shut up! I'm trying to SLEEP! DATE 19991021 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Margaret STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Margaret: What are you doing in my bed, you PERVERT??? Mike: Shut UP! SHUT UUUP! Dave: Uh... I... I don't know... Margaret: Out Out OUT! And YOU shut up, Mike! Mike: OOW! Hey! that was the phone guide! Dave: I'm terribly sory! Don't worry, I'll get out... Dave: Now JUST wait a second... Margaret: Shut up! Mike: You shut up! DATE 19991022 SETTING FBI Headquarters CHARACTERS Dave Mike Margaret STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: Mike, what's going on in there? Mike: Almost nothing, your girlfriend just broke my skull with the phone guide! Dave: Mike, she's not my girlfriend! Mike: Well, someone woke up next to her, and it was not me! Dave: Mmmh. Dave: Okay Margaret, stop throwing stuff around! Now if we just... Margaret: AAAIGH! Dave: Di..did you know that she sleeps naked? Mike: Did you know your hair's on fire? DATE 19991023 SETTING FBI Headquarters CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Misery Journey TEXT Dave: *sigh* Mike: Considering our misery journey was a living hell, I'd think it took your mind off things. Snap out of it, man. You're starting to get chronic. Mike: You know, for a love-hate relationship, you've got a lot out of it, just from LUCK. You slept with her, saw her naked... how much luckier do you expect to get? Dave: How about a little smooch? Mike: Now, now. You've had one of those, too. Dave: How about a little love? Mike: Could be. But you need more than luck to get that. Roger: WHOA! Guys, I don't know what your plans are for tonight, but COUNT ME OUT, okay? DATE 19991024 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Marsha Margaret Clown STORYLINE Cut the Clowning TEXT April: So they're finally back? Great! Even better, we don't need to throw a "Welcome back" party... your little strip show was enough, I hope... Margaret: My God. Why do I ever tell you anything? Now you're gonna tease me for the next three days. April: C'mon. Gimme some credit. That's material for at least a week... Marsha: AARGH! a MOUSE! April: Mouse? Where??? Marsha: That hole in the wall! Margaret: Shhh. Try not to scare him away. Back in a sec. Margaret: Okay, Mickey. I'm gonna blast you into next week. I like Bugs better anyway... April: Are you nuts? Put that thing down! You're gonna kill the guy next door! April: First we have to locate the mouse... Margaret: Right. Then we blast him into next week... April: Shhh! I can't hear! Neighbor: Wh...what's that? Clown: Oh, don't worry about it. It will only hurt one second. Neighbor: You're CRAZY! Clown: Everybody says so, honey, so it must be true, I guess... Neighbor: OH GOD! No! Don't kill me, please don't kill...* April: NGGGHHH! Margaret: Aaaw. And I thought you were a tough girl. Did the big bad mean mouse scare you, April? Marsha: AAARGH! Be careful where you aim that thing! Glass: CRASH! DATE 19991026 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Marsha Margaret STORYLINE Cut the Clowning TEXT Margaret: Really, April. A murder. Next time share the glue, will ya? April: How could I possibly LIE about something like this, Margaret? Margaret: I didn't call you a liar. I think you imagined the whole thing. Marsha: What about the mouse? April: Oh, I feel better now. Either our neighbor is a killer, or I'm insane. Margaret: THAT would reaaaally be the discovery of the century... Marsha: Hey. HEY! But what - about - the - mouse??? April: Well I need to know if I'm crazy or what! Back in a sec, I'll go ask the guy next door. Margaret: Rule #1 for stupid people in horror Movie: Go unarmed into the murderer's hideout and tell him you know everything... Marsha: I can't look! Tell me if the mouse is by me feet! DATE 19991027 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS April Clown STORYLINE Cut the Clowning TEXT Clown: Yeeeeeeeeeesss? April: Whoa! I mean, I'm your neighbor... My rooommates and I heard some weird noises and thought someone needed help. Clown: Oh, don't worry about it, honey. That was... um... just the TV. Horror Movie, yeah. April: Oh. And, may I ask, what's with the clown suit? Clown: Haven't you heard? It's the latest trend in fashion... April: Um, yeah, right. Say, my phone broke... Can I use yours? Clown: Noooooope. DATE 19991028 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Marsha Margaret STORYLINE Cut the Clowning TEXT April: Look, our neighbor is a weirdo psycho serial killer. He tried to make me believe all I heard was the TV, but it was his voice! And guess what, the girl who lives next to him just vanished! Margaret: Please. People disappear everyday. One day they just decide to join a secret government agency and *poof* Marsha: April, you're starting to scare me. My nerves are already shot, thank you very much. April: Wait, the worse is yet to come. He was wearing a CLOWN SUIT! Margaret: CLOWN??? Did you say "Clown"? April: Yes, clown... do you believe me? Margaret: Of course I believe you! Clowns are EVIL! C'mon, we have a lot of stuff to do before sunset! Marsha: Panic in five...four...three...two...one... April: I suddenly wish you wouldn't. DATE 19991029 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Mike STORYLINE Cut the Clowning TEXT Marsha: Mike, I'm so glad to see you! I was worried about you guys! Mike: Aaaw, I was worried about me, too! Just kidding. I really missed you... Mike: What do you say we go to the Movie tonight? Marsha: I can't. We just discovered our neighbor is an evil killer clown, and... Marsha: Are you hiding something, Mike? Mike: Me? No! Why? Marsha: So you deny everything. But I'm gonna make you confess. I have my methods, you know. Mike: There's nothing to confess. Marsha: I'm gonna get you, sooner or later. And you are gonna be SO SORRY... Mike: Uh, I already am. DATE 19991030 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Margaret Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Cut the Clowning TEXT Mike: You're gonna break into the killer clown's apartment for evidence? That's insane! Marsha: We have to be sure before we call the police. We need your help. Mike: That's ILLEGAL! I don't need that kind of problem! Sorry, I'm always glad to help, but not this time. Dave: Mike, can we talk? Margaret: Oh, I KNEW you'd chicken out... Dave: It could be dangerous, and they are gonna do it anyway. We should go. Mike: They're crazy! Gimme a better reason... Dave: Because Margaret says so, and what she says goes, and if you don't agree, I'm gonna tell Marsha the little ugly secret you keep under your SLEEVE! Marsha: Are you sure you wanna do this, Mike? You look pale. Maybe you should stay. Mike: I'm not afraid of killer clowns. The only thing that frightens me is when someone has power over me... Margaret: You're not afraid? Oh, but when we enter the cave of death and terror, you will be. You will be. Roger: Cave of death and terror? Can I join? DATE 19991031 SETTING Clown's Apartment CHARACTERS April Marsha Margaret Dave Mike Roger Clown Fluffy STORYLINE Cut the Clowning TEXT Mike: Did you have to be SO FRIENDLY with that guy?? Marsha: Just to make him open the door. Aaaw, you're jealous? Mike: 'Course NOT! Margaret: Cut that out! We have 10 minutes before the clown comes back... April: Call me picky, but I don't like the wallpaper... Dave: Yeek! Looks like someone tried desperately to scratch a way outta here! Marsha: Please tell me this is ketchup. Margaret: Marsha! Don't touch anything!!! Marsha: Wait. It IS ketchup. *Whew!* Mike: This place is plain sick! Roger: There's a clown with a chainsaw under the bed. Clown: Surprise, surprise, boys and girls! April, Marsha, Margaret: AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!! Mike: HAH-HAHAHAHA! Roger: They said I was crazy, but I always knew I was right. I always said that my destiny is to be murdered by an evil killer clown... Dave: Gaaah! Mike, it's the killer clown! What the hell is so funny about it??? Mike: Sorry, man. I can't help it! Clowns always crack me up! DATE 19991101 SETTING Clown's Apartment CHARACTERS April Marsha Margaret Dave Mike Clown STORYLINE Cut the Clowning TEXT Margaret, April, Marsha: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Mike: Seems your ray-of-death vision is the only chance we have... burn the clown! Dave: I can't! I'm too scared! It only works when I'm angry... Mike: Really? Why didn't you say so before, man? Nothing easier for me than making you angry... April, Margaret, Clown: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Marsha: Oh, I knew you were hiding something, Mike. Boy, are you gonna be SORRY... Dave: GNNAARF!! I'm gonna get you, tentacle freak! Mike: Let's see who gets who, you pathetic Cyclops wanna-be! DATE 19991102 SETTING Clown's Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret Dave Mike Director STORYLINE Cut the Clowning TEXT Director: CUT! Director: What, is that supposed to be scary? We're making the next Blair Witch Project here, not the Toxic Avenger! It HAS to look like a low budget movie, and I said specifically NO cheesy special effects! Who's responsible for this? April: Movie? Margaret: Who are you, anyway? Mike: All right, what the HELL is going on here? Director: SHUT UP! I'm the one asking questions here! DATE 19991103 SETTING Clown's Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Clown Director "Bobby Sprint" STORYLINE Cut the Clowning TEXT Director: Why did you tell them we were making a movie? They were not supposed to know! Clown: I didn't! Director: Then what's with the latex tentacle? Clown: How am I supposed to know? Director: You! Who told you about the movie? Mike: I didn't know, and I didn't know I was not supposed to know! And now I know, I'm gonna punch someone in the nose! Director: Then what's with the latex tentacle? Mike: This is NOT a latex tentacle! Director: Okay, now my head is gonna explode. Clown: Getting a desk job keeps making more sense every minute. Bobby Sprint: I'll tell ya what's going on here... We're making a zillion dollars!!! Mike: And who the heck is THAT? DATE 19991104 SETTING Clown's Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Dave Mike Roger Director "Bobby Sprint" STORYLINE Cut the Clowning TEXT Mike: Who are you? Director: Bobby Sprint, unincarnated Vegas talent manager. He's producing this movie. Bobby Sprint: Of course I am! Low budget Movie starring normal, unwilling, ugly and boring people are the rage now! Bobby Sprint: OOOh-lah-lah! What's your name, sweetheart? Marsha: I'm Marsha. Bobby Sprint: Marsha babe, I SEE you have BIG potential! What about the rest of the cast? Marsha: They're my roommates. Bobby Sprint: Roommates, uh? Bobby Sprint: Just a little more blood, a little more kicks, and some hooters... voilà! We have a winner! We'll call it "Teenage Mutant Ninja Roommates! Dave: Excuse me. We're NOT ninjas. Roger: Excuse me. I am. DATE 19991107 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Dave Mike Roger Fluffy STORYLINE Revenge TEXT Mike: I've never been so pissed off in my whole life. I don't want to be the star of such a stupid movie! Roger: Can't we sue them or something? Mike: We can't. They own our sorry collective butt. Mike: If we even try to, they'll use the video against us! After all, we broke into the apartment illegally! Roger: Shoot. Mike: And because of that stupid movie, Marsha is mad at me. Roger: Cheer up, man. At least Dave can't blackmail you anymore. Mike: Whee. Mike: Nobody does something like that to me and walks fearless on the surface of the earth. Yes, they may think they won... Mike: Margaret: ...but I SHALL have my REVENGE!!! Mike: And we will strike down upon them with great vengeance and fuuuurious anger... Margaret: Sure! Your place or mine? DATE 19991108 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Marsha STORYLINE Revenge TEXT April: Can you believe it??? Now Margaret is blaming me for everything! And it was HER idea! Marsha: Well, don't get mad... get even! April: Oh, sometimes I really wish I could be that way. Marsha: Why are you mixing Margaret's Slim fast with body building weight gain powder? April: Wish granted! DATE 19991109 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Dave Mike STORYLINE Revenge TEXT Mike: And so, if we combine the Molotov cocktails and... Margaret: Time out, Mike. I need a break. We've been on this for hours... Mike: I know exactly what you need. One of my special massages... You'll love it. Margaret: Mmmmh. Not bad, actually... Margaret: And the tentacle makes it even better... Mike: I know. DATE 19991110 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Fluffy STORYLINE Revenge TEXT Roger: You're lucky to be a rock, Fluffy. The world is such an evil, evil place... Whatever happened to good ol' forgive and forget? Dave: ??? Roger: What's gonna happen if Dave finds out that Mike's hitting on Margaret just to get his revenge for the whole blackmailing thing? Dave: I'll tell you what's gonna happen... there's gonna be a BLOODBATH!!! Roger: And that goes for leaving me in the back seat with that rotten genie... Heh-heh-heh! DATE 19991111 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Revenge TEXT Dave: Oh my God! What's happening to me? What am I doing??? Dave: Much better. Book: Hong Kong Phone Guide DATE 19991112 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Revenge TEXT Mike: Hey! What the hell was that all about? Dave: Don't paly innocent on me, you stinky girlfriend-snatching traitor! Mike: First, she's NOT your girlfriend. Second, there's nothing between us. We're just plotting our revenge against the movie staff. Dave: But...but I thought it was your revenge for the blackmail thing... Mike: Really?? Heh, well, I actually did it only to torture you... DATE 19991113 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Dave Mike STORYLINE Revenge TEXT Mike: I can't believe it! Just when we're ready for our revenge, the movie staff leaves! Dave: It was just bad luck, Mike. You can't really blame Margaret... Margaret: Wait a sec! You're blaming me??? Mike: I NEVER said that! Dave: Don't underestimate her, Mike. She's not stupid. She knows what you meant... Mike: I didn't mean it! I mean, he... you... I... oh, crap. Margaret: I can't believe you're blaming me. You little pathetic loser! Don't waste our words on me! Mike: You're SO freakin' DEAD, pal... Dave: Well, at least I'll go smiling! DATE 19991114 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Mike STORYLINE Styling Gel Nirvana TEXT Marsha: *grumble grumble* Marsha: Hello, Mike! Mike: Hello... are you still mad at me? Marsha: No, not anymore. Mike: Thank God! I'm so relieved... Marsha: What, were you afraid I'd try to get even or something? Mike: Aaaw, of course not! I know you're not that kind of person... Marsha: Geez!! Mike, you DO know styling gel causes baldness, right? RIGHT? Mike: AAARRGHH!! DATE 19991115 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Styling Gel Nirvana TEXT Dave: What aer you doing? Mike: Isn't it obvious? I'm panicking and getting rid of my lifetime supply of stying gel! Dave: Why? Mike: Because it causes baldness. Didn't you know??? Dave: Really? I always thought it was hereditary... Mike: That theory doesn't explain the first bald guy in the world! Oh, and I see you're a cue-ball wannabe too... Follow my advice: stop using that stuff! Roger: Please. Styling gel is so 80's. Nothing like naturally stiff hair. DATE 19991116 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Styling Gel Nirvana TEXT Dave: Okay, so styling gel causes baldness. You could still sell it. People buy useless junk all the time... Roger: Don't sell it, you doofus. You could use it to fake ectoplasm, or throw it at the wall to hear a nifty splatting sound, or you could it eat it. It looks kinda yummy, like blue jell-o. Mike: Gee, seems like you have a lot of stupid...er, wonderful ideas for this stuff! Just because you're my friend, it's yours for only ten bucks. Roger: $9.99 or I'll take my business elsewhere! DATE 19991117 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Styling Gel Nirvana TEXT Dave: I wish we never went through that misery journey. Now we're SO behind on everything! We're flunking! Mike: Oh yeah, it's terrible. Not to mention I'm now a tentacle mutant freak. Dave: Lots and lots of overdue papers, assignments, tests, lectures... Mike: Return to college is gonna be murder. Riots, panic, laughing, stupid fraternity pranks... Dave: By the way, why is Roger throwing styling gel at the wall? Mike: Relaxation method. I knew I shoulda kept some of that stuff... Roger: Too late, sucker! MUHAHAHAHAH! DATE 19991118 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Styling Gel Nirvana TEXT Mike: I don't believe you're so relaxed just from throwin' styling gel at the wall... Roger: I'm not just relaxed. I've reached Nirvana. I'm a free soul, at peace with myself, and with no bonds to this mundane world. Mike: You'll still have to clean up this mess, tho. Roger: Make me. Gel: SPLAT Mike: Wow. You're not only relaxed. You're a suicidal idiot, too! Dave: Say, can I borrow some of that stuff? Roger: 'Course not. Get your own damn nirvana. Gel: SPLAT DATE 19991119 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Styling Gel Nirvana TEXT Mike: Gimme back my gel! Roger: YOUR gel? I paid for it, buddy! Mike: Relaxation shall be MINE! Roger: NEVER!!! Dave: Well, well, well. Look at yourselves, fighting over useless crap. Inner peace is only reached with hard work and patience. And now you're a million light years from it. Mike: I've never flet so overwhelmingly happy in my whole life! I... I think I've found Nirvana! Roger: You think YOU're relaxed? Well, if I was more relaxed, I'd be dead... DATE 19991120 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Mike: I've decided to stop worrying. Who cares how stupid people will react to my stupid tentacle? I have FAR more important things to worry about. Dave: Yeah, like overdue assignments, tests and stuff. Mike: I was thinking of something more along the lines of "I can't remember what my major is anymore". Dave: At least you can't sink any lower than that. Roger: Whath a mahor? DATE 19991121 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Mike Maritza STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Caption: SO YOU ARE A TENTACLE FREAK Survival GUIDE Caption: 1. Walk with an unexpressive, bored look on your face. Blend with the crowd. Keep tentacle in pocket. Caption: 2. Respond all questions with a generic answer. Socializing is a no-no. Girl: What time is it? Mike: Whatever. Caption: 3. Don't draw any attention, even if it's the good kind. Let others have the glory. Teacher: Now if we cut off all the corners of an icosahedron with planar cuts such that the center third of each edge is left intact, and the rest is removed, what's left? Maritza: Zero! One! Sphere! Guy: Truncated icosahedron! Mike: Aw, hell. I knew that one, too! Caption: Never, under any circumstances, let your guard down. Mike: OoooooH! Check 'em out miniskirts! Caption: 5. Tentacles tend to stick to flat surfaces. Windows are mortal traps, avoid them. DATE 19991122 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Mike: Psst! Roger, c'mere! I need your help! Roger: Wait a minute... you're stuck to the window like one of those Garfield dolls! Roger: UAH-HA-HA-HA-HAR HAR!!! Roger: But I appreciate the seriousness of the situation here... uh... why are you smiling? You're starting to scare me, Mike... Mike: Oh no, please, keep laughing! I'm SO happy when YOU are happy! DATE 19991123 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Roger: Why don't you pull it off? Mike: It's too stuck! I'm gonna break the glass if I do! I need something flat and thin to seperate the suction cups... go get it! Roger: All right, already! geez! Cheerleader: Hey, you! Do you have a strong back? Roger: Strongest back this side of the hall, mademoiselle... Cheerleader: Do you think you can handle the weight of six cheerleaders? Roger: I was born for that job, actually. Cheerleader: Sorry to bother you, but we're making a human pyramid and one of us is missing... Roger: Thin but not flat... Well, Mike, I guess one of two isn't bad... DATE 19991124 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Mike: Shoot! I'm really beginning to run out of patience here... and people are starting to notice! Now where the hell is Roger? Mike: WHA? Mike: GNAAAARF!!! Glass: CRASH! Cheerleader: Uh? What was that? Roger: Could you hold me tighter? I suddenly feel very afraid... DATE 19991125 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Dave: Well, what happened to you? Mike: Long story. I just broke a window over my head. Dave: Oh. But that's not a long story. Mike: You don't know the half of it. Mike: YOU! Roger: Itwassofreakin'INCREDIBLEmikethehumanpyramidandthecheerleadersandtheeyeinmyhandandthepyramidcollapsedonmeandtherewereL-L-LEGSeverywhereand... Dave: OOOh boy. I think he just DIED... Mike: WHAT? He can't do this to me! He can't die before I kill him!!! DATE 19991126 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Mike: Hey, he's not dead! He's breathing! Dave: *ahem* sorry, small diagnostic error. But he once told me he had such a bad luck, the day something good happened to him he was just going to drop dead. Dave: It's certainly strange something so good ever happened to him... Mike: Wait a minute! Don't you see the connection? He's getting lucky, and I'm getting unlucky! Dave: Mike, don't tell me you believe you sorta exchanged lucks. That doesn't make any sense. Mike: NOTHING ever makes sense around here! See, it fits perfectly! Roger: Cool! That means I don't have to drop dead! DATE 19991127 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Mike: Um, tell me, Roger... what's it like to be a really unlucky person? Roger: I won't lie to you, Mike. It's pretty tough. But you get accustomed to live in a catastrophic mess of bad things happening to you for no reason. Don't waste your time worrying about it. They will happen anyway. Mike: Bad things? What kind of bad things? Roger: Oh, everything. Murphy's law. Nothing ever turns out your way. Anvils falling from nowhere. And you end up living with the roommates from hell. Mike: No! I won't accept it! Gimme back my luck, dammit!!! Roger: And you always, always, always fall on your keys. Mike: ouch. DATE 19991128 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Margaret STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Mike: Oooouch! Again??? The worst thing about being so unlucky is that you can't blame anybody... Dave: How about yourself? Maybe luck is something you have to *earn*. Maybe your unluckiness is a sign of something... Mike: What are you babbling about now, Dave? Dave: I made some experiments with my laser beam vision, and now I can control it at my will. I don't know why these powers were given to us, but what if we're supposed to use them to defeat awesome villains? Mike: Superheroes? With MY luck? Feh. I can see me now stomped by Godzilla... Dave: Don't knock it, Mike. I believe all this has a higher purpose... Margaret: Um, Dave? Dave: Yeeeeeessss, sweetie pie? Margaret: Would you mind? Mike: So, you were telling me about how "Sixth Sense" scared the crap outta you... Dave: Was I? Oh yeah, well, I mean, them freakin' ghosts were just EVERYWHERE! DATE 19991129 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Mike: Oooh, if it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have no luck at all... Roger: That's it! I've had it with your SINGING! I've had bad luck every day of my life, and did you see me whimpering like a cry-baby??? Roger: You're SPOILED! You've had it really easy, pal! And you know what? Unless I train you, you WON'T survive! Being a loser is a tough job, Mike! Mike: Training, uh? How do I know this will not be your revenge for all those times I've victimized you? Roger: Of course not, man. Who do you think I am? Now drop and give me twenty... DATE 19991130 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT April: OOOOOH, popcorn, huh? Margaret: Yep! April: Courtesy of Microwave guy, huh? Margaret: Yep! April: You know it's great you are in good shape. You don't have to worry about all that awful bunch of calories... April: Heeeh-hee hee-HEEH! DATE 19991201 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Mike: Well, if you know you're gonna lose no matter what, what's the point of even trying? Why bother? Roger: Because you can't let life be bigger than you. Roger: The greatest hero is not the one who wins battles, but the one who fails a million times... and then steps onto the pitcher's mound one more time. Mike: That sounds just like Charlie Brown... Roger: Hey, everything I need to know I learned from "Peanuts". Caption: Dedicated to the greatest cartoonist: Charles "Sparky" Shultz DATE 19991202 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Roger: Now, suppose you want to buy a magazine. What do you do? Mike: I suppose I'd go to the newsstand, and... Roger: Wrong! That way, someone always gets the last copy before you. Roger: You have to fool luck first. So you keep the money in your pocket for some days. One day you take a casual stroll by the newsstand, and if you see the magazine, you run, snatch it, leave the money and run like hell again! Mike: So in order to be smarter than luck, I have to look like a total idiot. Roger: Well, do you want your damn magazine or not? DATE 19991203 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Roger: Today I discovered I have my own fan club. Mike: Today I was taking a stroll and a bag of dirty diapers landed on my head. Dave: Today a very cute girl mistook me for Leonardo Dicaprio. Roger: Then I went to the club and signed body parts. Mike: After that, someone spotted my tentacle and an angry, torch-carrying lynch mob chased me for ten blocks. Dave: Then she turned out to be a transvestite stalker. Roger: Eee-yep. Life's good. Mike: Life sucks. Dave: A little from column A, a little from column B. DATE 19991204 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Mike: Wow. I never though fooling luck could be such an exact science... Roger: It's more than a science... it's an art. Dave: Well, well. The medieval village idiots meeting. Dave: Mike, remember all the bad stuff that happened before. You never were that lucky anyway. And, for that matter, how can you believe all this ridiculous stuff about luck? There's no such thing! Mike: Look who's talking... "Mr. Rabbit foot key chain and Lucky clover Tatooed on Left buttock" Dave: Er... those are merely for decoration purposes... Roger: What about the shrunken head? It's pretty ugly. Dave: Oh, crap! DATE 19991205 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Diana STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Mike: Gee. What if Dave is right? What if I've been an idiot for believing in bad luck? What if it's only my imagination running wild...? Brick: Zip! Mike: And what if it's NOT? Mike: What if I have to spend the rest of my life watching out for bricks? Flower pot: flop! Mike: Aaw, God! What have I done to deserve this? What's NEXT? Mike: Ee-hehe-heh. Forget I said anything. Diane: Say! You're Leonardo Dicaprio, right??? DATE 19991206 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Dave: Don't tell me you're going to class dressed like THAT. Mike: Well, I can't hide my tentacle for the rest of my life! Dave: Mike, it's suicide. The jocks are gonna beat you into a pulp. Mike: Let 'em try. I may give them a surprise or two... Dave: Back to your ol' combative self again, huh? Mike: Yes! I don't believe in bad luck anymore! Because you see, I met a gorgeous girl yesterday. She thought I was Leonardo Dicaprio... Dave: Red Hair? Blue eyes? Mike, she's the transvestite stalker! Roger: Yes she is. Please believe me, and don't ask me why I'm so sure about it. DATE 19991207 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Mike Roger Steve Waldo Diana Ray Pokono STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Ray: A tentacle! Extreeeeme, dude! That's like, the ultimate body piercing! Pokono: Well, well. Who IS that guy? Roger: I know him! In fact, I sleep in his bathtub! Mike: Just when I thought my life couldn't get any stranger. Guy: Cool! Where did you get it? How does it work? Fooker: Wow. Say, is that thing Y2K compliant? Steve: Look, Waldo, look! It's the chosen one! Son of Cthulhu! Waldo: Hail, my master! I'm not wortheeeee!!! DATE 19991208 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Mike Diana STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Mike: Look Diana, I don't know how to say this. There are some rumors about you... Diana: LIES! Whatever they told you, it's not true! I... uh... Diana: I'm so sorry, Mike! It's all true! *sob* Don't worry, you'll never have to see me again! Dave: Whoa Mike! Who was THAT, and why were you so idiotic to make her cry? Mike: What do you mean, WHO? She's the transvestite stalker! Dave: No she's not! The transvestite stalker has short hair. Mike: Uh... excuse me for a moment. Have to bang my head agaist the wall a dozen times, and then I'm afraid I'll have to kill you... Dave: Heh. Well, there are somethings worth dying for... DATE 19991209 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Roger Gets Lucky TEXT Roger: So, the little red-haired girl vanished... well, that's life! Grin and bear it! Don't worry, be happy! Say, want this lemon popsicle? I've only licked it twice... Roger: Y 'ere righ'. He usd vant o be adone. Dave: Gosh. How can you eat that so fast? Don't you get a splitting headache? DATE 19991210 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: *sigh* Mike has been in such a homicidal mood lately, I'm even afraid to come home. Roger: You think you're afraid? The eye in my hand is twitching... Dave: Please. Tell me the horrid details about your creepy hand. Roger: Well, yesterday I was watching "ER" and it sorta cried. Dave: !!! Roger: !!! Mike: Hey hey, guys! Fingers: twiddly twiddly Dave: Oh... my... God! He's... he's... SMILING!!! Roger: Well don't you just stand around, you idiot! Start running!!! DATE 19991211 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: Mike's gone completely INSANE! I think you oughtta smack him a good one, like last time... Roger: *sigh* I'm tired of being the hero around here. Roger: Okay, Mike, this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it does me, but you'll thank me later! Uh-(??!!) Mike: Hey, Roger, my best friend! Want some pink lemonade? It's SO yum-my! Roger: Why, of COURSE! Because you see I feel so STINKIN' HAPPY! Let's sing a SONG! Mike, Roger: SUN-shine, lollipops, RAIN-bows and everything that's WON-DER-FUL is... Dave: Catatonic trance in three... two... one... DATE 19991212 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April Marsha Mike Roger STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Door: knock knock Dave: Sorry to bother you, but... Margaret: Bad time, Dave. We've got a cuteness crisis here! Dave: "Well, my roommates are watching 'The Brady Bunch' reruns and singing like Muppets... you know, leading with the shoulder! If that's not a cuteness crisis, I don't know what it is..." Mike, Roger: Mahna mahna-ba DEE bedebe! mahna mahna-ba debe dee! Margaret: This is the apocalypse. April doesn't walk anymore, she just *skips*! April: Tee-heee!!! Dave: Wait a sec! What about Marsha! I don't believe she can get any CUTER, can she??? Margaret: *sigh* Margaret: I can't even think about that... see for yourself. Dave: HOLY...!!! Marsha: Sushi, anyone? DATE 19991213 SETTING Apartment Building CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: I don't know what it is, but it seems very contagious. Margaret: Well I'm not staying around to catch it! Let's split! Dave: Maybe it's just a temporary thing... like a cold or something. Margaret: Who cares? It's extremely annoying! Maybe they'll put the whole building in quarantine... Dave: Uh... how about the whole city? Margaret: (.....) DATE 19991214 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Diana Earl STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: I think I need a double insulin dose. Margaret: Aaaw hell! I forgot my cyanide suicide pill upstairs. Diana: Say, you're Leo Dicaprio, right? Guy: No, but I sure would want to be! He's so CUUUUTE! DATE 19991215 SETTING Apartment Building CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Margaret: This is scary! The whole city has become CUTE! And who knows, maybe the whole world! Dave: Yeah, this is too weird. But I've seen lots of weird things, and I'm still here... Margaret: At least I'm not alone! I know we can beat this together! Dave: Oh shoot! I'm feeling happy! But, is it a good happiness or a bad happiness? Margaret: Because you see, with your laser-beam vision and my survivalist skills and weapons, I know we can build an empire in the post-apocalypse world! Dave: So much for dilemma... DATE 19991216 SETTING Apartment Building CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: What is it exactly that you have in mind? I don't get it... Margaret: It's simple, comrade! We go to my place, get my stuff, and then we're ready to kick some butt! Dave: Your place? But that's a contaminated area! Margaret: Oh, damn! That's true! Well, let me think... Margaret: Oh yeah! I think I GOT it! Margaret: We'll use the gas masks to enter the contaminated area! I don't keep them at my place... Margaret: Because I forgot them at YOUR place, Muppet Zone. Dave: I still think it would be easier to get a cozy bunker for two, and spend some years trying to repopulate Earth. DATE 19991217 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: You want me to go in THERE? Margaret: Yeah, I need you to distract your roommates while I look for the gas masks. Dave: Um, I don't know. I'm no good at creating diversions, see, and... Margaret: I know, but I thought you'd be embarassed if you did the less dangerous job. Dave: There's just NO WAY to win with you, right? Margaret: Wow, Dave. You learn faster than I thought. DATE 19991218 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Margaret STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Mike, Roger: GROUP HUG! GROUP HUG! Dave: This is like, the MOTHER of all NIGHTMARES! Margaret: Run, Forrest, run! DATE 19991226 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April Marsha STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: "Run, Forrest, run"? I think you were having a little bit too much fun in there... Margaret: I'm sorry, I couldn't help it! You looked so cute running from the two carebears... Dave: Don't say "CUTE"! Margaret: Whatever. Have your gas mask. Dave: I feel strangely attacted to the dark side. Margaret: Step #1: Get our own operation center. We need to figure a way to get my roommates out of my place. Dave: Bait? Margaret: Oh, I know exactly what to use in this case... Margaret: Psst! Hey! Lookee here, it's a BUNNY! Marsha: CUUUUTE!!! Arrow: hand-made bun-bun plush doll Margaret: Lots of bunnies out there, girls! Go get 'em! Yay! April, Marsha: YAY!!! Margaret: Now that's taken care of, we can proceed to step #2: Name Your Enemy. Dave: Please tell me we're NOT gonna call it "the 2QT Bug" DATE 19991227 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Margaret: Dave, what on Earth are you doing??? Dave: I think the air is safe, as long as we don't get too close to the cute people. Don't worry. Margaret: Cool. I'm not worried. Dave: Okay, okay. No need to get defensive... Margaret: I'm not being defensive! Dave: Now you're yelling. Margaret: I am NOT YELLING!!! Dave: Your brain works on inverse psychology, right? DATE 19991228 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: Grenades??? Margaret: Here, put them in your backpack... Dave: I'm NOT gonna carry them! Margaret: Okay, carry the greande laucher, then... Dave: Did you say grenade laucher? Margaret: I made it myself, but I think the trigger is a little loose, so watch out. Dave: I refuse to carry that thing, too! Dave: I was gonna say she's nuts, but who's in love with her? Margaret: mmh, then how about the Patriot missile? DATE 19991229 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: You are SO salivating over your weapons. Margaret: Aaw, they don't rust or anything... Dave: That's not my main worry. Dave: I don't get it! I mean, how can you LOVE those things so much? They were designed to KILL PEOPLE! Margaret: Sheesh, Dave! Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Dave: Oh, I'm sorry, you're right. I guess we should start banning people, then. Margaret: That's the whole point! Oh, wait a sec. Do I detect a little bit of sarcasm, there? DATE 20000101 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Margaret: I have a lot of canned goods! My survivalist friend, "15-fingers" McCoy, sold them to me. I sold him some things, too, before... Can: SPROING! Dave: Um, your friend knows the value of a good post-apocalypse laugh... Margaret: EX-friend! I guess this was his revenge for the bazooka that fired backwards! DATE 20000102 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Scientist "Cthulhu's Microdragon" STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: Wow, have you ever seen the street this empty? Margaret: This is getting ugly. I've not seen an uncute person in hours... Margaret: Yikes! Scientist: I don't know how it happened! It all went WRONG! The interdimensional door was NOT supposed to be that BIG! Scientist: And Cthulhu was wide awake! "In his house in R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming", my ASS! Scientist: And now we're ALL gonna DIEEEEEE!!!! Dave: Who the heck is this Cthulhu, anyway? Margaret: I'm not sure... sounds tasty tho. DATE 20000103 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Margaret "Cthulhu's Microdragon" STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: I can't breath with thing on. Margaret: You'll get used to it. Dave: I know oxygen is a bad habit, but... Dave: Eeep! Urk! *snort* Margaret: What? Are you having a fit? Insulin shock? Margaret: Aw, hell. Please tell me I won't have to give you mouth-to-mouth... Dave: BONK! DATE 20000104 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Margaret "Cthulhu's Microdragon" STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Margaret: Hey! Just what the...??!! Margaret: Eeep! Urk! *snort* Margaret: Dave, you moron! Wake up already and HELP ME!!!! Dave: *Groan* Not now, Ma! I'm having a porno dream! DATE 20000105 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: Margaret! We have to split before Cthulhu comes back! Are you okay? Margaret: *groan* Margaret: Why, I've never felt so okay in my whole life! I'm so STINKIN' OKAY! Let's sing a song! Dave: Oh no! Please, not you! Dave: You're gonna pay for this, Cthulhu, you tentacle freak! Margaret: It's the end of the world as we know it... and I feeel fine... DATE 20000106 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave "Cthulhu's Microdragon" STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: I'm gonna get you, Cthulhu! I'm gonna find you and hunt you down like a dog! I'm... Dave: Figuratively speaking, only, of course... DATE 20000107 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Scientist "Cthulhu's Microdragon" STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: Rats! Not even a scratch! What's this guy made of, steel? Gun: BANG! Scientist: You moron, you think you can hurt it with a wimpy SHOTGUN? You'd need a cannonball! And don't look at it directly in the eye, it'll eat your mind! Dave: Well, if you know so much about it, why don't you fight it YOURSELF? Scientist: Hey, they don't give out PhDs for being STUPID! DATE 20000108 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Margaret "Cthulhu's Microdragon" STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: There's just no way to defeat this monster! I better get out of here FAST! Dave: Margaret, what are you doing? Don't you see Cthulhu is coming? Run!!! Margaret: Have some grenades, you WIDDLeSNUGGLYFUZZYPRECIOUS, foulsmelling, CUTEFUZZYCUDDLY slime-THINGIE! DATE 20000109 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April Marsha Steve Waldo Roger Mike STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: I gotta tell you, Margaret, even when you're cute, you're downright SCARY! Margaret: Eeew! At least I got my mind back! Margaret: I just hope the world appreciates this... April: Wrath of ye gods!!! Marsha: Ha! What a ridiculous outfit! Mike: Gaaaah! Why are we watching "Baby Geniuses"??? Roger: Retina melting! Turn it off! Turn it off! Steve: OH my GOD! They killed Cthulhu! Waldo: You BASTARDS! DATE 20000110 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Scientist STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: Well, I hope you're happy. We destroyed Cthulhu. Margaret: And that was YOUR job! Scientist: That's a laugh! You didn't destroy Cthulhu! Dave: Uuuh... we didn't? Scientist: That was not Cthulhu, it was just his pet micro-dragon. Cthulhu is destroying Tokyo right at this minute. Scientist: Hey, where are you going? Ain't you gonna help me destroy Cthulhu? Dave: What??? No! We're tired and going home... Margaret: We'll watch the whole thing on TV, thank you very much. DATE 20000111 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike STORYLINE CRFHeck TEXT Dave: Well, it's over. I just hope everything's back to normal now. Mike: And... and when I woke up, I was watching.. oh dear God, Baby Geniuses! Roger: Oedipus complex, no doubt... Dave: Oooooh yeah. DATE 20000112 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret STORYLINE Who Needs Cthulhu...? TEXT April: You're going to bed already? Margaret: Heck, yeah. I killed an evil, mind-eating monster today. I think I deserve it. April: But what about the big calculus test? April: You FORGOT? Margaret: Did you hear something? I think it was the voice of Doom. DATE 20000113 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Who Needs Cthulhu...? TEXT Dave: Okay, let's not panic. I have eight hours to get this inside my head. Seems like an impossible task... Dave: But in fact, turns out I only have to study a very small bunch of pages every hour! I CAN do that! Mike: Sure, Dave, but what about Chapters five and six? Dave: Shhhh, Mike. Don't you break the beautiful, beautiful delusion... DATE 20000114 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret STORYLINE Who Needs Cthulhu...? TEXT Margaret: {Static} Margaret: It's gone. My brain is gone. April: Why don't you sleep an hour or two and then get back to it? Margaret: BLASPHEMER! Every second counts! DATE 20000116 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret Dave Mike Marsha STORYLINE Who Needs Cthulhu...? TEXT Margaret: Take a look at this, will ya? There's a test in the book, but all the answers are WRONG! What a stupid book! April: You woke me up for THIS? Margaret: How do they expect us to study this horrible thing when all the answers are so obviously wrong? Dave: You're already on chapter 5??? Oh my God, I think I'm gonna have a seizure... Margaret: I'm so angry! It's ALL their fault! Mike: We should kick the crap outta everybody... Margaret: Where do you think this Leithold guy lives? He's the author of the book... Mike: Book? Margaret: How can they all be constants? We're integrating, for God's sake! Stupid book! Marsha: Margaret, those are not the answers. Those are the PAGE numbers where you can find the answers. Margaret: You've been waiting all your life for this moment, right? Marsha: There's only one thing that could make it even better. A polaroid of your face... DATE 20000117 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Who Needs Cthulhu...? TEXT Dave: Roger, wake up. Wake up, man. We still have two hours to go. Roger: ZZZZZZ Mike: No use, Dave. No power on Earth can wake him up. Dave: How can he sleep sitting up like that? Mike: He's like one of those birds whose claws thighten up while they sleep to keep them from falling. Dave: Uh? Birds? Claws? Earth? Mike: And I see you can even talk while sleeping... DATE 20000118 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret STORYLINE Who Needs Cthulhu...? TEXT Margaret: I am in control. I am in control. I know everything, and I know I know it. I'm calm. I know I'm gonna ace this test. Everything's gonna be okay. Margaret: I possess all the answers. My mind is perfectly tuned and one with the universe. April: For the sixth time, what the heck are you looking for in my makeup case? Margaret: Oh well, I keep forgetting, OKAY??? DATE 20000119 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Who Needs Cthulhu...? TEXT Dave: Mike, what are you doing? We still have half an hour before the test! Every second counts! Mike: I'm sorry, but this is my not "Giving a damn" phase. Dave: Uh? Mike: When I feel my brain is about to explode, I just get involved in some IQ-lowering activity such as watching TV. Dave: But... but the TV isn't even ON! Mike: I don't give a damn about that, either. DATE 20000120 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Marsha STORYLINE Who Needs Cthulhu...? TEXT Caption: 59 minutes before the test... Marsha: Say, April... Are you done with the cereal? April: SNARL April: Um, sorry. I mean, I'm done. Here... Marsha: No THANKS! I'm in the mood for Waffles!!! DATE 20000121 SETTING Hall CHARACTERS April Margaret Marsha Mike Dave Roger STORYLINE Who Needs Cthulhu...? TEXT Caption: 5 minutes before the test Roger: zzzz Arrow: Sleepwalking Dave: Why are you smiling, man? Don't you understand we're gonna fail and work at a fast food joint for the rest of our lives? Arrow: Hysteria Mike: Fast food! Ah-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!! Arrow: Laughter attack Margaret: I'm in control. I will not mutilate, kill or take my anger out on unanimate objects... Arror: Neurosis April: Yeah, but what else? I mean I was saying, but I did not say it. Yes you did! No I didn't! Shut up! Arrow: Incoherent babbling/Split personality Marsha: Are you people following me or what? Uh? Arrow: Extreme paranoia DATE 20000122 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Dave "Mr. Dover" STORYLINE Who Needs Cthulhu...? TEXT Mr. Dover: Put down your notes, Dave. The test has started. Dave: Uh-huh. Just five minutes. Mr. Dover: Five minutes? Put 'em down now! Dave: 2 minutes! Mr. Dover: No way! Dave: 30 seconds? Mr. Dover: No! Dave: 5 seconds? Mr. Dover: Here's your test, Dave. Take it or leave. Dave: Fine! It'll be YOUR fault, then! DATE 20000123 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS April Margaret "Mr. Dover" Mike Roger Dave Marsha STORYLINE Who Needs Cthulhu...? TEXT Margaret: I am in control... I am in control... Mr. Dover: Good luck, Margaret. Test: Question 1. (point value: 100; partial credit will NOT be given). Consider the growth of a rabbit population when the carrying capacity depnds on time according to this formula: C(t)= ... - 5000 cos([pi]t/6) rabbits. Sketch the graph of C(t) for an interval of 60 months. Include on your graph the lowest value and the highest achieved by C, and the month where... Also sketch the solution R(t) ... new logistic equation: dR/dt = Caption: All-nighters and deadly calculus tests do NOT mix. Other wise you could get the following chemical reactions. Caption: Anger. Margaret: What is this, some kind of BAD JOKE??? Caption: Resignation. Mike: At least I'm still on my "Not Giving A Damn" phase... Caption: Delusion. April: Maybe... maybe if I stare into the paper long enough, the test will solve itself... Caption: Radical behavior change. Marsha: Damn bunnies! Did they ever hear of condoms? Kill 'em all! Kill 'em all! Caption: Emission of noises no human throat could ever make. Dave: *crash* *slam!* *plink plink plinkety plonk!* Mr. Dover: Dave, you're REALLY testing my patience... Caption: Unconsciousness. Roger: ZZzzZZZz DATE 20000124 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Dave "Mr. Dover" STORYLINE Who Needs Cthulhu...? TEXT Mr. Dover: Time has expired, Dave. You're the only one left. Your work, please. Dave: Uh-huh. Just five minutes. Mr. Dover: You do this every time! Turn in your test already! Dave: 2 minutes! Mr. Dover: Not even one! Dave: 30 seconds? Mr. Dover: For crying out loud... Dave: 5 seconds? Mr. Dover: I'm leaving NOW, with or without it! Dave: You don't like me, do you? Uh??? DATE 20000125 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS April Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Who Needs Cthulhu...? TEXT Margaret: That was not a test. That was a MASSACRE! I still don't understand how we were supposed to solve that problem, but... Margaret: ! April: Lemme guess. The solution just popped into your head, right? Marsha: Lemme guess. It was painfully obvious, right? Margaret: That's it. I'm dropping college and becoming a topless dancer. DATE 20000126 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Who Needs Cthulhu...? TEXT Mike: I can't believe we ALL failed the calculus test but Roger! It's absurd! Dave: Just thinking about it makes me want to bite the head off a live bat... Roger: You're jealous because I have a very consistent study technique... Mike: CONSISTENT??? You slept through the whole test!! Roger: That's consistent, indeed... I slept through all the courses, too! Dave: Bite the head off a live rhino... DATE 20000127 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret April Marsha STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Margaret: Wait. Is that a VCR? April: Yeah, it was my birthday present from Mom and Dad. They don't know I don't have a TV... Margaret: But we DO have a TV! April: They guys next door have it now, remember? Margaret: HAHAHAHA! That's a good one! Back in a minute, I'll go get it. April: Try not to make a bloodbath this time, Margaret. Marsha: I didn't know it was your birthday! Congratulations! Say, can we rent 'Titanic'? April: Nooooope. DATE 20000128 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Margaret STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Mike: Wow. I knew something like this would happen sooner or later, and now I'm too numb to react. DATE 20000129 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Mike Margaret STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Mike: Hey, what gives? Do you think you can just walk into my place, take the T.V. and walk away? Margaret: Of course, if it's MY T.V.! Mike: Not technically! You threw it away! Margaret: Aaw, stop whining. I'm only gonna use it for a couple of days or so... Door: SLAM! Mike: But you'll have to take the remote away from my COLD DEAD FINGERS!!! DATE 20000130 SETTING Video Store CHARACTERS Margaret April Marsha STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Margaret: I can't believe we're renting the movie we participated in against our will... April: Okay, so it was like a candid camera. No big deal. I still want to see if they got my good angle... Marsha: It's hard to look good when you're screaming in terror! April: Hi. We want to rent a movie, but we don't know the title. These guys act in it... can you help? Guy: Oh yeah, I htink I know which one is that. Back in a sec. Margaret: Can we pay and go home, please? April: Yeah... hey! He gave me two Movie... this IS the one we were looking for... but which one is the other? April: Now THIS was unexpected. Marsha: NNNGG!!! Margaret: COOL!!! DATE 20000131 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Margaret April Marsha STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Dave: Lately I have this weird feeling... something's gonna happen, and I think we're not gonna like it very much... Mike: Sheesh, Dave. I hereby declare you Master of Paranoia, and... Marsha: *uncontrolable giggle* April: *snicker* Margaret: Heh! Dave: And there goes the paranoia theory. Mike: I'd rather not speculate about it, okay? Roger: My spider sense is tingling! I think we should leave the country! DATE 20000201 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Dave: They're up to something, Mike. Why don't you ask Marsha? Mike: Because I don't want to know. Dave: But it could be important! Mike: I don't care. Dave: C'mon Mike. Do it for the common good. Mike: I don't believe in the common good. Roger: But when are we gonna have our TV back? Mike: Okay, you got me there. DATE 20000202 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Mike April STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Mike: Say, is Marsha home? April: Pfffft!!! Sorry! I mean, sure, she's in the shower... Mike: Hey, what's so funny? April: What? Oh, nothing. At least, nothing related to you, of course... April: UAH-HAAAAA-HAHAHA-HA-HA!!! Mike: You really need to work on your poker face, April. DATE 20000203 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Marsha STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Mike: So you're NOT gonna tell me? Marsha: I wish I could, but it's a secret! Mike: Okay, now I'm angry. You told me there were no secrets between us. Mike: E-heeheehee! Stop that! It's not gonna work this time! HEEE-HEEE-HEEE!!! Marsha: Oh, it's not? It's not? Mike: Oh shoot. Now I've forgotten what I came here for... Marsha: You mean you need a motive? Shame on you! DATE 20000204 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Dave: So she didn't tell you? Mike: No. If only we could sneak in and browse their stuff... Dave: Mike, last time you did that, Marsha stabbed you. Mike: Precisely. I need someone gullible enough to take that risk. Roger: I charge $10,000 per infiltration. Mike: Two bucks and a second-hand lollipop. Roger: Strawberry? Mike: Grape. Roger: Mmh. Deal. Now, will you give me a hand with the damn harness? DATE 20000205 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Mike: Okay, here's the plan. You sneak in and take a look around. Marsha had this suspicious attitude towards the TV so maybe you can find a clue there... Roger: I'm having second thoughts about this... what if they catch me? Mike: Aaaw, don't be such a cry-baby! They're just girls! I'd do it myself, but you're the guy with the eye in the hand... Roger: You're right. I'm the man for the job! Be right back. Dave: Now you're REALLY going to hell, Mike. Mike: Just in case you didn't notice, I AM in hell!!! DATE 20000206 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Margaret STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Roger: Would you mind if I made a hole in your floor to spy on the girls living below? Guy: As long as you don't make it on my way to the fridge... Roger: dum-dum, dum dum... Roger: dum-dum dum dum... Roger: The T.V. looks just fine, but hey, what do we have HERE? Roger: Aaaand BINGO! was its name-o... Roger: Eep! Roger: Aaw, c'mon, Margaret! Three ninja stars??? What did I do, murder Abe Lincoln? Margaret: The first for trespassing, the second for wearing that ridiculous outfit, and the third for humming the Mission Impossible theme off-key! DATE 20000207 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Margaret April Marsha STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Margaret: Well, since Roger went through a whole lot of work to get the truth, let's show him the truth! Roger: Cool! Are we gonna watch a porno movie? Marsha: It's SO porno! But that's not all! April: You rewind it, I'll close the door so the neighbors can't hear the screaming! DATE 20000208 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Mike: Well, did you find out something, or what? Roger: I shall NOT speak... about the unspeakable horrors I've seen! Mike: Well, give me back my two bucks and my lollipop, then! Roger: I can't. I ate them. Mike: You ATE two bucks??? Roger: Unspeakable horrors make me really hungry... DATE 20000209 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Mike: We did what? Roger: We, um, took part in a porno flick while we were drunk out of our mind. Mike: We did what? Roger: Apparently we were SERIOUSLY into crossdressing too... Mike: We did WHAT??? Dave: KLUNK! Roger: And before you decide to shoot the messenger, I'm off to get a dozen burgers. DATE 20000210 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Mike: Look, I may be crazy, but I know I'd never act in a porno flick... Dave: Are you SURE it's us? Roger: Well, it's either us, or our evil twins... Mike: But that makes no sense! If I had a twin, I'd be the evil one. Dave: Instead of all this babbling we should be running for the hills with paper bags over heads. Roger: Why don't you watch the movie just to be sure? Mike: You knock the door! It was YOUR idea! Roger: I can't! I can't look them in the eyes! Mike: Well, who told you to have such good ideas? Knock on the door! Dave: I like my idea better. DATE 20000213 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Margaret April Marsha Fluffy STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Dave: Are you sure you wanna do this? Mike: Do we have another choice? Roger: Not fair! Why do I have to watch it again? Mike: Because I'm evil. Hit the play button... Mike: Would you mind leaving us alone with our pain and humiliation, PLEASE? April: Aaaw. We already watched it! Margaret: C'mon. Like it was the first time you screw it up... Marsha: Besides, we can help you with a critique of your performance! DATE 20000214 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Fluffy STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Mike: Who or what the hell is that??? Dave: I think it's, um, you. Mike: Me? No way! It's you! Dave: NONONONO, that's you... Mike: You! Mike: Eee-yep. That's me. Dave: AND me. Roger: When do we eat? DATE 20000215 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Fluffy STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Mike: Ouch. Look at that. You know, I'm just realizing I really miss my left arm. Dave: That... is.. NOT... your... left... arm. Mike: Geez! What the HELL did we drink??? Dave: Very powerful stuff, it seems... Roger: I think I'm going back and having a few more. DATE 20000216 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Margaret April Marsha STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Mike: Thanks for the movie. Now we're off to our place to discuss various suicide strategies... Margaret: Hey you porno twits! Next time rewind it, will ya??? April: Excellent timing, Margaret. Marsha: Shhhh! DATE 20000217 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Margaret April Marsha STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT April: Mike! Hey, Mike! Mike: What? You still not through laughing at us? April: Give us a break, Mike... we didn't know you didn't know... we just thought it was your ugly little secret, a frat initiation or something... We're sorry. If you need any help, anything we can do... Mike: Do you mean it? April: Of course! Mike: Do me a favor, then. Don't return the movie yet... I have some thinking to do... April: Got it. April: You're watching it AGAIN?? Margaret: Of course! It's too darn fun! Marsha: Pass the popcorn. DATE 20000218 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Mike: Now, let me think... we can rent every copy of that movie and get rid of it... Roger: Right, so then they just buy a few more. No go, Mike. Dave: "We"? That's a lotta people, you know... Dave: Mike, I've had it with you and your crazy schemes! They never work and we always find ourselves regretting we ever listened to you! So man, don't count on me for this one. Mike: Well, no one is including you, "Mr. Sack" Dave: If someone needs me I'll be running for the hills. Roger: Like we'd go anywhere with you anyway. DATE 20000219 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE We did WHAT??? TEXT Mike: Rats! If we only knew where that flick was produced... Roger: Oh, but I know. I remember a lot of it. Mike: You KNOW? Why didn't you say so before? Roger: I thought it was a crazy dream. It's kinda blurry, but I'm almost sure it's a town called Bayside... Mike: Really??? There's gonna be a national conference at Bayside in the next few days! Let's go sign us in! Roger: Mike, the applications were two months ago... Mike: Hah! Watch me closely and see if I care! DATE 20000220 SETTING NAFTA Registration CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Mike: Hi! My name is Mike. I want to go to the NAFTA conference, please. Woman: You can't. You are two months late... Mike: I can't??? You know, I'm SO SICK of being discriminated against because of my tentacle... Woman: What? I didn't even know you were one of them tentacled people! Mike: I prefer the term 'Zoomorphic limbed" if you don't mind. Woman: It's nothing personal... I... Mike: Perhaps I should forget about my dream of winning a Nobel and instead become a drug dealer and die in a drive-by-shooting at 27... Woman: All right, already! You're going to NAFTA! Happy? Mike: Muhahaha! Yessssss! Roger: Hi. My name is Roger, and I have an eye in my hand. Woman: My God, I HATE this job. DATE 20000221 SETTING Bus CHARACTERS Mike Roger April STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Mike: This is perfect! Not only we are traveling for free, we are also not officially here! And in a town full of College Students from all over the country,no one is gonna notice if we do something illegal or not! Roger: Too perfect. That's almost unnerving, and... Roger: Um, never mind. April: So, going to NAFTA, too? Cool! Mike: I was gonna add, no one on the bus knows us... Roger: I know. DATE 20000222 SETTING Bus CHARACTERS Mike Roger April STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Roger: Say Mike, can I have the window seat? Mike: Give me two good reasons, Roger... Roger: Well, first, beacause you're a nice guy. Second, because I have a tendency to barf during bus trips. Mike: Hey April, I'm such a nice guy, I'm letting you have this wonderful seat! What do you say? April: Why, Mike, sure! In a million years, after the sun implodes... DATE 20000223 SETTING Bus CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Roger: And when you look at the majesty of the world, you realize how small and unimportant we are. What is mankind? Nothing but fragile naked flesh, forever banned from Paradise... Roger: You're not paying any attention to the insightful comment contest, are you? Mike: What? Oh, sure. Mmmmh. A horse is a horse, of course of course. Roger: Wow, you're damn good... DATE 20000224 SETTING Bus CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Roger: Could you stop for a sec? I REALLY need to go... Driver: Sorry. You'll have to wait till the next rest stop. Roger: Is it far? Driver: About 50 miles. Roger: You don't understand. I... I... Roger: I'm gonna start peeing in 30 seconds and it's up to you! Either I do it within the privacy of a nice bush, or in front of EVERYBODY! Roger: In retrospect, I guess it WAS kinda embarassing... Mike: I don't think we've been properly introduced. DATE 20000225 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Mike Roger April STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Mike: So this is Bayside. Somehow I thought it was bigger. April: Uh oh. Small town and big conferences don't mix. I hope there's still room for us in a hotel... Roger: Aww, so what? We could camp and sleep under the stars! You can't say you're alive until you've done it! April: Did you say "until" or "after"? Mike: Oh yeah, mysterious big chunks of ice fall on this zone pretty often, I've heard... Roger: Or we could get a nice bunker... DATE 20000226 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Mike Roger April STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Mike: Will ya look at this place... It's a DUMP! April: I hope it doesn't rain today... Roger: Consider yourself lucky and safe from icy asteroids. This was the last hotel room in the whole town, I think. April: Only two small beds! Where are we gonna sleep? Roger: Well I don't know where YOU are gonna sleep, but I know I'm NOT sleeping in the bathtub! There's a dead rat in there! Mike: But that's actually a good thing! If you think about it, mints under the pillow are really lame. DATE 20000227 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Mike Roger April Fluffy STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Hotel Manager: I'm the hotel manager! I heard you have a PET in here! Pets are not allowed in this hotel! Mike: WHAT?? We have no pets! Hotel Manager: Fine! 'Cause if you did, I'd have to kick you out and give your room to some very rich and desperate students! Mike: See? No pets. Hotel Manager: How about that rock? Is that, perchance, a PET ROCK? Mike: No, that's um, a... paperweight. Hotel Manager: A paperweight THIS size? Mike: Well, we have big papers... Hotel Manager: And you polish your paperweights regularly, I see... Mike: You mean you don't? Hotel Manager: And so, if it's NOT your pet, I suppose you won't mind if I throw it outta the window... Mike: If you are so compelled to make a fool of yourself... Roger: No! Fluffy! Mike: April! Why did you let him go? April: I tried to hold him, but he bit my hand! Roger: Give back my friend, you philistine! Hotel Manager: I knew it! Out Out OUT! DATE 20000228 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Mike Roger April Bonnie Milton Joe Jack Bob Fluffy STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Caption: AT THE EDGE OF TOWN Milton: E=MC HAMMER April: GREAT. WE LOSE OUR ROOM AND THERE'S NO VACANCIES. April: USE YOUR HEAD, April. NEED TO FIND A ROOM... April: ...AND FAST. Milton: WHY HEL-LO THERE, MY DEAR. I'M MILTON. YOU NEED A PLACE TO STAY? April: WELL... YEAH. Milton: YOU'RE IN LUCK. MY PLACE IS AVAILABLE. April: ! Mike, Roger: PERFECT!! Jack: DUDE, CALM DOWN. IT'S NOT THAT BAD... Joe: NOT THAT BAD?!? NOT THAT BAD? Joe: CRIMINY, JACK! WE'RE AT THE THRESHOLD OF HELL! Joe: AND, TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, I COULD HAVE BEEN OUT TONIGHT WITH MARLENE "SHORT SKIRT AND HEAVENLY LEGS" TRUMAN, INSTEAD OF BEING STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF B.F.E. WITH NO PLACE TO STAY! Bonnie: HEY... Bonnie: DID YOU GUYS SAY YOU HAD NO PLACE TO STAY DURING THIS CONFERENCE? Jack: WELL, ACTUALLY... MMPH! Joe: YEAH... WE MAY END UP SLEEPING IN THE CAR... Jack: MMPH! Joe: OH, AND DON'T MIND MY FRIEND... HE'S SIMPLE. Bonnie: Poor guys. But Milton's such a jerk, he'd have a cow if I invited them to my place... Milton: They are here for the conference and don't have a place to stay, and so I thought: "Hey, college students have to STICK together..." got it? Bonnie: Wha? Bob: Oooh yeah! Bonnie: The two of you! Into the house! NOW! Jack: Wow! She wants you badly, Joe... DATE 20000229 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Mike Roger April Bonnie Milton Joe Barney Fluffy STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Milton: "HERE WE ARE... HAGAR HOUSE." Milton: THIS IS THE COMMON ROOM. WE HAVE A COUCH AND A COUPLE OF NICE CHAIRS. Roger: BEHAVE. Milton: BUT OF COURSE YOU CAN SLEEP IN MY ROOM. Mike: AND NOW HE OFFERS US HIS ROOM! IS THIS GUY A PEACH OR WHAT? Milton: WHO THE HELL IS THAT? Bonnie: DOES IT MATTER? Milton: YEAH, IT DOES! Milton: THEY'RE TOTAL STRANGERS! Milton: THE BLOND ONE COULD BE AN AXE MURDERER FOR ALL YOU KNOW! Bonnie: FUNNY... I PROBABLY COULD SAY THE SAME THING TO YOU... Milton: I'M NOT LIKING THIS ONE BIT, BONNIE. Bonnie: WHY? ARE YOU JEALOUS? Milton: HARDLY. Joe: UH, BONNIE? Joe: WHERE'S THE BATHROOM? Joe: ! Mike: Maybe I'm paranoid about the porno flick, but I have the feeling everybody here is looking at me funny... Roger: Oh, I get the same feeling too, Mike. Roger: And YOU don't have a midget in a dog suit following you around. Barnie: Hey you! You, the weird-lookin' guy! Is that thing edible? DATE 20000301 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Mike April Bonnie Milton Joe Jack Bob Spock STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Milton: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CALL THAT?? Bonnie: FRENCH TICKLER WITH A COUNTER-CLOCKWISE SWIRL. Joe: OH YEAH... Milton: LISTEN, SPINACH-CHIN! YOU CAN'T JUST WALTZ IN HERE AND START KISSING OUR WOMEN! Joe: SHE KISSED ME, YOU LOLLIPOP GUILD REJECT! Milton: YOU MAMMA! Joe: YOU FAMILY! Mike: HEY GUYS! WHAT'S GOING ON? Joe: IS IT ME... OR DOES THIS GUY LOOK VERRRRY FAMILIAR? Milton: NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT... Joe: AND THEN SHE KISSED ME! Bob: SHE KISSED YOU?!? Joe: YEAH... IT WAS KINDA NICE... Bob: HOW DID Milton TAKE IT? Joe: THE SHORT GUY? WELL, WE HAD WORDS AND THEN HE WALKED OFF, MUTTERING TO HIMSELF... Bob: OH, MAN... THIS AIN'T GOOD... Joe: WELL, I'M SURE THAT HE'S CALMED DOWN BY NOW... Bob: UH... DON'T BET ON IT... Caption: EVEN AS THEY SPEAK... Milton: HE MUST DIE! Caption: Next morning... Bonnie: Did...you...sleep...in...Milton's...room? April: Well, yeah, but... Bonnie: That's just ALL I needed to KNOW!!! April: Whoa! OW! Who opened the cage door? Milton, please control your PSYCHOPATHETIC girlfriend! Bonnie: Save your screams for later, the pain hasn't started yet! Someone: BRING IN THE MUD! DATE 20000302 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Mike Roger April Bonnie Joe Bob George Fluffy Barney STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Bonnie: WHEN I'M DONE WITH OU, THEY'LL HAVE TO SEND IN A PEROXIDE WASTE DISPOSAL TEAM TO HAUL YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE! April: GRR! April: I'M GOING TO HURT YOU SO BAD THEY'LL HAVE TO CONTINUE THE PAIN ON THE NEXT WOMAN! Sounds: BLAM! OOF! AUGH! EEK BRRRRR! ZAP! DOINK! YIPES Sounds: MEDIC!! EEP! OOF! Bob: THIS WOULD MAKE ONE HELLUVA PORNO FLICK, DON'T YOU THINK? Joe: BONNIE! CALM DOWN! Bonnie: YOU DIRTY TRAMP! I'LL X!&#$ KILL YOU! April: WHY IN GOD'S NAME DID I AGREE TO STAY HERE? Joe: WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT? Bonnie: UH... NOTHING Bonnie: SAY, CAN YOU BRING ME A WASHCLOTH? I NEED TO CLEAN UP. Joe: SURE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. George: DAMN IT! WE FINALLY GET A CAT FIGHT HERE AND WE MISS THE WHOLE THING! Barney: I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE POPCORN! Joe: I need a washcloth for Bonnie! Now where the hell... Joe: Waah! What are you doing there? Roger: My evil roomies make me sleep in the bathtub, and now I can't sleep anywhere else. Joe: Mmh. Yeah, right. Say, have you seen a washcloth around? Roger: First, allow me to introduce ourselves. I'm Roger, and this is Fluffy, my pet rock. Fluffy, this is some guy with a weird hairdo I just met. Joe: Look, I don't have time for all this freakish stuff. Bonnie needs me... Roger: Freakish??? Hey, YOU are the guy with the weird hairdo... Joe: The name is JOE, and forget it! JUST FORGET IT! DATE 20000303 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Mike Roger Bonnie Milton Joe Jack Bob Fluffy STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Bob: MAN I COULD USE A BEER AROUND NOW. BUT FIRST A PITSTOP. Bob: BLINK BLINK Roger: FLUFFY! SHH! Bob: ? Bob: WHAT THE HECK? Roger: DON'T MIND US! THERE WERE NOW BEDS LEFT. Door: SLAM! Roger: SIGH. Milton: WELL, WELL... STARTING A FIGHT BECAUSE ANOTHER GIRL SLEPT IN MY ROOM? Bonnie: HARDLY. Milton: DO I DETECT A NOTE OF JEALOUSY? Bonnie: OH, GO TO HELL. Milton: ADMIT IT, BONNIE... YOU REALLY DO CARE ABOUT ME, DON'T YOU? Joe: HI, BONNIE... HERE'S THE WASHCLOTH YOU WANTED. Milton: DAMMIT!! NOT AGAIN! Jack: Hey, I HAVE seen you before! You were in that movie wehre... Mike: Maybe yes, and maybe not. But if you eve say a word about it to any living soul, I'll rip your guts out, chew 'em, and spit them out! Jack: MMPH! Mike: But now that I think about it, that was one pretty AWFUL, GROSS and DISGUSTING threat... Jack: But now I've got a closer look, I seem to recall that Jack Palance looked a little bit older. DATE 20000304 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Roger Milton Jack STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Milton: BLOOD, DEATH AND DAMNATTION! Milton: So he crawls up here from Losersville and the first thing he does is take my girl away from me! Milton: In order to restore the order in the universe, I must KILL him! YeAAah! A sacrifice to the elder gods! He shall perish! He shall SUCCUMB!!! Milton: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Milton: HA HA HAH! Roger: Wow... If Joe heard that, his hairdo would get taller... Jack: No sir I don't like it! DATE 20000305 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Roger Bonnie Joe Jack STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Jack: Listen Joe, about that Bonnie girl... what kind of nut is she??? She beated up this harmless girl... Roger: Yeah, April is harmless. Except for that time she was gonna stab me with a screwdriver... Joe: Shut up, Jack. Bonnie is wonderful, and a great kisser, too... Jack: I'm telling you, she's evil! Joe: Why are you telling me all this? Oh, wait a sec, I KNOW... you're JEALOUS! Because I finally found a girl... Joe: A beautiful angel of kindness and grace, who rescued us from the filthy streets, asking nothing in return... and... and... she french-kisses, too! Jack: I'm telling you, Joe, that girl is evil! She...she clubs baby seals! She puts little piles of rocks around my bed! She... Joe: I'm not listening! BLAH BLAH BLAH! Bonnie: Oh Joe, I heard everything! Do you really love me that way? Joe: Yeeep... Jack: You see? She's evil! She was EAVESDROPPING! Unethical! Unethical! Roger: Big uh-oh. At least he'll die happy. DATE 20000306 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Milton Joe STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Milton: OK, HAIR BOY. THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW.... GLOVE. Caption: PLATEX LIVING GLOVE Glove: WAP! Glove: SSSLAP! Milton: I COULDN'T POSSIBLY PUT INTO WORDS JUST HOW GOOD THAT FELT. Joe: OH YEAH? GLOVE. Caption: ARMORED GLOVE Glove: SLAP! Glove: CLANG! Milton: AAAAH! Milton: THAT IDIOT JOE PROBABLY THINKS THIS BATTLE WILL BE FOUGHT PHYSICALLY. Milton: MY VAST INTELLECT WILL NOT ONLY BEST HIM, BUT CRUSH HIM AS WELL! Milton: ONE SIP FROM THIS WILL PUT LOVERBOY OUT OF THE PICTURE... Milton: AND BONNIE WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO COME BACK TO ME! Milton: ONLY I CAN TREAT BONNIE WITH THE LOVE AND RESPECT SHE DESERVES! Milton: WHICH REMINDS ME... I WONDER IF THE SECURITY CAMERA I PUT IN HER SHOWER TURNED UP ANYTHING... Milton: Care for a beverage? Joe: YOU are offering me a drink? YOU??? Milton: I want to apologize for slapping you. Milton: I've decided to step aside and let Bonnie be happy. That's the important thing. Here's to Bonnie, the best french-kisser in all the county. Doorbell: ding dong Joe: I'll drink to THAT! Doorbell: ding dong Joe: Ain't you gonna get the door? Milton: Just drink the whole thing already, DAMMIT! Doorbell: ding dong DATE 20000307 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Mike Roger April Bonnie Milton Joe Jack Bob STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Rob Barns: HELLO, BOYS! I'M ROB BARNS, THE HEAD OF THE BIG NAFTA CONFERENCE. I'M HERE TO VISIT THE LOCAL STUDENTS AND INTRODUCE MYSELF. Rob Barns: BOY AM I ONE THIRSTY GUY! MIND IF I HAVE SOME OF YOUR DRINK? Caption: COOOOOL FROSSTY YUM! OOO! Rob Barns: THANKS! Joe: SURE. Rob Barns: GLUG! GLUG! GLUG! Milton: HOLD IT! Rob Barns: CHA-CHING! Rob Barns: FWUMP! Milton: HE JUST CROAK? Joe: I THINK SO. Milton: HE DOES LOOK FAMILIAR. Joe: SURE DOES. Mike: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! Joe: OH, MAN... I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS... Bonnie: HOLD ME! Milton: GRRR. Jack: I DON'T KNOW, YOU GUYS... I JUST DON'T SEE THE RESEMBLANCE. April: ROGER, QUIT POKING THE BODY WITH THAT STICK! Roger: I JUST WANT TO BE SSURE HE'S DEAD! Joe: Milton, you BORGIA! You tried to poison me and you killed the wrong guy! Roger: Yeah, Milton. What the hell were you thinking, man? Milton: What??? But it was just a bunch of laxatives! April: Here in the wristband it says he's allergic to everything except pollen. Joe: So he was allergic to it! You still killed him, you murderer! Roger: Uh-oh, Milton. Milton: Me?? You were the one who gave him the drink! Roger: Gee, he's got a point there, Joe.... Milton, Joe: Shut UP, Roger! Roger: You see, April? This is what happens when you try to help ungrateful people... April: You mean, when you stick your nose in male territory fights? DATE 20000308 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Mike Roger April Bonnie Milton Joe Jack Bob Hassengruber Barney Fluffy STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Joe: THERE WAS ONE LITTLE DETAIL YOU LEFT OUT ABOUT THIS TRIP JACK. Jack: WHAT? Joe: THE DEAD GUY! Jack: TAKE IT EASY, JOE! I KNOW THIS IS UNEXPECTED, BUT WE CAN COME UP WITH SOMETHING TO GET OUT OF THIS MESS. ANY SUGGESTIONS? Bonnie: WE CAN GO TELL THE AUTHORITIES. Everyone: NO! Mike: OR WE CAN SIMPLY SACRIFICE THE BODY TO- Everyone: HUH?? Mike: NEVERMIND. Barney: WE COULD FRY HIM UP CAJUN-STYLE WITH- Milton: BARNEY! BAAAAD BADGER!! Roger: FLUFFY SUGGESTS THAT JACK IMPERSONATE BARNS AND GIVES HIS SPEECH WHILE WE SNEAK TO BODY BACKSTAGE. ONCE THE SPEECH IS DONE, JACK BOLTS OUT OF SIGHT AND EVERYONE FINDS BARNS' BODY WITH A SUICIDE NOTE... OR NOT. Everyone: YES! Jack: NO Jack: WHY DO I HAVE TO DO THIS? Joe: CRIMINY... JACK, YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE THIS GUY! ALL YOU NEED IS A MOUSTACHE! Jack: HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE ME AT ALL! Joe: DAMMIT, JACK! WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO ARGUE! Joe: GET DRESSED, ALREADY! BONNIE AND I ARE GOING OUT FOR TACOS. WE'LL BRING YOU ONE BACK. Jack: EWWWW! HE'S WEARING PANTIES AND A GARTER BELT! Jack: I can't do this, Mike. What if the moustache falls off? What if...? Mike: What can be more secure than chewing gum holding it in place? Calm down, you dork! Hassengruber: Dr. Barns! Where have you been hiding, you old fool? Everybody's waiting for you! Jack: Et-eet-eet! GasP! Oirp! Hassengruber: Are you feeling okay, Dr. Barns? Mike: Oh, he's fine. He's just speaking in tongues... Jack: Eep! Mike: Dr. Barns has to save his eloquence for the speech, so seeyaroonie! Jack: Oock, zort! Hassengruber: Um, Dr. Barns? You have gum under your moustache. Mike: Oh yeah! He always saves it there for later... DATE 20000309 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Mike Roger Milton Joe Jack Hassengruber STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Mike: GREAT. HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET RID OF THOSE FLUNKIES SO WE CAN SNEAK THE BODY BACKSTAGE? Jack: I'VE GOT AN IDEA. Jack: HEY BOYS! Jack: FREE BEER IN THE STUDENT LOUNGE! Mike: GOOD IDEA. Hassengruber: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT IS MY GREAT PLEASURE TO INTRODUCE OUR KEYNOTE SPEAKER... Hassengruber: DR. ROBERT BARNS. Jack: UM... THANK YOU, PROFESSOR HASENPFEFFER. Hassengruber: HASSENGRUBER! Jack: WHATEVER... Jack: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I... UH... I... ER, I WOULD LIKE... UM... Jack: FOLKS, I HAD A WHOLE SPEECH PLANNED, BUT INSTEAD I'M GONNA SPEAK FROM THE HEART... Jack: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... Jack: YOU'RE ALL MORONS! Jack: You call yourselves STUDENTS? You're disgraceful! In fact, if YOU are the future, I will NOT be around to see it! It makes me feel like ENDING IT ALL!!! Jack: So GOOD-BYE, LOSERS!!! A-HAHA-HA HAHAHA! Joe: That was SO totally unnecessary, Jack... Mike: I think the speech RULED! Way to go, Jack! Jack: Heh. I always wanted to say that in front of a really big crowd... Milton: Just put the body there and let's scram! DATE 20000310 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Gav STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Caption: CENSORED Person: MORONS? Everyone: MORONS?! Person: LOSERS??? Everyone: YAAAAAAAAAY!!! Person: He's RIGHT!!! From now on, I'm a new man! Person: HOORAY, Dr. Barns! Bravo! Morons! YeeeAAAAAHHH!! Person: My God... the pristine beauty of the truth... Gav: That's it! I'm finishing my doggone thesis right NOW! DATE 20000311 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS April Bonnie Jack Joe STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT April: Does it have to end this way? This SUCKS! Jack: Well, long-distance relationships suck, too... April: But they are such a nice couple! Jack: I thought you hated Bonnie... April: Oh, I do. So? Bonnie: Friends? Joe: Forever. Joe: Aaaw, what the hell! Just one more for the road... DATE 20000312 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Mike Roger April Bonnie Milton Joe Jack Bob Fluffy Barney STORYLINE JA/LAB/CRFH Crossover TEXT Milton: All right, cut that OUT already, you two! Jack: Did you know this moustache has the same effect as a power suit? Roger: Wow! So you're wearing it all the time? Jack: Yes! I will finally get some respect! Person: GAAAH! It's Dr. Barns' GHOST! Person: Kill him!!! Mike: Thanks for letting us stay here, Milton... Milton: Yeah yeah. Anytime. Now leave before someone gets killed. April: SNARRL! Bonnie: HSSSS! Bob: Before you leave I want to ask you what's with the fake tentacle? Mike: It's not a fake tentacle... what's with the midget in the dog suit? Barney: WHAT??? FYI, I'm a talking badger, you idiot! Mike, Bob: Yeah, whatever... Bonnie: Hey, you were in a porno movie, right? Can I have your autograph? Barney: I never felt so insulted in my WHOLE life!!! DATE 20000313 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS April Mike Roger STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT April: THis town is full of weirdos. I'm glad we're finally going home. Mike: Eeeh... oops! I forgot my wallet! You take the bus, we'll have to catch the next one... Roger: What do you mean you forgot it? What about that candy bar you bought a while... Mike: Heheheh! Of course you can have the candy bar, Roger, my buddy! Here! April: Well, if you run really fast, you might be able to catch my bus... Mike: Yeah, sure, we'll try... but don't wait for us! See ya later! Roger: Mmph! Mike: HAHA! We're April-free! Roger: You could have taken the wrapper off, you know... Mike: What? C'mon. The wrapper is the best part... Roger: Duuuh! Of course! I wanted to save it for later! DATE 20000314 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS April Mike Roger STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Mike: Okay, what now? Which way? Roger: That way. Mike: Are you sure? That's not the ugly side of Bayside... Roger: I'm not sure. Mike: What? I thought you DID remember... Roger: Stop putting pressure on me, Mike. I'm doing the best I can! Mike: Sorry. I just have this feeling we're being followed. April: If they thought they were gonna fool me THAT easily, boy, I really need to dye my hair black... DATE 20000315 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Mike: This is it? It looks like an abandoned building... Roger: Positive. It's just a cover. I remember it well... Mike: How did we end up here anyway? Roger: I recall we were in a bar with some guy, and then we made a stupid bet, and then he got us here... Mike: All right! That fire escape ladder looks like the perfect way to sneak in... Roger: It looks like a perfect way to kill ourselves in a rusty, impaling death. DATE 20000316 SETTING Store CHARACTERS Dave Marsha STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Marsha: Dave? Is that you? Dave: Hey Marsha! What's up? Marsha: I can't believe you STILL are wearing that thing over your head! Dave: I'm too embarassed not to. Marsha: But THAT's embarassing, too! Don't people say things about you? Dave: Yeah, but they are the more, like, the subtle kind... Cashier: $4.99, please. So, what's it gonna be, plastic or paper? HAHAHA!!! DATE 20000317 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Margaret Dave STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Marsha: Would you believe it? Dave is losing his mind! He goes with that paper bag over his head everywhere! We oughta do something! Margaret: Really? Well, if you insist... Dave: Wha..? Margaret: snatch! Dave: Hey!!! Margaret: What? Marsha: I hope you never get a job at the U.N., Margaret. DATE 20000318 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Marsha STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Dave: Margaret, you... you are setting my bag on fire... Margaret: Of course! This bag nonsense had to end someday, so why not now? Dave: Well go ahead! I have more bags! Hundreds! Thousands! In a huge pile right behind you, don't you see them? Margaret: Oh yeah? Whoa! Yeowwwch! Marsha: Margaret! Watch out! Dave, Marsha: GAAAAAAAH!!! Margaret: Ee-YIKES! Bags: FWWOOMP! DATE 20000319 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Director Mike Roger STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Mike: Well, we're on the roof... Climbing the fire escape was not such a bad idea, huh? Roger: You know what you are? You are SUICIDAL! That thing is so old I was afriad it would snap any second! Mike: Feh. You and Dave are so pesimistic. Not EVERYTHING has to go wrong EVERY TIME! Roger: Mike, you're standing on a... Roger: ...skylight... Mike: Gaaaaaah!!! Glass: CRASH! Director: CUT! Mike: Not EVERY time... Not EVERY time... Woman: Get off me! Get off me, damn you! Man: This... was... not... in... the... script... DATE 20000320 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Bobby Director Mike Paul STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Director: Who the hell are you and what the hell are you doing here? Mike: It was an accident! I was taking a stroll and then got stuck in one of those revolving doors, and then I began running faster and faster and... Paul: Answer the question already, you worm! Mike: Worm??? I'll give you worm, you...! Mike: And the Unsmooth Move of the Year Award goes to... Mike! DATE 20000321 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS April Roger "Imaginary Floating Wiser April" STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Roger: Shoot! I think they saw me! Time to split! April: What kind of place is this? Where's Mike? Why is Roger running? Imaginary Floating Wiser April: The important question is, why are you following them in the first place? April: Shut up, imaginary floating wiser me! DATE 20000322 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Mike Jimmy Paul STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Jimmy: Heeey Mikey! How's it going? What are you up to these days? Mike: Nothingjustbusyrunningawayfromaguywho'stryingtoKILLME!!! Jimmy: Paul, what's the matter with you? Shooting one of my best actors... what are you, silly? Paul: But he just... but he has a...! Jimmy: Tut-tut. Not a word. You don't want to make me mad, do you? DATE 20000323 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS April Roger Paul STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Roger: Coast is clear... April: Bummer! Now where did Roger go? And on top of everything I think I'm lost! April: Things are progressively going downhill here... DATE 20000324 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Marsha STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Marsha: The fire is spreading quickly! Call the fire department! Dave: I would, but the phone is on fire! Marsha: Help me carry some what here, then! Marsha: Dave, there's not a single container in here! Where do you keep your pots and dishes? Dave: Pots? Dishes? For God's sake, Marsha... we are GUYS! We eat directly from the can! Margaret: Cut out the bull and help me with this sheet! DATE 20000325 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Paul April "Imaginary Floating Wiser April" STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Paul: Hey, who are you? I've never seen you around before... April: Gasp! Uh, that's.. because it's my first day here! Paul: Oh, so you're the new girl. It's about time! Everybody's waiting for you. April: Eeeeeh... ohmygosh, I just remembered, I forgot to deactivate a land mine in my kitchen... Paul: Sorry, there's no time now... April: And may I ask, why does this make you SO STINKIN' happy??? Imaginary Floating Wiser April: Because I told you so? Nyah! Arrow: Imaginary Floating Wiser April DATE 20000326 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS Mike Jimmy Bobby Director STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Jimmy: My God, Mikey! The POTENTIAL! In this business, people like you are a mine gold! Mike: Gee, I can't believe my luck! Jimmy: Bobby! We have the star of our next film! Jimmy: Hey Bobby, look at this thing! Isn't it great? Jimmy: C'mon Bobby, the japanese love this stuff! Bobby: Well Jimmy, I don't like tentacles, but I've always said, any money-bringin' freak is always freakin' welcome! Mike: Actually, I.... Jimmy: Shut up! You don't want to make me mad, do you? You'll be the tentacled pizza guy... Tentacle: Wigglety Wigglety Jimmy: And here's the schoolgirl! Mike: Holy...! April: Whoa, dèja vu.... DATE 20000327 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS April Mike Jimmy STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Mike: April! What are you doing here??? April: I was gonna ask the same, but I see you're here to make the sequel to your porn flick! Mike: Look who's talking, Miss Manga Schoolgirl! April: Well, that wallet thing was such a transparent lie, I just HAD to follow you guys! Mike: You FOLLOWED me? What the hell were you thinking? Okay, now, do you know where Roger is? April: No, I lost him before I got caught. Mike: That means he's still around! Now the only thing left is wait to see if he can help us escape someway... Jimmy: Kids! Here's the script. Read it fast, we start rolling in five minutes! April, Mike: AAAAIGHH! DATE 20000328 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS April Mike Roger STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Mike: What do you suppose "strangling the wallaby" means? April: I hope it's just a snowboarding move. Mike: How about "giving the tentacle"? April: I really, really REALLY don't want to know. Roger: There's Mike! Roger: How do I get him outta this one? Oh, I know! I burst into the room and show them some really funky moves! They'll be so terrified they'll just JUMP outta the windows! Roger: Naaw. Last time I did that, they just laughed. I better call the FBI, instead... DATE 20000329 SETTING Bayside CHARACTERS April Mike Jimmy STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Jimmy: So kids, you ready or what? April: (Mike, do something!) Mike: (But he's pointing his finger at me! What if it's loaded?) Mike: Oh yeah, we're readdy... Mike: to run so fast you hopefully won't have time ot react! Good-bye! Jimmy: What the...? Guy: Jimmy! The Feds are here! Run! Jimmy: Oh. That. DATE 20000330 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS April Mike Roger Marsha Dave Margaret STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Mike: *sigh* After that ordeal, it's good to be home... April: Why did you tell the Feds there was a CULT hiding in the building? April: And why did they burn down the place? Roger: They told me the press was gonna say they did it, anyway... Margaret: I'm sure this means something, but I'm afraid to think about it. DATE 20000331 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Marsha Margaret STORYLINE We're gonna do WHAT??? TEXT Mike: We leave TWO days and you burn down the apartment? WHAT HAPPENED? Mike: Wellllllll??? Dave: It was my fault... Mike: I KNEW it! I knew it, you PLAGUE of EGYPT! Margaret: Yeah, it's his fault for wearing flammable things over his head! Marsha: Margaret!!! DATE 20000401 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Roger: HELLO FOLKS, I KNOW WE'VE NEVER BROKEN THE FOURTH WALL... Roger: BUT TODAY WE WILL, JUST TO SHOW HOW MUCH WE LOVE YOU! Mike: WHAT'S WITH ROGER? Dave: I'M NOT SURE, BUT HE'S BEEN THIS WAY ALL DAY Roger: ESPECIALLY YOU MONKEYS WITH THE FUNNY HATS! Dave: I THINK IT MAY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THOSE BLUE MUSHROOMS HE HAD IN HIS OMLETTE THIS MORNING Roger: AND ALL THE MAGICAL GNOMES LIVING OUT IN INVISIBLE LAND! DATE 20000402 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Marsha Margaret STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT April: My trip was a living nightmare! I was punched, kicked, burnt, and recruited for a porno flick. Oh, and a big chunk of ice almost hit me, too. Marsha: Yeah, and we were trapped in a fire, too. Margaret: I'd say there's an air of conspiracy about this all. Like some kind of EVIL mind is steering our destiny. Like our lives are some kind of bad joke or something. April: Oooooh no! No more coffee for you! First you start with the conspiracy stuff and then you start placing bombs activated by movement detectors! Margaret: Fill 'er up! Fill 'er up or read my shirt! DATE 20000403 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Mike: What's the matter with you? Snap out of it, already! Roger: I can't take it anymore, Mike! They are watching us all the time! Roger: Can't you see them??? The guy on the white shirt... that girl... Mike: Aaah, oh yeah I see them... and the blonde kid... Roger: And that stange creature with the blue hair... Mike: Sorry to break the delusion, but... Mike: That's just a Simpsons poster! Man, you're SERIOUSLY messed up! Roger: Oh, sure, that's what THEY want you to think! DATE 20000404 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Dave: I think these are the mushrooms he used for his omellette. Mike: Well, they look like regular mushrooms, except they're blue. Mike: And of course, they smell kinda funny, and if you look closely, you can see some little doors and windows in them. Mike: And I think I'm getting really stoned just by touching them... Dave: Whoa Mike! Did you hear that??? That bug SNEEZED! DATE 20000405 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Dave: WhoA... I'm feeling REALLY weird! Mike: I'd describe it as a mix between bulimia and a desire to crawl up the wall. Roger: Gramma? Gramma, why are your teeth so big? Dave: Ah-heheheh... Check out the elf with the sloppy hat... Mike: My... God. What's that horrible thing? Roger: GRA-MMA! GRA-MMA! Dave: Bless you, little bug. Mike: Oh DAMN! It's my nose!!! Roger: Please tell me your bra size is not hereditary, gramma! DATE 20000406 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Mike Roger STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Margaret: Hey there Roger. Is Mike home? Roger: What's the password, peasant? Margaret: How about "Let me in, you dork face"? Roger: The peasant knew the password, oh Hooded One. Mike: I told you it was too easy... We need a new password. Roger: How about "I don't know"? Mike: I need smarter subordinates, too... Margaret: You guys overdose on RPGs again??? DATE 20000407 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Mike Roger STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Mike: Our paths meet again, peasant, in accordance with prophecy... Margaret: What's the matte with you guys? You're acting really strange... Mike: Well, we live in pretty strange times, haven't you noticed? Margaret: Exactly! My roommates say I'm crazy, but I know there's something wrong going on here! How did you know??? Mike: I know everything, deary. I'm the Hooded One. The Owner of absolute Truth. Mike: Roger, bring up the Mighty Potion of Knowledge. Roger: One slump or two, gypsy? Margaret: NOW you're speaking wisely! None, and make it a double! DATE 20000408 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Mike Roger STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Mike: It's up to you now. Take the plain mushroom and you will grow taller. Take the blue mushroom, and you will know the truth. But I must warn you, there's no turning back... Margaret: A blue mushroom? I've never seen one of those! Lemme have a look! Margaret: I think I'll have the plain mushroom. I could never eat a mushroom with a live smurf inside. Mike: I didn't say you'd have to eat it... Roger: Tee-heeeee! The Hooded One screwed it up! I'm gonna tell EVERYBODY! DATE 20000409 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Margaret STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Margaret: Hey! What happened to this place? What happened to my clothes? Is this a dream? Mike: Everything you know is wrong, Princess. This is the only true reality... Margaret: Princess??? Mike: As the only heir to the throne you have many enemies. They summoned the forces of evil and managed to cast a spell on you. Now they control your destiny. You must stop them or they will lead the kingdom to its own destruction. Margaret: WHAT?? Well, just tell me who and where they are and I'll kick them into next week! Mike: It's a very dangerous mission. You must not do this alone. Mike: But all the great warriors were busy at this time. And so, these two will help you through your journey. The village idiot, I mean, archer, and the King's buffoon. Roger: I'm no archer! Read my resume, I'm a certified catapult operator! Dave: Tell me if you already heard this one!: A tough guy and a space monkey are sitting in a bar, and... Margaret: Just GREAT! DATE 20000410 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Marsha April STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Marsha: Margaret? Where are you going? Margaret: I'll tell you where I'm going... I'm gonna get my destiny BACK!!! Marsha: EVERYTIME she says that, I feel like leaving the country. April: Heh. Remember when we thought it was just a phase? DATE 20000411 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Margaret: Okay, I'm ready! So, where do we go now? Roger: It's a good thing you brought a sword, because I forgot my catapult at home... Dave: Well, I'm supposed to be your guide... but first, you have to answer a riddle! Margaret: a WHAT? Dave: A riddle! Complete the quote: "In a war, it doesn't matter who's right. It only matters who's..."? Roger: "LEFT!" Man, that is funny and it makes you think, too! You're damn good! Dave: Yeah, I'm so funny I kill me... DATE 20000412 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Margaret: Another dead end! You don't know where we are, do you? Dave: Nononono, I know this place as the back of my neck... Roger: Yes, but it was "left-left-right" after we passed the Oracle chamber. Margaret: There's an ORACLE? Why don't we ask it the right directions? Dave: Look, if for a tiny little fraction of a nanosecond there was just an itty bitty probability we were lost... Roger: Lost? We? HAH! Margaret: Too bad. I also was gonna ask if my sword is sharp enough. Now I'll have to test it myself. Roger: Dave, I think we better get lost now... DATE 20000413 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret Fluffy STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Margaret: Oh mighty Oracle! Shall you help us in our journey? Where will we find the forces of evil? Margaret: Sorry, I just can't do this. I feel ridiculous. Dave: Perhaps you should try asking the question in the form of an answer? Roger: The oracle says if you give it a hump massage it'll think about it. DATE 20000414 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Marsha STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Marsha: I can't believe it! Margaret is out there with a gun and a caffeine overdose, and you gonna do NOTHING about it??? April: That's right, and there's NO WAY you're gonna convince me. April: If I learned something last week, was to mind my own business! From now on, I'll help people only if they ASK me to! Marsha: A-HAH! So now, if I ask you to help me help Margaret, you'd have to swallow your words, huh? April: AAARGH! I shoulda seen THAT coming! DATE 20000416 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret Fluffy Marsha April STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Roger: The oracle says it's waiting for its hump massage. Margaret: Ain't giving no hump massage to any freakin' rock. Roger: The oracle says you better. Margaret: Geez! I can't even see where I'm going! Roger: The oracle says: "I told you..." April: Can I ask where the hell do you think you're going with that weapon, Margaret? DATE 20000417 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret Fluffy April Marsha STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Margaret: What on earth is THAT? Is it a dragon? Why is it trying to stop me? Roger: The oracle talk till it gets its hump massage. Dave: Regular dragons like riddles! So fear not, my fair lady, I'll handle this one! Dave: Two-headed beast! Gimme your best shot. If I solve your riddle you have to let us go on our way... Marsha: Dave? You're talking crazy, too? Oh my gosh! April: What did you sniff? Marsha, we're outnumbered by the nuts here!!! Dave: Okay, I have to admit it. I don't have a clue on what they're talking about... Margaret: I'm running out of patience here! I'll slove things MY way, then! Marsha: NOOOOOOO! DATE 20000418 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret Fluffy STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Margaret: HAH! I've never seen a dragon run that fast! Roger: I was gonna say you've never seen a dragon, but those kind of comments are pointless and too often, painful... Dave: Well, the oracle has got its hump massage. Where should we go now? Roger: The oracle says we have to go down and face the horrors of the underworld, but it'll be our guide if you give it a neck massage. Dave: WHAT?? That's ridiculous! A rock doesn't have a neck! Margaret: Oh, don't worry Dave! I have a power drill! We can give the little rock a neck RIGHT NOW! Roger: The oracle says there's no need to get erosive, and it will settle for the hump massage. DATE 20000419 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret Fluffy STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Margaret: So this is the underworld. Fire and darkenss! Yeaaaaah! Dave: It's not as spooky as I thought. Roger: Yeah, I think they even have air conditioning down here... Roger: Here we are, Princess. The Hall of Hell. Margaret: It's one hell of a hall, too! There must be a thousand doors here! Roger: It doesn't matter. The oracle will lead us to the right door. Roger: This is it. The Forces of Evil are behind this door. Margaret: Sure? I don't want to knock down someone else's door... Dave: Couldn't we try something more diplomatic? I heard the Forces of Evil are not very nice... DATE 20000420 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret Steve Waldo Chester Fluffy STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Door: SLAM! Margaret: Alright, Forces of Evil! This is it! Steve: Hey, do you mind??? We're in the middle of worshipping here! Sheesh! Waldo: If we are going to be invocating entities like HER, count me out of this, Steve! Margaret: Gimme back my destiny or I'm gonna redecorate this place with RED! Roger: Whoa! What happened? What are we doing here? Dave: I don't know, but Margaret with a shotgun and a "DIE!" shirt is NOT a good sign! DATE 20000421 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Steve Waldo Chester STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Margaret: The Hooded One told me you dorks stole my destiny and I'm gonna find it! Steve: WHAT??? What are you babbling about? And who's gonna clean the mess? Waldo: Yeah! Satan is supposed to be here in five minutes... Margaret: A-HAAA!!! Voodoo doll! And it looks like me! Steve: Aaw, that's not you! That's supposed to be Howard Stern! Waldo: Hey, you told me it was Pauly Shore! DATE 20000422 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret Waldo Pepe STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Margaret: My, you keep a buncha useless junk here! A yo-yo, spam, Marvel Bra, stuffed dog... Roger: Pepe???!!! Roger: Pepe, is it really you? I thought I'd never see you again! Waldo: Pepe? It's name is Yog-Sothoth! Roger: Course NOT! It's Pepe and it's my pet coyote! Waldo: It's mine now! My little sister gave it to me! Roger: Oh yeah? I'll fight you for it! Pick your weapon! Waldo: Fine! Patriot missile, then! Roger; FINE! Yard O' Beef, then! Dave: Uh, guys? Can we leave? I think we're not welcome here... DATE 20000423 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret Steve Waldo Pepe STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Roger: Could you hold Pepe while I kick this guy's butt? Blood stains are too hard to clean, and ask no questions about how do I know that... Dave: Just in case you didn't notice, my hands are too busy staying up. Dave: Oh. I should have seen THAT one coming... Steve: Hello??? I have a gun here! So how come no one is listening to me? Margaret: Because it's not loaded, you deviled-egg worshipper! Besides, I still haven't found what I'm looking for! Steve: And what's EXACTLY that you're looking for, huh??? Waldo: @#! Sound: CRASH! Roger: Take that, Mr. Cat for a Hat! Waldo: Sweet baby Cthulhu! Margaret: Damn! I keep forgetting... What are we doing here, anyway? Dave: Kicking butt, making a mess and wearing silly things on our heads? Steve: Hey! These horns are high quality fiberglass! It doesn't get any classier than this! DATE 20000424 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Dave Roger Steve Waldo Satan STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Dave: Aren't we gonna stop them or something? Roger: Take that, you coyote-napper! Steve: Shut up! I bet $20 on the goofy-looking one! Waldo: You're starting to get me mad, you pathetic Dilbert-wannabe! Waldo: Hoooha! Look who's here! Just in time, too! Now you're gonna see, pal... Roger: ??? Dave: Uh oh... Margaret: Ee-yikes! DATE 20000425 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret Waldo Pepe Satan STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Dave: PLEASE tell me that's not Satan... Margaret: Well, it's either Satan or a cloaked Gary Larson cow with some really big horns... Roger: Narf! Of COURSE it's Satan! He came out of the fridge! Satan: I have come for the soul of the one with the sacrifice on the head... YOU! Dave: WHAT??? I don't have a sacrifice on my head! Waldo: I'm the one with the sacrifice! Shoot! Where's my darn cat? DATE 20000426 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret Pepe Satan STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Dave: Why do you want my soul? I didn't summon you! And this is just a stuffed toy! Satan: Because I'm not a nice guy? Dave: I don't believe it! It's IMPOSSIBLE! How can you take my soul against my will? Satan: Like this. Margaret: Dave??? Dave! Roger: Uh-oh. He doesn't look good... DATE 20000427 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret Steve Satan STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Steve: Hey, what the hell's with this guy??? Every demon we summon wants his soul! Satan: Wearing those stupid horns isn't helping you, kid... Margaret: Dave! Wake up! This is not funny anymore...! Roger: It's no ues, Margaret. He's GONE. DATE 20000428 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret Satan STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Margaret: Please, God, this can't be true... Roger: Margaret, would you mind taking your damn hands off him? Margaret: Uh??? Roger: You heard me! What do you care, anyway? He loved you desperately, and all you gave his was a KICK IN THE NUTS! Margaret: It didnt' happen that way... I.... Roger: I don't want to hear it. It's too late, anyway. Margaret: Maybe it's not too late. Maybe we're in time to NEGOCIATE... DATE 20000430 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret Satan Steve Waldo STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Margaret: Wait. I want to make a trade. Margaret: Give him his soul back... you can take mine. Margaret: Nobody's gonna miss me, anyway. Margaret: Only him, maybe for a while. Satan: Oh. But I ALREADY own your soul, Margaret. Satan: But if you don't want to wait till you're dead, I can take your soul... Satan: RIGHT NOW... Gun: BANG! Steve: Just GREAT! That's one demon that is NOT coming back! Thanks a lot, you dorks! Waldo: Aaaw... Margaret: Well we're not staying to find out, you idiot!!! Roger: Gnnnarf! Next time put yourself on a diet before you die! Dave: *groan* Now THAT smarted... DATE 20000501 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Dave: Guys? Can we take a break? Roger: Nowecan'tbecauseIshotSatanandthestupidelevatorisjusttoodamnslow!CmonCmonCmonCmooooooon! Margaret: It's not gonna get up any faster if you murder the button... Roger: Are you okay, man? You were SO dead a while ago... Margaret: How many fingers do you see? Dave: Four. Why are you crying? Margaret: I'm not crying. Dave: Your eyes are red. Margaret: My eyes are NOT RED! Dave: Wait a sec... does that mean you actually CARE about me? Roger: Care??? She was gonna trade her soul to Satan to bring you back! How's THAT for caring? Margaret: Shut UP, Roger!!! DATE 20000502 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike April Marsha Roger STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Mike: Wow, seems like they're having it pretty bad... mine ran off a while ago. April: It could be worse! Margaret had a shotgun! Marsha: Yeah, and I think she fired it a while ago... Roger: GUYS! Open the door! It's us1 Mike: Wait. Are you still stoned? Roger: Of course not! Hurry up, we shot Satan and he's after us! Mike: Forget it, you wackos! Take your killing-spree elsewhere! April: I hope you have a lot of canned food around, Mike... Marsha: *shudder* DATE 20000503 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Roger: Sounds like they're barricading the furniture behind the door. Dave: Aw. Just because we were an itty bit confused a while ago... Margaret: Forget them! Let's go to my place instead! Roger: Do you think Satan is still after us? Dave: I tink if he didn't get us before, he won't now. Margaret: Dave's right. So we just better go inside and relax. Margaret: You guys want a glass of water or something? I'll get it... Roger: Fromthetapisokaywithmethankyou! Dave: Just DON'T open the FRIDGE! AAAAUGH! DATE 20000504 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Roger: There's still one thing I don't understand... how could I shoot Satan? Isn't he supposed to be immortal and immaterial? Margaret: What I want to know is... Where did you learn to load a shotgun SO fast? Roger: I didn't load it. I never touched a shotgun in my life before that. You mean, it was NOT loaded??? Margaret: PTUAJJ!!! Roger: Okay, there's still two things I don't understand... Dave: Maybe... maybe you need an immaterial bullet to shoot an immaterial being... Margaret: A miraculous shotgun! I've always wanted one of those! DATE 20000505 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Margaret STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Marsha: Let me see if I got this straight. You had this hallucination where you were a princess trying to get your destiny back from the forces of evil. Then, in "real life", Satan stole Dave's soul and you negotiated with Satan to bring him back. Margaret: Exactly. Marsha: But according to that, Dave IS your desitny! Margaret: I think I REALLY need some coffee... Margaret: Fill it up. I'm going to Hell, anyway. DATE 20000506 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Mike: For the last time, how can you believe all that RIDICULOUS stuff really happened? You were on a drug trip! It was just a hallucination! Dave: It was NOT! Ask Waldo and Steve, they were there! Roger: Yeah, you can ask Fluffy too... Mike: That's not Fluffy, that's a WATERMELON! You see? You're STILL messed up! Roger: Well, I GOTTA hold something! I forgot Fluffy and Pepe at Waldo's thanks to Mr. Dante here! Dave: Oh well EXCUUUSE me for DYING! DATE 20000507 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Dave Roger Steve Mike Chester Pepe Fluffy STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Mike: Stop tormenting yourself, Dave. Even if it wasn't an hallucination, it's over. Let it go. Dave: It's not that, Mike. I know I'm lucky to be alive, but... Dave: There's something wrong. I feel uneven. Like my soul re-entered my body backwards. Something is MISSING... Mike: As if this day wasn't long enough, Dave. Good night. Steve: YOU, HERE, AGAIN??? Roger: Not to look at your beautiful face, Steve, that's for sure. I want some stuff I forgot here. Steve: Okay, I'll get your junk, just so you don't come here again, ever... Chester: Meooow Roger: Say, this is not the cat Waldo was wearing onhis head, is it? Steve: What? Oh, of course it is, why? Roger: But... but it was DEAD! Steve: So was your little friend, what's the big surprise? Roger: My God, a zombie cat is after me! Open the door! Hurry up! AAAAAAH! Mike: How many minutes till midnight, again? Dave: Five. We have still time to be struck by lightning, abducted by aliens and deported to Hungary. Chester: Meeeeooow... DATE 20000508 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Chester Fluffy Pepe STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Dave: Why are you pounding the door that way? You have a key! Roger: YeahbutIforgotbecausetheZOMBIECATisafterME!!! Dave: !!! Chester: fizzzzz! Dave: Whoa. You know, this is one strangely PEACEFUL moment... Roger: Hey! That cat is, like, the ultimate Instamatic Chest Hair! DATE 20000509 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Chester Fluffy Pepe STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Dave: Mh, Roger, could you give me a hand with this cat? It has some very sharp claws... Roger: There's NO WAY I'm touching that cat, man! It's a zombie cat! Dave: Zombie cat? Roger: Yeah, the last time I saw it, it was lying on the floor next to you, and as DEAD as YOU! Dave: I thought it looked familiar... Roger, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Roger: I think so, Dave. But where are we gonna find zombie tuna in a can to feed it? DATE 20000510 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Chester Fluffy Pepe STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Dave: Even if it's part of my soul, I just can't live with a cat attatched to my chest! Roger: Aw, it's just trying to put itself together... What's the matter, Dave, CAT GOT YOUR SOUL??? HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Dave: This... is NOT FUNNY at all... Chester: Ssska! Dave: But I'm sure having a clawed extension to my personality could prove to be convenient... Roger: Convenient??? For who??? OW! OW! DATE 20000511 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike Chester STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT What the heck is a CAT doing here? Roger: Better get accustomed to it, because it's Dave's sou-oof!!! Dave: PET! Mike: Don't tell me, it followed you home. Roger: Well, sorta. Mike: What if I don't like the idea, huh? Dave: Well, who died and made you Supreme Dictator? This is a democracy, so let's vote! Roger: Yeah! I vote for the cat to stay, and for Dave to leave! DATE 20000512 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret Chester STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Margaret: Hi! I think I forgot some ammo here yesterday... Roger: Sure, go in. It must be around somewhere. Margaret: Hey, I didn't know you had a cat! It's CUTE! Where did you get it? Dave: Well, it sorta got ME... Margaret: Heh. It seems to like me, doesn't it? Dave: Oh, believe me, it LOVES you. Keep scratching, and it'll marry you. DATE 20000513 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Chester STORYLINE Mushroomies from Hell TEXT Roger: What's with the sappy look on you soul-mates? Dave: Just a while ago Margaret was scratching the cat's tummy, and boy, it felt good... Roger: You mean YOU could feel it? Physically? Dave: No, no, just at the emotional level... Roger: Well, it sounds great if its a tummy scratch, but what if a bus runs over it three, maybe four times? Dave: Thank you SO MUCH, Roger. We're never, EVER sleeping again! Roger: Whatever you do, don't let it go near the man with the hot dog stand. Don't ask me why. DATE 20000514 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS April Mike Roger Margaret Marsha Dave "Mr. Dover" STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Mr. Dover: I've been thinking about how all of you failed that last test, and I've decided NOT to invalidate it. Sorry kids, that failing grade IS staying... Board: All you know is wrong Margaret: Great. Not only I'm going to Hell, I'm ALSO failing calculus! April: Why does he tell us these things? Why doesn't he just chop our heads off with an AXE? Marsha: Geez. You're always jumping early to bad-mouth people. Let the poor guy speak... Mr. Dover: Instead, I'm gonna reduce the value percentage of it to 20%. That means if you do better in your next test, you still have a chance... Mike: Well, I suppose that's better than nothing... Dave: Yeah! Nerdy-lookin' guy for President! Roger: I killed myself to get a great score, and you reduce the value percentage??? BAH-PSHHH! Mr. Dover: All right, then. You better study a lot, because it's gonna be even HARDER than the first one... Ah, I almost forgot... it's scheduled for next Monday. April: But we have a HORRENDOUS Algebra test that same day! You can't do this to us! Mr. Dover: Oh, yes I can... Marsha: YOU INCREADIBLY SADISTIC BASTARD!!!!! DATE 20000515 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS April Margaret Marsha "Mr. Dover" STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Margaret: We're DEAD! DEAD, I tell you! Three times DEAD, count' em! Marsha: And the teacher said he wouldn't change the date for the test even ifthe Apocalypse got in the way! April: Things look bad... April: But there are things WORSE than the Apocalypse, right? After all, we have a secret weapon... I say it's time to use it! Marsha: Hey, yeah! I forgot about that! Marsha: Prrrrrrof? Mr. Dover: Uh-oh... DATE 20000516 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Marsha "Mr. Dover" STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Mr. Dover: Why should I change the date for the test, Marsha? You kids never pay attention in class, anyway. It was no big surprise you all failed... Marsha: Actually, you're SUCH a GOOD teacher, and you make calculus SO easy, we just underestimated it... Mr. Dover: Sorry, no go. Monday, and that's my last word about it. Marsha: Aw, cmooon! You know you're killing us! We'll do ANYTHING for a second chance! Just name it! Mr. Dover: Just anything, huh? Well, how about a date? Marsha: *gasp!* You mean an alternate date for the test, RIGHT??? Mr. Dover: Yeah, that too... Marsha: GAAAAH! DATE 20000517 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Margaret: He wants a date??? The NERVE! Marsha: I'm afraid so. April: But... but that's HARASSING! Marsha: Yeah, but I can't prove it. Margaret: Oh, I know! You can go on the date, and we follow you and if he tries something we hit him with a bat! Yeaaah! April: Don't be selfish, Margaret. We could never ask her to do that, even if she does save our butts and we agree to be her slaves for the entire month... Marsha: Actually, he doesn't want a date with ME... he wants a date with one of my FRIENDS! Margaret: Wrath of ye GODS! Tell me it's not me! April: ...because I know I could NEVER do something like that! DATE 20000518 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret Marsha Dave Chester STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Margaret: No sir, not gonna do it! Marsha: What? I spent a lot of effort to get thsi deal, and YOU are cooperating! Margaret: AHA! And why does it have to be ME?? April: Geez! Like it's our fault he likes you! Margaret: But I SUCK at these kinda things! I KNOW I'm gonna mess it up... Marsha: Look, it's not rocket science! Just follow my instructions and he'll be putty in your hands... April: Instructions? Feh. Whatever she does, she's doing it right, somehow... Margaret: YooHoo! Da-veeey! Dave: OH MY GOD! DATE 20000519 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Dave Chester STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Dave: Are you okay? For a moment there I thought you were an evil Marsha clone... Margaret: Yeah, I'm fine. Man, that really HURTS your eyes... Margaret: Say, remember when you said you loved me and you would do anything, ANYTHING for me? Dave: YESSSSSSS!!!!!! Marsha: Great! Because I have this huge, transatlantic-sized favor I have to ask you.... Dave: Nononono! Rewind! That's not what you were supposed to say! You were supposed to say you loved me too! DATE 20000520 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Dave Chester STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Dave: You are asking me to date a guy??? Margaret: Not just ANY guy! It's the calculus teacher, and he's gonna change the test if you do! C'mon, do it for the common good... Dave: Of all the things I'd do for you... conquer a small country... go to jail... bite the head off a rhino... and you ask me to DATE A GUY??? Margaret: Oh, I see. Now I ask you something hard, you forget about your promises and stuff. Dave: Well who could even guess you'd ask me to date a guy? That sets new standards for sacrifices! Margaret: So you're not enough a man to date a guy! DATE 20000521 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Dave Chester Roger STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Dave: I STILL can't believe you're asking me to do that, Margaret... Margaret: Look, I didn't want to upset you. So just forget I asked you anything, okay? Dave: You know we're already doomed, right? Because Roger probably was eavesdropping as always, and so he knows about the deal... that means Mike will know about it. And once he does, he WILL find a way to make me do it. Dave: It's as certain as death and taxes. Dave: Okay, maybe only taxes. Dave: What would YOU do? Chester: MEOOW!! Dave: Ee-yep. Exactly what I'd like to do. Except I don't fit under the couch. Roger: Aaw. Of course you fit! Where do you think I've been eavesdropping all this time? DATE 20000522 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Dave: Say, Mike, how would you react if a male friend of yours dated a guy for better grades? Mike: Why, I'd lose whatever little respect I still had for him! Mike: And I'd call him a CHEAP PROSTITUTE! And then I'd sink his head in the toilet and flush till Greenpeace came and demanded me to STOP! Dave: I see. And what would you do if I went out with the calculus teacher to change the date for the test? Mike: Why, I'd call you a HERO and do your laundry for a month! DATE 20000523 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Mike: Saaaay, how's our hero? Huh? Roger: Hey, can I get you anything? Glass of water? Cuban cigar? Table dancer? Dave: And heeeere comes the pressure.... Dave: You know, you better start studying right away, 'cause I'm NOT gonna date the calculus teacher! Roger: WHAT? I shot Satan for you and this is the thanks I get??? Mike: I can't believe you're letting us down like that! Dave: Feh. Guilt doesn't work with me! Mike: Excellent! That way we can cut out the crap and go straight to the severe pain... Roger: We could do the good cop/bad cop routine, but Mike can get SO extremely violent... DATE 20000524 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Mike: Well, that's it! No more Mr. TalkingYouIntoThingsNiceGuy! You're gonna date the calculus teacher or ELSE!!! Dave: Like you've ever been a nice guy... Mike: You're gonna do it. That's a fact. Dave: HAH! What if I don't? Mike: I'll make your life miserable. Dave: Some threat! You ALREADY do! Mike: HEH! Heheheheheh! And I'm not even TRYING! You don't wanna see me REALLY trying, do you, Dave? Dave: Aw, damn! If only this table was closer to the window... Roger: Um, could you stop smiling, Mike? You're disturbing the space-time continuum, and it slows my watch. DATE 20000525 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Dave: Listen Mike, I'm really not doing it. So you better not waste your time. Mike: Oh, but I'm not trying to convince you, Dave. Simultaneous tests are always fatal for me. Yes, I WILL flunk, but I'm taking you down with me. Mike: So, I'm just gonna stare at you till your head explodes. I'm also gonna poke your ribs every three seconds while singing the Titanic theme song with a high-pitched voice at the top of my lungs. Dave: Oh yeah? Well, watch me closely and see if I care. Caption: 40 minutes later... Mike: Weeeee'll staaaay foreeeeever this way... Dave: GNAAARFFF! All right, dammit! I'll do it! DATE 20000526 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Chester Margaret STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Dave: Okay Margaret, I've decided to date the calculus teacher. But since I'm saving everybody's butts, I want something in exchange. Margaret: My hero! Just name it! Dave: All right then. I want a date. With you. Margaret: Geez! Well, I figure, if I was gonna date the calculus teacher, and you're no more nerdy-lookin' than him... Dave: ...with a good-night kiss included. Margaret: D'oh! DATE 20000527 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Dave: Do you know what's the most terribly ironic thing about this? Roger: What, that the teacher you thought hated you has a romantic interest in you? Dave: Besides that. Roger: What, that Mike is making you date him, but he'll still make endless jokes about it? Dave: And that... Dave: The most ironic thing is - heeeheee, that I'm feeling so anxious about the date, I can't concentrate on my friggin' Algebra! So you see, I'm gonna help everybody else pass, but I am still flunking anyway! HAAAHAAAHAAAH HA HA! Dave: *sob* *whimper* Roger: Um, aren't your sleeves supposed to be longer and tied up in the back? DATE 20000528 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Chester "Mr. Dover" Roger STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Dave: Hey, stop stealing my chips! Are you sure you're me? Geez... Phone: RIING! Dave: Hey. Mr. Dover: Hi Dave, it's Mr. Dover. Dave: Mr. WHO??? Mr. Dover: Mr. Dover, you're calculus teacher. Listen, I wanted to ask you... Dave: PTUAJJ!!! Dave: WHAT? I can't hear a thing! The line is too noisy! Could you call later, like, next semester? Mr. Dover: I'd rather drop by your place, then... Bag: CRINKLE CRINKLE Dave: Nononono you don't need to! I think the line is clear now... Mr. Dover: I just wanted to ask if Friday at 7:00 is okay with you. I'll pick you up. Dave: Yeahyeahyeah whatever! See ya then! Dave: Just great! First I get a date with a guy, and now I'm suddenly starting to understand girls. What's next??? Roger: If you're interested, the man with the hot dog stand performs cheap and effective sex change surgery. DATE 20000529 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike "Mr. Dover" "Maitre d'" STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Mike: Tsk, tsk. Isn't that kinda casual for such a big date? Dave: Shut up, Mike! I really really REALLY don't need any of this. Mike: But Dave, what if he wants to take you to a fancy french restaurant? Mike: You should bring your pearls with you, just in case... Dave: GRRRR! Once this is over, I'm gonna fight you to the death! Mike: As long as you kill him first, Matador...! Mr. Dover: I have a reservation! How's the lobster? Maitre d': Tasty, sir. As always. Dave: Okay, maybe I SHOULD have brought my pearls. But I'm gonna kill Mike anyway! DATE 20000530 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Chester STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Roger: I wonder how's Dave's date going. Mike: Yeah, me too. We should have followed 'em, you know... Roger: AND videotaped the whole thing. Mike: Too bad we don't have a car. Roger: Neither a camcorder. Mike: Hey, what's with Dave's cat? Roger: It's cathatonic. Mike: "Cat-hatonic"??? Now THAT's a STUPID name for a cat! Roger: Unlike "Cat-daver". Mike: That's even more stupid! Roger: Oh, but you don't know what I know... DATE 20000531 SETTING French Restaurant CHARACTERS Dave "Mr. Dover" STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Mr. Dover: You look tense, Dave. Relax! Do I scare you or something? Dave: Um, sorry, Mr. Dover. Eeeeh, it's just that I don't go out a lot to places like this... Mr. Dover: Oh, please. Don't call me Mr. Dover. Call me Ben. Dave: Ben? Ben Dover??? Mr. Dover: Yeah, but I only let some very few selected friends call me that... Dave: Some very...uh... Mr. Dover: Geez! Are you okay? Because I don't remember that CPR thing... Dave: Noooo! I'm FINE! DATE 20000601 SETTING French Restaurant CHARACTERS Dave "Mr. Dover" STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Mr. Dover: Are you sure you're okay, Dave? We can cancel the date and come some other day, if you want... Dave: FORGET IT! I mean, I'm fine. I just... hyperventilate a lot. Mr. Dover: So I've noticed. You should consider doing something about it, because I've seen SO many kids like you... good students who put too much pressure on themselves to get good grades. The ironic thing is they fail because of that... Dave: Um, really? I guess I just never saw it that way... Mr. Dover: Yeah, but none of them was as cute as YOU... Dave: MGGGGGGNH! DATE 20000602 SETTING Car CHARACTERS Dave "Mr. Dover" STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Dave: Mh, I think you took the wrong turn... Mr. Dover: Why? We're going to my house. I want to show you something that's gonna make you feel good. Dave: GOD FORBID IT! I mean, I can't, I gotta study for my Algebra test! Mr. Dover: As I said, you have to learn to relax about your tests. Besides, it won't take that long... hey, look who's in the radio!!! Mr. Dover: Weeee'll staaaay foreeeeever this way... Dave: twitch! DATE 20000603 SETTING House CHARACTERS Dave "Mr. Dover" Dick "Mrs. Dover" STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Dave: Erm, my God, look at the time! I really can't go in... don't worry, I'll walk... Mr. Dover: Aw, it will only take a minute... I just want you to meet my LITTLE DICK! Dave: Your little... uh... Mr. Dover: Well, "little" is not very descriptive... with a little time, he will be as big as ME! Dave: As big as... uh... Mr. Dover: Honey, Dickie, this is Dave. He's one of my best students... Mr. Dover's Wife: Who? The one convulsing on the floor? Dick: Cool! He's FOAMING! DATE 20000604 SETTING Car CHARACTERS Dave "Mr. Dover" STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Dave: Okay, NOW I'm offically confused... Mr. Dover: What, you're wondering what is a married straight guy doing dating another straight guy? Dave: Oversimplified, but yes... Mr. Dover: Well, it's like this. Mr. Dover: When I told Marsha I'd change the test for a date with you, it was just a joke! I never thought she'd take it seriously... I mean, I thought everybody knew I'm married. Mr. Dover: And when Marsha told me you were actually gonna do it, I was surprised to see how far you'd go for a second chance, and I obviously had to stand to my own challenge. Mr. Dover: But when I called you, I realized you thought I was gay, and I couldn't resist playing along, knowing you're Mr. Anxiety Attack. Dave: Wait, did you spend a fortune taking me to a fancy restaurant just to play a MIND GAME on ME??? Mr. Dover: Aw, I won a lobster dinner for two in a contest over the radio... and my wife hates lobster... Dave: And I suppose you said I was cute just to freak me out... Mr. Dover: Yeah, and my name is not Ben Dover, either. Dave: You... you incredibly sadistic BASTARD!!! Mr. Dover: Hey, if I got the reputation anyway... DATE 20000605 SETTING Car CHARACTERS Dave "Mr. Dover" STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Dave: Wow, you must REALLY hate me to do something so evil, sick and twisted to me! Mr. Dover: Naah, I don't hate you. You see, this is a perfect practical demonstration of how you let anxiety override your knowledge... Mr. Dover: You see, you knew all the time my name was not Ben Dover, because I wrote it on the blackboard the first day... but you were so nervous, you forgot about it. Dave: Mmh. James Dover, right? Mr. Dover: Right. It's the same thing you do in your tests... hey, look who's on the radio AGAIN!!! Mr. Dover: ...forEEEEEver this way... Mr. Dover: Dave? DATE 20000606 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Chester STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Mike: Wow! Was that WILD date or what??? Dave: No, I just jumped out of a running car. Hey, you. Mike: Why? Did he tried to smooch you? Dave: I don't wanna talk about it. EVER. Mike: That's okay. I suppose I will find a way to make you give me that information later... but now, let's fight to the death! Dave: WHAT? Are you insane? Okay, stupid question. Forget it, I'm going to bed. Mike: Well, that's so increadibly selfish! And to think I polished and greased up my favorite weapon... Dave: Great! That way it will be easier to put it up your digestive tract... DATE 20000607 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave April Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Dave: Say, would you girls mind a refugee studying with you? April: Of course not! Welcome aboard... Dave: Thank you. Sorry to bother you but Mike just won't leave me alone. April: Still trying to find out about your date with the teacher? Wouldn't it be easier just telling him? Dave: I supposed it would, but I won't be his puppet. Not this time. Marsha: So you don't want Mike to know! But I suppose you wouldn't mind telling US, huh? Margaret: We promise not to tell anybody! At least, not the creepy details! April: Girls, remember that little chat we had about SUBTLETY...? Dave: YOU WILL GET NOTHING! DATE 20000608 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Dave: Mike! You pharisaic tax collector! Dave: Why in the name of Cthulhu are you telling everybody I had sex with the calculus teacher??? Mike: You mean you didn't? Well, it was a wild speculation, since you don't want to talk about it... Dave: Mike, do you... do you realize how I really REALLY HATE YOU, and how you're pushing me to my VERY LIMITS? Huh? Mike: Aaw, if you ever pass that limit, you know I'll be there for you! To fight you to the death, of course... DATE 20000609 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Mike: You're studying calculus??? Dave: I just got tired over the Algebra, so I'm going over Calculus for a while... Mike: No, I mean, why do you study Calculus at all? C'mon, you had sex with the teacher! There's no way you can flunk! Dave: And next time I'm aiming to the kidneys. Mike: Oh, but there won't be a next time. Because you see, tonight, when you're sleeping... DATE 20000610 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Margaret Marsha "Mr. Dover" STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Board: REPENT YOU SINNERS! Mr. Dover: Well, you all have your tests. Any questions? Margaret: I have one. Margaret: I was just gonna ask if we can already start panicking over the fact that this testis just TOO easy to be true, and more likely, these are all trick questions with horribly twisted solutions. Mr. Dover: If you studied enough, Margaret, you should get a good grade. Anyone else? Marsha: I have one! Mr. Dover: If you're gonna ask me again why I'm such an incredibly sadistic bastard, forget it, Marsha. Marsha: Aaw. DATE 20000611 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Marsha Chester Mike Roger Fluffy STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Margaret: I still can't believe I got a perfect score! Marsha: Yeah, it was almost too easy. Maybe Mike was telling the truth... Margaret: Truth? What are you talking about? Margaret: Dave, is it true? Did you sleep with the Calculus teacher to get us a ridiculously easy test??? Dave: WHAT? NO! I... Margaret: That's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me! Thank you! I'll never forget this! *smooooch* Dave: But I... Margaret: YAAAY!!! Dave: ...didn't... Dave: I love you, Mike... Mike: ??! Roger: A-HA!!! So THAT'S why I sleep in the bathtub! DATE 20000612 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Chester Fluffy Pepe STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Dave: You know, my mom never let me have any pets. I never thought having a pet could be so cool... Roger: Yeah, pets rule. They cheer you up when you're donw, they're always there when you feel lonely... Roger: Of course, if you ask me, my pets are a lot better than your pet, mainly because MY pets don't go around crapping and coughing hairballs everywhere. Dave: Incidentally, now that you got Pepe back, who do you love more? Pepe or Fluffy? Mmmmh??? Chester: KS! Roger: SHHHH, man! What are you trying to do, get me in some kind of trouble? NEVER ask me that in front of them! DATE 20000613 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike Chester Pepe Fluffy STORYLINE Test Date TEXT Roger: So, do you have a name for it already? Dave: Yep, I decided to name it Chester... Roger: You shoulda named it Soul-omon. Or maybe Stripes. Dave: Yeah, like I don't get enough weird looks... Roger: Weird? Imagine Mike having a pet. Dave: That'd be one terrified pet. Roger: Yeah! Put Mike next to a hamster in a little wheel, and you got the perpetual motion machine! HAHAHAHA! Roger: Yeah, um... Mike: Aaaw! Why would I want any pets, when I have YOU guys to kick around? C'mon tell me, who loves ya? Dave: Hey! Hey! This is a direct violation of our personal space agreement! Roger: Gnaarf!! Why do I ALWAYS have to get the tentacle? DATE 20000614 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret April STORYLINE Damn this mess TEXT Margaret: Gaaah! I should've returned this book to the library three days ago! April: Well, I need to return these too... Wanna tag along? Margaret: Okay, but just wait a sec... I remembered I had some more books to return... April: AHA! So you're the one who's been HOARDING all the calculus and algebra books! Margaret: Hey, don't think of it as "hoarding" - think of it as "preventing knowledge from reaching other people". DATE 20000615 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike "Mike's Dad" STORYLINE Damn this mess TEXT Mike: Allright, already! I'm on my way! Door: knock knock knock knock knock knock Mike: Mmh, who are you? Mike's Dad: Sanitary Inspector. The people of the building reported this place smells like you have a pile of rotting corpses here. Mike's Dad: My God... I'm gonna hafta stay in quarantine after this... Mike: Quarantine? Sounds familiar. Didn't he direct "Pulp Fiction"? DATE 20000616 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike "Mike's Dad" STORYLINE Damn this mess TEXT Mike's Dad: There's something I don't understand. Mike: What? Mike's Dad: This place is completely empty! So where does the smell come from? Mike: Empty? Geez. Do I have to explain everything? It's not empty! You just make the fog go away and you can take a quick look at the furniture... Mike's Dad: Fog, huh? Okay, explain this... how come you're breathing THAT and you're still alive? Mike: Look, man! We're perfectly fine as we are! DATE 20000617 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike "Mike's Dad" STORYLINE Damn this mess TEXT Mike's Dad: Garbage almost up to the knees... Dirty socks on the ceiling fan... Mike: Hey, I threw those in the basket, and I swear I don't know how they landed there! Mike's Dad: Suppose I open the fridge... Mike: I wouldn't recommend it.We got a causalty last week that way. Mike's Dad: You better start cleaning this mess right away, young man! Mike: Geez! Who do you think you are, my MOM? Mike's Dad: Actually, Mike, I AM your FATHER... Mike: Whoa! Deja VU! Um, really? I always suspected the milkman, but never the sanitary inspector... DATE 20000618 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike "Mike's Dad" STORYLINE Damn this mess TEXT Mike: DAD???? Mike's Dad: Who else? Geez, I hope I don't die or something for taking off the mask... Mike: Wait. You drove all the way to here just to complain about my mess? Mike's Dad: Of course not! Your mom sent me! Blue is coming next week or so, and she's staying with you... Mike: BLUE is coming??? Dad, this is no place for her! I can't be watching over her all the time! Mike's Dad: Of course it's no place for her! In fact, it's no place for human beings! You're gonna clean it up or ELSE! Mike: Incidentally, how's your wife? Mike's Dad: Which one? Mike: That last one. Mike's Dad: Ex-wife, you mean... What's that got to do with anything? Mike: I figure if we're talking about MY mess... Mike's Dad: Oh sure! Change the subject! After all, I'm not the one who's gonna face the wrath of your mom... DATE 20000619 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike "Mike's Dad" STORYLINE Damn this mess TEXT Mike: Hey dad, just curious... where did you get that gas mask? Mike's Dad: I got the wrong door and met the girls who live there... they told me about the smell and were so kind as to give me to mask... Mike's Dad: Some neighbours, huh, Mike? I hope you're working on that, kid... Mike: Heheh. Way ahead of you, dad... I have already a thing going with one of them. Mike's Dad: Just ONE of them??? Feh. You disappoint me. Mike: Well, EXCUUUUSE me for being such a conformist, dad... Mike's Dad: Perhaps you would get some more if you got rid of that silly rubber thing on your left arm... DATE 20000620 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger Dave Chester STORYLINE Damn this mess TEXT Mike: Okay guys, listen up. My little sister is gonna stay here for a few days... and this place looks and smells like Europe after the bubonic plague. Roger: Your little sister? PLEASE tell me she doesn't look like you... Dave: Clean up? Why don't we just move out? Mike: Well I suppose we were gonna hafta clean up SOMEDAY, right? If we start right now, we might even finish before we graduate... Roger: Because if she does, I might be forced to crush my glasses with a steamroller and get a seeing-eye bat... Dave: I still say it's easier to burn down the apartment and build it again. DATE 20000621 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger Dave Chester Monkey STORYLINE Damn this mess TEXT Mike: I suppose we could start dividing the workload into equal parts, and... Roger: OOOOH NO! I DISAGREE! Dave: And I agree on the disagreement! Dave: It's not fair! You're A LOT messier than us! And after all YOU are the one who wants to clean! We're not your slave monkeys! Roger: Yeah, get your own damn slave monkeys! Mike: OH YEAH? Maybe I WILL!!! Mike: Psst, you! Yeah, YOU, the little guy! DATE 20000622 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger Monkey STORYLINE Damn this mess TEXT Roger: Oh, cool! You got a pet monkey! Mike: It's not my pet. It's my employee! I need an assistant to clean up this filthy mess... I kinda stole it from an organ grinder... Roger: Hahah. Nice trick. Funny, it doesn't look like a capuchin monkey. Mike: Maybe it's a spider monkey. It was obviously overqualified for the job. Roger: Oh, wait a second! Spider monkey? So THAT's where Spider Man evolved from! Mike: Brilliant as always, Roger. Too bad the monkey's little uniform doesn't fit you. DATE 20000623 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave Chester Monkey STORYLINE Damn this mess TEXT Dave: Mike, I can't believe it. You actually went and got a slave monkey! Mike: It's not my slave! It's my employee! Dave: Slave monkey it is, then... Dave: But you know nothing about monkeys! And where did you get so many bananas? Mike: I got them really cheap from a colombian drug dealer. He doesn't care about the bananas, he's just using them to smuggle cocaine. Dave: You know Mike, it never ceases to amaze me the quantity and quality of TROUBLE you can get into, in a very short time. Mike: You're always so negative, Dave... hey, does your cat have a flea problem? DATE 20000624 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave Chester Monkey STORYLINE Damn this mess TEXT Dave: How's it going with the monkey? Mike: Terrible! I think it doesn't understand a word I say... I just get that confused look. Dave: Maybe you should try speaking to him in "monkey" Mike: Yeah, too bad I'm not Tarzan... Dave: Mmmh... Chester? Chester: Mrowww. Monkey: OOH-A? Chester: Meoo-ow. Mike: Wow, now THAT's an impressive trick! How did you do that? Mike: Oh, that? Practice, practice, practice... Monkey: [Whistling] DATE 20000625 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave Chester Monkey STORYLINE Damn this mess TEXT Dave: GAAAAH! Mike, what happened to this place??? Mike: Um, it's clean? Dave: Where's the fog? Where's the mountain of dirty clothes? And where's your monkey? Mike: The fog is gone, the mountain crawled into the bathroom by unknown means, and the monkey is enjoying a very deserving lunch break. Dave: Too... too many universal laws broken! This place is CLEAN??? One of you crazy schemes actually WORKED??? C'mon! It's like a Twilight Zone episode! Mike: HAHAH! Well, in you face, Mr. Sceptic! Dave: Oh, but it's still not over. In fact, it probably means this time is gonna be even worse. Mike: You and your paranoia are SOOOO boring, Dave... Monkey: ? DATE 20000626 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger Monkey Marsha STORYLINE Damn this mess TEXT Monkey: sniff sniff Monkey: POIT! Roger: Hey Mike, I didn't know your monkey was SUCH a rock star! Mike: Well, I didn't know either... What, is it playing a tune? Roger: Yeah, and it's called "Trashing the Place" DATE 20000627 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger Dave Monkey Pepe Fluffy STORYLINE Damn this mess TEXT Mike: You stupid monkey! Stop this mayham right NOW or ELSE! Background: OOHAA!! CRASH!!! BOOM! plink plink plinkity plonk! Roger: My pets and I are leaving till the heavy, sharp objects stop flying around. I suggest you do the same. Mike: Eep! Mike: No, I'm gonna stop that monkey ever if it's the last time I do! By the way, where's Dave? Dave: UNDER THE COUCH! Mike: Sheesh. I didn't know you could fit under there! Dave: DON'T ASK! Roger: Actually, the monkey STUFFED him under there. DATE 20000628 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Monkey Marsha STORYLINE Damn this mess TEXT Mike: Grrr! C'mere, you filthy, stoned greased monkey! Mike: A-HA! Gotcha! Bad, bad monkey! Now you're gonna see! Marsha: Mike!!! Just WHAT are you doing??? Mike: Um, it's NOT what it looks like... Marsha: Well, it looks like you SPANKING the MONKEY! Mike: Okay, then it's NOT what it SOUNDS like... DATE 20000629 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger Dave Chester STORYLINE Damn this mess TEXT Mike: Look at this! The fog and the mountain of dirty clothes are back, and everything is smeared with monkey poop! Roger: Well, don't look at me! Dave: Right! He who brings in the monkey cleans the poop! Mike: Okay, okay! I'll do it myself. Just don't complain later when I stay in one of my pissy moods for the rest of the month. Mike: And here I thought you guys weren't gonna help me... Roger: Well, I prefer to deal with a small amount of poop now and not a load of it later! Dave: At least if I help you I can tell you right away to SHUT UP! DATE 20000630 SETTING Library CHARACTERS April Margaret Librarian STORYLINE Funny Farm meets CRFH TEXT Librarian: Hoarding books! Shame on you! Margaret: It was her fault! She let me use her card, knowing I'm evil... April: Well I thought she'd use it wisely! Librarian: I'm going to ban you from the library forever... unless you volunteer as college guides next week. April, Margaret: GAAAH! We'll do it! April: You know something, Margaret? YOU REALLY SUCK! Margaret: Oh, SUUURE! Now I am the one who sucks! DATE 20000701 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Funny Farm meets CRFH TEXT Margaret: GAAAAH! What happened to all my clothes? April: They're dirty. With all the tests and stuff, we didn't do any laundry, remember? Margaret: Well I can't wear my camouflage mini-short! It's strictly post-apocalyptic summer fashion! April: I have nothing clean, either... except for this ridiculous skirt from the porno flick. Margaret: But it's too late now to do laundry! April: Maybe we can borrow something from Marsha... Marsha: Aw, of course you can, girls! But first, you gotta try my delicious hot cakes! April: Uh, we can't! We gotta do our laundry!!! Pan: CLANG! Apron: KISS THE COOK DATE 20000702 SETTING Laundry CHARACTERS April Margaret STORYLINE Funny Farm meets CRFH TEXT Margaret: No sleep! Tomorrow is gonna be murder... And I already have a very low tolerance level for people... April: I hope you don't get us in more trouble... What's that smell? April: Ee-yikes! This stupid dryer machine is burning our clothes and it won't TURN OFF! Pull the plug! Margaret: I can't reach it, and the dryer is too heavy! I can't move it an inch! Margaret: Well, I'm not gonna give that stupid college tour in my stupid camouglage mini-short! I'm gonna wear these same clothes! April: Sheesh... Dryer: BPOOOF! Margaret: At least if it's camouflage nobody will be able to see how stupid I look. April: Lucky you. DATE 20000703 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS April Margaret Pom Ront Mewn Marsha Mike STORYLINE Funny Farm meets CRFH TEXT Pom: YOU TWO ARE MY TOUR GUIDES? April: YUP! CAN I GET YOUR NAME FOR THE NAME TAG? Sign: COLLEGE TOURS 12 - 5pm Pom: UUH... I'LL WAIT UNTIL THE NEXT TOUR. April: YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE HERE IT LOOKS LIKE. WANT YOUR NAME TAG? Pom: IS THERE ANOTHER TOUR I CAN... OOF!! Margaret: TAKE THE DANG NAME TAG AND GO ON THE TOUR ALREADY, LOSER! Pom: UH... THE TAG DOESN'T REALLY SAY "LOSER" ON IT, DOES IT? April: OH MY. YOU MIGHT PREFER IF IT HAD. Ront: Hi! We are looking for my little brother, Pom... they told us he was walking around with some girls called April and Margaret... Marsha: Yeah, they live here, but they're not home. Mewn: Aw, it can't be! I'm dead! Marsha: Well, why don't you guys come in and take a break? Ront: You know what they told me? They told me this college was full of weird people. Heheh. But that girl is pretty nice... Mewn: Mmh, yeah, she's nice. This place could use more transformers, tho... Mike: Heeey! Has anyone ever told you you look a whole lot lke Underdog? Marsha: Voila! Frosty mushroom and carrot juice! Mewn: Eep! DATE 20000704 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS April Margaret Pom Ront Mewn Marsha Mike STORYLINE Funny Farm meets CRFH TEXT April: OKAY, POM. MY NAME IS APRIL AND THIS IS MARGARET. WE'LL GIVE YOU THE TOUR OF THE FACILITIES Pom: MUST CONCENTRATE. FORGET GIRLS GIVING THE TOUR. April: THERE'S OUR GYM, WHICH HAS AN INDROOM POOL, EVEN! Pom: GIRLS WHO ARE ALSO WEARING SKIMPY CLOTHING April: WATCH YOUR STEP. IT'S A BIT SLIPPERAAAAH!! Pom: NO! STAY FOCUSED AND HOPE THESE GIRLS DON'T DISTRACT ME ANYMORE... April: WAH! I'M ALL WET NOW! Margaret: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FALL IN THE POOL! Pom: ER! I HAVE TO GO NOW! Mike: Now listen up, guys. If I know my girl enough, now she's gonna come with some horrible juice mix on a tray, and you're gonna drink it, probably have a nose bleed or two, smile and say it's delicious. She's very sensitive about these things... and when someone hurts her feelings, i can get REALLY violent. Capisce? Mewn: Mmmgh! Mewn: Quick, Ront! Plan B! Ront: Plan B? What's Plan B? Marsha: TADAAAA! Mewn: I thought you knew! Mike: Just in time, honey! These guys are thirsty, right, guys? Ront: What about Plan A? What's Plan A? Mewn: Beats me! DATE 20000705 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Margaret Pom Ront Mewn Marsha Mike Roger STORYLINE Funny Farm meets CRFH TEXT Margaret: THERE YOU ARE! WHAT'S THE DEAL RUNNING OFF? WE HAVE TO GIVE YOU THAT TOUR Pom: GO AWAY, MARGARET. YOU AND APRIL WILL SCREW THINGS UP FOR ME. Margaret: WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! Pom: I BOMBED MY LAST COURSE BEFORE I EVEN GOT IN BECAUSE OF A PRETTY GIRL Pom: I DIDN'T WANT THE SAME TO HAPPEN HERE. IF I CAN'T EVEN MAKE IT THROUGH ONE LOUSY TOUR... Margaret: YOU THINK I'M PRETTY? Pom: OH, NO OFFENSE. I'M SURE YOU'D LOOK HOMELY IF YOU HAD ON CLOTHES LIKE A NORMAL PERSON TOO. Margaret: AND YOU SAY YOU SCREW THINGS UP? Ront: Hey, this actually tastes pretty good... Mewn: Yummy! And I don't feel tired anymore! Mike: So, what is it? Marsha: "Blue Mushroom Energy Mix!" I made it! Mike: Oh no! Not blue mushrooms! Where did you gt those anyway? Marsha: "Food and poison, inconveniently mixed", why? Ront: Ooooh yeah, I feel good. So good, I'm gonna kill everybody in this room... slowly... yeah... Roger: Cool! A nonsense contest! Can I join? Mewn: And now I can get back to saving Little Tokyo from Big Cheese! SAMURAI PIZZA CATS! DATE 20000706 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Margaret Pom Ront Mewn Marsha Mike Marsha Roger STORYLINE Funny Farm meets CRFH TEXT Margaret: LOOK. I'VE BEEN AT THIS COLLEGE LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW THERE'S MORE PROBS THAN JUST THE OPPOSITE SEX. Margaret: JUST STOP BEING A WUSS AND CONFRONT YOUR PROBLEMS SO IT'S OUT OF THE WAY OF WHAT YOU CARE ABOUT. SO IF A GIRL IS IN YOUR WAY, WHAT DO YOU DO? Pom: SMMMOOOCH! Margaret: BLEARGH! Pom: I DON'T THINK I'LL BE CONFRONTING THIS PROBLEM... Ront: Oooookay. Which one of you kiddos wants to go first? Roger: WHOA! Deja vu! Mike: Shoot. Where the hell is Dave when you need him? Okay okay, let's not panic... don't make any sudden movements... let's just move slowly towards the door... Marsha: Oh my! The other guy found Margaret's samurai swords! Mewn: The magical Ginzu sword will cut through anything! And it's a terrific letter opener! Swords: Sssschin! Mike: GAAH! Forget about moving slowly! Let's SCRAM!!! DATE 20000707 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS April Margaret Pom Ront Mewn Marsha Mike Roger STORYLINE Funny Farm meets CRFH TEXT Margaret: YOU JERK! GET BACK HERE! Pom: YEESH! MARGARET'S CRAZY! I'M OUTTA HERE! April: OH THERE YOU ARE, POM. I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR... Pom: ACKPTH! LOOK OUT, APRIL! Pom, April: OOF! OW! EEK! MMF! Pom: SIGH. THE IRONIC THING IS THAT I'D BE ENJOYING THIS IF I WEREN'T FEARFUL FOR MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. April: SHRIEK! Mewn: The mission of a Samurai Pizza Cat is to triumph over evil! So if we hurt you, it's only because we love ya! Marsha: Mike, they're getting closer! What's the plan? Mike: Keep on running, eventually getting tired, and dying! That's it, unless we find Dave or Margaret first... Roger: WHOA! I already got all the love I can handle, thank you very much!!! Ront: Less talking and more killing, Mewn! Sword: GWOSSH! DATE 20000708 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Dave April Margaret Pom Ront Mewn Roger STORYLINE Funny Farm meets CRFH TEXT Dave: Margaret! Why are you chasing that guy? Calm down, you're gonna get in trouble! Margaret: Let me at 'im! I gotta KILL him! Dave: Why? What did he do? Margaret: He KISSED me! Dave: He... WHAT??? Pom: That does it! I'm NOT studying HERE!! Dave: DIE, YOU INFIDEL!!! Margaret: Consider your toes tagged, fuzz-face! April: Hey, can we kill him in a less noisy fashion??? We're drawing attention here! Pom: OKAY! TWO PSYCHO GIRLS WANT TO KILL ME. MY FIRST PLAN SHOULD BE FINDING RONT AND MEWN. SECOND IS TO GET AS MUCH DISTANCE BETWEEN ME AND THIS COLLEGE! Roger: AAIGH! SOMEONE STOP HIM! HE'S GOT A BUTTER KNIFE! Pom: WHAT...? Ront: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! Pom: OKAY. SKIP PLAN ONE AND GO STRAIGHT TO TWO... Mewn: "THEY'VE GOT MORE FUR THAN ANY TURTLE EVER HAD!" DATE 20000709 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS April Dave Margaret Pom Ront Mewn Marsha Mike Roger Baughb Nick Jack Joe Gav Milton STORYLINE Funny Farm meets CRFH TEXT Roger, Marsha, Mike, Margaret, Dave, April: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGHH!!! Feet: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEECH Ront: Dammit! Just when we were gonna kill 'em, they go and kill themselves! Mewn: AI! What's the point of being a Samurai Pizza Cat if I don't kill people??? Pom: Hey bro, you can stand there all day babbling nonsense, but gimme the car keys first. Roger: Too many L-L-legs... everywhere... April: Roger!!! Get your damn hand out of my skirt! Mike: *groaaan* Pom: AFTER WHAT HAPPENED, WE HAD TO ESCAPE THAT COLLEGE. THE PROBLEM WAS RONT AND MEWN THO... Pom: RONT APPEARED TO BE IN A FIT OF RAGE, SO IT WAS TRICKY TO LURE HIM INTO THE CAR. Ront: PAULY SHORE TRYING TO MAKE ANOTHER MOVIE IN MY CAR?! I'LL SHOW HIM!! Pom: MEWN, ON THE OTHER HAND, WAS EASIER IN HIS ANIME HALLUCINATION STATE. Mewn: THEY WANT TO MARKET ME INTO THE NEWEST IMPORT FOR GULLIBLE AMERICANS?! YATA! LET'S GO! Pom: WITH MY BROTHER AND HIS FRIEND SAFE, I DROVE US OUT FO THERE IN FEAR OF OUR LIVES. Pom: THAT'S WHEN I FOUND THIS PLACE A BLOCK FROM CAMPUS. Nick: WELCOME TO THE GROUP. Sign: THE WE SURVIVED COLLEGE ROOMIES SUPPORT CLUB DATE 20000710 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger Chester Fluffy STORYLINE Funny Farm meets CRFH TEXT Dave: Oow! My back! I feel like a freight train ran over me... I'm gonna lie down for a while. Mike: Yeah, lie down... in your grave! NOBODY's going anywhere! We still have a lot of cleaning to do! Roger: Gotta go... URK! Dave: What, do you still think we're gonna help you with that? Mike: Tsk, tsk. You guys and your pathetic, useless resistance. Why do we always have to do things the hard way? Do you think I enjoy being evil? Huh? Roger: Whoa! Deja vu! Mike: As a matter of fact, I do! And to demonstrate, I'm gonna throw your beloved pets to the Thing that Spawned in our fridge! Dave: UNHAND MY CAT, VILLAIN! Roger: Wait, wait! There's no need to get erosive! Chester: MRROW! DATE 20000711 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS April Margaret STORYLINE Funny Farm meets CRFH TEXT Margaret: I can't believe we didn't get that little bastard! Oh, well. Back to the tours. But ain't you gonna put your top in place, April? April: I wish I could, but it snapped. Margaret: Shoot. Okay, don't worry, I'll just tie it up... April: After this, I don't feel like being nice anymore. Margaret: Heh. Welcome to the club. Guy: I heard some girls were giving topless college tours around! Is this it? Margaret: Yeah, we'll give you a topless tour through the land of Extreme Pain! April: And by "topless", we mean we knock your head off first. Still interested? Sign: COLLEGE TOURS 12-5 pm DATE 20000712 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike Thing STORYLINE Roger vs. the Thing TEXT Mike: All right, now... we have to deal with the Thing that Spawned in our kitchen, the Mountain of Dirty Clothes, and the Toilet of Doom. Luck decides who gets what. Dave: Gee. So many fun ways to die, so little time. Roger: Ooh no! I always end up getting the worst! Mike: C'mon Roger. If you guess the number I'm thinking, you win. Roger: Mmh... blue? Mike: Dammit! You WON! Okay, you can have the kitchen... Roger: To explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life... to boldly go where no soap has gone before... Thing: *Gurgle* Grrr.... Roger: And to come back, I hope. DATE 20000713 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike Thing STORYLINE Roger vs. the Thing TEXT Roger: Okay Mike... I'm gonna open the fridge now... be sure to be ready with the flamethrowers, just in case I need help... Roger: My God! Unvelievable! The legends were true! Fridge Door: Wash me Roger: So we DO have parmesan cheese after all! Mike: That's just SO stupid. Turn the damn thing off! Dave: Wait, wait! I want to know what happens to the cheese! DATE 20000714 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike Thing STORYLINE Roger vs. the Thing TEXT Roger: Mmh. Maybe the toxic fumes killed the Thing. Of course, if this was a movie, the Thing would be right behind me. But that's ridiculous. Such things don't... Roger: Ee-yikes!!! Thing: Grbrlbr... ffff.... Roger: Oh God, I should have believed Hollywood! AAARGH! Mike: You STILL don't turn the damn thing off??? Dave: Shhh, man! I want to hear what's gonna happen to Hollywood! DATE 20000715 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike Thing STORYLINE Roger vs. the Thing TEXT Roger: No panic! The thing is right in front of me, and God, it's HIDEOUS! But as long as I'm in my space suit, everything should be just fine... Roger: Whoa! Dave: You flushed the radio down teh toilet??? What the hell were you thinking, man? Money doesn't grow on trees, you know...! Mike: I don't care! Flush, baby, flush! Roger: Help!!! DATE 20000716 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Thing STORYLINE Roger vs. the Thing TEXT Roger: My flashlight! I bet this creature doesn't like light... if I can find some way to distract it... Roger: Oh look, Thing! Parmesan cheese! Fetch it, boy! Roger: Aw, damn!!! I FELL! Gotta reach... Roger: YEAAAARGH!!! Mike: pssshhhh Mike: You forgot your liquid nitrogen again, you idiot. Roger: Remind you to thank me if I ever get out of the catathonic trance. DATE 20000717 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Thing STORYLINE Roger vs. the Thing TEXT Dave: Working hard, as always, huh? Well, take it easy, buddy... We don't want you to have a stroke or something... Roger: You know something, Dave? I really should have let the Devil walk away with your soul. DATE 20000718 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Thing STORYLINE Roger vs. the Thing TEXT Dave: Gee, what are you doing with that horrible Thing? Roger: Taking it to the trash container, loser-face! Dave: Wouldn't it be easier just to smash it? Roger: Remember Terminator? Or Fantasia? And I know if I gotta face an army of tiny little Things, I won't get any help from YOU! Dave: Aw, I told you! I thought you were joking! I didn't think you were in any real danger... besides, I got my own problems... Out, out, damn spot! Roger: Oh right, I forget that your life is a Shakespeare drama and mine is just a Stephen King tale. DATE 20000719 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike STORYLINE Roger vs. the Thing TEXT Dave: What happened to you? Mike: The Mountain of Clothes wanted to digest me and I had to burn it down. Dave: WHAT? But almost all of my clothes were there! Mike: Well, mine too! Do you think I did it for fun, or what? Dave: So, we're gonna have to choose between being naked or starve again. Mike: I'll chose naked. At least I can drop college, join the Chippendales, and earn money. Roger: HAH! Who said you need to drop college to do that? DATE 20000720 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike STORYLINE Roger vs. the Thing TEXT Dave: Roger, please tell me you didn't get all that money doing lewd dances in a thong and stuff. Roger: Of course not, silly! Some nut throught the Thing was the ultimate expression of plastic art and gave me $1000 for it! So Mike, here's your share. Mike: Hey, all right!!! Thanks, man! Dave: Aaaaand..... Roger: And Dave, you're right! You have your own problems, HAHAHAHA! Dave: Ungh! DATE 20000721 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Chester STORYLINE Roger vs. the Thing TEXT Dave: Don't worry, little one. We're not gonna starve again or wear newspaper, either. Fortunately, I have some extra cash around. Dave: Of course, I was saving that money to take Margaret to a nice place for our date, but I guess I don't have another choice. Dave: Her? Oh, never mind. She's imaginary. She's just gonna make me feel miserable for the rest of my life. Margaret: Why don't you do right... like some other men dooooooo.... DATE 20000723 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Mike: Geez, why don't you pound the door a little harder? I can't hear you! Mike: Blue! Blue: Mike!!! Mike: Haha! Long time no see, brat! Have you missed me? Blue: Of course, you idiot! But don't worry, I'm here to ruin your life again! Blue: So this is where you live. Not so bad. Dad told me you were living in a trash container. Mike: Naah. The trash container was CLEANER! We had some toxic fog, and... Mike: Wait a sec. He didn't tell mom, right? RIGHT? Blue: Duuh. Do you see her here, crushing your carefree lifestyle with her iron fist? No. DATE 20000724 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Mike: Roger, this is my little sister, Blue. Blue: Hey there, Roger. Roger: Oh, is THAT your little sister??? Well... SSCHWING!!! Mike: SMACK! Roger: Hey! Why did you do that? I just SNEEZED! Mike: Behave or DIE, Roger. Blue: Wow Mike, you broke your own record. Five minutes here and you already threatened someone with death. DATE 20000725 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Blue Chester STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Mike: Dave, this is my little sister, Blue. She's staying with us for a few days... Dave: Oh. Hey, Blue! Blue: Hi... Dave. Chester: MROOOOWW!!! Mike: Wow Dave, your cat freaked out. Maybe an earthquake is coming. Blue: Mmmh... an earthquake indeed... DATE 20000726 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Mike: Okay, coyotes, listen up... Roger: Hey! I'm SICK of you guys accusing me of being a werecoyote! You can't prove it! Mom said you can't! Mike: What? Shut up! I'm just saying Blue and I are gonna sleep in the bedroom. Dave: Well, we already knew that. So? Mike: I just wanted to remind you guys that even when I sleep like a brick, I'm gonna keep an eye open... and if you try something with Blue... if you TRY.... Dave: I think I'm taking my carboard box and going to sleep under a bridge. Roger: I remember last time I did that. When I woke up, one of my kidneys was gone. DATE 20000727 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Blue Margaret April STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT April: So Blue, you're gonna stick around for some days? Good! Blue: Yep. I already know I want to study here next year! Margaret: Why would anybody want to study here? It's full of weirdos! Blue: Yeah, weirdos like Dave... and he's SUCH a cutie! April: Uh-oh. Better put your eye on someone else. Because you see, Dave and the gun nut here are MADLY in LOVE! Blue: Mmh. This is gonna be slightly harder than I thought. Margaret: What??? Marry him and raise seven kids for all I care! April: Suuuuuuure! Liar liar, pants on fire! Margaret: Is that a request, April? I'll be happy to help... DATE 20000728 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Dave: ? Dave: Um, is there anything I can help you with, Blue? Blue: It depends. Can you take off your clothes and cover yourself with honey? Dave: Uuuuh???? Blue: I asked if I could read over your shoulder... Dave: Really? I heard something else... Blue: Yeah? What did you hear? Dave: Uh, never mind. DATE 20000729 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Dave: Well, it finally happened. Roger: What? Dave: My mind snapped. I've gone loco, nuts, completely bonkers. Dave: It's so weird. I keep hearing someone whisper my name, but nobody actually calls me. And I thought Blue told me something really strange, but that didn't happen either... And I feel like someone is watching me all the time. Crazy, I'm telling you... Roger: Probably just a transitory, late blue mushroom effect. Don't worry, it should go away eventually. Dave: And I'm supposed to not worry??? I could hurt myself, or other people, without even realizing it... Roger: So, if you see me start behaving and looking like a coyote, remember it's a hallucination... DATE 20000730 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Dave: How's it going, Blue? Blue: Oh, fine. I'm waiting for Mike... going up? Dave: Yep! Laters... Dave: Stupid elevator! Why does it have to stop on every floor? Blue: Hey, Dave! Where have you been? Dave: Yikes! DATE 20000731 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Dave: This is impossible! How can you be here? I saw you downstairs just a second ago! Blue: What are you talking about? I've been here all the time... Blue: Dave! What's the matter? Dave: It's happening again! Don't worry, I just need a safe place to rest... Blue: Cmon, I'll take you with the girls. I'm sure they'll take care of you until I find Mike... Dave: The girls? That's NOT a safe place... Blue: Well, I guess I'll just have to handcuff you to the bed... Dave: Oh God, help me! DATE 20000801 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Blue April Chester STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT April: Hello Dave... hey! Are you sick or something? Dave: Kinda... I think I'm hallucinating. Can I come in for a while? April: Maybe we should take you to a doctor... Dave: Nonono, I'll be fine. Just make sure I don't jump out of the window or something please... Blue: Eep! This is slightly higher than I thought... Chester: MROOOW!!! DATE 20000802 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Blue April STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Blue: HAH! I actually didn't kill myself! And now... April: Are you feeling better? Dave: Whew. A lot better. April: Would you like a glass of water? Dave: Yeah, that would be nice, thanks. Blue: Hey Dave! What are you doing here? Dave: Mmmghhn! DATE 20000803 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Blue April STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Dave: Ooooh no! I'm not even gonna look at you! You're NOT real! Blue: Not real? What did you smoke? I just wanted to take a shower, but Roger is taking a nap in the bathtub... Blue: Besides, doesn't this look REAL to you, huh? April: Dave??? Dave! Hey, Dave! DATE 20000804 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave April STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT April: Dave, can you hear me? Dave? You look even worse than before! April: Thank God. For a moment there I thought you were... April: Hey, Margaret! I think your sweet potato is brain-dead! Come here and CPR him or something! Margaret: Dammit, April! Can't you see I'm in the middle of bomb deactivation practice??? DATE 20000805 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Margaret: Whoa. What's with dork-face? Hey, yoohoo! April: I don't know. I left him alone for a minute, and when I came back he was like this... T-Shirt: ROT in HELL! Margaret: I say we put him outta his misery. Good-bye, Dave! April, Dave: YEAAAAARGGGH!!!! April: Margaret, you're a damn PSYCHO!!! Margaret: Aw, it's not loaded! And it worked, didn't it? Dave: I shoulda let Blue handcuff me to the bed. DATE 20000806 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Mike: Laters! I'm gonna take Blue roller-skating... Dave: Ooh. Have fun, imaginary entities... Mike: Mmh. Yeah, right. Well, see you. Dave: This is really getting ugly here. Mike smiling for a non-evil reason? That's GOT to be a hallucination. Dave: And I keep seeing Blue just everywhere. Dave: And, since I'm having delusions with naked girls, why can't Margaret be in them? Dave: What's next? A giant robotic ant? Cthulhu? The Rosicrucians? Roger: Mmmmhphph! Glglglglgl! Mmhph! *growl* Dave: What pisses me off is that I can't even tell the regular insanity from the special delivery. DATE 20000807 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Caption: 12:45 a.m. Dave: My God... what a terrible hideous day. And what if tomorrow is even worse? What if I've gone crazy for good? Dave: Nonono, I'm not gonna think about this anymore. I'm just gonna sleep. After all, it's over. For today, at least. Caption: 2:18 a.m. Blue: Aaaw! He looks so cute in his sleep, I almost don't want to wake him up... DATE 20000808 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Blue: Darn it, Dave... you're so sexy... you know what I'm gonna do? Dave: E-heheheh... Chester, stop that! Chester: And a little dorky, too... but I guess nobody's perfect. DATE 20000809 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Dave: blink Dave: mmph! Blue: (Shhh, Dave. You don't want to wake everybody up, do you?) Dave: (Actually, I do. Because then, the men in white will take me away, put me in a comfy padded cell, and inject me with stuff that will make me sleep... without dreams...) Blue: (Well, I don't see what's so bad about your dreams...) DATE 20000810 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Dave: (Aaw man, I can't believe I'm just SO friggin' CRAZY...) Blue: (Shh... calm down! You're not crazy! You're just a little obsessed, that's all...!) Dave: (OBSESSED? Why should I be obsessed about YOU?) Blue: (Mmh. Maybe because it'd be dangerous to love me, Mike being my bro and all that... and we know you like danger, right? Why else would you love that gun-nut chick?) Blue: (Or maybe you realized she's never gonna love you, and you're trying to find a way to forget her...) Dave: (O...ouch) Blue: (Maybe it's time to have a little self-respect and just let her go...) DATE 20000811 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Dave: Oh, wait a minute. I know why I'm thinking all this. I'm just tired... I'm sure tomorrow everything will look better... Blue: Mmh. Okay, I'll leave and let you sleep. But first... Light switch: click Roger: What the...??? DATE 20000812 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Roger: Man, are you out of your mind??? If Mike sees you kissing Blue, you're SO *gkkkk*!! Dave: You can see her??? But she's an hallucination! Roger: Of course I can see her! I'm not THAT blind! Blue: Oops! Gotta go! Dave: Do...do you know what that means? I'm not crazy! That you God! Thank you! Roger: Aw, c'moooon! Dave: Wait. It also means I'm increadibly, increadibly STUPID! Roger: You are if you think Mike's gonna buy that hallucination thing... DATE 20000813 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Dave: I'm very mad at you, Blue. I don't want you near me... Blue: I'm not listening! Not a word! Dave: Stop being such a kid, Blue! Listen... Blue: NO! I don't wanna! Let me GO! Dave: I don't care if you want to or not! Blue: You... you...! Dave: Mmph! Mike: ??? Blue: You stupid jerk! I HATE you! Mike: Yeah, run, little one. You don't need to see what's gonna happen next... Blue: *sniff* *sob* DATE 20000814 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Dave: Chester, stop scratching the window that way! What's with you? Mike: Dave, can we have a talk? Mike: Tell you what. I'll do the TALKING... Dave: ??? Mike: And YOU will do the BLEEDING! Dave: UNGH! Mike: POW! DATE 20000815 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Dave: Stop it, Mike! Or I'll have to... OOOF!!! Mike: You'll have to do WHAT? HUH??? Dave: ZAP! Mike: Oooh, very nice try... but you barely touched me! You like super powers? Try THIS! Dave: OOW! Arm: crunch! Roger: OOOOH! Rasslin'! Can I play? DATE 20000816 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Roger: Whoa! Ain't you playing a little too rough? Mike: I'm not playing, you idiot! I'm gonna kill this bastard for doing nasty things to Blue! Dave: ...did...not...AUGH! Mike: SHUT UP, YOU...! Roger: Mh, don't you think he's had enough? Besides, where's Blue now? Mike: I don't know. She ran away, crying... What kind of brother am I? I should be comforting her instead of pummeling this pathetic loser... Roger: Um, yeah, exactly my point, man... Dave: *groan* Mike: Ah, screw it! I'll just finish him off quickly! Roger: Why bother? Sanity doesn't wear a mini-skirt! I'd better get Marsha instead... DATE 20000817 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Roger April STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Roger: Marsha! Help! Mike's beating Dave to death, and he WON'T listen to me! April: Marsha's not here... What's the matter? Roger: She's NOT??? Drat, there goes our only hope! Uh, say, is that a mini-skirt? April: Um, yeah... why? Roger: No time to explain! Sorry to bother you, but unfortunately I don't look good in a mini-skirt... April: Let's not go there. Since the porno flick, I wake up in the middle of the night, screaming! DATE 20000818 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger April STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT April: My... God, Mike! Are you out of your mind??? You're gonna kill him! Mike: That's what I want! Go AWAY! Roger: Sheesh, the miniskirt is not working! Now what? Mike: Guys, get the hell outta here! Don't you understand it's DANGEROUS? You wanna get hurt or what? Dave: Ack! Can't... breathe... Roger: YEOWCH! April: Ah, there. You got hurt. Happy? HUH? DATE 20000819 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave April STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT April: Are you okay? Let me see that! Roger; I'm okay, really! It's just a scratch... Roger: Gotta run! Bye! April: Well, what about THEM? Roger: Um, I'll send them postcards from Hawaii! DATE 20000820 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike April "Imaginary Floating Wiser April" Roger STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Imaginary Floating Wiser April: Gaaah! April, what are you doing with that chair??? April: Well, I'm NOT gonna sit on it, imaginary floating wiser me... Imaginary Floating Wiser April: You're gonna whack Mike on the head with it? What if you kill him? Imaginary Floating Wiser April: They're gonna put you in a cell and flush the key down the toilet! April: But if I don't do something, Mike is gonna kill Dave... April: Sorry, Mike... Mike: Oh, very clever, pretending you're dead! Too bad I can still feel your heart beating! But not for long! Roger; SWOOOSH! Roger: GRRRR Mike: Whoa, what big teeth you have, Gramma! DATE 20000821 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Roger: SNARRRL Mike: Well, well! What do you know? So you ARE a werecoyote after all, Roger... Roger: Am NOT! Mike: Aw, C'MON, man! Whatcha gonna tell me? All that hair is your five o' clock shadow? What about the teeth? Got too much milk lately? HAHAHAHAH! Mike: Face it, Roger... you're a werecoyote and you're out of the closet! It's over! Roger: Really, I don't know what the hell are you talking abouuwooooot! DATE 20000822 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Roger: Mike, this time you just went too far... Mike: Not far enough! And just in case you're interested, Roger, you're gonna have to KILL me to stop me! Roger: Oh, I will. If I have to. Mike: So go ahead, traitor. Kill me while I'm too tired to fight back. Oh, and as you cut my throat open with your claws, think about how I saved your life once, you ungrateful bastard. Roger: Uuhh... Roger: April? You get Dave out of here quick, I'll hold Mike... Mike: You can't hold me forever, you know... by the way, just how long does this werecoyote thing last? Roger: Hurry up, April! April: I'm trying *oomph!* strange furry-looking horrible creature! DATE 20000823 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave April Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT April: *mphh!* Can I have some help, here??? Marsha: Mike did THIS??? I can't believe it! April: I should have stopped him! It's all my fault! Is he...? Marsha: He's got a faint pulse, but he doesn't seem to be breathing... April: Well, do something! Anything! Er.... Margaret: Outta my WAY, suckers! April: What the...? Oh, all right, I'll shut up now... Marsha: GRR! As soon as your done bringing him back to life, I'm gonna SMACK you a good one, Margaret. DATE 20000824 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Marsha Margaret April STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Marsha: YES! He's breathing again! You rule, Margaret! Margaret: Well, he's lucky... I've never tried that with a real person before... April: Oh, but I'm sure you didn't blush with the dummy THAT way... Margaret: Uuh... of course I did...! Marsha: Is he conscious? Margaret: Barely. We really should take him to a hospital. April: Should we call an ambulance? Margaret: Wait. Let me check if he has any broken ribs... Margaret: Harumph! Let's take him there ourselves... Marsha: Right. April: Right. Dave: Mmh...heh! HeeHEEEheeheeHEE! DATE 20000825 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Marsha STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Roger: Uh? Parfum? Oh no, I think Marsha is coming! She's gonna freak out if she sees me! Roger: sniff sniff Mike: Too bad. That means our little fun is over, isn't it? Roger: All right! I'll let you go... but just to make sure you don't go after Dave right now... Mike: UGH! Marsha: Mike, are you okay? What happened? Mike: Oh, nothing, just a huge werecoyote and the beautiful singing birds... DATE 20000826 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Mike STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Marsha: Mike, since no one seems to know a thing, I'm gonna ask... exactly why do you want to kill Dave? Mike: Why? Because he forced Blue to kiss him, and God only knows what else! Marsha: She told you that? Mike: No! I saw everything! Mike: I could even hear Blue saying she didn't want to, and Dave saying he didn't care... the little bastard... and now she's out there, somewhere, crying... Marsha: That's very strange, Mike. Just this yesterday, Blue told me she had a big crush on Dave. Mike: You mean he USED her feelings for him to make her trust him? But that's so... so... oh, drat, I'm gonna hvae to kill him TWICE! Marsha: Okay. Let's ask Blue what heppened, and if you're right, I'll hold him while you beat him up. DATE 20000827 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Blue Dave Mike April Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Blue: *sniff* Blue: My God! Wha... what happened to you, Dave? Margaret: Mmh, do you REALLY want to know? Your psycho bro almost beat him to death. Dave: mmgh Blue: Mike WHAT? Dave: I wonder... what did you tell him to make him so MAD at me? Blue: But I didn't...! Dave: Never mind. Whatever it was, it was damn effective. I hope you're happy, Blue. Blue: Mike! Are you okay? What's going on? Mike: Listen, Blue... I'm sorry! I really should have watched over you better... Blue: You're bleeding! Mike: It's nothing. It doesn't even hurt anymore. Blue: Are you SURE you're okay, Mike? Mike: Positive. Blue: Well, in THAT case...!!! Sound: WHACK! Mike: ??? DATE 20000828 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Marsha Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Mike: Ow! Why did you do that??? Blue: Why? Because you almost killed my boyfriend, you stupid idiot! What do you have, a gun instead of a brain? Mike: What? He's not your boyfriend! Blue: Well, I wish he was! Mike: After he forced you to kiss him??? You're CRAZY! Blue: He didn't force me to kiss him! I forced HIM to kiss ME! Mike: Uuuh... ee-whoops! Blue: Ee-whoops, indeed, Asimov! DATE 20000829 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Blue Mike STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Blue: I'm serious about this, Mike. I don't know how we're gonna do it, but we have to find a way to make Dave forgive us. You can't be happy rooming with someone you hate so much... Mike: Why bother? I have a lot of enemies. One more doesn't make any difference... Blue: I don't mean YOU! Stop thinking about yourself for a little second there, Mike! Mike: Well, when I was murdering him, I wasn't exactly thinking about myself, Blue. Blue: We have to apologize, Mike. Mike: Why should I? He's not gonna forgive me. I KNOW it! Blue: Because if you don't, I'm gonna tell Mom about your stupid tentacle! Mike: WHAT??? DATE 20000830 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Marsha Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Mike: Would you believe it, Marsha? The little traitor! I kill all the harassing coyotes around her and this is the thanks I get. Blue: Nobody asked you to kill anybody! Marsha: Whatever. I'm off to see if Dave survived the trip to the hospital... Mike: You see, that's why I don't even try to be good anymore. Everytime I do, everybody ends up hating me. What you're asking is impossible. Blue: Mike, you can't fool ME. I know you. You always get what you want. So get this. Mike: All right, all right. Just give me a month to think about it... Blue: No, I want Dave and you to be friends before I leave. Four days. Mike: Double damn! DATE 20000831 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Mike STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Marsha: I finally convinced Dave not to press charges against you. He said he's only doing it because of me. Mike: Wow, thank's Marsha. I... Marsha: DON'T touch me, Mike. Marsha: You're very, very mad at me, right? Marsha: Of course I'm mad at you! Dave is in pain at the hospital with a broken hand and all you can think about is Blue telling your mom you have a tentacle. Mike: Mmh. You don't know my mom, Marsha. Marsha: No, but what's she gonna do to you, after all? Mike: Well, first, she's gonna look at you and say you're a tramp, then she's gonna drag me home by my ear. Then she'll cut my hear with a scyth, and then I'll have to stand facing the corner for a month. Marsha: That's ridiculous, Mike! Making your face the corner, Dennis the Meance style? C'mon! Mike: Actually, it's more like Blair Witch style... DATE 20000901 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger April Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Roger; So... how's Dave? April: Okay, I guess... he's staying for the night at the hospital, but he'll be home tomorrow. Roger: I'm glad to hear it. Um, listen, April, about that, um, werecoyote incident... Marsha, Margaret: Blue moooon, blue moon blue moon... Dipidipipip... bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom dang a lang lang a ding a dang ding...! Blue mooon.... Roger: Oh yeah, I was saying... could that be our little secret? It's kinda embarassing for me... April: Er...., oh, sure! DATE 20000902 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave April Marsha Margaret STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT April: So, you'll be home in a few hours... how's the hand? Dave: Better, I guess. It doesn't hurt as much as yesterday... Marsha: Hey April, it's time for, you know... April: Well, we're off to guard the door. Dave: Guard the door? Marsha: Yeah, we don't want you two kicked out of hospital early... try not to make a lot of noise... Margaret: Yeah, we thought you needed something to cheer you up, so... Dave: My God... what is she doing??? DATE 20000903 SETTING Hospital CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Chester STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Margaret: Ready? Tadaaa! Dave: Uuuh... nice... Margaret: What? Oh, wait. This naughty cat hid inside my shirt. Dave: Chester??? Oh, gimme gimme gimme! Margaret: I found it outside my window, shaking badly... Margaret: I thought it was sick. Anyway, I fed it and let it sleep in the bed with me. Fortunately, today it seems to be fine again. Dave: Oh, Margaret, you're really something. Thank you! Thank you. Chester: purrrr Margaret: Geez, I have cat hair all over me... I'm going to the bathroom to take it off, and... Dave: I love you. Dave: ...um, Chester. *sigh* Margaret: Mh, yeah. I'll be right back. Dave: Oh, but YOU... you slept in her bed? You hid inside her shirt? You are one incredibly LUCKY bastard! DATE 20000904 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Mike: Roger, stop running like a torpedo everytime you have to go near me! I'm not gonna hurt you or anything, you know! Roger: Yeah, right. Mike: Why should I? You stopped me from making the most stupid mistake of my life! Mike: You see, I'm actually grateful... Here, shake it. Mike: Only a few inches closer... and I can thank you for slamming up against the wall, too! Roger: I CAN'T believe he think's I'm buying THAT! Roger: Oh, I'd be honored, but I'm late for my self-preservating class. DATE 20000905 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Mike: Um, listen, Dave... Dave: Go away, Mike. I don't want to hear your voice, EVER. Mike: Even if I want to aplogize for being a homicidal psycho? Dave: Why should I listen to you? You didn't when I was screaming in pain and gasping for breath. Mike: But it was all a big misunderstanding! Dave: I can understand that. But you never gave me a chance to defend myself. So go away. Mike: Mmh, okay, I can see that you're mad now. I'll be back in ten minutes. Dave: Just... just wait till I can turn my head again... DATE 20000906 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Mike: Aw, c'mon, Dave! I already said I'm sorry... What else can I do? Get a time machine? Dave: You could shut up and leave me alone! Mike: Dave, I know you. You're not like this. It's easier for you to forgive than to hate me forever. Dave: Not gonna happen. Get outta here! Mike: C'mon. Dave: No. Mike: Please? Dave: NO Mike: C'MOOOOON! Dave: NO! GO AWAY! Mike: Whoa, looks like you're gonnna have a fit or something... I'll be, uh, back in ten minutes, again. Dave: NNGRR!!! Dave: Roger, be a good roommate and bring me a mirror. Roger: Only if you promise you're not gonna use it to blast Mike with your laser vision. Dave: Um, yeah, okay, I promise. Roger: Or yourself. Dave: Damn. DATE 20000907 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Mike: Please, Dave, put yourself in my place. My parents divorced when I was 9, and I've watched Blue since then. She's grown up to be a beautiful woman, and... Dave: Nice story. But, if I put myself in your place, I'd be dead by now, right? Mike: You stupid idiot! Can't you see I'm TRYING here? Forgive me already before I rip out your tonsils and stuff them up your...! Mike: ...sorry... Dave: You really SUCK at this, Mike. DATE 20000908 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Dave; What's that noise? Roger: Oh, that? That's Mike bumping his forehead against the wall. Dave: What? Roger: I said it's Mike bumping his head... Dave: I HEARD it! But why? Roger: Well, he said something about how everybody hates him and that he's ending it all. Dave: Right. He's totally crazy if he thinks I'm falling for the old guilt trick. Roger: Yeah, he's crazy. Everybody knows you can't headbang properly without heavy metal background music. DATE 20000909 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Blue: Dave, can I talk to you? Dave: If I say no, will you go away? Blue: Not really... Dave: Why do you ask, then? Blue: I'm really worried about Mike. I think he's gone completely crazy... Dave: REALLY. Blue: No, I mean for real. He's been bumping his forehead against the wall for HOURS! He's gonna hurt himself seriously, and... Dave: He's trying to make me feel guilty, but I'm just the innocent bystander. Not my fault. Blue: You're not gonna help me, right? Dave: Why should I? You were the one who started the whole thing! Blue: Like you never did anything stupid for being in love, Mr. Subliminal shirt. Dave: Uuuh... I paid my dues for that, too... DATE 20000910 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Dave: Mike, stop this comedy. I know you're just trying to make me feel guilty enough to forigive you. Mike: Oh, hah! Hahah! You got me this time, Dave. I guess I just can't fool you anymore. Mike: Only it's not a comedy, it's a freakin' TV movie! Grab a chair! Make some popcorn! Enjoy the show! Dave: You're CRAZY! Mike: Oh, not crazy... just this awful, horrible person... *ugh!* who keeps on hurting everybody around, again and again and again, *UGH!* always... Blue: Mike, STOP! I promise I won't tell mom about the tentacle! You're scaring me! Mike: Blue, darling... why don't you play with your dollies? You don't need to see this... Dave: All right! You win! I forgive you! Just STOP doing that! Mike; What about Blue? Dave: Yeah, I forgive her too! Happy? Mike: I'm so happy I could die. Dave: You know? Sometimes I really wish I was meaner. DATE 20000911 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Blue Mike STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Blue: Mike, that's the most stupid, crazy thing you've ever done. Don't you EVER scare me like that again! Mike: Well, I don't understand YOU. Did Dvae forgive us or not? Blue: Yeah, but next time I ask you something, please don't kill yourself over it. Mike: Bah. You can't kill yourself banging your forehead against the wall. It hurts and you bleed alot, that's it. Blue: So it WAS a comedy! Mike: In a certain way. But I also was trying to make Dave understand that he's not cruel enough to play this game. I can live with his anger, he can't. Mike: I suppose I really needed to get some things out of my system, too. Strangely, I fell better about myself now. Blue: By the way, Mike... I wasn't going to tell Mom about your tentacle. Really. Mike: Silly kid. I knew that all the time. DATE 20000912 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Blue Margaret STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Blue: Girls? Anybody home? Door was open... Blue: ??? Sound: WHACK! Blue: BWAAH! Mike! Margaret: Whoops! Blind karate practice, SORREE! DATE 20000913 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Margaret STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Mike: Margaret! Did you just kick Blue in the face??? Margaret: Yeah, I did... you have a problem with that? Mike: Of COURSE I have a problem with that! I mean, a KICK in the FACE? What ever happened to good ol' catfights? Margaret: Catfights are nasty and I didn't want to leave any marks on her little face. Margaret: Besides, I wasn't even wearing any shoes. Mike: Sheesh. Then it's okay, I guess. Here's that chunk of plastic explosive I promised you. Margaret: Cool! Yellow! Hey, incidentally... Why did you ask me to do that, anyway? Mike: Oh? Because we Green kids only learn things the hard way... DATE 20000914 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Blue Mike STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Mike: She said it was an accident. Blind karate practice, see... Blue: Mike, that's BULL! She did it on purpose! Mike: And why would she? Blue: Isn't it OBVIOUS? She's jealous because I kissed Dave! Mike: A-ha! If you knew there's something between them, why did you hit on Dave in the first place? Blue: I didn't! She told me she didn't care about him! Mike: Well, people usually lie about these things, Blue. So please, next time you like a guy, don't jump on him right away! Take your time to check if it's safe to make your move. I'm not always going to be around to save you from psycho girlfriends. Blue: Or maybe I need to start taking blind karate classes... Mike: Maybe. Let's go get you some icecream for the inside of your mouth. Blue: Ice cream??? I want tequila. Mike: Oh, you want to wake up with a tentacle, too? DATE 20000915 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Blue STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT TV: I'm gonna hit ya... and you're gonna faaaaaalll... and I'm gonna look down... and I'm gonna laugh... Dave: Oh, but she doesn't care about me at ALL, right? Blue: Shut up. DATE 20000916 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Blue Roger STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Roger: Geez. We look like survivors of some nasty civil war. Dave: Ain't we? Blue: That's not funny, guys. I'm really sorry I only came here to ruin your lives. Mike: Not true. We always have lots of weird problems here, with or without you. Roger: Speaking of weird... if your last name is Green, how come your parents named you Blue? Blue: My parents have an odd sense of humor. Right, Michael Redford Green? Dave: Redord? "Red" Green? PFFFFFT!! Mike: NOW you've ruined my life. DATE 20000916 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Blue Roger STORYLINE Blue Madness TEXT Mike: Well, we're off to the station. Say goodbye to the lady, folks. Roger: Bye, Blue. Dave: Take care, Blue. Blue: Bye... wait! My sweater! I think I left it in the bedroom... Mike: I'll get it. Geez, you don't forget your head just because it's attached to your shoulders. Roger: !!! Mike: Anything else you're leaving behind? Blue: Absolutely nothing. Bye, guys. Dave: Bye. Roger: That's so unfair! Why can't I be you? Huh??? DATE 20000918 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April STORYLINE Running Gag TEXT April: C'mon. I don't want to go alone, because there's this bunch of jerks who always shout things at me... Marsha: Mgh. NOW??? I'm not in the mood for jogging... April: Mmh. Okay, then. I'll just go by myself while you sit here. I guess Mike prefers them fat an' proud, right? Marsha: Er... Marsha: Couldn't you change your route so you don't jog by the jerks? April: Of course NOT! It's a matter of principle! I can't let them rule my life! Marsha: Oh, I see you're in control. April: Maybe I'll have to find myself a less chatty partner, eh? DATE 20000919 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Marsha April STORYLINE Running Gag TEXT April: Don't mind them. Pretend you don't hear them. Don't look behind. Don't look down. Don't... Jerk: How much for a lap dance? Jerk: Hey blondie! Jerk: Pssst! Marsha: Grrrr.... Marsha: I heard your momma offers bulk discounts and accepts credit cards, you [CENSORED!] Marsha: Well, you wanted to jog! And we're jogging! As FAST as a chicken out of hell!!! April: And when I'm done with the jogging, I'm gonna start with KICKBOXING! DATE 20000920 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Marsha April STORYLINE Running Gag TEXT Marsha: *pant pant* We're doomed! They're still chasing us and I just can't keep on running! April: No! We're saved! There's the park... We can vanish there! Marsha: Gaaah! The park??? Not the park, please! Anything but the park! April: Why not? Marsha: Just TRUST ME on this one! April: We don't have a lot of choices... Marsha: This is all your fault. I could be on the couch developing fat instead of running away from some wackos in some stupid park. April: Oh yeah? Like it's MY fault you have that trucker's vocabulary! DATE 20000921 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Marsha April STORYLINE Running Gag TEXT April: Why do you hate this park so much, anyway? Marsha: Not just this park! ANY park! Wilderness is my enenmy! And you know why? Marsha: Because of the stupid "SNOW WHITE SYNDROME!" DATE 20000922 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Marsha April STORYLINE Running Gag TEXT April: Pffft!!! Marsha: Go ahead, laugh. Don't you realize it's incredibly annoying? April: What, being harasssed by the nasty furry creatures of the woods? Marsha: Not only them. Don't even make me think about the dwarves... and YOU! The sun is OVER THERE! DATE 20000922 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Marsha April STORYLINE Running Gag TEXT Jerk: There they are! Jerk: GET THEM! Marsha: Shoot. And on top of it all, this! Bird: hssss!! Squirrel: fizzz!! Squirrel: fizzz!! Marsha: Heh. Don't you think it's funny the squirrels went straight for the nuts? April: Do you mean them, or their nuts? Jerk: UAAAH! Get off meee!! DATE 20000925 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Chester Dave Roger Zombie STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Dave: Wow. It's been a week without anything freaky happening here. Now THAT's freaky. Roger: I can freak you out if you want, for a very reasonable price. Dave: You're a professional freak now??? Roger: Hey, no one has MY talent for that... DATE 20000926 SETTING Laundromat CHARACTERS Chester April Zombie STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT April: You just put on your coat and hat - and walk yourself to the laundromat - and when you finish doin' that - bring in the dog and put out the cat! April: Hey! Speaking of cats... sleeping in the basket again? Last time I almost threw you in with the laundry! April: What? Do you see something green? Chester: MROOOW! Zombie: Hey baby! Do you have change for a buck? DATE 20000927 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Dave: Gaaaah! This... this movie is freaking me out! Mike: You are kidding me... it's Ace Ventura! What's so horrible about Ace Ventura? Dave: I don't know! Jim Carrey, maybe? I'm SO outta here! Dave: Uh??? I stopped watching the movie, and I'm STILL terrifyed... that means... Dave: Chester's in danger! You gotta help me find him, man!!! Roger: Gee, what a nut! I mean, I'd love to, but I just saw Mike in his underwear, and I have to wait for my six pizzas to arrive... DATE 20000928 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Zombie STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Roger: Mmmh! Finally! I'm starving! Zombie: What? No tip? Roger: Yeeek!!! Zombie: You are SOOOO going to hell for this... Roger: Uuh... do you think you could bring six more with extra cheese? DATE 20000929 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Roger: HELP! HELP! The zombies got meeeee! Dave: Chester's not here, either! Oh, wait a minute... Roger: There are hundreds! Millions! Waaaaaaaah! Somebody help meee! Dave: YOU! Get up! You're sitting on my cat! Mike: What??? I'm NOT! Dave: I don't care! Get up and hellp me find it, dammit! Dave: Roger! How am I supposed to have my nervous breakdown while you're screaming about zombies and stuff? Roger: GAAAAAAAAAH! Sorreeee! Mike: And people wonder why it takes so little to make me snap. DATE 20000930 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave Margaret Marsha STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Marsha: I'm sorry, but we've looked everywhere and Chester's just not here... Why are you so worried anyway? Dave: Look, it may sound strange, but I KNOW something bad's happening to him... Margaret: Maybe April has seen it. Right now she's at the laundromat... Mike: Missing cat! Someone call the FBI!!! Dave: Oh no! Chester likes to sleep in the basket! I bet April threw him into the laundry machine! Mike: Aw, you were worried about THAT? It needed a bath anyway, and it sounds like a whole lot of happy bubblin' fun... Marsha: Mike... Margaret: I'm gonna get my guns. Laundromats are always full of freaks. DATE 20001001 SETTING Laundromat CHARACTERS Mike Dave Margaret Marsha STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Mike: Brrr. What a creepy, depressing place. Marsha: Looks like something DID happen here... Margaret: Maybe she was kidnapped by the laundromat freaks... Dave: Whatever it was, I bet it wasn't good, and... whoa, deja vu! Mike: "Whoa, deja vu!" what? Dave: Whoa, deja vu, THAT. Mike: It's just a door. What about it? Dave: They went that way. I'm sure... Mike: You're sure??? You're speaking like a damn freakin' psychic! How do you know...? Marsha: Hey! Dave, wait! Margaret: Where are you going? Mike: I'm telling you, he's totally lost it... Margaret: Just great. Now we're gonna have to go after him. Mike: Not ME! I've had it with all the crazy stuff! Marsha: Yes you are! After all you were the one who pummeled the sanity outta him! Mike: Why don't you blame me for the oil shortage while you're at it, too? DATE 20001002 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Chester Sebastian STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Chester: sniff sniff Sebastian: Do you mind? I don't think we've even been properly introduced, and you're already sniffing my butt. Sebastian: SIGH. I FINALLY GET RID OF THAT SO CALLED CERBERUS AND GET COMPLETELY LOST IN THE PROCESS. AND NOW YOU AND YOUR WELCOME. Chester: WEOWW! Sebastian: I DON'T SUPPOSE THAT YOU KNOW THE WAY OUT... NO I DIDN'T THINK SO. Chester: REOW? Sebastian: I SENSE THAT YOU HAVE LOST SOMEONE TOO. PERHAPS IT WOULD BE WISE IF WE WERE TO EXPLORE THESE CAVES TOGETHER. Chester: MREOW. Sebastian: YOU ARE NOT A NORMAL CAT ARE YOU? Chester: REOW?! DATE 20001003 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Mike Dave Margaret Marsha Jacob Jubal STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Dave: CHESTER! CHES - OOWW!!! Margaret: Stop running! Are you nuts or what? Mike: He's not nuts. He's just an idiot! Marsha: Waaah! Wait for me! Marsha: Dave! Are you okay? Margaret: Where the heck did he go? Mike: Bah. I bet he ran into a wall and knocked himself o- Sound: THUD! Mike: WHOA! Margaret: AAARGH! Mike: You know what movie got great reviews? "I warned my friends there was a hole in the ground". And you know what movie got lousy reviews? "I DIDN'T warn my friends..." Dave: Ugh. Sorry. I banged my hand and couldn't even speak for a moment there... Margaret: SHHHH!!! I don't know where we are, but I know one thing... Zombie: bgrlllgl.... Zombie: *groan* Margaret: We're NOT alone. Mike: Doesn't sound like the happy bubblin' kinda fun, either... Zombie: gaaaa Jubal: WHAT WAS THAT GIZM-OOOO WHOA! Jubal: THAT WAS A TRIP. Jacob: THIS GIZMO IS MY POCKET GRIMOIRE. IT CAN CAST VERY SIMPLE SPELLS AND DETECT SOME ENTITIES SUCH AS ZOMBIES. IT CAN ALSO E-MAIL AND FAX. Jubal: UM, WHY ARE WE IN A COIN LAUNDRY? Jacob: I'M NOT SURE... BUT WAIT! IT'S DETECTING SOMETHING AT THAT DOOR! Jubal: YOU MEAN THE DOOR WITH THE ZOMBIE STANDING IN FRONT OF IT? Jacob: YES, THE UM, DOOR WITH THE, UM... OH HELL WITH IT! DATE 20001004 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Mike Dave Margaret Marsha Jubal Jacob STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Margaret: All right, on the count of three... Dave, you blast the ones on the right side, I'll take the left side. Marsha and Mike watch our backs... Dave: You're asking me to kill people in cold blood??? Marsha: Hurry up! They're getting closer! Margaret: I don't know what they are, but they're definitely not people. So, ready? One, two... Dave: Whoa! They're people after all! Only they're DEAD! Zombie: FWOMP! Margaret: BANG BANG Mike: Eeew. I wish they were vampires. They're less messy... Dave: ZAP Margaret: Mmmh. VERY impressive, Dave. Dave: Uhh... do you really think so? Mike: Cut it out! Libido later, dammit! Marsha: DIE, ZOMBIE! DIEEEEE!!! Jubal: NAILED THAT BRAIN SUCKER! Jacob: UH... SPEAKING OF BRAINS Roomies: LOOK! DO YOU HEAR SOMETHING?! Jacob: AHA! LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE MORE ZOMBIES! Jacob: AND THAT ONE HAS A TENTACLE!! DATE 20001005 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Mike Dave Margaret Marsha Jubal Jacob STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Mike: Marsha babe... don't you think that zombie is already dead? Marsha: Sure! He was dead when he tried to strangle me, too! Dave: More zombies! Look out! Jubal: WHOA! Jacob: I think I need to read more books about zombies... I didn't know they could do that! Mike: Oh, he's not a zombie... just a freak! Dave: Look who's talking, tentacle boy... Jubal: W-W-W-WHOA THERE CYCLOPS! Margaret: OKAY! WHO ARE YOU! Jacob: WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE CONFUSION. ZOMBIES WE ARE NOT. Jubal: WELL, I'M NOT ONE AFTER 11:00 AM. Dave: HAVE YOU SEEN MY CAT!! Jubal: HEY! ANOTHER CAT LOSTER, HOW ABOUT THAT. DATE 20001006 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Mike Dave Margaret Marsha Jubal Jacob STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Jubal: So the zombies kidnapped Chelsea and we followed them here. Jacob: And the same thing happened to your friend? Quite a coincidence... Dave: Maybe it means something. By the way, my name is Dave. And they're Mike, Margaret and Marsha. Mike, Margaret: Harumph! Marsha: Hey. Jubal: Jubal. Jacob: Jacob. Mike: Wait a minute... how do we know we can trust these guys? How do you know they didn't kidnap April? Huh? Dave: Why, because of the un-deja vu feeling! Mike: So, we're supposed to trust them because you've never seen them in your life? Dave: Exactly! Mike: Your logic always amazes me, Mr. Spock. Jubal: Sorry to interrupt, B movie characters... aren't we supposed to be looking for our cats? I mean, girls? Jacob: I SUGGEST, THAT SINCE WE SEEM TO HAVE COMMON GOALS, WE ALL BAND TOGETHER IN OUR QUEST. Margaret: HEY! WHO'S BRAIN EXPLODED AND MADE YOU LEADER? Mike: I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE THIS! Jubal: FOR WHAT? PRACTICING PROCTOLOGY? Dave: CHESTER IS THIS WAY!! Jubal: GOOD, WE GET TO FOLLOW THE NICE ONE. DATE 20001007 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Chester Sebastian STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Sebastian: Look at that stupid mutt. He thinks he's so hot just because he has two heads. Well, if we want to get in, we'll have to figure some way to get rid of him... any ideas? Chester: Mmmh... mrooow? Sebastian: Preferably one that doesn't imply you entering safely while he's distracted shredding me apart! Chester: Meow Sebastian: Mmph. Whoever said two heads are better than one... Sebastian: Mmh. You know what? You gave me an idea after all. I hope you can run REALLY fast... Chester: *gulp* Sebastian: ... OUR FAUX CERBERUS... ALTHOUGH JUST AS DANGEROUS AS THE REAL ONE, LET ME TELL YOU,... BUT I DIGRESS. Sebastian: ARE YOU READY! YOU UNDERSTAND THE PLAN?! Chester: REOW!! Sebastian: GOOD! Sebastian: TOUCH NOT THE CAT, BUT A GLOVE!! Sebastian: ... AND WE DAMN WELL BETTER GET REAL TUNA FROM NOW ON!!! Chester: RRREOW! DATE 20001008 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Chester Roger April Chelsea Sebastian Fin-Groot-Taboo STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Sebastian: Ooof! Run faster! And remember, you jump to the right, I'll jump to the left! Aaaand... Sebastian: NOW! Cerberus: BONK! Sebastian: Hah! That was almost too easy. You should consider being my sidekick... Roger: HEY, SHE'S WAKING UP. Chelsea: UHHH. Chelsea: YOU LOOK... ODDLY... FAMILIAR. Chelsea: THE LAST THING I REMEMBER WAS THE ZOMBIES AND THE LITTLE GREEN... Chelsea: HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT EYE! Roger: NOTHING. Chelsea: YOU WERE LOOKING DOWN MY DRESS! Roger: WAS NOT! Chelsea: WAS TOO! Roger: WAS NOT! Chelsea: WAS TOO! Roger: WAS NOT! Chelsea: WAS TOO! Roger: WAS NOT! Chelsea: WAS TOO! Roger: WAS NOT! Roger: WHAT WOULD I WANT TO LOOK DOWN THE DRESS OF A COW LIKE YOU ANYWAY!! Chelsea: YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH A GIRL, FAIRY BOY! Chelsea: FREAK! Roger: BITCH! Chelsea: THAT'S WITCH! April: MY GOD, THIS IS WORSE THAN THE ZOMBIES. Underling: SILENCE!!! LOWER BEINGS! Underling: "NOW BEHOLD THE MAGNIFICENCE OF HE FROM THE 88TH DIMENSION. FIN-GROOT-TABOO!" Chelsea: NOT AGAIN. Roger: I'M THIRSTY April: ... Underling: "...AND PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR THE END OF ALL THINGS!!" DATE 20001009 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Mike Dave Margaret Marsha Jubal Jacob Mermaids STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Jubal: Apparently there's just no way to cross this pool without getting in and swimming... and I bet the water's cold as hell... Mike: I'm not worried about hypothermia, I just don't want another tentacle, that's all! Dave: It doesn't look very deep, though... uuuh, what's THAT??? Mermaid: Ooh! Look, girl! Men! Mike: OOOO-HOO! Forget what I said... Libido NOW! *SLURRP!* Jubal: I must be turning into a cat, too... I'm suddenly in the mood for fish! Dave: Ooh hair. This is NOT hair. First the zombies, now naked hair with only hair over their... uh... hair... Margaret, Marsha: *groan!* Mermaids: COME RIDE THAT LITTLE TRAIN THAT IS ROLLIN' DOWN THE TRACK AT THE JUNCTION Jubal: HEY! THAT'S THE THEME TO ONE OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS. Margaret: JUBAL NO!! Jubal: HOWDY LADIES. Mermaids: WE'RE BOBBY JO. BILLIE JOE AND BETTY JO. Mermaids: AND YOU'RE ALL WET! DATE 20001010 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Mike Dave Margaret Marsha Jubal Jacob Mermaids STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Mermaid: They always fall for it! Right? Mermaid: *giggle* Margaret: That does it! Those three are DEAD fish! Jubal: Wait! Bullets won't work! Let me try a little spell... Dave: Well, hurry up! They're drowning him! Mike: Yeah, but what a way to go... oow! Marsha: Shut UP, you! Margaret: C'MON MAGIC MAN. DO SOMETHING! Jacob: BEHOLD THE MRS. PAUL'S Mermaids: EEEEIII!!! Jubal: HEY, YOU FORGOT THE LEMON DATE 20001011 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Mike Chester Dave Margaret Marsha Sebastian Jubal Jacob STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Dave: BRRRRRR!!! This water is FREEZING cold! I only hope my poor cat didn't have to swim in it... Jubal: Unless it was a flying kitty... Margaret: If my guns get wet I'm gonna get very very ANGRY! Marsha: Well, some people needed a cold shower anyway! Right, Mr. Libido NOW? Mike: *SIGH* Jacob: Even without the zombies and mermaids around, this place is still Hell. Caption: MEANWHILE, THE CATS GET CLOSER TO THE MAIN ENTRANCE. Sebastian: THESE UNDERLINGS SEEM TO BE STRICKEN WITH SOME SORT OF AILUROPHOBIA, A HORRIBLE FEAR OF CATS Underling: CATS! CATS! Sebastian: WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO RESCUE OUR HUMANS IN AN ADMIRABLE AMOUNT OF TIME. Underling: CATS!!! NOOOO!!!! Sebastian: BOO! Underling: EEEIIII!! Sebastian: YOU LOVE THIS, DON'T YOU? Underling: HELLLLPP!!! DATE 20001012 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Roger April Chelsea Fin-Groot-Taboo STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Underling: Rejoice, lower beings! You just won a free trip to the belly of FIN-GROOT-TABOO! Chelsea, Roger, April: GAAAAH! Chelsea: But... but red meat is SO bad for your health! Why doesn't he try tofu instead? April: Roger! Are you just gonna stand there? Turn into your werewhatever thing and save us! Roger: Do you have any idea how PAINFUL is that??? Forget it! And IX-NAY on the werewhatever thing! Chelsea: What are you two being so secretive about, huh? Roger: None of your business! I was just saying that little guy's head looks like the Batman logo! Chelsea: You're an idiot! Roger: GRRR... ARF! ARF! Chelsea: HSSSS! April: Hey, how long till lunch? Chelsea: AND WHY IS THIS OVERGROWN ESCARGOT WANTING TO EAT US? Underling: TO END IT... ALL! Chelsea: "WITH THAT FACE, I CAN SEE WHY." Underling: YOUR DISRESPECT HAS BEEN NOTED AND YOUR DEATHS SHALL BE SLOW AND AGONIZING!! Underling: THE REST OF THE UNIVERSE WILL NOT FEEL A THING AS IT EXPLODES INTO ATOMS. DATE 20001013 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Mike Dave Margaret Chelsea Jubal Roger April STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Margaret: I have the feeling you don't even know where we're going... Dave: Uuh... I knew in the pool. Truth is, I don't know anymore. Jubal: Cold water sometimes does things to your instincts... It'll come back to you, I'm sure... Margaret: If you at least explained how you know these things... Dave: I don't know if you'd even believe me... see, back when Satan tried to steal my soul, I... Dave: EEP! URK! *blip* Mike: Um, is that a large, two headed mass-murderer dog? Jubal: And MY instincts say we should run that way. Underling: TAKE ONE MAGICKAL WEREBEAST, ADD ONE MUTANT WEREBEAST, HAVE, INSERT DEMON'S NAME HERE, CONSUME BOTH BEASTS AT ONCE. ADD VIRGIN FOR BETTER DIGESTION. Chelsea: CONCENTRATE. Chelsea: BREAK THE CHAINS... Underling: ONCE THE CRIES OF AGONY OF THE CONSUMED HAVE DIED DOWN, CHANT CREATION SPELL, SEE BELOW, BACK... Chelsea: GRRRRR Underling: "...WARDS?" Chelsea: GWAORRR!! DATE 20001014 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Roger April Chelsea STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Chelsea: GRRRLRRRRR April: Roger, I swear to God... if you let that panther eat us, I'm not speaking to you again. Roger: Ee-yikes. She's eyeing me! Okay, but I warn you, this isn't gonna be pretty... Roger: OOW! Ah... AUUUUGH! GRRRRR... Roger: Aaaw damn! Another set of clothes shot to hell. April: Forget the clothes! She's gonna JUMP!!! Chelsea: GRRRRRR Roger: RR-RRR-ARF! Chelsea: HSSSSS! Chelsea: RRRRR...GWROAAA!!! Roger: RRAAA!!! DATE 20001015 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Chester Roger April Chelsea Sebastian Fin-Groot-Taboo STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Chelsea: KSSS!! Roger: Eep! Roger: Umph! Chelsea: ROWR!!! Chelsea: KSSS! Roger: Ugh! Roger: GROARRR Chelsea: HSSS! Roger: STUPID CAT! KITTY LITTER FOR BRAINS! Roger: GRR-RR-RRAAAA! Chelsea: GWROAAA!! Sebastian: GOODNESS! WHAT IS ALL THAT RUCKUS?! Sebastian: OH MY... Roger: ARRRRR!!! Chelsea: HSSSSSS! Sebastian: HMM, MISS CHELSEA SEEMS TO BE QUITE BUSY AT THE MOMENT. THE WERE...COYOTE IS A FRIEND OF YOUR I TAKE IT? DON'T WORRY. YOUR FRIEND AND MISS CHELSEA WILL BE FINE. Sebastian: SHE WON'T KILL HIM AND HE CAN'T KILL HER, SO THE MOST THEY'LL END UP WITH A FEW SCRATCHES. NOW LET'S FIND OUT WHAT'S BEHIND ALL THIS FOLDEROL IN THE FIRST PLACE. Chester: MEW? Sebastian: MY WORD. THERE'S OUR PROBLEM RIGHT THERE. FIN-GROOT-TABOO. THE WHINY LITTLE LOWER DEMON. Sebastian: HE'S PROBABLY TRYING TO OFF HIMSELF AND TAKE THE REST OF THE UNIVERSE WITH HIM... AGAIN. Sebastian: I TOLD THAT BABYLONIAN MAGE NOT TO SUMMON FIN, BUT LISTEN TO ME? NOOOO. SORRY... ONCE AGAIN I DIGRESS. Chester: MEOW! YEOW! REOWYEOW! Sebastian: "YES, INDEED WE SHOULD RESCUE YOUR FRIEND... APRIL YOU SAY?" April: CHESTER!!! I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONE FOR GOOD! HEY! WHO'S YOUR LITTLE FRIEND? Sebastian: SIGH... WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR LENGTHY EXPLANATIONS, SO LISTEN CLOSELY AND DO AS I SAY. NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES. April: NOW WHAT? A TALKING CAT?! Chester: MEOW Sebastian: WE MUST GET YOU TO SAFETY. YOU ARE THE VIRGIN. YOU ARE THE KEY. FIN'S DIGESTIVE SYSTEM WOULD NOT TOLERATE THE OTHERS WITHOUT YOU. Sebastian: NOW, YOU ARE FREE THE SPELL IS OVER. YOU NEVER HEARD ME SPEAK. FORGET.. FORGET! April: WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? SWEET KITTY! Sebastian: OH MY LORD, NOT THE SWEET KITTY TALK. WHY ME? LORD, WHY ME? Chester: PRRRRR DATE 20001016 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Marsha Dave Jacob Chester Sebastian April Fin-Groot-Taboo STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Dave: AAAAAAAUUGH! Cerberus: GRRRROWL Gun: BANG! Jacob: Mmh. It exploded instead of dying. Reconfigured energy, just like I thought. Dave: YOU call it reconfigured energy, I'll call it "damn close". Marsha: Are you okay? You look pale. Dave: Yeah... it just caught me off guard... Margaret: Nuts. And I wanted a two-headed trophy, too! April: I THINK YOU TWO HAVE THE PLAN! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!! Sebastian: "I MAY HAVE A FEW MAGICK TRICKS IN MY, UNFORTUNATELY BANISHING DEMONS IS NOT..." Sebastian: MY WORD, FIN SEEMS TO BE SUMMONING SOMETHING. April: OH... MY... GOD!! Sebastian: "WE SEEM TO BE IN CONSIDERABLE TROUBLE." DATE 20001017 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Marsha Dave Jacob Jubal Roger Chelsea Mike STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Dave: Ee-yep. This must be Hell. Every terror ever known to mankind is here, waiting for us... Marsha: AAAH! It's Jason! Jacob: And here I thought I'd seen it all... Margaret: Wrath of ye Gods... Chainsaw: WHEEEEERRRRRR Margaret: I don't think I have enough bullets to take them all. I only hope you don't run out on batteries, Dave. Dave: Ordinarily my answer would be to curl up in a ball on the floor, sobbing and sucking my thumb. But since it's YOU asking... Mike: You know, since the lumberjack incident and the killer clown incident, chainsaws just don't scare me anymore. Jacob: I have a theory about this... Jubal: Forget the theory... look! Jacob: THESE MONSTERS SEEM TO BE RECONFIGURED ENERGY AS WELL! I SUGGEST THAT SIMPLY SHOOTING THEM WILL... Mike: HEY! ISN'T THAT ROGER GETTING CLOBBERED?! Margaret: NOT FOR LONG! Chelsea: RRRRRRR Margaret: LATER! YOU BAD OL' PUTTY TAT!!! Jubal: NOOOOOOOOO!!!! DATE 20001018 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Marsha Dave Jacob Jubal Roger April Chelsea Mike STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT April: Boy, am I glad to see you guys! OUCH! Who is that? Margaret: Sorry. April, meet my first innocent bystander... Chelsea: J-jubal... oh no, please... Jubal: Ugh... Jacob: Way to go, gun-nut chick. Dave: Just... just who the HELL are YOU??? Roger: You don't recognize me? Oh, must be the glasses... Mike: I don't want to sound insensitive, but we're surrounded by monsters and I don't think we're gonna be able to help Jubal if we're, like, DEAD!!! Chelsea: I'VE PUT SOME HERBS ON HIS WOUNDS. Jacob: GOOD. THESE ARE ALL JUST FLESH WOUNDS. I THINK HE WILL BE FINE, AS LONG AS WE CAN GET HIM OUT OF HERE SOON. Chelsea: "HOWEVER" Jacob: "THAT MAY BE EASIER SAID THAN DONE." DATE 20001019 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Marsha Dave April Mike Roger STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Marsha: Nailed another one! Yessss!!! We're not bad at this, are we? Mike: Are you kidding? We rule! And there's another one, trying to hide in that corner... Underling: Heydon'tlookatmeIdon'tevenknowwhatchatalkinaboutjusthappenedtobearound,hemademedoit,reallyIhavenothingtodowiththissowillyapleasekeepyourdistance?Thankyouverymuch. Mike: Aha, and this one actually seems to know something! Marsha: Cool, I love torturing people to make them talk! Oh, sorry. Ex-girlfriend stalking flashback. Underling: EEEEEEEIIIIIIII!!! Mike: OKAY! WHAT GIVES? Underling: THE MIGHTY FIN AND OURSELVES, WE FEED OFF OF ENERGY. Underling: WE HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FEED UPON ENERGY PRODUCED BY YOUR TELE-VISION....ESPECIALLY THE FREAKS AND GEEKS, BUT IT MOVED TO CABLE. WE DON'T HAVE CABLE. Mike: A DEMON WITHOUT CABLE. NOW THAT'S FUNNY. Marsha: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT SLUG FACE WAS GOING TO DESTROY THE UNIVERSE OVER A TV SHOW?!! Underling: THE MIGHTY FIN IS MIGHTY, BUT HE IS VERY MOODY TOO. Caption: MEANWHILE Margaret: BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Margaret: GAAA! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT MOVIE THIS MONSTER IS FROM Margaret: CLICK CLICK CLICK Dave: ZAP!! Dave: I THINK WE GOT THEM ALL. Margaret: COOL. VERY COOL. DATE 20001020 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Marsha Dave Jacob Chester Roger April Chelsea Mike STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Dave: Furry shadow of mine! I thought I'd never see you again! April: Thank God, we got rid of all the monsters. It's over. Margaret: It ain't over till the fat slug sings... I wish I had my miraculous shotgun here! Chelsea: It's my fault. Instead of attacking the demon, I tried to kill Roger. I don't know what happened to me... Jacob: Don't be so hard on yourself, there are enough bad vibes around here to make us kill each other. If only we knew why the demon wants to detroy the universe. Marsha: Because "Freaks and Geeks" was canceled. Jacob: WHAT? Marsha: You heard it! A little green guy told us. But before he could tell us more, Mike went tentacle-happy on him! Mike: Not my fault he had such a scrawny, miserable pencil neck! Jacob: ACTUALLY, THE ENERGY IN WHICH THE DEMONS FEED UPON IS SPAWNED BY HUMAN EMOTIONS. HOWEVER, NEGATIVE EMOTIONS ARE THE MOST PLENTIFUL. THIS DOES SUSTAIN THE DEMONS, BUT IT IS HARDLY FILLING. Jacob: DEMONS, OR CRITTERS AS WE CALL THEM, NEED POSITIVE EMOTIONS TO TRULY FEED. ONCE THE DEMONS HAS GOTTEN THEIR FILL, ONLY THEN CAN THEY BE SENT BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL DIMENSION. Mike: SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING... JUST WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING?! Jacob: I'M SAYING THAT WE BETTER GET DAMN HAPPY... DAMN QUICK! Mike: DAMN. DATE 20001021 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Marsha Dave Jacob Jubal Chester Roger April Chelsea Mike STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Jacob: All right people... I need HAPPY THOUGHTS! Think happy! Hey, everything's okay with the world! Let's make a humongous ball of positive energy! Mike: Yeah, right... and then what? We fly with Wendy and Peter Pan? Roger: I'm happy. I mean, I'm tired and hurt and almost naked, but n ow at least I know I can count on you guys. Mike: No offense, but we didn't even notice you were missing. Roger: And there goes my happy camper status quo... April: I'm happy because I don't have to choose between losing my virginity with Roger or being eaten by a giant slug! Marsha: At least that cat is doing his part. I've never seen a happier pet. Dave: Oh, I've seen him happier, but that's another story. Margaret: Like being happy depnded on TRYING... Jubal: ME HAPPY? I'M IN LIKE...PAIN! Roger: LOOK AT ME. I CAN'T SEE AND I ACHE ALL OVER. Mike: WILL YOU BOTH STOP YOUR BITCHIN! Chelsea: WELL, DESPERATE TIMES DEMAND DESPERATE MESSURES...BOYS? Chelsea: HAPPY NOW? Roger: MAN, I CAN'T SEE HER AND I'M HAPPY. Mike: HAPPY, HAPPY JOY, JOY! Jubal: I'M GOING HOME WITH HER. DATE 20001022 SETTING Caves CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Marsha Dave Jacob Jubal Chester Sebastian Roger April Chelsea Fin-Groot-Taboo Mike STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Margaret: How can they ask me to be happy when I just shot someone? And he's gonna die if I don't get happy soon... but I just can't... Dave: Maybe you... um, need a... friendly hug. Margaret: Don't be silly, Dave... that isn't gonna undo things... Dave: Uuh. No, I suppose it's not... Margaret: But... oh, what the heck... Marsha: You're happy? I can't believe you're working on it... Mike: Well, yeah... didn't you see what that girl did? Marsha: No, I was looking at that cuuuuuuute blue cat over there! What did she do? Mike: Oh, nothing important... some nice magic trick... Sebastian: Oh, for CRYING OUT LOUD!!! Sebastian: And why are YOU so stinking HAPPY? Oh, I see... Jacob: "WE CREATE THE BALL OF ENERGY" Jacob: "AND THEN WE FEED IT TO OUR DEMON..." Jacob: "THE DEMON CONSUMES THE ENERGY AND IS FILLED. NOW IT CAN RETURN TO ITS DIMENSION." Jacob: CHELSEA, IF YOU WOULD DO THE HONORS. Chelsea: A SPELL TO SEND THAT THING BACK... A SPELL IS LIKE A POEM, WHICH IN TURN IS LIKE A SONG... Jacob: HIT IT! Chelsea: HIT THE ROAD JACK AND DON'TCHA COME BACK NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE, HIT THE ROAD JACK AND DON'TCHA COME BACK NO MORE! Jacob: WHAT I SAY? All: HIT THE ROAD JACK AND DON'TCHA COME BACK NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE, NO MORE, HIT THE ROAD JACK AND DON'TCHA COME BACK NO MORE! Someone: HEY IT'S WORKING! THE DEMON'S GOING! Roger: OH WOMAN, OH WOMAN WHY YOU TREAT ME SO MEAN... Roger: YOU'RE THE MEANEST OL' WOMAN I... EVER... SEEN? April: THE PARTY IS OVER ROGER. Dave: YEAH, IT IS. Mike: GOOD! NOW, HOW THE HELL DO WE GET OUT OF THIS PLACE! Dave: CHESTER? Jubal: HOW DID YOU DO ALL THAT STUFF? Chelsea: SORRY, A GIRL'S GOT TO HAVE SOME SECRETS. Dot: FIN DATE 20001023 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Dave Dave Chester Roger STORYLINE COTC meets CRFH TEXT Mike: Sheesh, I'm so glad this is all over! Roger: Do you think it's over? Well I don't. In fact, my spider sense is tingling again. Something's very wrong... Chester: zzzzzzzzz Roger: CLANG! OW! Roger: Mmph... aw, hell! I forgot my glasses in Hell! I guess we'll have to go back. Mike: BWAAAHAHAH! Did you hear that, Dave? He thinks we're going back for his glasses! HAHAHAH! Dave: Yeah, you're right, Mike. It's a beautiful night, indeed. Chester: zzzzz DATE 20001024 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April STORYLINE Nightmares TEXT Marsha: ? Marsha: EEEEEEEEE!!! April: You had a nightmare about WHAT?!? Marsha: Shut up and get me the milk. DATE 20001025 SETTING Wedding Hall CHARACTERS Marsha Mike Roger Pepe STORYLINE Nightmares TEXT Harumph! I HATE weddings! You have to wear uncomfortable clothes, be social, endure the ceremony... Marsha: Yeah, but it's OUR wedding, you DUMMY! Mike: G-gimme that! H-having God a-awful NIGHTMARES... Roger: Sure, Mike. Since you snatch so nicely... DATE 20001026 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April Margaret Chester STORYLINE Nightmares TEXT Margaret: Something doesn't feel right! Margaret: I think it may be because the kitchen smells ...GOOD! Margaret: I must INVESTIGATE! April: Margaret! See Chester! Marsha: I made pancakes for you! They are PERFECT! Margaret: AIGH!! Marsha: Is she still giggling over the burnt pancakes? April: Yep. I think she's lost it. Margaret: HEE! DATE 20001027 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Dave Fluffy STORYLINE Nightmares TEXT Roger: Fluffy! You... you KILLED my ROOMMATES??? You muderous blockhead! Roger: What's the matter with you, rock? Haven't you got an inch of respect for non-mineral forms of life? Huh??? Roger: GAAAH! Roger: How can one roll outta the *bathtub*? DATE 20001028 SETTING Wedding Hall CHARACTERS April Pom STORYLINE Nightmares TEXT April: Well, here I am, getting married to the man of my dreams... Pom: AIGH!!! DATE 20001029 SETTING Strip Club CHARACTERS Dave STORYLINE Nightmares TEXT Music: I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt so sexy it hurts... Woman: Woooo!! Woman: Oh, daddy! Woman: YAY! Music: And I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan New York and Japan... Woman: *whistle* Woman: Ooooh! Austin Powers in Drag: Yeaaah, baby! Woman: MEEEOW! Dave: Wait a second... what the hell amd I DOING??? Music: On the catwalk yeah... Dave: *gasp* Woman: BOOO!! Woman: Hey, what's the amtter? Woman: I want my money back! Woman: Why did he stop? Woman: Hey you! Take it off!!! Dave: YEAAAARGH! Mike: SHUT UP! Dave: I think I'm going back to the nightmare... at least people didn't throw stuff at me there... DATE 20001030 SETTING Hall CHARACTERS Marsha Mike STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Marsha: Whoa! What happened to your face, Mike? Mike: What? Oh, I couldn't sleep at all. I had this nightmare, over and over again... Marsha: And what was it about? Mike: We were getting married... Marsha: Aaaaand? Mike: And... Mike: Uh, Smokey Bear was there. And you know, he really freaks me out. Marsha: Smokey, huh? Funny, you never mentioned that. Mike: Oh yeah, because... uh, it's my darkest secret? DATE 20001031 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Roger Dave STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: Roger, stop following me around! Roger: Following you? I'm going home, you're going home. Dave: Yeah, now. But you've been following me around all day! And you know, it's very annoying. Roger: Well, it happens that you have a good pair of eyes, and I don't. Besides, if being followed is so annoying, why do YOU follow Margaret around? Mmmh? Dave: Erm... Dave: That one was WAY below the belt, Roger. Roger: Sorry. And don't walk so fast, I'm gonna have to put a leash on you, and people will talk... Dave: Shut up. DATE 20001101 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: We're gonna get your glasses NOW??? It's late! And what about tomorrow's test? Roger: I took a nap but I overslept. Besides, there's still plenty of time. Dave: Uh-huh. Look, I'm trying not to panic here... why don't you ask Mike to go with you? Roger: He's asleep. We all had a terrible night. I bet you're sleepy too, but you're too stubborn to admit it. Dave: Well I'm not like you guys! I can't SLEEP my way through college! Sorry, I'm staying. Roger: Bah. You're gonna be up all night and fall asleep in the middle of the test, neeeeeeerrrdd. Dave: And you're gonna bump into every pole in this city, five-eyes! Roger: Wimp. Dave: Loser. DATE 20001102 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Diana Roger STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Roger: Now where was that optical store? I'm so stupid! I never should have done this alone... Diana: You seem to be lost! Roger: Yeah, I can't see a thing without my glasses, and... Diana: Oh, I know what you need. Give me your hand and I'll take you there! Diana: Say, has anyone ever told you you look a lot like Leonardo Di Caprio? Roger: Heh. If I had a dime for every time someone told me that... DATE 20001103 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Roger: Cindave-ella, wake up! Are you dead or what? Mike: Well, if he's not dead, he's gonna die when he hears the good noews and the bad news. Dave: Mmghhn. Pencil: poke poke Roger: Hey man, good news! I got a girlfriend! And she's gorgeous, too! Mike: Hey man, bad news. You slept through the test. It's over. Dave: Uh! W...what? Who? Eh? Dave: YEAAARGH!!! Roger: Geez. Like it was the end of the world or something. Mike: Sleeping through a test? Naah. You getting a girlfriend? Probably. DATE 20001104 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Dave Roger Maritza STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: No offense, but I think you imagined the whole thing. You have a girlfriend and you don't even know where she lives? Yeah right. Roger: Well everything happened very fast! And I know she works in an optical store... if we can find it... Dave: My God, you REALLY are blind, aren't you? We're standing right in front of one. Roger: Ooh, wait till you see her, man! She's a gorgeous redhead with blue eyes, and... Roger: She looks a loooot different in the morning... Maritza: That's why I avoid mirrors before noon. DATE 20001105 SETTING Optometrist CHARACTERS Dave Roger Maritza STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Roger: Look, I came in for an eye exam last night, and the lady charged me $80 dollars for it... Dave: yaaawn Maritza: I don't know if the person in charge is a lady by night, but his name is Joe and he's like, 400 years old. Roger: Mmh, no, believe me, I'm pretty sure she was a woman... Maritza: Besides, all our eye exams are free. You only pay for your glasses... if you need them, that's it. Roger: OOOoh! Keen! Wait here, pal, I'll be right back. Dave: Okay, just hurry up. Roger: Man, these are the kind of things you can't rush! Maritza: Step into the office, please... Caption: Ten minutes later... Roger: Well, THAT was disappointing. Maritza: What was your friend expecting? Having his eyeballs polished for free? Dave: Not precisely his eyeballs, I think... But then again, he lives in the beautiful delusional world. DATE 20001106 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Dave Roger Diana STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: Look at the bright side... at least your glasses will be ready tomorrow and you'll be able to look for her on your own. Roger: Mmh. Diana: Roger!!!! Roger: Teehee! Dave, this is Diana, my girl... Diana, this is Dave, my mutant roommate. Diana: Charmed! Dave: Shocked... DATE 20001107 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April Margaret STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Marsha: Wanna hear the latest one? Roger's got a girlfriend! She's a redhead named Diana, and... April: GAAAAAH! Tell me it's not true! Margaret: Aaaand why the scream? Mmmmh? Marsha: My God, April! You're in love with Roger? Why didn't you tell us before? We could have helped you with that! April: It's not THAT! I can't tell you! Moral dilemma, ack! Margaret: AHA! So all those times you teased me with Dave were just a diversion! Right? HAHA! DATE 20001108 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Mike: Man, I can't believe it. He's got DIANA! How the hell did he do that? Dave: She ran away from you, didn't she? Mike: This has to be a pizza dream. Pinch me. Dave: Mh. Okay. Mike: YOW!! Not so hard! Dave: You didn't specify. Dave: Whoa. That looks like some deep French-kissing, too. Mike: Pinch me again. Harder. DATE 20001109 SETTING Hall CHARACTERS April Marsha Margaret Mike STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT April: HEEEEEEY! I've got a great idea! What if we ALL go to the Movie this Friday? Huh? Margaret: Since when you're so entusiastic about something? April: Why, I'm ALWAYS damn enthusiastic about everything, dammit. April: And besides, I need an excuse to talk to Diana and find out something without looking suspicious... please? Margaret: Mmh. Okay, but promise me you won't get into a catfight. I hate the way guys howl when that happens. April: HEEEEEEEY! I've got a great idea! What if we ALL go to the Movie this Friday? Sounds like a ton of fun or what? Mike: What. Marsha: Sure, count us in! Mike: Yeah, exactly what she said. DATE 20001110 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave April Chester STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT April: So, we're going to the Movie this Friday... What do you say? Dave: Movie??? April, you know what this is? This is a test. I slept through it. It's an abomination! Dave: And so, I'm gonna spend the rest of the week staring at it, and shaking my head, and wondering... "why me?", "how could this happen?" April: Oh well. That's too bad. Margaret's gonna be there, you know. Dave: "Because I'm stupid and I put too much pressure on myself". There! Count me in! DATE 20001111 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike Marsha Margaret Diana April STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Marsha: I think they look cute together... don't you, Mike? Mike: Yeah, everytime I look at them, I remember I'm in pain. Margaret: Van-Damme-movie! Van-Damme-movie! Dave: Margaret, me-and-the-darkness! Margaret, me-and-the-darkness! April: Mmmh. Van Damme movie good. No need to pay attention to it... except when he fights in his underwear. Diana: Leo-DiCaprio movie! Leo-DiCaprio movie! Roger: Ooh! Two nonsense points! You're damn good! DATE 20001112 SETTING Movie CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike Marsha Margaret Diana April STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: She sat next to me! This means something! Margaret: Thank God I'm not sitting next to April... She always speaks during Movie... at least Marsha keeps her mouth busy. April: (So Diana, I heard you go to college too... What else do you do?) Diana: (Oh, I'm a street prostitute by night!) April: (HOLY HELL! I mean, erm, cool!) Roger: All right! This one looks like Bullwinkle! DATE 20001113 SETTING Movie CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret April Marsha Mike Diana STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Margaret: Van-DAMMIT! I can't belive Van Damme just parachuted directly into the blades of that chopper! Dave: Yeah, that was too bad... Dave: Thank God for His small favors... Mike: Heh-heheheee!! There he goes! Marsha: Mike, he was one of the good guys! Mike: He WAS??? BWAAAAH-HAHAHAH!!! April: (So, Roger, I heard Diana goes to college, too... What else does she do?) Roger: (She works at an optical store! By the way, weren't you sitting next to her?) April: (Yeah, but the hair of the guy sitting in front of me was obstructing my vision...) Roger: (But he's bald, April!) April: (Um, I said "the hair". He has only one hair, but it's very think...) DATE 20001114 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Marsha Margaret Steve Waldo Santa STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT April: I'm just worried about Roger and Diana! It's just... just... wrong! Margaret: THEN why don't you go do something about it? April: Oh! OF COURSE! There IS something I should do! Margaret: April, I didn't mean go and catch up on your web-comics! April: But Sluggy is so good for suggestions for dealing with unsuitable women! Santa: You two have been very naughty you get coal. Waldo: So I was off a little. Sue me why don't you. DATE 20001115 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Microdragon Margaret Roger Dave STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Door: KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK April: Okay, okay! I'm coming alread, darn it! Where's the fire? Door: *SMASH* April: EEP! Margaret: April, who was that at the door just now? April: Gah buh guh dah na na. Margaret: What was that about a missing pet? Roger: You know I once proposed a show to all the major networks called "Fun with Phlegm" I never heard from any of them. Roger: I wonder why sometimes. Dave: I wonder why sometimes too but for entirely different reasons. DATE 20001116 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret Marsha Chester STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT April: MARGARET, SOMEONE FROM BUILDING MANAGEMENT IS AT THE DOOR... Margaret: I HAVE TO STUDY. TELL HIM TO GO AWAY. April: HE WON'T GO AWAY. HE SAYS HE ONLY WANTS TO ANSWER A COUPLE QUESTIONS. Margaret: ALL RIGHT... THAT DOES IT... Marsha: WHAT'S ALL THIS NOISE? April: SOME GUY INTERRUPTED MARGARET'S STUDYING. Margaret: READ MY SHIRT, PUNK. Guy: DON'T HURT... AAAAGH... ME April: Y'KNOW, IT PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER JUST TO ANSWER HIM... Margaret: IT'S THE PRINCIPAL OF THE THING, APRIL. Guy: ACK... MY SPLEEN... April: You're so cute Chester I wonder what you're thinking Chester: Where's my food? Do you have my food? If you have my food how come you're not getting my food right now? If you don't have my food who do I go to to get my food? DATE 20001117 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret Chester Dave Roger STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Margaret: Read my shirt! April: SEE CHESTER!!! Chester: Meow! Margaret: The horror, the funky HORROR!!! April: ? Chester: ? April: What does THAT mean? Margaret: I don't know. But the three !!!'s stand for QUALITY! Chester: MEOW! Dave: Hey you there, you eat paste, right? Roger: No I do not eat paste. Roger: Eating paste really. How weird do they think I am? DATE 20001118 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Marsha April Mike Margaret STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Marsha: I hate our new physics teacher... April: Really? Why? Marsha: Hrmph... April: I like her better than the old one... Remember that old hag? She's nicer... And prettier... April: ? Marsha: Exactly!!! Book: Come back soon Maritza! Margaret: I really wish you two would stop wearing my clothes. T-shirt: YOU! T-shirt: DIE! T-shirt: NOW! DATE 20001119 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Marsha Margaret Fluffy Mike Prisca Calliope Dave Roger STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Caption: The FIRST and hopefully not LAST CRFH-POCKET Crossover! Prisca: Are you sure we'll find it here? Calliope: No sweat! This is a college campus! There's ALWAYS one... Calliope: Excuse me, do you know where we can find a batch of military grade uranium? Guy: Um... I'm pretty sure Margaret the gun nut's got some. You'll want to speak with her. Guy: You'll want some body armor, too. Margaret: April, is the coffee done yet? Margaret: Yawn... April: Almost. Just a minute. Door: knock knock Margaret: Marsha, get the door. (pff, it's too early in the morning for this. And I haven't even had my coffee yet. Marsha: Um... hello? Who are you? Calliope: Hi. I'm looking for Margaret. I need some high grade uranium. Prisca: COFFEE!!! Calliope: Prisca! Marsha: AIEEEEEEE! April: She just... just... uh oh... Margaret: GRRRRR... Prisca: Ahhhh! Nothing like fresh coffee in the morning... ...What's with you? Arrow: empty... OH DEAR... Margaret: What the heck d'you think you're doing, barging in and drinking other people's coffee?! Prisca: I've been trapped in an alternate dimension for the past month! Margaret, Prisca: GRRRRRRRR... April: Wrath of ye gods... Calliope: *sigh* This is only to be expected... Dave: WHAT THE HECK?! Roger: Hey! I smell coffee! One lump of sugar, a bit of cream... oh.. good thing Mike isn't here... Dave: Stop it right now, you jerk... Calliope: Wait! We've gotta break it up! Don't hurt them! Dave: B...b...blue...hair... Prisca: Jerk! Margaret: Coffee fiend! Calliope: (Out of the frying pan, into the fire...) Roger: The military grade uranium is on the bookshelf, right behind the homemade bomb manuals. Roger: And don't ask me how I know that. Mike: Damnit to Hell Roger: Fetch Fluffy! Roger: Sorry Mike I was teaching Fluffy how to fetch. Roger: Uh Mike? Mike: Roger..... Mike: Fetch! DATE 20001120 SETTING Movie CHARACTERS April Roger Diana STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Diana: Oops! Looks like we're out of popcorn! Roger: We're out of money, too... but don't worry, I have an idea. Roger: WOW! This movie sucks! It's the fifth time I've seen it and I bet everybody will still DIE at the end! Person: Boo! Person: Boo! Person: Shut up! Person: You suck! Diana: OoooooOOOH! Clever guys like you are SO sexy! Roger: It works in restaurants, too! DATE 20001121 SETTING Movie CHARACTERS Dave Marsha Margaret STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Margaret: ZzzzZzzzz Margaret: ZzzzZzzzz Marsha: poke Marsha: (You're welcome). Margaret: ZzzzZzzzz DATE 20001122 SETTING Movie CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: *sigh* I know this doesn't meana thing, but it's sweet nonetheless... I wish this movie would never end... Margaret: ZzzzzZzz Margaret: Zzzzz... ooooh Jean Claude, flex those muscles babymmmzzzz Dave: Margaret, wake up. We have to go in just 20 minutes. Margaret: Zzzssshh... pornodream in progresszzzz..... DATE 20001123 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS April Marsha STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Marsha: April... you've been on this for days! Why is this moral dilemma such a big deal? April: Because I can seriously hurt a friend, one way or the other. Marsha: Well, you know... maybe this is too big for you. Maybe you shouldn't handle it alone. You should find someone you trust, and ask for a second opinion... April: You know what? You're right! I think that's exactly what I'm gonna do. April: Yeah, that's it! I'm gonna ask Dave. See ya later. Marsha: MustresisturgetoKILLsecretwoulddiewithherIcangettheinfofromDavemoreeasilyanywayAACK! DATE 20001124 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS April Dave STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT April: Hey, I see you're out of the cast! How does it feel? Dave: A little weird, but fine I guess... What was that you wanted to talk about? April: I need your opinion on something. Here's a hypothetical question... What would you do if you found out the girl you love is, in fact, a prostitute? Dave: Margaret's a PROSTITUTE? I'm gonna KILL MYSELF! April: Dave, Margaret's NOT a prostitute! It's a hypothetical question! Dave: Aaaah, okay. Well, I suppose I'd try to be rational and talk to her about it, and... April: Suuure. You know? I think you've been helpful enough already, thanks! DATE 20001125 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS April Dave STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT April: Okay, forget that hypothetical question! Here's another one: what would you do if you discovered the girl of a friend is a prostitute? Would you tell him or not? Dave: Whoa, for a hypothetical question, you sure get upset about it... April: Of course I get upset about it, you idiot! Don't you see I discovered Diana is a prostitute and I don't know if I should tell Roger about it, and if I tell him I don't know if he's gonna hate me forever, and if I don't it feels like I'm BETRAYING him??? April: So, what do you think I should do? What would YOU do? Huh? Dave: I'd... back down slowly... make up an excuse and run away from you... uh, gotta go to class... DATE 20001126 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave Marsha Chester Roger STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Marsha: April's got a secret and I GOT to know it! She told me Dave knows the secret as well... go get it! Fly fly fly! Mike: Yes, oh curvy Cap'n!!! Roger: Uh oh. I feel a disturbance in the space-time continuum. That means Mike's smiling... Dave: Please tell me you're kidding. Roger: I'm not. And it's increasing, that means Mike's after one of us. But whom? Mike: Hey Dave, my favorite roommate! How are you, buddy? Roger: I guess it sucks to be you. Dave: Here. Take care of Chester while I'm dead. Roger: Is it fixed? I don't know if I have the money for the vet... DATE 20001127 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: Stay away from me, Mike! Or I'm gonna make you read Margaret's shirt! Mike: Which one? The "DIE!" one, or the wet, tight "YUMMY" one? Dave: The... eh... Dave: W-wet? Tight? Margaret... uh... Mike: VERY wet and VERY tight, yeah. Dave: VERY... uuuh... Dave: Very... and YUMMY... (???!!!) HEY! What the...? Mike: Ten minute brain warp! I'm sure we broke a record somewhere... DATE 20001128 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: Oh, very smart. Bad news, I'm gonna use my laser vision to cut this chain... Mike: REALLY. What if you laser vision, instead of cutting it, just MELTS it? Boy, that's gonna hurt... Dave: Erm... Dave: Dammit! Let's see if YOU melt! Dave: Stand still, you...!!! Mike: We can play "Dodge the laser" all day if you want, too. Dave: GRRRR... okay, you and my sore neck win this one. DATE 20001129 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Dave STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: Just what the hell do you want, Mike? And was all this really necessary? Mike: The chain? Well, I supposed I could have easily wrestled you down, but Marsha specified she didn't want any violence... pity... Dave: Marsha? What does she have to do with this? Mike: She says April told you a secret, and she wants to know it as well. Dave: I can't tell you that. She made me promise... Mike: I expected that. So what's it gonna be? The "Titanic" theme song? Nah, I already used that one... hey, I know! Whitney Houston! "The Bodyguard" theme song... Dave: WHAT??? Man, you CAN'T be serious!!! Mike: And AAAAAEEEEAAAAAAAI WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOOOOOOUOUUU... Roger: Yip! Yip! AROOOOOO! Dave: Oh God kill me please kill me... DATE 20001130 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Dave STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Roger: Mike! Stop! Chester just FAINTED! What is this, some kind of torture? Mike: Actrually it is! I'm just trying to get some info from Dave... Roger: Couldn't you just blackmail him like a normal person? Dave: Nngghn... Mike: You know? I think you're right! His brain must be pretty much fried by now... I just thought of something that'll make it a whole lot easier... Here, release him. Roger: What was that info he was trying to get from you, anyway? Dave: Dave, I don't remember anymore... Roger: Dave, I'm not Daev. YOU are Dave. Dave: Sure, Dave, whatever that means... DATE 20001202 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave Chester STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: No, he never gives up that easily. Yeah, I know he's up to something... but no more jedi mind tricks! If he even gets close to me I'm zapping him. Period. Chester: Meow. Chester: MROWWW!!! Dave: OW! You again??? What the hell was that?? Mike: Deadly poison! Tell me the secret or you die in fifteen minutes! DATE 20001203 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: You bastard! How could you? This is the last thing I'm taking from you... good bye! Mike: Sure, blast away. After all, I'm the only one who can give you the antidote. Dave: I don't care! I'm taking you with me! And... Dave: ...and... Mike: And? Mike: You know? Getting so angry can't be good for your health. Specially when it makes the poison spread through your bloodstream faster. Ten minutes. Dave: BONK! DATE 20001204 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave Marsha STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: Hi Marsha... Mike poisoned me and I can't move... Marsha: Mike! I sent you to ask him nicely, not to MURDER him! Mike: Aw, I didn't poison him! I just injected him with truth serum, that's all! Marsha: Oh, so you drugged him instead of poisoning him. How nice! Eh? Mike: Well, did you want the truth or not? Marsha: I'm sorry, Dave. I had no idea Mike was going to do something like this... but since the damage is done, I have to ask... what is that April told you? Dave: She told me... that Diana is a prostitute... and Roger doesn't know... Marsha: WHAT? Oh geez! Mike: Wow. So that's why she ran from me... Marsha: She ran away from you? When? Dave: Some time ago, when Diana was hitting on Mike... Marsha: Hitting... on... Mike??? Hitting... on... Mike? Dave: ...we thought she was - OOMPH! Mike: Eheh-heh-heh... look, he's already babbling nonsense! Marsha: MGGRRR.... DATE 20001205 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Chester STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: Just great... I'm starting to hallucinate with little aliens now... Chester: Meow? Dave: Chester, I can't feed you now... don't you see I'm down? Go look for something to pick me up... Dave: Ugh... what did I just say? I feel so incoherent... I hope the effect of the drug goes away soon, before I get into any more trouble... Margaret: Hey Dave, looks like your cat is hungry... mh, what are you doing down there? Dave: Hi... beautiful! I love you... gimme a kiss... DATE 20001206 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Margaret: Are you stoned or something, Dave? Dave: Way too stoned... Mike injected me with... truth serum... Margaret: Really, Dave. If I was you, I'd have either kicked his ass good or moved out a long time ago. Dave: Can't move out... gotta stay close to you... Margaret: Why? Dave: Because I love you... Margaret: And WHY do you love me, Dave? Since you're telling the truth, I'd really like to know. Dave: I dunno... I guess you have me... trapped somehow... I don't know why. I mean you're so violent, rude, scary... Margaret: Rude. Scary. Dave: Yeah. And psycho. And neurotic. And... Dave: And how could I forget about... the kicking and punching thing... DATE 20001207 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Chester STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: Take a really hot shower to brush off any remaining effects of drug: check. Dave: Feed my poor starving cat: check. Dave: Finally snap and kill mike for ruining my life yet again... Knuckles: *crack* DATE 20001208 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: YOU! The dead man walking! Freeze! Dave: I'm gonna kill you now, Mike, and I want you to know why... you can punch me, you can kick me, you can beat me into the ground, but if you make Margaret mad at me, you're DEAAAADDD. Dave: And you're so freakin' abnormal you're not even worried about your own death... Mike: Sorry, I can't hear a word you're saying. Marsha slapped me so hard my ears are still ringing. DATE 20001209 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Mike: Great. First Marsha slaps me and dumps me and then you want to kill me... Dave: Well, Margaret punched ME hard in the stomach, so pity is not gonna save you. Mike: Pity? I meant exactly what I said... "Great". Mike: See, the situation just can't be more PERFECT. We're bummed, we're angry, we have nothing to lose. If you win, you put me out of my sorry state, and so I win. A fight to the Death is the best thing that can happen to me now. Mike: My brother in misery, I thank you. Let the fight begin. See you on the other side... DATE 20001210 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: All right, Michael... how'd you like your nose? Medium or rare? Mike: Whatever rocks your yacht, David! Just remember to strike me hard the first time, as I don't think you're gonna get a second chance... Roger: Hold it, HOLD IT! What do you guys think you're doing? Remember the Rule? No superpowers in fights between us! Dave: Ba-psssch! I'm about to kill the most evil person on Earth! I don't have to follow any rules! Roger: No! Too many bones broken, too many innocent bystanders! No superpowers! Mike: Unfair! Unfair! Without his laser vision he's already DEAD! Dave: WHAT???? Listen, tentacle freak! I'm not afraid of you, and I don't need my laser vision to make you BITE THE DUST! Mike: And I can use your head as a mop with one arm tied behind my back! In fact, as I can't use my tentacle, that's exactly what I'm gonna do! Roger: Enough words! I want to see a good bloody fight.. let's get it on! Dave: Yeah, let's! Roger: Heeheeheee... "Let's get it on" I've always wanted to say that without actually getting it on... Sounds: CRASH! OOF! YOW! DATE 20001211 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS April Diana STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT April: Soooo, Diana. How's it going? The thing with Roger... Diana: What do you mean? April: You know. Is he a good boyfriend? You know, like... Diana: AAAAAH! Oh yeah, I follow you now! Well, I can't complain, really... he's a sex machine! *giggle* April: Yeeek! No, that's not what I was asking... Diana: Aw, c'mon. It's not like I'm giving you any details! DATE 20001212 SETTING Hall CHARACTERS April Diana Marsha STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Diana: I didn't really want to start another relationshiop after all my bad experiences, but Roger is just the sweetest, most lovable guy I've ever met! Diana: And even his friends are cool, non-prejudiced, fun people! April: Mmh, well, we're pretty level-headed considering... Marsha: You... must... die... NOW... you red-headed, no-good WHORE... DATE 20001213 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Diana Marsha April STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Diana: I'm sorry, Marsha... I didn't know he was your boyfriend... Marsha: Like you would have CARED, you WHORE! After all, you sell your body on the streets! Let me at her, April! April: Marsha! What the hell's the matter with you? Are you out of your mind??? Marsha: Sure, run! And don't show your sinful ass around here EVER again! Roger deserves something better than a hooker! April: Marsha, I can't believe it. You... you just ruined EVERYTHING! Marsha: Shut up, Miss GoodyTwoShoes! You and your little secrets... if I knew Diana was a whore I'd have never let her go near Mike! April: You know, Marsha? Kicking your butt hard and high sounds a little more tempting every second... DATE 20001214 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Dave Mike STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Sounds: HISS! MROOW! Margaret: Hey, do you guys know why... um... Dave: Margaret! Stay back, you might get hurt... OWW! Marsha: Don't mind him! Grab a chair, make some popcorn... UGH! Mike: And they say I'm the psychotic, violent one... DATE 20001215 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Chester Roger Diana STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Chester: MRROW!!! Roger: What are you doing out there, Chester? Roger: Oh, I get it.I bet Dave put you out so you don't interfere with his death match. Roger: Well, I can let you in, but I'm afraid you can't... Roger: ??? Chester: MRROW!!! Roger: DIANA!!! Wait! Where are you going? Car: SCREEECH DATE 20001216 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April Marsha Mike STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Mike: Honey, calm down... It's NOT your fault... Marsha: It IS, too! *sob, sniff* April: It's MY fault... I should have stopped her instead of fighting... Dave: And Roger was being referee for the fight I started, instead of waiting for her outside... Margaret: And I saw her running but I thought it was none of my business. Mike: Uh oh. Here comes Roger... and from the look on his face, I don't think he has very good news. DATE 20001217 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Mike Marsha April Roger STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT April: Roger! Is... is Diana okay? Roger: *sniff* No, she's not, April. I mean, yeah, she was lucky she didn't die there. But she just woke up, and she didn't recognize me. She kinda... saw through me. Like I wasn't even there. Roger: You know, I always suspected that Diana was too good for me. I guess the guys up there made a terrible mistake by allowing me to be that happy, and decided to fix things up. Marsha: *sob* DATE 20001218 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Roger April Mike Marsha STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT April: Are you sure you don't want us to stay? Roger: Naah. Thanks, but you guys are battered enough, too. Go home and get some rest. Margaret: I'm not battered! I'll stay. Dave: Mh, well, give us a phone call if you know something, OK? Marsha: I want to stay, too... Mike: NO way. You look like you're gonna faint or something. Marsha: We should have told him. He has the right to know this is all my fault. April: Oh yeah, I'm sure that what he needs now is to know you called his girl a whore. That'd cheer him up, right? Dave: By the way, don't we have enought "frequent bandage points" aleady to get a free brain surgery in this hospital? DATE 20001219 SETTING Hospital CHARACTERS Roger Margaret Diana STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Margaret: This might not be the best moment, Roger... but if I asked you something, would you really tell me the truth? Roger: Depends on the question. Margaret: Let's suppose the questoin is... "Would you say I'm a scary, psychotic girl?" Roger: Mh. Well, if you promised me you wouldn't kill me, beat me up, or hang me by any part of my body, I'd tell you the truth. Margaret: Oh, I see you're a master in the art of answering without answering. Roger: Ee-yep. Being Mike's roommate can be really educational. DATE 20001220 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: Poor Roger. If something like that happened to Margaret, I'm sure I'd go crazy or something... Mike: Excuse me. You're already crazy. You were trying to kill me yesterday. Mike: A very pathetic attempt to kill me, granted, but... Dave: What the hell do you mean??? I kicked your ass! Mike: Heh. Have you looked yourself in the mirror? Dave: What about you? Ah, it's hard to see with a black eye, right? Mike: Anyway, I have to admit you put up a good fight. I respect that. Dave: Oh. Mh, I guess I respect the respect, then. Dave: Oh well. But Margaret still hates me and it's your fault, so I still hate you. Mike: Guess what. I don't give a damn. Roger: Well, well. If it isn't the friendliest duo on Earth. DATE 20010101 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: Hey Roger, is Diana okay now? Roger: Do you see me bungee-jumping naked from the Eiffel Tower? No. They told me to go home while they try to figure out what's wrong. Mike: Man, you look like a carcass rotting in the sun. Here, sit down. Roger: So I came home to take a shower, then I'm off to class, then I'm off to the hospital again. Dave: You're bonkers! How long do you expect to go without any sleep at all? Roger: Sleep? Who cares about sleeping? Dave: Remember what happened last time I tried to do that? Dave: You warned me I wasn't gonna last too long, and you were rigth, and... oh hell, forget it. Mike: Keep it going. Boring guy talking boring stuff, Roger sleeping... it's almost like class. DATE 20010102 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Marsha Margaret STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT April: Marsha, ain't you gonna get dressed to go to class? Marsha: No. I'm not leaving this couch. I'm too dangerous. I might kill another person today if I do. April: It was not your fault, Marsha. Marsha: I killed her. You said it. April: She's not dead, and forget what I said. It was an accident. Marsha: Yeah, lots of accidents. Mike is stabbed, Diana is hit by a car... Marsha: My cheating ex-boyfriend falls into a tiger pit... Marsha: And the slut he was kissing gets her face tangled in the coffee machine... and her plastic surgeon... and... April: Ever noticed how people tend to go absent under a sudden terror? Margaret: Greetings, female members of the human species. I've come in peace. Now take me to your coffee. DATE 20010103 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Roger: Z Roger: AAAAIEEEE! What time is it??? Dave: Unless Mike's been smiling again, it's 6:22 p.m. Roger: WHAT??? Why did you guys let me sleep so much? Dave: But we DID try to wake you up! We pinched you, we put a wild boar down your pants, we fired a gun, we put a dirty sock under your nose... Mike: Which was, now that I think about it, a very bad tactical mistake. Roger: AAAIEE! DATE 20010104 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Chester STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Roger: She's gone. Dave: Gone??? You mean she's...? Roger: Nono, I mean, she went home. They said she insisted she was okay, and left. I swear, I don't get it. Dave: Yeah, um, that's weird... why don't you call her? Roger: I don't have her phone number. I don't know where she lives, either. Roger: There's something odd about all this. Why did she cross the street that way? Why was she crying? Why did she leave like that? I don't understand. Mike: So, who's gonna tell him? You or me? We can't keep him in the dark forever... Dave: We're staying outta this! I'm not gonna tell him, and you with the subtlety of Godzilla, certainly not! Roger: Look, guys, I'm not in the mood for nonsense contests right now... DATE 20010105 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Chester STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Mike: Look, if I was him, I'd be grateful if people told me the truth instead of treating me like a kid who can't handle it. Roger: Tell me what? Dave: For God's sake Mike, DON'T! You don't have any tact at all! You're gonna blow it! Mike: Sez who? I'm gonna show you, I can be tactful if I want to. Roger: Tell me WHAT? WHAT? Mike: Um, Roger my man, I hate to tell you this... but, your girl's a ho. Roger: Oh yeah? Well I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that, to avoid a bloodbath of epic, maybe even Biblical proportions. Dave: I KNEW IT! DATE 20010106 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger April Marsha STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Roger: Mike, take back that thing you said about Diana, or I swear... Mike: Look, Roger. I've had enough fights to the death this week. We can fight next saturday. And your girl will still be a ho. Roger: You want to see me snap, don't you? Dave: I'm outta here! Mike: For the first time, no. And it's April who says it's true. April: I say what? Roger: YOU??? I can believe anything from these dorks, but you? April: What? What? Roger: Don't play innocent! What have you been saying about Diana? April: Oh, my... uh... Marsha: WAAAAAAAAAAH! I'm sorry! It was me! I called her a whore and then a car hit her! I'm a murderer! I'm so SORRY!!! April: I was gonna tell you. Eventually. Someday... Roger: All right, just WHAT THE HELL'S BEEN GOING ON HERE??? DATE 20010107 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Marsha April STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Roger: You called her a whore??? And exactly WHY did you do that, Marsha? Marsha: I'm so sorry! It's just that Dave told me she was a hooker and that she was hitting on Mike, and I went postal! April: GNAAARF!!! Roger: Dave??? What in the world did I do to you to deserve such backstabbing? Dave: Hey, don't look at me. I DID say those things but Mike forced me to do it! Roger: YOU! What a surprise! Why...? Mike: Sure, blame me for the Dodo extinction while you're at it! I just wanted some info and it turned out that April says Diana is a hooker! Roger: That brings us with you again! Why were you badmouthing Diana? April: I wasn't badmouthing her! Fact is, she really IS a hooker! Roger: My God, where the hell do you people get those ideas??? April: Roger, Diana admitted it to me! Roger: And the final piece of Tetris clicks in, bringing the whole wall down... April: Nifty gaming metaphor. You can start hatingme forever now. DATE 20010108 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Mike Marsha April STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Roger: Oh, how NICE ofyou guys. Not only am I a total idiot, I also don't get any help from my so-called friends. All you ever did was talk behind our backs! April: What? Roger, we never inteded to hurt you! We... Roger: Well, guess what! The road to the mall is paved with good intentions! April: ... Roger: YOU ALL SUCK! BYE! Dave: I TOLD you he wasn't going to take it well. Way to go, Mike. Mike: REALLY? Oh my God, and I thought he'd jump up in the air and click his heels together! Marsha: *sob* April: He's right. We suck. Big time. Door: SLAM!!! DATE 20010109 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Marsha Margaret STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT April: That was AWFUL. My God, I don't know what else can happen. Marsha: Yeah, it seems like everything turned out as bad as possible. Margaret: Bad? Wait a sec, Roger didn't do anything, did he? He came a while ago to borrow a gun. April: You... you gave Roger... a gun... Margaret: Well, yeah, I gave him a couple of sniper rifles. Marsha: THUD! April: ...life passing before my eyes... Margaret: But I took 'em back when he asked for the location of the nearest tower. DATE 20010110 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: Oh, you're back. Still mad at us? Roger: Actually, now. I've been thinking about it, and it's not you guys' fault if I'm so freaking stupid. Dave: Thinking. Not a wise thing to do when you're bummed. Dave: Look at me. I keep busy. That's the only way to fight depression. The more you do the less you think about the pain. Roger: Maybe you're right. Yep, I think I'm gonna do that. Dave: "Keep yourself busy" can hardly be interpreted as "stare at the wall till she calls you", Roger. Roger: Ssshh... don't break my concentration. DATE 20010111 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: It's been four days, Roger. Face it, she's not gonna call you. Roger: Me and my wall would like to be alone, if you don't mind. Dave: I don't understand what's the purpose of staring at a wall. Roger: I will get nothing if I'm not patient. Fluffy told me that once. Dave: Maybe that's why rocks odn't have a life? Roger: Unlike YOU? Dave: Below the belt again, Roger. Roger: Touché. Tell the real world I say "Bite me". Dave: He's losing it! How can a person stare at a wall for four days? Mike: It's hard at the beginning, but after the second day you start seeing things. Then it's like TV, only less crappy. Dave: And how do you know? Mike: Ask my mom. Then run for your life. DATE 20010112 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Mike STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Marsha: Poor Roger. I couldn't imagine he cared about Diana so much. He's been staring at that wall for what, five days now? Mike: He'll be fine. Eventually. He's gone through worse things, I think. Marsha: I wish there was something we could do for him... Mike: Well, I can always take him onto another Misery Journey... heheheh, running pantless down a street while being chased by someone's husband with a shotgun sure takes your mind off things! Mike: Or so I've heard... DATE 20010113 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Margaret: Is Roger STILL staring at the wall? Dave: Seems like it. I think it's gonna take him some time... Margaret: Yeah, I think so, too. Say, I was thinking... can we talk for a minute? Dave: Sure we can. As long as you promise me you won't hit me... Margaret: Hit you? C'mon. Okay, I promise... Dave: Are you hiding your hands behind your back because you're crossing your fingers, or are you just trying to hide the blunt object you're gonna hit me with? Margaret: What blunt object? Oh. You mean my recoilless hammer. I didn't bring it along to hit you with, I just like to, um, carry it around. Dave: And carrying a hard hat around is starting to sound like a good idea. DATE 20010114 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Margaret: You see, about what happened the other day... Dave: I'm sorry for all those things I said. I was drugged and babbling... Margaret: Dave, it's ME who is apologizing. Dave: You don't need to do that. I'm not angry at you. Margaret: You think I don't need to, but in fact I DO. Now shut up and let me finish. Margaret: I can't believe I did something like that... I mean, punching you for telling me the truth, when I asked in the first place, and you couldn't even move... of all the low things... Dave: Margaret, forget it. I already left that behind me. Do the same. Margaret: You know, sometimes you're TOO good for your own good. You... Margaret: Oh, I see I am THAT scary... Dave: Nonono, it's not that. Margaret: Uh-huh. Dave: Believe me. It's just that... you, um, TRIGGER some... wild reactions in me. I can't help it. Sorry. Margaret: I don't believe you. Meep! Margaret: HAH! Neat! Your hair really stood on end this time! Dave: If you're not gonna take a bath, don't heat up the water, Margaret. DATE 20010115 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Chester Roger Mike STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Roger: AAARRGH!! Roger: Uuh. Sorry about that. You guys keep on sleeping... Dave: *groan* Mike: SHADDUP! DATE 20010116 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Roger "Nick Yu" STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Mugger: Gimme your wallet, punk. Nick: No WAY! That's my anime DVD, I mean, food money! Mugger: My heart bleeds. Now get down with the cash or I'll pin you to the wall... Roger: You wouldn't happen to be doing something illegal, would you? Mugger: *ACCK* *Gurgle* Who are YOU??? Roger: I'm Batman! I fight crime on the streets by night, and... oh, now wait. That's not me. I'm just looking for my girlfriend. Mugger: Well, don't look at me! I'm not into furries! Nick: And I know I have a rep of being a plusie perv, but it's ALL rumors! DATE 20010117 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Roger Paul STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Roger: sniff Roger: Diana??? Roger: Damn, it's the transvestite stalker!!! Paul: Oh, I see you are into costumes, too! DATE 20010118 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Roger Paul STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Paul: Hey, big hairy guy, what's the hurry? Come on, I have an electric shaver we can have lots of fun with! Roger: Yeah right! Roger: Ugh! I never thought someone with high heels could run THAT fast! Roger: This was a lousy idea anyway... how many people in this city use her perfume? I'm such an idiot. Roger: Might as well go home, then. There's nothing out here for me... not even a moon to howl at. DATE 20010119 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Chester STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Phone: RIIIIIIIIING Dave: Mmmgh. Mike: Phone's ringing, Dave. Dave: So? Mike: Pick it up. Dave: Why me? Mike: Fine, don't do it. Maybe it's Margaret, anyway. Phone: RIIIIIIIING Dave: Why would Margaret call me, Mike? Mike: Maybe she's cold and wants you to warm her bed. Dave: Uh-huh. Mike: Like I said, let it ring. Even if there's a slight chance it's the call you've been waiting for all your life. Phone: RIIIIIIIING Dave: CURRRSSSSE YYYOU Michael Redford Green... DATE 20010120 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Dave: Hello? Dave: Margaret?? Oh, no, I was awake anyway! How are you? Dave: Whoa. I see. Okay, don't worry, I'll take care of it. Yeah. Bye. Dave: Marsha called and said Roger is sleeping naked outside our door, and she said you outta do something about it. Mike: Mmghh. You liar. I know you're lying... Dave: Maybe, maybe not. Are you willing to take that risk? Mike: Grrr... damn you. No. DATE 20010121 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Mike: Hey you, cover yourself. You're scarring people for life! Mike: What were you doing naked out there? Roger: Well, if I'm naked, I have no pockets to put my keys in, right? Mike: Okay, what were you doing out there, naked? Roger: I turned into a werecoyote to look for Diana. Didn't work. Mike: Damn. Okay, that's it. Get dressed, I just had an idea that might work. Roger: You're gonna help me??? In exchange for what? My soul? Mike: In exchange for never having to see you naked again, ever. DATE 20010122 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Mike Roger STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Mike: Here it is. This is where I was standing when Diana fell into my arms. So it's pretty safe to assume she lives up there. Roger: And if she doesn't, at least someone should know her... Mike: Exactly. Well, I'm off. Good luck on your Holy Quest. Roger: Thanks, Mike. I guess you're not so bad after all. Mike: Don't thank me yet. I'm probably only giving you the shovel to dig your own grave... see ya later. Roger: Yeah, maybe... but I'd rather dig my own grave than rot in the sun. Here we go... DATE 20010123 SETTING Diana's Apartment CHARACTERS Diana Roger STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Roger: Hey. Diana: YEAAAARGH! Roger: Wait! Don't... WOAAAUGH! Diana: Oh my. It was the hand with the eye, right? Roger: YEAAAARGH-ES! DATE 20010124 SETTING Diana's Apartment CHARACTERS Diana Roger STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Diana: I'm sorry! Does it hurt a lot? Roger: Of course it hurts! And I'm not talking about my hand! Why did you disappear like that? Why didn't you call me? Diana: I just thought you'd be better off without me. I don't want you to lose your friends... Roger: Look, Marsha feels very bad about insulting you... Diana: No, she's right. You deserve something better than a hooker. Roger: And you deserve something better than a nerd. But hey, since we're so extremely unlucky, let's stay together! Diana: Do you man it? Roger: I mean it. Screw my friends! Diana: Mh, okay! Roger: I don't mean you. It's just a figure of speech... Diana: Oh. There goes $400. DATE 20010125 SETTING Diana's Apartment CHARACTERS Diana Roger Paul STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT Roger: Diana, I don't want you to get mad at me for asking... but why are you a hooker? I mean, it's a dangerous job... Diana: Well, if your dad was sick and needed a very expensive operation, wouldn't you do it, too? Diana: If I don't get the money for it soon, he will die. Do you understand? Roger: Damn. That's bad. I... Diana: But don't worry. We're working very hard and we'll have enough in a few months. Roger: "We"? Diana: Yeah, my brother and I... hey Paul, this is Roger, my boyfriend! Paul: He looks familiar... oh, I know. It's just that he looks like Leonardo DiCaprio! Diana: I told you... DATE 20010126 SETTING Street CHARACTERS April Margaret Marsha Roger Paul STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT April: I'm glad Roger and Diana are together again. But I can't help feeling a little like a loser. Now everybody has someone except me. Marsha: Aw, you'll find Mr. Right, you'll see... Margaret: "Everybody"? I don't have a boyfriend, and that doesn't make me a loser. April: All right, Dave's not your boyfriend. So what? He's still after you... Roger: Hi girls! This is Diana's brother, Paul. Paul, these are my neighbors: Marsha, April and Margaret. Paul: Hello there. Marsha: Hi, Paul! April: MROOOW! I mean, hi, cutey. Margaret: Hey Paul. God bless you for giving me material for my sweet, sweet revenge. DATE 20010127 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Paul April STORYLINE 5-2=0 TEXT April: Sooo, Paul... busy this weekend? Paul: Busy? Yeah. Willing to pretend I'm not? Yeah. April: Great! In that case, would you like to go out or something? Paul: Actually, I'd rather stay IN, and listen to music, talk, get to know you better... you're really hot, you know... April: Really? Eeeheeheeeehehehehe! I mean, that sounds nice... Paul: Cool! Then you're gonna share all your makeup secrets with me? I'll bering the cucumber peel-off mask! April: Uuuuh... Silly me. I forgot I have to shave my legs... Paul: Hah! Me too. Don't worry, I have an electric shaver we can have lots of fun with! DATE 20010128 SETTING Store CHARACTERS Mike Dave STORYLINE Dave's Revenge TEXT Cashier: That's $22.95. Do you want anything else? Dave: Yes, can I have a $1 scratch ticket? Mike: Why do you bother, Daev? You never win. Only losers buy those things. Dave: One dollar won't break me. Besides, I won't even win if I don't try. Mike: Ehehehe. Relax. I'm just yanking your chain. Go waste your money, I'll see at the apartment. Dave: Oh my God! I WON! With this I can take Margaret out someplace nice! And I can buy that computer from the guy upstairs... Dave: Damn. When Mike finds out, he'll start pestering me and leeching off me until I don't have anything left. Dave: How can I keep him away from me until after the date... Dave: I'd like to cash this in please. Cashier: Wow. Damn. I wish I was that lucky. Do you want anything else? Dave: Yes, I'd like to buy some flowers... DATE 20010129 SETTING Hall CHARACTERS Dave April STORYLINE Dave's Revenge TEXT Dave: knock knock April: Oh, hi Dave! Margaret's not home right now. I'll make sure she gets these though. They're pretty. Dave: Um, they're not from me. They're from Mike to Marsha. April: Aw, well I could give them to Margaret instead and tell her they're from you... Dave: Mike would kill me! I'll get her something myself. April: Thanks for dropping them off, I'll be sure Marsha gets them. You sure I shouldn't give them to Margaret instead? Dave: No! Besides, when Marsha's nice to Mike, he's not as nasty to Roger and me. April: Okay, I'll behave. DATE 20010130 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April STORYLINE Dave's Revenge TEXT Marsha: Hi, April. April: Oh, hi Marsha. Mike left flowers for you. They're on the table. Marsha: Aw, how sweet of him! Marsha: Mmh. "Marsha, I'm sorry I've been acting like a jerk lately. Can you ever forgive me? Mike." Marsha: Oh, you silly! Of course I forgive you, Mike! April: What are you talking about, Marsha? Marsha: Mike's just apologizing for being such an insensitive selfish jerk. April: Heh. What did he do this time? Marsha: You mean he needs to do something? DATE 20010131 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave April Marsha STORYLINE Dave's Revenge TEXT Door: KNOCK KNOCK Marsha: I'll get it! Who is it? April: Mmmh... Dave: Um, hi Marsha. I forgot to drop these off with the flowers. They're from Mike. Marsha: Why thank you! Dave: Please don't tell me I forgot. He'd hand me my head if he knew. Marsha: I won't tell him, Dave. Note: Marsha, I tried one of the chocolates to see if they're good enough for you. I think they're not as sweet as your kisses, though. Love, Mike." Marsha: AAAAAWWW... I have to thank him somehow... I know! DATE 20010201 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Marsha STORYLINE Dave's Revenge TEXT Marsha: You're so sweet! Don't worry, all's forgiven Marsha: I have something for you. Just stay there, I'll be right back. Mike: What was THAT about??? DATE 20010202 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave Marsha STORYLINE Dave's Revenge TEXT Dave: What's wrong, Mike? Mike: Marsha's happy about something I did. Dave: So? Mike: I have no idea what I did. Dave: Why, I sent flowers and chocolates to Marsha in your name. Mike: What? Thanks! Um, why'd you do that? Dave: Revenge, Mike. Revenge for all the times you've tortured me. You know, the singing, the poking, the pummeling... Mike: And what kind of lousy revenge is that? Dave: Oh, you know my motto. Kill with kindness... Marsha: Here we are, Mike! I baked some brownies using the chocolates you gave me! You can have the first piece. Mike: Damn, that was downright devious. DATE 20010203 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April STORYLINE Dave's Revenge TEXT Dave: Hi, Margaret. Margaret: You're in a good mood. Dave: Pfft! Heh, I just did something cruel to Mike, and he can't do a thing about it. Can I come in? Margaret: Sure. So, what did you do? Dave: ...so I bought the flowers and chocolates for Marsha and said Mike did it. I knew she'd bake him something. That should get him outta my hair for a while... Margaret: Whoa. EVIL! April: I still think you should have bought Margaret flowers. Dave: I thought of it, but I thought she'd like this instead. Margaret: Dave, you really shouldn't have... April: OOOOH! Go on, open it up! Dave: I just thought I'd get you something for our date. Margaret: Oh... yeah. Margaret: A cat pendant! Um, thank you, Dave. DATE 20010204 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April Dave STORYLINE Values TEXT Caption: Ramen Noodles - $0.29 Caption: Microwave Repair - $125 Caption: Carrot - $0.59 Caption: Five stitches - $375 Caption: Can of condensed soup - $0.79 Caption: Heavy-duty soap = $2.49 Caption: A friend who can cook - priceless Dave: ZAP! DATE 20010205 SETTING Restaurant CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger STORYLINE Aquarium TEXT Roger: Why are we here, again? Mike: Because this is where the guy with the test answers wanted to meet us. Dave: And if you can't believe an anonymous note shoved under our door, who can you trust? Dave: Look, I'm losing valuable study time. Come on, Roger. Mike: Fine, leave. I won't share the test answers with you then. Mike: Hey, we have something in common. DATE 20010206 SETTING Restaurant CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger STORYLINE Aquarium TEXT Mike: Guys! Look at this! Dave: What? Mike: An octopus with an arm instead of a tentacle! Mike: It was here just a second ago! Dave: Have you been handling the blue mushrooms again? Roger: I see a blond fish with glasses. DATE 20010207 SETTING Restaurant CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger STORYLINE Aquarium TEXT Mike: I KNOW what I saw. It was an octopus with a human left arm, instead of a tentacle. Dave: UH-HUH. Mike: We've seen some pretty strange things since our Misery Journey, so why don't you believe this? Dave: Okay, how did an octopus get an arm instead of a tentacle? Was it by by a mutant fisherman? Roger: ALIENS!!! DATE 20010208 SETTING Restaurant CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger STORYLINE Aquarium TEXT Dave, Mike: WHAT??? Roger: Aliens! It makes PERFECT SENSE! Roger: "When we fell asleep on the Misery Journey, aliens beamed Mike up to their ship along with an octopus and performed a dual transplant..." Mike: Did they also pluck an eyeball from a nearsighted man and implant it in your hand? Roger: EEEEEEEEK!!! DATE 20010209 SETTING Restaurant CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger STORYLINE Aquarium TEXT Roger: What do I say if I ever meet the one-eyed man? Dave: So why would aliens transplant Mike's arm with an octopus tentacle and put a nearsighted man's eye in your hand? Roger: Lots of reasons: Medical Experimentation; Playing God; Messing with our Geen Pool... Dave: Nothing Good on TV that Night... Mike: Or maybe they were drunk alien college kids playing a prank? Roger: All plausible reasons! Dave: Pffft! DATE 20010210 SETTING Restaurant CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger STORYLINE Aquarium TEXT Mike: So how did the aliens give Dave laser-vision? Roger: A killer-robot. Dave: Huh? Roger: Well, it makes sense. If something happened the aliens would want to destroy any evidence of their work so they implant a laser in his head along with a control unit to take over if that happens. Dave: You know too much! Crush! Kill! Destroy! Roger: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!! DATE 20010211 SETTING Restaurant CHARACTERS Mike Dave STORYLINE Aquarium TEXT Mike: Hah hah! You don't fool me. I really saw an octopus with a left arm. Dave: Well, have fun communing with the calamari. Mike: Yeah, fine, leave. I won't share the test answers with you then. Dave: So was it much trouble putting that plastic arm on the octopus? Custodian: Nah. Sometimes we stick all sorts of things on them and have shows after hours. DATE 20010212 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Roger Margaret Joe STORYLINE The Adversary TEXT Roger: You look strange. Something's missing. Dave: The bad luck? Yessss my friend, seems like the tables are turning for me. And tonight I'm asking Margaret out on a date.... Dave: It's gonna be perfect! She's gonna wear a silky red dress, and I'm gonna take her to a nice restaurant, with violins and wine and lobster and.... Roger: I think you misheard that... she likes VIOLENCE, not violins. Dave: Roger, I'm serious. For the first time I feel like I ACTUALLY have a chance with her.. . .. ... ..... Roger: I think the tables are turning, indeed... 360° more or less. DATE 20010213 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Roger STORYLINE The Adversary TEXT Dave: Roger? Roger, just... just who the hell is THAT? Roger: Some squared-jaw macho yuppie with a convertible against whom you don't have a chance? Dave: I can SEE that, man! Those are the obvious FACTS! What I mean is, is that her boyfriend or what??? Roger: Gee, what a NUT! How am I supposed to know? Dave: You don't fool me. You know EVERYTHING else, you must know this! Tell me, coyote! Roger: Everything??? That's not me, that's Fluffy... now if you're nice and give it a hump massage.... DATE 20010214 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Margaret Joe Dave Roger STORYLINE The Adversary TEXT Joe: Don't look know, but there's a brown-haired guy standing there watching you... Margaret: Mmh. I know. He follows me everywhere. Joe: Sounds like a stalker. Want me to beat him up a little? Margaret: Naah. He's my friend. He's just a little obsessive... Joe: Oh. Well, that's actually good. A frail girl like you can always use someone watching over her permanently, right? Margaret: Oh, good one! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH! Dave: Do.... do you HEAR THAT??? She's laughing! I've NEVER heard her laugh that way before... she has NEVER laughed that way with me! Roger: Sure she has, the other day you fell down the stairs, but you were unconscious... gAACK! DATE 20010215 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Roger Dave Margaret Joe STORYLINE The Adversary TEXT Dave: What are they saying? I can't hear a thing... Roger: Mmh... let me engage my lip reading hability... Roger: He's telling her he has a really big gun and he's asking her if she wants to see it. Dave: WHAT? Oh, no! Don't go, Margaret... Roger: Don't freak out... maybe they're actually talking about weapons... Dave: Uh? What are you talking about? Roger: I mean, maybe that "gun" thing wasn't an euphemism... Dave: Euphemism... Uh... OHMYGOD. I didn't think about it that way... OHMYGOD... DATE 20010216 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Roger STORYLINE The Adversary TEXT Dave: It has finally happened, Roger. I waited for too long to win Margaret's heart, and now someone has just beat me to it. Roger: Well, what did you expect? She's a major babe, after all. The moment she gets nicer you get a lot of competition. Dave: Well, I've been here always, nicer or not! What does that guy have to offer? Roger: Two words about transportation: leather-covered. Dave: Well, MY transportation is leather covered too and I don't see anyone going "oooh" and "aaah" over it! Roger: Your last statement qualifies you as a winner for the nonsense contest and a loser everywhere else. DATE 20010217 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Chester STORYLINE The Adversary TEXT Dave: But we knew it all the time, didn't we, Chester? We knew she was nothing but a sweet, sweet dream... *sigh* Roger: Don't be so negative... she still owes you a date. Dave: No. I promised myself if she started loving someone else, I'd step out of the way. Roger: WHAT? Man, what a crappy attitude! Roger: You don't even know who that guy is! Do I need to whack you over the head with the book to make you understand? Dave: I'd better find out, right? Roger: That's the spirit! Say, can I whack you over the head with the book anyway? Seems like a "too fun to waste" idea.. Dave: Hmm. No. DATE 20010218 SETTING Hall, Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Marsha STORYLINE The Adversary TEXT Dave: Hi Marsha... Margaret isn't home, is she? Marsha: Nope. Want to wait for her inside? Dave: Say... I want to ask you something. Has Margaret mentioned something about a... boyfriend lately? Marsha: Noooo! You mean...? Marsha: EEEEEEEEEEE! Oh I'm so HAPPY for you guys! You make such a cute couple! Dave: Except I didn't mean me. Marsha: GHK! Oooh boy... DATE 20010220 SETTING Girls' Apartment, Red Green's office CHARACTERS Dave Marsha Red Roger STORYLINE The Adversary - Red Green Noir TEXT Dave: I guess I will have to go through the humiliation of asking her myself, then... Marsha: What? NO! I'm the jealousy stalking expert here, so listen... Marsha: Whatever you do, you should not be involved... you need another person to find out for you. Ooh, wait, I know! Roger: Hey Red, a broad is here to see you... Red: Is she curvy? I'm kinda busy here... Roger: I suppose you could call her curvy... but I prefer redheads myself... DATE 20010221 SETTING Red Green's Office CHARACTERS Red Marsha STORYLINE The Adversary - Red Green Noir TEXT Marsha: Mr. Green? Red: Eep! Red: Must... follow orders... from the curvy silky one... Marsha: Oh. So you ARE Red Green, Private Eye? Red: Yes. And I assume you are the one who's been hoarding all the sex appeal in the city? Marsha: Nice to meet you... wait. Is that a tentacle or are you just happy to see me? Red: Both, sweetheart. Now how can I do you? I mean, what can I do for you? DATE 20010222 SETTING Red Green's Office CHARACTERS Red Marsha Roger STORYLINE The Adversary - Red Green Noir TEXT Red: So, this guy wants to know if is girls cheats on him. Sounds easy enough. Marsha: Well, it's not that easy. Red: Look honey, people pay me everyday to follow other people around and get their hearts broken. It IS that easy. Marsha: If it was THAT simple, I'd do it myself. Red: Really. Mmh, I could use an assistant... Marsha: A-ha. Anyway, if you get the job done, you get paid. If you don't... well, I hope I even get to see you again, Mr. Green. Red: I'm going out. Take all my calls. Roger: Hardly. Red: Okay, but don't expect a raise really soon, then. Roger: You don't pay me at ALL. Red: Mmh. Well, take my calls and I'll give you a 10% raise. Roger: Sounds fair enough. DATE 20010223 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Margaret Red Joe STORYLINE The Adversary - Red Green Noir TEXT Red: Mmmh... yeah, that looks like the kind of chick who would carry a gun in her purse... Red: I already feel sorry for the poor bastard who hired me... and here comes the tricky part of following someone... Red: Stealing someone's bike and trying to keep up with the car. Ba-psssch. Someone: HEY! DATE 20010224 SETTING Outside Joe's House CHARACTERS Red Joe Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Red Green Noir TEXT Red: Never go to a CAR fight with a BICYCLE! Red: Nice car, nicer house. Since I'm here I should look for some dirt... this guy is a prime candidate for blackmail. DATE 20010225 SETTING Outside Joe's House CHARACTERS Red "Guard Dog" STORYLINE The Adversary - Red Green Noir TEXT DATE 20010226 SETTING Outside Joe's House CHARACTERS Red April STORYLINE The Adversary - Red Green Noir TEXT April: Mr. Green! What are you doing down there? Red: Hello, Miss April... just taking a little rest from jumping over the wall, being chased by a beast from Hell, jumping over the wall again, and landing face first. April: This is the terrible beast? What a precious little thing! Who's mama's boy, huh? Red: Mh, you're right. Say.... could you keep doing that for a couple minutes? I'll be right back... DATE 20010227 SETTING Joe's House CHARACTERS Red Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Red Green Noir TEXT Red: All right, I'm inside the house... now to look for the dirt, and oh yeah, the lovebirds... Red: Whoa...! Red: Pfft. You got me worried for sec there, handsome. Margaret: Move and assimilate bullets, pal. DATE 20010228 SETTING Joe's House CHARACTERS Red Margaret Joe STORYLINE The Adversary - Red Green Noir TEXT Margaret: All right, start talking! Why were you following me? What do you want? Red: Mmh, isn't that a big gun for a chick like you? Margaret: WHAT did you say??? Red: Also, it's unloaded. I can tell looking down the barrel... Margaret: Looking down the barrel? Yeah right. You can't see a thing down the barrel. Red: It's easy, see... first you believe a gullible lie, then you have to give me your gun, please. Margaret: A gullible lie, huh? Like, a friend of mine is behind you with a loaded gun? Red: Well, I could hardly believe that. After all, it's the oldest trick in the book. Joe: No, really. DATE 20010301 SETTING Joe's House CHARACTERS Joe Red Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Red Green Noir TEXT Joe: What's going on here? Margaret: He was following us! Red: C'mon. Why would I follow you? If a rich fellow dates a married woman, that's none of my business. Margaret: What? I'm not marred! And we're not dating! We are just members of the same gun club! Red: Oops! Looks like I got the wrong couple as usual... my mistake! It happens all the time! Now if you'll excuse me I will exit to the right side of the stage.... Margaret: Oh well... bye bye and good luck! You're gonna need it! Heehehehe! Joe: Wait, wiat.. what's the hurry? Maybe you would like to take a closer look at my collection. DATE 20010302 SETTING Red Green's Office CHARACTERS Dave Red Marsha STORYLINE The Adversary - Red Green Noir TEXT Dave: This... this is outrageously RIDICULOUS! Red: Yeah, I know it went up a bit. I had to charge an extra fee because of the dog. Dave: But it almost DOUBLED! I'm NOT paying this! Red: Look, pal, I did my job and I want my money. When my tentacle gets persuasive on people, people gets blue too, and it's not a pretty sight... Dave: IGH... AACK! Red: So, dolly, wanna go waste some dough tonight? How about all of it? Marsha: Let me think about it.... mmh, okay! DATE 20010303 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger STORYLINE The Adversary - Call of the Wild TEXT Dave: DAMMIT! Dave: OOOW! OWWWWW!!! OW! Roger: Contrarily to popular belief, walls don't behave better if you hit them, Dave. Dave: Shut up! Don't you see I'm happy? Roger: It's quite obvious. Dave: Yeah, I'm happy because Margaret is not dating that yuppie! And I'm bummed because Mike took all the money I was saving for my date with her! Dave: And so, I'm so confused I can't handle it. Therefore, I'm very angry. Roger: No offense, but I'm gonna use my contacts to get you locked up in an asylum. Dave: If you have contacts how come you're still a five-eyes? DATE 20010304 SETTING Outside, Boys' Bathroom CHARACTERS Chester Vanilla "Vanilla's Owner" Dave Roger STORYLINE The Adversary - Call of the Wild TEXT Chester: sniff sniff Vanilla: Meow. Chester: Sniff sinnf Chester: Arrerer Vanilla's Owner: Vanilla! Stop fooling around and come here already! Dave: Eeh. Get out. I, umh, need a cold shower... Roger: Grrr... why do I have to suffer you not having a life? DATE 20010305 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike STORYLINE The Adversary - Call of the Wild TEXT Mike: What's with the Depressotron 4000? Roger: Oh, he's just bummed because a certain sonofapickle bastard took all the money he was saving for his date with Margaret. Dave: Okay, I said that, but the adjectives are Roger's. Roger: Gee, sue me for being creative.... Mike: So you wanted to impress her with you money, even when your pockets are empy most of the time? Sad. Really sad. Dave: I guess you do have a point there, which makes me feel a lot worse. Thanks. Mike: Well, I'm off. I used the money to bet in a poker game and some guy lost his car to me. Good bye, pedestrians! Roger: Is it too late to claim a blook link with you? Dave: RGGGRR... DATE 20010306 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger STORYLINE The Adversary - Call of the Wild TEXT Roger: So why don't you ask her out right away? Dave: Oh, I dunno... maybe if I wait a little, I... Roger: ACK! Face it! You're a poor moneyless pathetic guy! This is who you are and she's gonna have to take it or leave it! Now go get her before someone else does first!!!! Dave: *Urk* Next time you push me into action, please verify the door is open first... Roger: I think for you and you want me to handle all those little details too??? DATE 20010307 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Call of the Wild TEXT Dave: Hi! Saaay Margaret, I was thinking about our date, and if you're not very busy... eh, if I'm interrupting something I can come back later... Margaret: No, go ahead. Dave: As I was saying... uh, maybe we could, if you're not, and this friday, stretch, and ohmygodfun, if you don't mind, you know what I'm saying, aha yeah, that... Margaret: What? I didn't get a thing you said. Dave: You know, I think I'll come back later when you're less brain-warping... Margaret: You shouldn't let Mike strangle you... lack of oxygen can really affect your brain. DATE 20010308 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Chester Mike Fluffy STORYLINE The Adversary - Call of the Wild TEXT Roger: So? Dave: It's official. Saturday is the big night. Roger: All right! See? That wasn't so hard after all, was it? Dave: Well... Dave: Actually, that was the EASY part. Now here comes the really hard part. Roger: Uh? Dave: I need to ask Mike a favor. Roger: Wow, you must really be nuts about her... Dave: I am. Dave: ... Mike: Hell no! DATE 20010309 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE The Adversary - Call of the Wild TEXT Dave: Aw, c'mon Mike! You know how important this is to me! It's just for a few hours! Mike: Mh. Why should I let you use my car for your date? You hate my guts anyway! Dave: Uh... I don't hate your guts! Mike: Yeah you do. AFter all, I almost beat you to death once... Dave: Look, I forgive you for everything you've done to me in the past. Happy? Mike: What about next week? Are you gonna forgive me for what I'm going to do to you next week? Dave: What? What is that? Mike: I dunno, I always come up with something. Dave: Well, I... I forgive you in advance! Dave: You REEEEALLY are enjoying this, aren't you. Mike: Now you're hurting my feelings! DATE 20010310 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE The Adversary - Call of the Wild TEXT Mike: Okay, stop crying like a baby... I'll let you borrow my car on one condition. You have to let me punch you really hard! Dave: You...! All right, go ahead. Just not with the tentacle. Mike: Yes, with the tentacle! Dave: *sigh* Who am I kidding? Let's get this over with... Mike: Pffft! On second thought, I think I'm gonna save that punch for a moment when you're not expecting it! Heheheheheeh! DATE 20010311 SETTING Blue's room, Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Blue Mike Dave Roger Fluffy STORYLINE The Adversary - Call of the Wild TEXT Blue: Hello? Mike! What, making the obligatory weekly phone call? Mike: You know it is... say, is the dragon around? Blue: No, but... Blue: You shouldn't call our beloved mother that. She's got the phone lines tapped, you know... Mike: WHAT? Oh crap, I'm DEAD! Blue: I'm kidding! Put down the suicide pill! Mike: Grr. I'll get you, you blue-haired brat. Blue: Shaddup! Hey, by the way... Mike: What? No, I think he's in the shower. Oh, wait, he's here. Dave: Oh, hi, Blue. Fine, thanks. You? Dave: Jeans and shirt, why? Dave: !!! Blue: He's sooooo adorable... *sigh* Roger: No way! You just had a shower, now let me nap in peace! Dave: It's not my fault! It's like a conspiracy against me, I swear! Roger: The female consipracy to keep you horny? Yeah right. I invented that, my friend. DATE 20010312 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Blue STORYLINE The Adversary - Call of the Wild TEXT Roger: Sure, he's here. Mmh, wait... Roger: I'm sorry, Margaret, he's not home - WHOA! Dave: I'm here! Sorry, I was just trying to avoid... Dave: Oh. Hello, Blue. Roger: Blue? Damn, I have lost my ability to recognize voices... DATE 20010313 SETTING Blue's room, Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Blue Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - Call of the Wild TEXT Blue: Will you relax, Dave? There's no reason to get upset... Dave: Have you got no shame at all? This is wrong, and you know it! Blue: Aw, c'mon. It's not like it's the real stuff. We don't have to worry at all... Dave: Bapsch. It's still morally wrong. Blue: Morals? Pffft! Blue: "What we call 'morals' is simply blind obedience to words of command" - Havelock Ellis Dave: Oh yeah? Well, um. "Your brother is gonna skin me alive if he finds out and I don't need any more trouble" - David Jones Blue: Your last name is Jones??? How cute. And how terribly, terribly appropiate too. Dave: Are you listening to me at ALL? Blue: Not really. So, I heard you were taking a shower. Mind to describe it? Dave: *sob* DATE 20010314 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Blue STORYLINE The Adversary - Call of the Wild TEXT Dave: You know, Blue, you were right! This is actually FUN... keep going... Dave: Ooooh! Yeah! But please, don't leave out any nasty details... Dave: (Psst. It's for you) Mike: Cool. Thanks. Mike: ????... What the... BLUE? Blue: AAIEEEE!!! DATE 20010315 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Roger STORYLINE The Adversary - Call of the Wild TEXT Dave: Only 27 hours to the Big Date! Roger: Nervous? Dave: Not really, considering... well, WOW! It's a date with MARGARET! Dave: I've always wanted a chance with her, and this is it. So my entire life depends on what happens tomorrow, and if it goes bad I'm probably jumping from a building but no, I'm not nervous. Dave: Do you have a couple of jumper cables handy? I think I need to restart my heart. Roger: Sorry, no. And if I had them, I'd use them to unfreeze my brain. DATE 20010316 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Chester Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Dave: This is it, Chester... wish me luck! Dave: Hey, I said "luck" not "salmonella"! Dave: Oh no! I can't do this! Incoming Panick Attack! !@{*#@%&#@!{!)*%){#@*$#( Dave: Much better Dave: Hi, Ready! Are you Margaret to go? Margaret: Ee-yep. Gonna be a looong night. DATE 20010317 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Margaret: ... Margaret: Dave... we drove two hours for THIS? Dave: Eep! Oh, damn. I knew you'd hate the idea... we.... we can go back... we... *gulp* Margaret: Eeh... Margaret: I don't know. But I suppose that while we're here we can ride that round thing over there! Dave: That? That's the "Funky Horror". It's the gauranteed to make you throw up or your money back! DATE 20010318 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Margaret: Fun-ky Horror! Fun-ky Horror! Dave: Ooh boy. Maybe screaming for mercy that high up in the air is not a good idea. Mh, how about the bumper cars? Margaret: C'mon, let's go! Dave: How could you convince me of this??? Margaret: You're scared? Aaaw... Dave: How can I be scared when I am TERRIFIED? Yikes! It's m-moving... Dave: Oh dear God, don't me dieeeeeee! Margaret: AHAHAHAHAH! Faster!!! Dave: WOHOOO! Yeah! Let's do it again! Margaret: NNNGG! DATE 20010319 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Margaret: Crap! Is that Mary-Ann? Dave: Mary-who? Margaret: Mary-Ann! the TEACHER'S PET! I hate her! Oh, I'll TEACH her... Dave: Wait... what are you gonna... Margaret: Bump her car to Hell where she belongs! Dave: Let's get out of here! We were lucky that hot dog cart broke her fall... Margaret: Lucky??? Dammit, I wanted a hot dog, too... CURSE YOU, MARY-ANN! DATE 20010320 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Dave: Wow, nice job at the shooting gallery... that was one pissed off carney! Margaret: Ha! Yeah, I thought the vein on his forehead was gonna blow! Dave: I'm glad you're having fun. I wanted to take you to a nicer place, but my budget was too small, and... Margaret: What place could be better than this? Adrenaline overdoses, shooting, greasy food, opportunities to be evil... Dave: Well, standing below "The Zipper" to laugh at the people screaming in terror was evil, but not so much as stealing the spare change that fell out of their pockets. Margaret: Hey, don't know it! After all, it paid for the cotton candy! DATE 20010321 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Margaret: And so he spent an hour and a half giving a dramatic speech without noticing there was a hideous worm crawling up his hair, and... why are you looking at me like that? Dave: Sorry for staring, but I can't help it... you're just TOO pretty. Margaret: Um, thanks. Dave: I was wondering... do you think I can... get my goodnight kiss EARLY? Margaret: Better here than back at the dorm with everybody spying on us. Margaret: My God... what is THAT? Dave: Erm... my heart? Margaret: No, THAT BEHIND YOU! DATE 20010322 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Bull STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Bull: MOO! Dave: What the...? Margaret: Look out! Dave: Whoa!!! Margaret: Ngg! Margaret: BLAST IT, DAVE! Dave: Can't! If I stop to do that it'll get me! Margaret: Hang on, I'll help you! Dave: No! It might attack you! Just stay AWAY! DATE 20010323 SETTING Fair, Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Bull Roger Mike Chester STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Dave: Eep! Mike: Since you're the all-purpose guru around here, would you happen to know just WHAT THE HELL is with this cat??? Roger: Either the floor's cold or he thinks you'd look good with a Marge Simpson hairdo. DATE 20010324 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Dave Bull STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Dave: *huff* *puff* You stupid bull... Bull: MOOOOO DATE 20010325 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Bull Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Dave: Whoa! Dave: Oooof! Bull: MOOOOO DATE 20010326 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Margaret: ARGH! I run all the way here to get my gun and I don't even have the damn keys! Margaret: Aw, what the hell... behold the power of the ROCK! Margaret: I'm sorry, but either Mike has a cow or Dave gets the bull. DATE 20010327 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Margaret Joe STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Margaret: Now to find the bull I just have to follow the screaming people... Margaret: Wha? They're taking the bull away! And it's smoking... that means Dave blasted it! Margaret: But where is he? Margaret: That means I broke the car window for nothing... and I bet Dave's gonna freak out about THAT. Joe: Why, if it isn't the quickest gun of the campus! DATE 20010328 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Margaret Joe Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Margaret: Where IS he? We've looked around for an hour and it's like he vanished! Joe: Relax. I'm sure we'll find him very soon... this park is not that big, after all. Margaret: Maybe he's looking for me and we're never gonna find him that way. Maybe we should just stay in one place. Joe: What if he thinks the same? Margaret: Mh, you have a point. Let's look around one more time. Dave: Ooow, OW! I... I can't believe I'm not dead. Dave: Geez. That's it, next time I'll just take her to the Movie. DATE 20010329 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Margaret Joe Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Margaret: Well, he's not here either. Joe: Wait, wait! Margaret: C'mon Joe, we gotta keep looking... Joe: But... but that's "Meant to Be"! It's my favorite song in the whole world! Margaret: What? Joe, I'm NOT in the mood to dance! Joe: Aw, c'mooon... just this single one! Do it for me. Please? Margaret: Joe... Joe: PLEASE. Dave: Well, Mike's car has not a broken window and Margaret's gun is gone. I should look for another bull to finish me. DATE 20010330 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Margaret Joe Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Margaret: We shouldn't be doing this. Joe: Shhh. Enjoy the moment, Margaret. Margaret: I feel very strange... Margaret: It's like all this is not... REAL. Like a dream. Or something else. Joe: Well, it's a dream. At least to me. Dave: This... is a friggin' nightmare... DATE 20010331 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Joe STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Dave: I hope you're happy now, Dave. People like you aren't supposed to dream. You idiot. Dave: HEY YOU! THE GUY UP THERE! Dave: I don't know what kind of sick game this is, but I suppose I can play, too! Dave: You see, now I'm gonna get back there and ask her if she's coming home with me. And then she's gonna laugh at me. And then she's gonna laugh at me, and then he's gonna laugh at me, and then YOU are gonna laugh at me. Dave: Maybe THEN, when I'm totally destroyed, you can finally leave me alone. Margaret: Whoa... what the hell just happened? Joe: I kissed you. Margaret: And why did I kiss you back? Joe: Um you love me? DATE 20010401 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Margaret Joe STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Margaret: Wha... what's happening? Joe: Nothing's happening. We're just dancing... Margaret: THIS. This is wrong. This is SO WRONG. Joe: Aaw. Why do you keep resisting me? Trust me. I'll make everything go right for you. You won't have to worry about anything else. Ever. Margaret: What... are you doing me? Let... my mind GO... Joe: Everything's gonna be okay... Margaret: Please. God. Help me. Joe: Don't make me angry, Margaret. Margaret: Please. Joe: DON'T make me angry. Margaret: That voice... oh God... Joe: Do I have to rip your soul off to make you shut up?! DATE 20010402 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Margaret Dave Joe STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Margaret: Hh....stay away from me! Dave: Wait! Joe: Hold it. Joe: Look at yourself. You pitiful vermin! Keep fluttering around her and I'll teach you... there are worse things than just death... Joe: UGH! Dave: Hah. DATE 20010403 SETTING Fair CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - Datestiny TEXT Dave: MARGARET! Wait! Margaret: There you are! I've been looking for... wait a minute, what happened to you? Dave: Mh, the bull and I were playing a little soccer. I was the ball... Margaret: It's a bad looking cut. At least I can't see your brains... does it hurt a lot? Dave: Sss! Ow! Not really, but I wouldn't mind an aspirin... Margaret: You need a doctor. Let's go. Margaret: We need to get out of here... can you walk? Dave: No. Hold me. Margaret: Dave... Dave: Now, if you REALLY want to make me feel better... DATE 20010404 SETTING Mike's Car CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: I'm sorry about the broken window, Dave. I'll pay for it. Dave: No, Margaret, I'll pay for it. After all, you were just trying to help me. And I'm sorry about that wound on your head, too. Dave: Don't be silly. That's not your fault. Margaret: That's what YOU think. Dave: Um... are you feeling okay? Margaret: No. Dave: Margaret... we're going too fast! Margaret: Not fast enough. Dave: WHAT? Margaret: We're being CHASED. Dave: Chased??? Margaret: Again, sorry for dragging you into my problems. DATE 20010405 SETTING Mike's Car CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: Maybe we should stop. Margaret: And let him get me? Never! Dave: He might not be after you. I punched him awhile ago... Margaret: You WHAT? Dave, you don't know who this guy is, do you? Dave: I don't know who he is and what he's got against me, but he said some nasty things and I was angry... Margaret: I'll tell you who he is... that guy is the Devil, Dave! Dave: The De- Margaret! Eyes on the road! Margaret: Oh, so now he's standing in the middle of the road to stop me. Nice try, but I'm running over him! Dave: What? Have you gone totally crazy?? Margaret: Bah, it's Satan! I'm sure he'll respawn in Hell! DATE 20010406 SETTING Mike's Car CHARACTERS Satan Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: DIE!!! Dave: OhmyGod- Dave: Margaret! The curve! Margaret: AAAAAARGH!!!! DATE 20010407 SETTING Underwater CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: Mmhn. (???) Dave: M-margaret? Dave: We're.... under the water! We gotta get out of here quick! Dave: Margaret? DATE 20010408 SETTING Underwater CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: Margaret! PLEASE! Wake up! We have to go NOW! Margaret: Nngh. You go. I'll stay here.... Dave: WHAT? Margaret: He's never gona leave me alone... Dave: Listen, there's no time for this! The windshield's gonna collapse! Margaret: No, I think I'm not gonna be part of this anymore... goodbye, Dave. Dave: Why are you locking your- DATE 20010409 SETTING Underwater CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: PLEASE! Margaret, please... Dave: Ugh. I can't do this! My lungs are blowing up! I need air... Dave: IneediarIneedairINEED... Dave: She's dying Dave: down there Dave: dying Dave: she can't be Dave: NO... Dave: You know, I don't CARe what the hell you want! Dave: YOU... YOU ARE COMING HOME WITH ME! DATE 20010410 SETTING Lake Shore CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: Margaret? Dave: You're alive! You're alive. ThankyoudearsweetGod, she's alive... Margaret: I... I thought you were gone! Margaret: A...alive? How...? Dave: I got you out through the windshield. Margaret: You did? Dave: Shh. Don't talk. Catch your breath. Margaret: You... Margaret: ...IDIOT!!!! DATE 20010411 SETTING Lake Shore CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: Thanks a lot, Dave. It could be all over now. But you had to go and save me... Dave: Did you expect me to let you die down there? I can't do that! Margaret: You fool. You don't realize Satan probably manipulated you into it. Dave: I don't know what what you're talking about, Margaret, but you're starting to scare me. You know perfectly well why I did it. Margaret: Sure, I bet when Mike was beating you to death HE "knew" why, too. Dave: ... Margaret: We just drove off a cliff. Can't you see it? He's taken off the gloves now... Dave: Where are you going? We have to stay here and wait for the police to arrive.... Margaret: YOU stay here. I won't risk you anymore. Dave: I'm going with you, then... Margaret: No! Dave, I won't take the responsiblity for your death! DATE 20010412 SETTING Lake Shore CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: Stop following me around! Dave: I have to make sure you don't hurt yourself. Margaret: Worry about YOURSELF, Dave. Don't you see I'm trying to protect you? I'll be fine. Dave: Sorry, I just don't believe you. I'm not leaving you alone in your state of mind. You're hysterical! Margaret: Dave, I'm warning you. If you take another step towards me... Dave: Margaret, I'm going with you and that's IT! Margaret: Forgive me.... 20010413 DATE 20010413 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Margaret "Roger's Mom" STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: AAAUGH! Margaret: OOW! Man, now I've done it... Roger's Mom: SNAAARRRRL... DATE 20010414 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Margaret "Roger's Mom" Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: Looks like the boss is running out of imagination... first a bull, now you. What are you supposed to be anyway? Margaret: Anyway, I have a message for you and your master: BITE ME. Margaret: If I may ask a favor, try to go for the jugular vein... Margaret: You AGAIN??? I don't believe this! Dave: Sorry about that. There was a monster in your hair... DATE 20010415 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: My God, Dave, what do I have to do to make you stay away from me??? Dave: Aaw. You don't have to worry about me at all... Dave: Let me explain myself. Dave: Tonight a bull attacked me and I fell off a cliff and almost drowned twie. Then my date landed a flying kick on me. And I'm still here. Don't you see? I'm UNBREAKABLE. Margaret: You know, I'm starting to think you ARE. Dave: Indestructible... heh... Margaret: And either you really love me or you're really damn stubborn. DATE 20010416 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: Dave, wake up. Do you hear that? Dave: You're still here??? I thought you'd be gone by now. Margaret: I could never abandon you in a place like this. Dave: You did before. Margaret: It was a safe place. This is NOT. Dave: Look! Margaret: A firefly? That's odd. They usually hang around water, and not very deep in the woods... Dave: Maybe if we follow it we'll get out. Margaret: That sounds like a terribly naive thought, Dave. Dave: Hey, you know the old saying, "When in doubt, go for the stupidest thing". Margaret: Didn't that line of thinking get you mutated? DATE 20010417 SETTING Woods, Cave CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: Where did that firefly go? I can't see it anymore. Dave: It went into that cave. Maybe we should camp there for the night. Margaret: Cave??? Oh, don't tell me you want to go in there. It looks like a trap. Dave: Margaret, please. I'm cold, I'm hurt, and I'm terribly tired. I'm about to collapse. Margaret: Oh, all right! Dave: See? this was not such a bad idea after all. Margaret: Except for that bat that got tangled in my hair, yeah, I suppose it's okay. Dave: What about the bat? They're just playful winged little mammals... Margaret: Ba-pssch. DATE 20010418 SETTING Cave CHARACTERS Margaret Dave Satan STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Satan: Psssssst. Wake up. Satan: And if you even move, I'll have the pleasure of strangling you. Dave: Oh man, I hate these talking-snake dreams... Satan: This is NOt a dream, you fool. *lick* Dave: Eew! Telepathic, too??? DATE 20010419 SETTING Cave CHARACTERS Dave Satan STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: What are you? Satan: Pleased to meet you, I hope you guess my name... Dave: S-satan? Satan: Just one of my many names, just one of my many forms. Dave: Oh dear... so it wast YOU on the road. I thought it was just my imagination. Dave: So what the hell do you want now? Satan: Since subtlety just doesn't work on you, I decided to give you my last warning. I told you to stay away from Margaret if you want to live. Dave: That was you, too??? Satan: Focus on the important thing, kid. Your death. Dave: In that case, I think that if you could really kill me I would already be dead. Satan: You think I can't? Who do you think you are, Superman? You're just fragile flesh and bone, like her parents and any close friend she's ever had. Satan: And they're all dead. Dave: DEAD? Satan: Yes, dead. Mortals die, haven't you noticed? 'Specially if they're stubborn. DATE 20010420 SETTING Cave CHARACTERS Dave Satan STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: You're LYING. Like I've said, I'm still here. Satan: I'm keeping you alive only because your death could make her snap and I don't want that. But really, why risk your life for a girl who doesn't even love you? Dave: I don't know if she loves me, but NOW I'm sure she needs me... Satan: How moving! Satan: But would you give up your sould for her? Satan: Now let's say I put you in a situation where you have to kill someone to save her life. Then you die and go to Hell. And once you're there your ass is mine... Dave: God would NEVER allow that to happen! Satan: Sssss. That's what you think. The Other Guy doesn't care if you live or die. You're supposed to settle for eternal life. Satan: I thought you didn't like Hell. You didn't look so happy there... Dave: Uh? What? Satan: Those three minutes your soul spent in my hand. Don't you remember? Dave: No. I don't remember anything at all. Satan: Maybe you don't WANT to remember? Dave: NO... Satan: REMEMBER... DATE 20010421 SETTING Hell, Cave CHARACTERS Dave Satan STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Satan: Here's the bad news. You're dead and in Hell, where you will suffer for all eternity to come. Dave: *gasp* W-what's the good news? Satan: Well, who said anything about good news? Dave: Where are you? Stop making me see that! Satan: Sss. But that's just the first ten seconds.. Dave: No! Get off me! Margaret: Dave? DATE 20010422 SETTING Cave CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: GNN! Margaret: Dave! Wake up! You're dreaming! Dave: Uh??? Dream? That was NOT a dream. Margaret: It's okay, Dave. It's OVER. Dave: My God, I remember EVERYTHING now... Margaret: Let's just go back to sleep. Dave: NOOOO! Don't leave me! Dave: Stay with me, please! Margaret: *sigh* Okay, ten minutes won't hurt, I guess. Dave: Thanks... DATE 20010423 SETTING Cave, Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: Margaret? Dave: Margaret? Where are you? Margaret: Ah, good! You woke up! Gut and microwave those two while I get another two! Dave: GGGNNHJJJ. DATE 20010424 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: Wow, you are REALLY thirsty, aren't you? Margaret: Are you okay, Dave? Dave: Uuuuuuu-HUH. P-peachy. Dave: LookattheeyeslookattheeyesLook... Margaret: Then why are you loo- Dave: AAAAAAAAAH! I'm not staring at your breasts! DATE 20010425 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: Sometimes you are SUCH a kid, Dave. Dave: The problem is, I'm not. Margaret: It's not like you've never seen a girl in a bikini before... Dave: That's not a bikini and you're not just any girl to me, Margaret. You KNOw that. Margaret: All right, all right. Keep yourself busy. Gut and clean our breakfast, please. Dave: Are you kidding? I failed biology in high school because I couldn't dissect an earthworm. I'd rather fish. Margaret: Okay, first you have to make sure that... eh... Dave: The eye is faster than the shirt! Margaret: Show off. DATE 20010426 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike April STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Mike: What's decent person like you doing knocking on my door at this hour in the morning? April: It's NOON, Mike! Mike: It's Sunday, April! April: Margaret never came back from her date with Dave. I need to talk to him. April: There's no one here! Where's Dave? Where is Roger? Mike: I hardly know where my face is and you ask me about my roomies? April: If YOU don't know then who am I supposed to ask? Mike: What wast he question, again? April: It was: have you ever been throttled into sense? Mike: Maybe. But if it happened on a Sunday before 2 p.m. I don't remember. DATE 20010427 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS April Mike Marsha STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT April: [yelling at Mike in an attempt to wake him up] Mike: Z Marsha: You're never gonna wake up that way, April. April: Blahj! You really expect me to do that??? Marsha: Nope. Unless you want a second-hand piranha in your bubble bath! Mike: I doubt YOUR kisses are sweeter than caffeine, anyway. DATE 20010428 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike April Roger Marsha Fluffy STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Mike: And there he is. See? He just went out to walk Fluffy or something... Roger: Yeah. If it doesn't get its morning exercise it gets flabby. Mike: Nothing to worry about... Mike: April, I'm sure Dave and Margaret are just having fun somewhere. As long as he keeps my backseat clean of fun, it's okay with me. April: Mike, this is DAVE we're talking about... Marsha: Mike! Look at this! Roger: Mmh... isn't that your care they're pulling out of a lake, Mike? April: OhmyGod... DATE 20010429 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: Listen...I need to tell you something, but you're um, just too distracting. Mind if I turn around? Margaret: Pfft. You're exaggerating. But no, I don't mind. Dave: Have you ever had a -? Margaret: Wait... how did you cut yourself like this? Dave: Oh? I think it was the windshield. Margaret: Geez, Dave. You still have pieces of glass in the wound. Why didn't you say anything? Dave: I just forgot. I doesn't hurt... Margaret: Well, I'm taking them out. You were saying? Dave: I was asking, have you ever had a dream so real you can't tell if it really happened? Margaret: Lots of times. Why? Dave: Well, last night I had this dream about a talking snake, and... Margaret: T-talking snake? You had a dream about a talking snake??? Dave: YOW! The dream is over! No need to pinch me that HARD!!! DATE 20010430 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: I was kinda hoping all that was a bunch of lies... Margaret: The devil won't lie to you if that truth servers his purposes. Dave: But WHY? Why you? If at least I knew... Margaret: No! You don't need to know. I don't want you to get involved in this. Dave: But I am already involved, Margaret. Dave: I don't think it's just a matter of staying OUt of it. Dave: If what Satan told me is true, then all the bad stuff that's been happening to me lately was his thing. At least I'd want to know WHY. Margaret: You don't need to know because as soon as we're out of these woods you're staying away from me! DATE 20010501 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: So that's it? You just DECIDED it? Dave: And I suppose it doesn't matter what I think or how I feel about it. Right? Right? Dave: Oh. I see I don't even deserve an answer, either. Dave: So you're giving up on me! Is that your solution? And I suppose you think we're gonna live happily ever after? Dave: I bet you won't even feel sad about it. I wish I could be like you. Dave: But if you don't care about me or my friendship, why do you keep saving my life? Why do you keep protecting me? Dave: For crying out loud, why did you offer your soul to Satan to save me??? Dave: Do you LOVE me or WHAT? Dave: You're a big disappointment, Margaret! Dave: I thought at least you'd have the guts to tell me things straight to my face! Dave: YOU ARE A COWARD! DATE 20010502 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: ACK! There's no way to cross here! We'll have to walk down the river and... Dave: You walk down the river. I'll just use that branch to get to the other side. Margaret: I don't think it's such a good idea... if we fall the current will drag us. Margaret: You're STILL gonna do it??? Are you crazy? It's DANGEROUS! Dave: What are you worried about? According to your theory, as long as I stay away from you I'll be fine! Dave: So you go on your way... Dave: and I'll TEST that theory! DATE 20010503 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: You fool! You're gonna kill yourself! Dave: Go away. Who asked you about your opinion? Margaret: Bah! Screw you, then! Dave: Mmph. Margaret: ACK! That branch is DEAD WOOD! It's not gonna hold your weight! Margaret: Just stay calm and try not to make any sudden... Margaret: Never mind. DATE 20010504 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: HANG ON! I'll give you a hand! Margaret: Grab the branch, Dave! Dave: No! Margaret: WHAT??? Dave: You heard me! NO! DATE 20010505 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: You asked me to give up on you, now I'm asking you the same! Margaret: Stop fooling around and grab the damn branch! Dave: Go away! I'll manage somehow! Margaret: Dave, I'm serious! There's a waterfall behind you! Dave: I'm serious, too! Margaret: You're gonna break your neck! You... Dave: Uuuuh.... Margaret: DAVE! DATE 20010506 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: Dave, c'mon! Dave: No... Margaret: Dave, PLEASE! How long do you think you can hold on? Why are you doing this? Dave: If you won't let me help you, I won't let you help me, either! Margaret: ... Margaret: ARGGHDAMNYOU! All right! I'll let you help me! Dave: Do you promise? Margaret: Yeah I promise! Now please grab the stupid branch! DATE 20010507 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: I swear, Dave... you're the most stubborn, immature person I've ever met! Dave: Besides you? Margaret: I'm serious! If you're gonna hang around me, you won't have to look for death! That was a stupid, implusive thing you did! Dave: I know, but you were being unreasonable... Margaret: And you childish! Dave: And you selfish! Margaret: Spoiled wimp! Dave: Terrorist! Margaret: BlockHEAD! Dave: Uuh... SEXYSHOULDERS! Margaret: Pfft! What kind of lousy insult is that??? Hehehehe! Margaret: You know, I didn't notice it before but this is a really pretty place. Dave: I would like it more if it wer't for my tendency to die in it. DATE 20010508 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Marsha April Roger Chester STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Marsha: Oh my God they're DEAD. Oh my God... April: Wait, wait. If there was no one inside, they might be alive! Marsha: But what... what if they bodies just... floated out? And if they're alive, where are the they? Why haven't they called us? April: ACK. I don't know, Marsha. Roger: COuld you do me a favor and scare the beewax out of Chester? There's something I want to verify... April: Roger, your roommate is dead somewhere and you want me to scare his cat??? Roger: Please humor me. I don't want to paint Fluffy black if there's no one to mourn. DATE 20010509 SETTING Woods, Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Roger April Chester STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: Okay, Dave. I'll tell you all I know about it. It's not a lot, either, but it's not gonna be pretty. Dave: I was kinda expecting that, Margaret. Go ahead. April: Why does it have to be me? Roger: You have a talent for being scary? April: Hahah. How funny. I'll do it, but you better have a good reason for this. April: YEARGHARRAAGRGH! Chester: KSSSS! Margaret: Dave, I haven't gotten to the creepy part yet... DATE 20010510 SETTING Woods, Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Roger April Chester STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: Are you sure you're okay? Dave: Yeah, this happens to me sometimes. I'm fine now. Please continue. Roger: A-HAAA! Just as I suspected! April: What? Roger: Don't you see? He calmed down almost immediately! April: Yeah, that's odd, but I don't see your point. Roger: That means he has an internal influence that even overrides the enviroment! Roger: Therefore, Dave must be alive. April: My God, Roger. I didn't think Dave's death would make you totally lose it... Roger: Woe to those who can't see the power of irrational logic... DATE 20010511 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger April Chester STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT April: That's almost impossible to believe. Except too many things make sense now... Roger: Exactly. Now, my theory is, if they haven't called they must be in trouble. Roger: Maybe they're lost, or someone's leg is broken, or something. Roger: We have to convince Mike to form a search party. But Dave doesn't want Mike to know about the link with Chester... so we have to think of something else. April: Like what? Roger: Like you pretending you're pyschic and you can track them down. Here, have your personal furry oracle. April: This can really ruin my reputation as the only normal person around... Roger: "Normal"? If we're all freaks and you're normal, you're the freak. DATE 20010513 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: He said he owned your soul??? Margaret: Roger never told you that? Mmh. Maybe he didn't want you to hear it. Anyway, that made me realize some things... Margaret: I don't think I'm a very good person, but still I had the feeling that it had nothing to do with that. I realized that all my life I've been training in combat and survivalism without knowing why. That's when the snake started talking to me.... showing me THINGS. Dave: You had a dream about a snake, too? Margaret: Not a dream. A VISION. A vision of the future... Dave: Your future? Margaret: THE future. It showed me how it's gonna happen. The upcoming war, the disappearance of the nations... Margaret: Death's reign, the Antichrist... the end of it ALL. Margaret: The end of the world. DATE 20010514 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS April Marsha Mike Roger STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT April: The powers from above tell me Dave and Margaret are alive somewhere and they need our help! April: We should form a search party, and... Marsha: That's HORRIBLE. How can you joke about that at a time like this, April??? Mike: Yeah, April, you're the most insensitive, cruel person I've known! Roger: The powers from above tell me there's a psychic in this room! April Mike Marsha: SHUT UP! DATE 20010515 SETTING Post-Apocalypse CHARACTERS Margaret Satan STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: In my dreams, a war started. Not just any war... it turned out to the be the most cruel, ruthless war ever. People and cities went down like flies. It was like the whole world had gona mad... Margaret: I started running away from destroyed city to destroyed city. Margaret: I never thought people were capable of so much HATE... Margaret: And while I saw the world falling apart in front of my eyes, I only had one mission. Margaret: To survive, no matter what. I didn't care if the rest of the people Did. And I was not supposed to care, eitehr. Margaret: To survive, and eventually, to protect my child. DATE 20010518 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: Your child??? Margaret: Well, I don't know if it's actually mine. But how could I abandon him? Dave: But... but that CAN'T happen... Dave: Maybe it's all a lie. Maybe he made it up. Margaret: What if it's not? And does it matter what we believe? Dave: But maybe it's a future that can be changed... Margaret: That's impossible. We can't do a thing to change it. Dave: Why not? Margaret: Don't you understand? Margaret: It's been WRITTEN. DATE 20010522 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger April Mike Marsha STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Roger: A psy-chick, huh? Then how come you're not on TV and swimming in bucks? April: I see LOTS of pain and blood in your near future, Roger... Marsha: Psychic? Hah! She's always losing her keys, for God's sake! Roger: Alright, then prove you're a psychic. What am I thinking now? April: Let's see... you're desperately trying to think of nothing, but wondering at the same time if that counts as a thought. Roger: *GASP!* She IS psychic! Mike: Yeah, right. So what am I thinking, eh? April: My God, Mike... gummi bears in leather underwear? You're SUCH a PERV! Roger: HAH! Mike: Ooh boy. I mean, uh, I wasn't... Marsha: MIKE! DATE 20010523 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: Um, when is this war supposed to start? How much time do we have? Margaret: I don't know. It can be a week or ten years. I have no idea. Dave: Why were you so worried about my safety, then? According to your version of the future I'm pretty toast anyway, right? Margaret: We ALL have to die someday. But I'd rather not SEE you die. Dave: Gee, thanks a lot. I can die as long as my blood doesn't stain your clothes, then. Margaret: What the hell do you know about seeing people die? Everytime I've cared about people I've lost them! Dave: Eeh... Margaret: I don't want to CARE anymore! DATE 20010524 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: Okay, I get your point... but there's no reason to yell at me... Margaret: I'm sorry, Dave. It's just that... it's very hard for me, you know... Dave: I understand. That was a rude remark on my part too... Dave: But I still don't understand why Satan kills the people you love... Margaret: So I don't die trying to protect them. Dave: Aaand... does that mean you kinda love me? Margaret: Uh....? Margaret: LOOK OUT! Dave: AAARGH! DATE 20010525 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: GAH! Margaret: You... you PUSHED the tree aside with you laser vision??? How did you do THAT? Dave: I... I have no idea, I just... Dave: UUH... Margaret: Dave! Are you okay? What's wrong? Dave: Dizzy... Margaret: Come here, sit down for a while... Margaret: That tree had your name on it, Dave. Dave: At least till you pushed me out of its way and put yourself in my place. Margaret: What's that supposed to mean? Dave: That you're gonna have to FIGHT your destiny... because even if you don't want to care, you DO. DATE 20010526 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: I wonder what else you can do with your laser vision thing... Dave: I'm afraid to know. If I really push it, it hurts my eyes, and it makes me feel very weak, too. One of these days I'm gonna have a stroke or blow a vein or something. Dave: Margaret... do you really believe that is your destiny? Do you really believe you can't change it no matter what? Margaret: The way I see it, yes. Why would Satan show it to me if I could change it? Dave: You got a point there... but if it won't change, then why is Satan trying to make us stay apart? Why doesn't he just let things follow their natural course? Margaret: Mh. I don't know. Maybe... maybe by trying to avoid my desting I'm only running to it. DATE 20010527 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Marsha STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Mike: Good news! I could blackmail one of my enemies into lending me his car! Marsha: YAY! I knew you would do it! Marsha: Mike, it's fantastic. I can't believe you actually care about Dave enough to go through all this trouble. I'm proud of you. Mike: Ba-psch. Like it was the first time I saved his little tush. Marsha: Mmh. It's a rescue trip. What do you want your morningstar for? Mike: Just in case we find any car-wrecking, medieval dorks! DATE 20010528 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: Even if destiny could be changed, we are just two mortals. I don't think we're powerful enough to stop the Devil. Dave: You're right. But... Dave: I was thinking about the miraculous shotgun, and last night's firefly, and how that bull could have killed me easily when I was unconscious... Margaret: So you are incredibly lucky. But how long is your luck gonna last? Dave: I'm not talking about luck, Margaret. Whatever it is, we have something on our side... I think... I think we're not alone in this... Margaret: Are you talking about God, Dave? Because I don't believe there is one. DATE 20010529 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Margaret: So don't tell me God is gonna get me out of this one, because He is just not there. Dave: Wait, wait! I do have a reason to believe there's a God... Margaret: Really. Dave: Yeah. You're it. I mean, who but God could create a creatue of such beauty and prefection? Margaret: Will you stop saying those thing? You're ruining my bad mood. Dave: Well, I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true, and if it didn't work everytime! Margaret: Just shut up and walk, okay? DATE 20010530 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: Are we ever getting anywhere? We've been walking for hours and this forest seems endless! Margaret: I know, but we can't stop now. We have to get to the other side of the river and then... Dave: Whoa...! Margaret: You know? Maybe we need a break after all... Dave: Damn! I swear I'm a water magent, or something! DATE 20010531 SETTING River Shore CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: Oh, no. Dave: Uh? Dave: I know what you're thinking. DON'T. Dave: Why not? Dave: Don't you see it? It's not the right time. She's gonna freak out if you do. Dave: It's the right time. Because, you see, we're both ALIVE... Dave: She has too many things in her head now. Don't do it. Dave: But... but aw, just LOOK at her. Now tell me how I'm gonna be able to resist that... Dave: For the first time in your life, use your brains, dammit! She's in a vulnerable state, and you'd be taking advantage of that. Dave: Ow. Maybe. Yeah, it's not right. But... Dave: WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? Dave: Nothing. Just getting closer. Dave: You're gonna KISS HER! Dave: I can't help it. My lips itch. I'm gonna explode if I don't. Dave: You're SOO gonna regret it. Dave: Shh. You're ruining the moment. DATE 20010601 SETTING River Shore CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - The End of it All TEXT Dave: Ugh. I'm sorry. I didn't want to... Margaret: Don't apologizem, it's okay. You just startled me. Dave: Don't make up exuses. You don't want me to kiss you, just say it. Margaret: It's not that. After all, I owe you a kiss anyway, right? Margaret: Why don't you kiss me now? Dave: You rejected me so spontaneously... I don't feel like it anymore. Margaret: Why do you have to make such a big fuss out of it? Dave: You just don't see it, do you? That's just so incredibly depressing. DATE 20010602 SETTING River Shore CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Margaret: You should have asked first. Besides, this is a dangerous place for kissing... Dave: The WORLD is a dangerous place, Margaret. We don't have to be afraid all the time. We're being protected. Margaret: Oh, yeah. You believe THAT, but I believe in things like trees falling on us protected people... Dave: What if it's all a big test of faith or something? Your disbelief could be dangerous, then. Margaret: Speaking of the Devil... I think we should look for a storm shelter. Dave: You know, You are not helping me here... DATE 20010603 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Roger Mike Marsha April Chester STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Mike: Mmh. It seems like a storm is coming. Maybe we should get back to the car. Marsha: Mike, I don't have a squirrel on my head and birds perched on my shoulders for the fun of it. I'm not getting back without my friends. Mike: I'm serious! Forests and thunderstorms don't mix! Marsha: Just another reason to get out of here quickly. Mike: April, are you sure we're on the right track? April: Yeah, I'm sure. Chester: I'm sure I don't know where I am, where I'm going, or what I'm doing! DATE 20010604 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Chester April Roger Mike Marsha "Roger's Mom" STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT April: What's the matter? Chester??? April: CHESTER! COME BACK! CHESTEEEEER! Mike: April, we don't have time to chase that stupid cat a- Roger: Wow, that's some weird thunder... Marsha: Mike... Mike, what's...? Roger: Wha...?? Mike: Mmmmarsh? Marsha: Ahb-b-bh... Mike: RUN... DATE 20010605 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Mike "Roger's Mom" STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Mike: Oh yeah, come closer... I'll show you who's at the top of the food chain here... Mike: Have some pineapple juice, you oversized RAT! Mike: Clang??? Mike: "Micheal Redford Green... died for buying cheap things at garage sales!" DATE 20010606 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS "Roger's Mom" Mike Roger STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Mike: UUGGH! Roger's Mom: Heh heheh! You may be at the top of the food chain, but *I* am on top of my food now! Roger: Mommy??? Roger's Mom: Uh... Roger? Mike: MOMMY???!!! DATE 20010607 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Roger "Roger's Mom" Mike STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Roger: Mom!!! I can't believe it! After what, eight years?? Roger's Mom: Nine. I've been counting them. Mike: Roger, the thing that just tried to kill you is actually your mom??? And I thought I knew everything about scary mothers. Roger: Mmh, Mike, go on and keep looking for Dave Margaret. I'll catch up with you guys later. Mike: Are you sure? I supposed it's okay, as long as you don't invite her for dinner... we're out of Dog Chow. Roger's Mom: RRRRRR... Mike: Geez. Werecoyotes have no sense of humor at ALL. DATE 20010608 SETTING Sunflower Field CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Margaret: YESSS! We did it! We are out of the woods! Who rules? Dave: WE do. Heheheh.... Margaret: And look, there's the road! It's not too far away... let's go! Dave: Uuuh.... Dave: Oh, no. Margaret: What's the matter? Dave: I... I can't do it. I'm NOT going through that field... Margaret: Why not? Dave: Don't you see it? It's full of BEES! DATE 20010610 SETTING Sunflower Field CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Dave: Margaret, I'm mortally allergic to bees. If I get stung just once... we would never get the antidote in time. I'd choke on my own tongue. It almost happened once... Margaret: Mmh. Well, bees don't sting you if don't bother them. Dave: Besides, look, there's the road again! We can go through the woods... Margaret: But it's almost three times the distance! We'll never make it before sunset! Dave: Margaret, I can't do this. I can't go through that field. I know I will die if I do. Margaret: What about all taht faith talk? I thought you said we are being protected. Dave: I'm just afraid. I guess I'm a coward after all... Margaret: Coward??? Don't be silly, you're one of the toughest guys I've ever met... and I've met a lot. Margaret: C'mon, we can do this together. Dave: Do you realize I wouldn't do this for anybody else in the world? Dave: Not my mother, not my father, not even GOD? Margaret: I realize... and you know, Dave, if you can believe I will believe too. For you. Dave: I can't look. Let me know when we're on the other side. Margaret: You better open your eyes Dave... running into a sunflower and swallowing it doesn't sound like a good idea. Dave: I'd better shut my mouth too, then. DATE 20010611 SETTING Sunflower Field CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Margaret: See? Nothing to worry about... Dave: Uh-huh... Margaret: Now if we walk a little faster we will... OW! Dave: Did... did you get...? Margaret: Mh. Yeah. The little sucker... Dave: Okay. Okay, I'm o-o-OUT of here... Margaret: Dave, the worst thing you could do now is... Dave: AH! Margaret: ... DATE 20010612 SETTING Sunflower Field CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Dave: Oh God. It was only a raindrop... Margaret: Dave, I know you're nervous, but please don't scare me like this... Dave: And now it's raining. Great, we're gonna get wet yet AGAIN. Margaret: Yeah, GREAT! Bees can't fly in the rain! This might be our chance to get to the other side! Margeret: Let's go! Last one to the road is an under-ripe banana! DATE 20010613 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Marsha STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Marsha: APRIL! WHERE ARE YOU? Marsha: WE NEED YOUR HELP! Marsha: You know what? Screw it. She would probably just panic... just like me! I should have never let Mike fight that thing alone. Marsha: What do I do? What do I do? Maybe if I get some rocks or a good solid branch, I... Marsha: AAAAARGH! DATE 20010614 SETTING Field CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Margaret: Another freaking river??? I can't believe this! We're SO screwed... Dave: Yeah. Looks like we're gonna have to take the long way after all. Margaret: We'll have to go back to the woods. It's too dangerous to stay here... Dave: This is starting to scare me. Who caused this storm? God or the Devil? Margaret: That answers your question? DATE 20010615 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS April STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT April: Well, this time I did it. I managed to lose Chester, loes my friends, and lose myself. April: YOWWWW! April: Oh. It's just Mike's morningstar. With blood on it. April: Um. Let's just hope Mike rended his garmets and had a nosebleed over the pain of losing his morningstar. DATE 20010616 SETTING Field CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Dave: I don't understand! God saved my from the bees only to kill me by lightning? That doesn't make sense! Margaret: You fool! You still don't get it! Dave: We are playing a game here, and we don't even know the rules? Margaret: Exactly! And if we don't know the rules, WE MAKE OUR OWN! Margaret: Hey, you, whoever you are! Want to strike him? Go ahead, do it! C'mon, two for the price of one, what do you say? Dave: Hey, hey! Do we really need to bait him like that? DATE 20010617 SETTING Field CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Margaret: It's getting worse! Dave: Margaret, we should cover our ears... Margaret: WHAT? Dave: I said we should cover- Dave: Enngh. DATE 20010618 SETTING Field CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Dave: *SIGH* Margaret: Dave? Dave: Mmmmhhhh? Margaret: I've got an idea... Margaret: Let's take off our clothes and have sex. Dave: Can I faint first? DATE 20010619 SETTING Field CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Margaret: As long as we're together lightning can't strike you. So no matter what, hold my hand... Dave: Ma... Margaret. Are you s-sure about this? I... Margaret: Well, I'm sure. But if you are not... Dave: Mn, no, it's just that my heart says yes, and my brain says... eeeouuuiiooouuh. Dave: I swear I've never been so terrified and so happy in my whole life. Margaret: Geez, you're shaking! Am I that terrifying? Dave: No, I mean, this is usually the moment when I wake up. DATE 20010620 SETTING Woods, Hole CHARACTERS Mike Chester Marsha STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Mike: Ah, so THERE you are. I see you're not so dumb. You managed to get yourself out of the rain. Mike: YOu've caused enough trouble already. Chester: KS! Mike: And now you've suddenly gone Cheshire? You're as crazy as your owner. Mike: WE have to look for the others... get in the bag so you don't get wet. Mike: Hey. HEY! What the HELL do you think you're doing? Leave my leg alone, you idiot! Marsha: Mike??? Marsha: MIKE! DATE 20010621 SETTING Woods, Hole CHARACTERS Mike Marsha STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Mike: Marsha? What happened? Marsha: I feel. I think I sprained my ankle.... what about you? Are you okay? Mike: I've had better days, but it doesn't matter. Mike: I'll give you a hand! Marsha: I can't reach it, Mike! Mike: Damn. Okay, I'll just get a little closer... Marsha: Watch out, it's slippery... Mike: Whoa, I didn't think it was THAT slippery. Marsha: I told you. Mike: This was not the most clever thing I've done, was it? Marsha: No. DATE 20010622 SETTING Cave, Roger's House CHARACTERS Roger "Roger's Mom" STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Roger: Nice cave. It reminds me of a friend... Roger's Mom: You're still into geology I see. Roger: Not geology, just a pet rock. Roger's Mom: And I thought you would grow out of your weirdness. Roger: Mom... where have you been all these years? You just disappeared. You didn't even say good-bye. Roger's Mom: Well... do you remember the time you saw me change? Roger: I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that. Roger's Mom: If you're going to steal donuts you're gonna have to be quieter than that, Roger... DATE 20010623 SETTING Roger's House CHARACTERS Roger "Roger's Mom" STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Roger's Mom: Roger, dinner will be ready in half an hour. You can eat a donut after that. Roger: Aw c'mon. Just a little one. I'm starving! Please? Roger's Mom: You'll never grow up big an strong if you keep eating junk food instead of your- Roger's Mom: OW! Roger's Mom: GRRROWL!! Roger: Uuh... no reason to get that mad, I just licked it... DATE 20010624 SETTING Cave CHARACTERS Roger "Roger's Mom" STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Roger: I think now that it was weird. It usually takes ME a lot more pain and blood to trigger a reaction like that... and I can usually hold it back if I'm with otehr people... Roger's Mom: Do you think I'd scare my own child like that because of such a stupid accident? I COULDN'T hold it back. Roger: You couldn't? Does that mean you couldn't change at will? Roger's mom: No. But I was startin to lose control. It was becoming harder and harder to keep the beast inside. And one day... Roger: Mom, you lied to me. You told me I was no like you. Roger's Mom: I know. Roger's Mom: That day I told you you wouldn't become a werecoyote... and I was not lying. I supposed your sister would. It was a mistake. Roger: Mh-h. Roger's Mom: You're not a kid anymore. And you NEED to know... Roger's Mom: One of these days, Roger, you will turn into a werecoyte... and you will not be able to become a human again. EVER. Roger: EVER??? So... soo that's what happened to you? Roger's Mom: Yes. That's why I left and I never came back. DATE 20010625 SETTING Field CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Margaret: Um, Dave? I think we should go back to the woods before it stops raining... Dave: Uh-huh. Just five minutes... Margaret: Oh, alright. *sigh* Dave: What's the matter, honey? Did... did I hurt you? Margate: No. But, uh, have you ever done soemthing that made perfect sense at the moment and later realized it didn't? Dave: Don't tell me it doesn't make any sense to you... it should. Because we love each other so much. Don't we? Am I wrong? Margaret: Well, I... Dave: PLEASE. Don't tell me I'm wrong... DATE 20010626 SETTING Field CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Dave: Everything was going perfect... Margaret: No, you see... we were setting the rules. The more the devil wants to keep us apart, the closer we get... Dave: Rules??? Margaret: But I realized now... of every reason we could have to be together, "the devil made me do it" doesn't sound like a good one. Dave: We were... setting... Margaret: Dave, I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. Lately it's like you read my mind, and I assumed you knoew... Dave: The only rule I'd like to chagne is the one that says you have to rip my heart out and put it through the meat grinder EVERY time. DATE 20010627 SETTING Field CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Margaret: Please try to understand, Dave. The last hours have been a hellish nightmare. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling for you is love, or if I'm just desperate for someone to hold on to... that would not be fair. Dave: As unfair as having sex with me and saying it meant nothing. Margaret: I'm sorry. Dave: If you say you're sorry ONE more time, I'm gonna scream. Margaret: I can tell you a lie if that's gonna make you feel better. Dave: No. It's not your fault. I'm just disappointed at the world... Dave: One minute you're the happiest guy in this world, the next you're abismally sad and you feel like your head is gonna... Dave: ...fall off. .. .. Margaret: Dave??!! DATE 20010628 SETTING Field CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Margaret: What's the matter? WHAT? Dave: I... I don't know... Dave: I've been feeling funny for a while now... Margaret: You're running a fever. Maybe your wounds are infected. Dave: Great. I suppose this is the cheese on the cracker. Margaret: We need to get you medical attention quick... Dave: What for? Margaret: What for??? Fevers are very dangerous. If it goes up too high... Dave: So what? Living is WAY overrated. I think I'll just take a nap here. Margaret: A nap, my whiskers! We're getting you to the road even if I have to DRAG you! Dave: Gooood luck. DATE 20010629 SETTING Hole CHARACTERS Mike Marsha April STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Mike: ACK! DAMMIT! Mike: This just doesn't work. I can't jump higher, and it's too slippery... Marsha: What... what if we can't get out? Mike: We'll just have to think of something else... it's not like the solution is gonna fall from the sky... April: AAAAAAAAH! DATE 20010630 SETTING Hole CHARACTERS April Mike Marsha STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT April: AAAAAAAAAAHHH Mike: April, calm down! Marsha, why won't she stop screaming like a BANSHEE? Marsha: I don't know, I've never seen her like this! April: Mike is DEAD, I found is morningstar! And Roger is dead, I found his sneakers! Everybody is dead! I found that friggin' HUGE pile of human bones!!! Marsha: Mmh... yeah, April. Now, if you stand on Mike's shoulders and you help us out of here, we can get you a niiiiiiice white long-sleeved jacket... DATE 20010701 SETTING Field CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Margaret: NGGGH! Dave, c'mon! Please! We can't give up now! Dave: Mmh. Margaret: Dave, you're not even trying! Dave: I'm c-cold... Margaret: Are you even listening to me? Dave: So cold... Margaret: My God... you're boilding. I don't like this. Your temperature is raising too fast.... Margaret: It'll be dark pretty soon. What do we do? You can't walk, and you can't spend another night out here with a fever that high. Margaret: Unless... Margaret: Dave? I don't want to leave you alone, but we need to get you help. I'm gonna run to the road and then I'll come back for you. Dave: ...freezing... Margaret: I know. Try to get some sleep. Okay? Dave: Mmh. Margaret: When did I start believing he was different from everybody else? Margaret: When did I start believing he had a chance? DATE 20010702 SETTING Cave CHARACTERS Roger "Roger's Mom" STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Roger's Mom: You haven't said anything in a while. Why are you so shocked? Except for the people you'll leave behind, you won't miss being a person at ALL. Roger: Mom, you just told me my destiny is to become a muppet for the rest of my life. What did you expect??? Roger's Mom: MUPPET??? AHAHAHAH! Roger, how many times have you turned into a werecoyote? Roger: Three. Maybe four. Why? Roger's Mom: My child... you're only starting to fell your power. Believe me, sooner or later you'll change on the inside as well. You'll just be a coyote trapped in the hide of a person. And you'll be HAPPY to escape. DATE 20010703 SETTING Cave CHARACTERS Roger "Roger's Mom" STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Roger: Mom, come with me. I'll hide you somewhere, and maybe later can tell Dad... Roger's Mom: I can't I can't control my desire for blood when there's people around. Roger: Uuh? You mean, you actually KILL people? Roger's Mom: What do you think I was doing when I bit your shoulder? You're lucky you have such a crazy suicidal friend... Roger: How... how...? Roger's Mom: People are the laziest, best-fed cattle in the world. When was the last time you felt remorse over eating a burger? Roger: People. My God, Mom... PEOPLE??? Roger's Mom: In fact, you better get your friends out of the woods quick. The smell of their blood is driving me crazy... and if I got crazy, you won't be able to stop me. Roger's Mom: I'm way stronger than you. Roger: Mom... you're a monster. And I swear, I am NEVER gonna be like you. Roger's Mom: You already are. Don't hate yourself for it... you can't help it. Roger: NO! Roger's Mom: You'll be back. Remember my words... and be ready to let go. DATE 20010704 SETTING Field CHARACTERS Margaret Dave Satan STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Margaret: AGAIN??? Margaret: You dam river! I HATE YOU! Margaret: Too much. Margaret: This is just too much... Margaret: YOU! Satan: What? Satan: I'm only making sure he's having nice dreams.... DATE 20010705 SETTING Field CHARACTERS Margaret Satan Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Margaret: Get off him. Satan: Or what? You're gonna stab me with your miraculous swiss knife? Margaret: I'll slit my throat. You know I will. Satan: Then you both die. How poetic... Margaret: What the hell do you want, snake? Isn't all the things you've done to us enough? Satan: Someone should give me a medal... if I wasn't around, who would you blame every time dumb humans get in trouble? Satan: I just wanted to help you. No one else will. No one is listeniung up there, Margaret... stop being foolish. Satan: I could save him, you know. I could close his wounds, make the fever go away... I could even make him forget you used him and broke his heart... Margaret: I didn't use him... I... Satan: Really, what were you thinking? That you wouldn't bear my child just because you are not a virgin anymore? Please. I'm not like the Other Guy... Margaret: Shut up. I won't listen to you. Satan: I see. You're right. So basically you're gonna let him die because you can't do what it takes to save him. Satan: It's a lot easier to die for someone than giving up your life for them, isn't it? DATE 20010706 SETTING Field CHARACTERS Satan Margaret Dave STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Margaret: That was your plan all the time, wasn't it? You let hime get closer and closer... knowing that I'd never surrender just to save myself. Satan: Every turn you take leads to me. So, want to brin your little friend along for the ride, or will you just leave him to the buzzards? Margaret: Damn you. Okay, let's make a deal. Margaret: I sit here and what him die. Margaret: YOU go to HELL! Margaret: Forgive me, Dave. I just couldn't do it. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. Margaret: I'm so sorry we never had a chance... DATE 20010707 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Roger Mike Marsha April STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Roger: To become or not to become... Marsha: Aack! April! You're stepping on my head! April: Well, stop squirming! How am I supposed to keep my balance? Mike: If just ONE of you guys falls on me... Roger: Say, what are you...? OOOOH! Mud rasslin'! Can I join? Marsha: Mh, okay, but you have to get us out afterwards. April: Weren't you dead? Mike: I can't hear you. Come down and whisper into my tentacle. DATE 20010709 SETTING Woods CHARACTERS Mike Roger Marsha Chester April STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Roger: Well, being a werecoyote and being able to jump really high comes in handy sometimes. Mike: Indeed. But we're gonna have to abort this trip. Mike: Marsha sprained her ankle, and look at us... Roger: Eeh... we can't Don't tell the girls, but my mom is out to get human steak, and she doesn't know Dave and Margaret are my friends. We can't leave without them. Mike: How can you be so sure they're around here? Roger: Trust me on this one. Mike: Are you sure you can walk, Marsha? Marsha: I can walk if you help me. April: Wait, wait! I'm not crazy! The pile of bones is that way... Roger: Now, now. We don't have time to take pictures... so walkey walkey... DATE 20010710 SETTING Field CHARACTERS Margaret Chester Dave April Mike Roger Marsha STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Margaret: Chester!!!??? Margaret: April??? My God, I'm GLAD to see you! How did you find us? April: We heard about the accident on the news! Mike: Ba-pssch. I came all the way down here to kill the guy and he's already half dead. Hey, fuzzface, think you can carry him to the car. Roger: Sure I can, blimp-for-a-nose... Roger: Are you gonna tell us what happened? Margaret: It's a looong story.... Mike: Well, it's a LONG way home... DATE 20010711 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Mike: Heey, look who woke up after two days! And just in time for a little chate about my car... Dave: Oh man. So that's why I ws dreaming about vultures... Mike: So, want some pineapple juice? Dave: If by "pineapple juice" you mean "Death by Morningstar", then no, thanks. Mike: Well, it certainly has that double meaning, but what if I'm talking about something to drink. Dave: Wait a minute... how do I know this is actually pineapple juice? Mike: (musically) Seems like you're gonna haveto te-rrrust meeee.... Dave: Forget it. I hate pineapple juice anyway. DATE 20010712 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Dave: C'mon Mike... cut the crap. If you're gonna kill me about your car, do it now while I'm still too apathic and weak to care. Mike: Kill you? Boy, that would be TOO easy, wouldn't it? Mike: Besides, that's not the case. Here, read the newspaper's note about the accident. Dave: *sigh* yeah, okay, whatver... Dave: There was a corpse in the trunk??? Mike: That was a veeery nice trick. Pretend to lose a car in a poker game to get rid of a body. Ee-yep, that one' going into my notebook... DATE 20010713 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Dave: Where is Margaret? Mike: She's sleeping. She spend the night watching over you... AAAAAAW! Dave: Wow. She did? Mike: Yeah, and after all the things you babbled, she just had to tell us everything... Dave: E...everything??? Mike: AHA! RED! So apparently NOT everything! Dave: GET OUT! Mike: Okay, okay! Geez, one would think you'd be less grumpy after THAT... DATE 20010714 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Dave: I heard you watched over me last night. Thank you. Margaret: Well, I was worried, Dave. You almost didn't make it. We had to soak you in that river to cool you down. Dave: It's a good thing I don't remember anything. Margaret: You know? Back in the woods, when you were dying, the Devil offered to save your life... Dave: WHAT? Margaret, you DIDN'T make a deal with him, RIGHT? Margaret: No. But I ALMOST did, Dave. Almost. Margaret: Who knows what he will do to you in the future? I don't know if I'm gonna have the strength next time. Margaret: You deserve better than this, Dave. Dave: Margaret, I will decide what I deserve. Not you. Margaret: And for what? Just one day together and I broke your heart. Do you still love me, even after that? Dave: Yes I do! Can't you see it? Margaret: Yes, I can see you're at least convinced you do. Margaret: You know what you told me last night? You told me I was your worse eneymy. Because I wouldn't take you but I wouldn't let you go eithe. Dave: I was babbling. Margaret: It's the same thing you told me under the truth serum. Dave: Oh, I can see where you're going with all this... Margaret: You don't love me, Dave. I just have you trapped. And I don't want that. DATE 20010715 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Roger STORYLINE The Adversary - Gone With the Storm TEXT Margaret: I'm just saying that we shouldn't rush ourselves. We don'teven know each other. I have to be sure of what I'm feeing, and I want you to be sure too... okay? Dave: *sigh* Okay. I guess you're right. But it's disappointing how real life is a lot more practical than romantic, isn't it? Dave: Mmmph? Dave: Wha... what was THAT? Margaret: Your good-night kiss, silly! Dave: But I thought I already had... Margaret: Who's counting? Roger: 105??? My God, you're DYING, man! Dave: Oooooh yeah. DATE 20010716 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Roger Steve Waldo STORYLINE The Devil's Avocado TEXT Dave: At least I got some hope from my date. But it's still kind of unfair. No matter how much you love someone they don't always love you back. Roger: I don't want to play Devil's avocado here, but where did you get that idea? Fairy tales? Dave: You mean Devil's ADVOCATE. Roger: No, I really don't want to play Devil's avocado. I mean, you're an avocado! You're evil and everything, and you still get no respect! Steve: DId you hear that Waldo? Those dorks fround the Devil's avocado! It must be OURS! Waldo: YES!!! And then we'll make the guacamole of DOOM! DATE 20010717 SETTING Hall, Classroom CHARACTERS Steve Waldo "Mr. Dover" Mike Dave Roger Chester STORYLINE The Devil's Avocado TEXT Steve: Excellent catnapping! Now to get the others! Waldo: Would you believe it? It fell for the same trick we used last time! Mr. Dover: Before you leave... I'll have a minor surgery next week, so... Dave: AAAAAAH! Everyone: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!! Mr. Dover: Aw, looks like somone is actually worried about me... DATE 20010718 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE The Devil's Avocado TEXT Dave: This place is a mess! Mike: Duh. It's ALWAYS a mess. Dave: But now even MY stuff is a mess! Roger: Okay. Either we get rid of the mountain of garbage or we get scarecrows. The buzzards are always stealing my socks. Mike: "Dear idiots: If you ever want to see your pets again, give us the avocado. Love, Waldo and Steve." Hehehe. Dave: WHAT??? THat's not funny! Mike: Of course it's funny. Look, they cut out magazines to make the notes and then they went and signed with their names. Roger: Seems that "idiots" included you, Mike. Dave: But he doesn't have a pet! Oh, wait a sec... do you mean...? Roger: Ee-yep. The remote's missing. Mike: The BASTARDS! DATE 20010719 SETTING Steve and Waldo's apartment CHARACTERS Steve Waldo Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE The Devil's Avocado TEXT Steve: Hey, do you guys EVER knock on doors? Were you raised in a barn or what? Dave: There you are! I bet you're the half-brain cell behind this, aren't you? Mike: I was raised in a barn. And I used to make pigs SQUEAL. Roger: If I detect the slightlest erosion on Fluffy I'm gonna get hair around here... Waldo: Pfft! Dave: All right! I want my cat, NOW! Steve: Not so fast, laser boy. You can't do a thing to me, you know... as we're speaking, your cat is in a bag somewhere, running out of air. Steve: Which already killed it once. And if it happens again, well, we know what's gonna happen to you, don't we? Dave: How... how the hell do you know about... Steve: Duh. We were like, HERE when it happened? Mike: What's that supposed to mean? Dave: Er... DATE 20010720 SETTING Steve and Waldo's apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Dave Steve STORYLINE The Devil's Avocado TEXT Mike: All right, I'm waiting for an explanation... Dave: THere's nothing to explain! I just want my cat to live, that's all! Roger: HEY, MIKE. PAY ATTENTION TO THE DISTRACTION, MAN! Mike: I mean, isn't your soul-cat thing just merely emotional? Dave: You KNOW about the soul thing??? Geez, is there any way to keep a secret around here? Mike: Sure it is. A piece of advice: DON'T mumble in your sleep, man. Mike: I admit it was amusing to pretend I didn't, but... Roger: Bah.... Steve: Hey, can we save the bedroom stories for later and start the avocado negotiations? DATE 20010721 SETTING Steve and Waldo's apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Steve Roger STORYLINE The Devil's Avocado TEXT Mike: Now Steve, let's see if you can give ME a reason to not hurt you... Dave: But what about my cat??? Steve: Yeah, what he said... Mike: This is no good cop/bad cop routine, Dave... Steve: Look, just give us the avocado and we'll give you your pets. Dave: Avocado? Did you smoke blue mushrooms or what? Steve: Don't play innocent. We know you guys found the Devil's Avocado. Mike: This.... this is outrageously reidiculous! Dave: Roger, tell this nut there's no such thing as a Devil's Avocado. Roger: Actually, the Devil's Avocado is supposed to be a low-fat snack that give you extremely evil powers. Dave: WAHT??? Oh no, you too? Roger: Don't ask. DATE 20010722 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Steve STORYLINE The Devil's Avocado TEXT Dave: Look, Steve. If I HAD that avocado you want, I'd just give it to you, okay? But I don't! And it's not my cat's fault! Steve: You *break* my heart. Sorry, no avocado, no pets. Mike: Mmmh, guys? I say it's time we stop pretending we don't have the Devil's Avocado... they are too smart for us! Dave: Mike, what the HELL are you talking abouOOOWW! Roger: And I haven't said a thEEEENG! Mike: You stay here, I'll be right back with the Avocado. Roger: Are you really gonna give it to them? These dorks are gonna unleash Doomsday! Dave: ??? Steve: And NO tricks! I'm watching every move you make, hentai boy! DATE 20010724 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger Chester Fluffy Steve Waldo STORYLINE The Devil's Avocado TEXT Steve: THAT'S IT? Doesn't look very evil... Mike: Look, man, NEVER diss the Devil's Avocado or the Council of Evil will make you swallow a bat's head. Steve: So that's what happened to Ozzy? Mike: Yeah. Then he became a junkie... Roger: The coyote. Hand it over! Waldo: I think Yog-sototh is happier here. Besides, we're keeping it as a hostage for our protection. Roger: WHAT? Chester: KS! Waldo: You'll find it at your door later. Now good-bye. Roger: Way to go, Mike. Not only are they holding Pepe as a hostage, they ALSO have the Devil's Avocado! Mike: Ba-pssch. Do you think they're gonna do anything with it? Adter all, they're too wimpy for the Ritual! Steve: Hold it. What ritual? DATE 20010725 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Chester Roger Mike Steve Waldo Fluffy STORYLINE The Devil's Avocado TEXT Mike: BWAHAHA! You don't know about the Ritual? Then what do you want the Devil's Avocado for??? Waldo: Um... Guacamole of Doom, maybe? Steve: Shut up, Waldo... all right, smarty, if you know so much, endarken us about the Ritual... Dave: Mike, can't we just go home? Mike: Well, I got my remote... so what's in it for me? Steve: Yeah, but we still have the coyote! Tell us about the Ritual or we'll, um, set it on fire! Roger: NOOOOOOOO!!!! DATE 20010726 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Steve Waldo STORYLINE The Devil's Avocado TEXT Mike: Fine. I'm gonna tell you, but you have to give me the coyote, and you better write it down 'cause I'm only allowed to say it once. Steve: Ooh! Waldo, get our evil notebook... Mike: All right... first, you gotta shave your entire body... Mike: Then you paint yourselves green and run naked in the streets hollering "I am ONE with the Avocado!" Steve: What kind of stupid ritual is THAT??? Mike: Not manly enough for you huh? There's an alternate one that involves testicle piercing... Steve: Never mind. DATE 20010727 SETTING Steve and Waldo's Apartment CHARACTERS Steve Waldo Mike Pepe Fluffy Roger Chester Dave STORYLINE The Devil's Avocado TEXT Steve: So after all that idiotic and painful stuff we have to stand on our heads for three days??? C'mon... Mike: Well, sorry, I don't make the rules! And don't forget the enema, it's VERY important! Waldo: Good-bye, Yog-sototh! Dave: Pfft! Mike, I know they probably deserved it, but that was still very cruel. Mike: Man, if I can't be cruel to my enemies, what the hell do I want them for??? Roger: I wish you wouldn't have mentioned the testicle piercing thing, Mike. That one really works, you know... DATE 20010730 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Pinkerton Rikk Shanna Katherine Alisin Shaggy "Scooby Doo" STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Dave: I have this odd feeling someone's following us. Mike: You're being paranoic again. Roger: And you're being paranoic about Dave being paranoic... Dave: DID YOU SEE THAT??? Mike: See what, man? WHAT? Roger: If this was a movie, now one of us would go wandering alone and get caught by the psycho in the hockey mask. Dave: Oh DAMN! I forgot my physics book in the cafeteria! Dave: SLAP! Mike: If the psycho gets you, I'm gonna sell Chester to the hot dog man. Roger: NOT funny! You should always believe Hollywood! Pinkerton: The kids... The KIDS... Pinkerton: The kids are not all right... Pinkerton: The kids... schooled me... those nosey kids and their meddling drugs... Pinkerton: I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. Pinkerton: Wait! NOW I remember! It's all coming back to me! I've got amnesia! Bottle: AMNESIA PILLS for stress relief Pinkerton: I took the PILL! I think... Pinkerton: But one of the kids wasn't a kid... in fact, she was more of a pill... Pinkerton: And the pill took me! Pinkerton: I was taking pills because I didn't catch something... Pinkerton: Catch the KIDS. Pinkerton: Catch the kids and everything will make sense... Pinkerton: THERE!!! DATE 20010731 SETTING Park CHARACTERS Dave Pinkerton STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Dave: Huh! A penny! Dave: "Find a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck" Dave: ...unless some glue shall stick it up, in which case your whole life is.... Dave: YAAAAAAAAA!!! Dave: MUCKED! Dave: GRRRR.... Pinkerton: HA HA! OBERF! Your luck SUCKS! Dave: Whoa, someone comes out of nowhere to make MY attempts at poetry look GOOD. Dave: I can feel the luck building already... Pinkerton: Ha HA! YOU! Youuu. Youuuuuuuuu. Pinkerton: Youuu thought you were safe from me because your hair was BROWN, didn't you? You... brown-scalper! Dave: Look, guy, I don't know what your problem is... and I've met a lot of guys with problems... Dave: but you picked the WORST guy to pick on right now. Pinkerton: Ooh yeah! Speech! SPEEEECH! Dave: Well, come to think of it, Mike is seventeen different kinds of evil... Roger would melt what little brain you've got left, just by talking to you... and attacking Marsha... BRRR... or Margaret... BRRR... okay, so I'm the second-best guy to pick on, after April... but that's not the point! Pinkerton: FAH! You won't get out of this by using code-names for your little friends! I know your real name, Ri... Ri... Pinkerton: Richie Rich! Dave: ... Pinkerton: And once you're safely locked in a safe, the F.I.B.'s super-secret government stuff will be secret again! Dave: ... Pinkerton: But SHHH! That's a SECRET! DATE 20010801 SETTING Park CHARACTERS Dave Pinkerton STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Dave: Dammit all, I DON'T deserve this... Pinkerton: Gimme a P! Gimme an I! Gimme an N! Gimme a K! Gimme an E! Dave: I visit animal shelters, I play with babies... I'm a friggin' nice guy, all right? Pinkerton: Gimme an R! Gimme a T! Gimmer an O! Gimme an N! What's that spell? Pinkerton: My name! Which is... uh, which is... Dave: "Ash." Crowd: WAIOH! Look out! Run! Act casual! Not again! I hate this campus. Pinkerton: This isn't going the way it's supposed to! But wait! Nothing goes the way it's supposed to with these guys! So it is going the way it's supposed to! And now I'm supposed to lose, which means I'll win! Woman: Hey! Pinkerton: Yay me! Woman's Clothes: SHHRRIPP Dave: GUH.. Pinkerton: GHOOF! Pinkerton: FRAKKK DATE 20010802 SETTING Park CHARACTERS Dave Pinkerton Margaret April Marsha Alisin Shanna Will STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Dave: GAAAAHHH! Dave: GNNNNN! NNNNN! April: Hey, Dave. We heard something about "laser vision in the park" so we figured it was either you or a really down-on-his-luck optometrist. Dave: You got to HELP me, April! I think I KILLED this guy! Marsha: Whoa! YOU? Marsha: Pfft. He's not dead. Margaret: You... always squinch your eyes when you shoot right AT somebody, Dave. You've got more self-control than you think... April: Still, can we get 'im out of the open? The cops in this town already know us by sight... Dave: Are you okay? I didn't mean to hurt you... I'm very sorry... Pinkerton: GLGLGLGLG Margaret: All right, spit, you little weasel! Who are you and why are you trying to kill Dave? C'mon, I'm running out of PATIENCE here! Pinkerton: You're... wrong... Margaret: Oh, so you weren't trying to kill him? Do you put homemade traps on campus for the FUN of it? Dave: What's this about the F.B.I.? Pinkerton: You're all ALL wrong... Pinkerton: You're supposed to be wearing pancake makeup... Pinkerton: You're supposed to be really skinny... April: Hey! Pinkerton: And you're supposed to be a guy... Margaret: HEY!!! Pinkerton: You're... not the ones, are you? Owww... April: Maybe he 'scaped from an asylum? Margaret: With THAT suit? Oh, I know! He's a stoned yuppie! Dave: Except that trap wasn't homemade... and if he is F.B.I. then me, Roger and Mike might be in trouble again... Margaret: No, Dave, if they're after you... Can: PSHHH Margaret: three... April: Marsha... her nostrils are flaring again... I'm... afraid... Margaret: then THEY just fell into an OCEAN of trouble. With weights tied to their feet. DATE 20010803 SETTING Boys' Apartment, Lecture Hall CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Pinkerton Will Rikk Katherine Rumy Tim Shanna Alisin STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Mike: Oooh. So taking my convertible wasn't enough, huh? What do I have to do to make you guys leave me alone? My guess is that I have to HURT you... Dave: I don't htink he's working alone. If we hurt him, we have to hurt everybody else, right? Mike: Fine with me. I'm an endless source of pain. I'm like the Perpetual Whup-ass Machine, except I don't take lunch breaks. Roger: Well, when you take a closer look at him, he looks harmless. But nerdy anyway. Pinkerton: Tentacles... lasers... eyes... freaks... should be put behind a glas... Mike: Freaks??? I'll put a glass up YOUR behind! Dave: Violence is not gonna make him more coherent, Mike. Mike: It's obviously a trick. He's playing crazy to avoid my questions. Roger: Wow, this guy would be damn good at a nonsense contest. Mike: Oh wait. I know of a way to make him talk. Dave: Not the truth serum AGAIN. Mike: It's either the truth serum or the high-pitch singing. I'll let you guys pick. Arrow: Reality-warping smile Roger: Mr. Hand and Fluffy and Pepe and me vote for the serum. Sorry Dave, you're outnumbered. Pinkerton: ACK! Pinkerton's watch: Sproing! Will, Rikk, Katherine, Tim: YOU? Katherine: What are you doing here, Shanna? Katherine: This is... you know... the meeting, where people you don't like do things you don't like to do. Shanna: My latest... assignment. The paper's convinced I'm the Jane Goodall for you people. Shanna: Trust me, I'll just sit here and lur... and sit. Quietly. Will: The room still feels contaminated. Alisin: Ah, let 'er stay. This'll be innerestin'. 'Specially when we show Tim's movie... Tim: Actchally, "Hackerz" ain't hack-n-slash. Not that there's anythin' wrong with hack-n-slash, but this is more a movie about information wars between individuals an' authorities. Tim: It's an important flick. Real important. Rikk: You're sketching again. Rumy: Yes. Rikk: Haven't seen you doing that since, you know... Rumy: You can say it. Rikk: Since the big break-up. Rumy: You noticed. Rikk: Well... yeah. Who wouldn't? DATE 20010804 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger Pinkerton April Margaret Marsha STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Dave: This... this guy's gotta be JOKING. Mike: You can't joke under the effect of truth serum, Dave. Dave: C'mon... a secret society trying to capture us and use our powers to take control of the government??? Mike: Makes sense. At least, it's a possibility. Roger: And if they were trying to protect us, why'd they send such a scrawny little guy? Dave: Yeah right. And why would the FBI protect us? We barely escaped alive last time. Mike: We didn't escape, they let us go. It's a big difference. I suppose the government probably wouldn't want to acknowledge our existence... but if our powers are used for something illegal... Roger: What? Mike: Well, they could try to prevent us being captured, or they could try to eliminate us themselves. Dave: AHA! And how do we know it's not the second? Mike: For one thing: the truth serum. It's not guaranteed to work, yeah, but it makes it very hard to lie. Dave: I should know... Pinkerton: BURRRRRP Dave: Hey, you okay over there? Pinkerton: Much better... Pinkerton: DEFINITELY much better... Dave: Ooh, no. Don't listen to him. He thinks we can break into a meeting room and start shooting at innocent people... Marsha: they want to use you for their evil domination plan and you call them INNOCENT? April: Mike, are you SURE that guy you the truth? What if it's a trap? Maybe this is too rushed... Mike: We can go after them NOW or we can wait for them to get us one by one. They're SEVEN PEOPLE. We're outnumbered, but our powers should overcome them easily. Roger: Right. What am I supposed to do? BLINK them to death? Margaret: Don't forget the weapons. We have enough weapons to take over several small countries. Dave: Margaret... PLEASE don't tell me you're gonna kick down the door... Margaret: Hey, that's a darn good idea. The element of surprise... Dave: ...carrying your loose-trigger grenade launcher... Margaret: Of course not, silly. Grenades are only for outdoors. Instead, an uzi or two, a shotgun, some small weapons... and yeah, can't forget the AMMO! Mmh. AND bullet-proof vests. Dave: GNNNNN... Mike: 'Kay. Their meeting room has two parallel exits... we could use a smoke bomb... Margaret: Then we pick 'em off as they come out... Marsha: Or seal OFF the exits and trap them like rats... April: Or slap them, yell "Tag!" and run like hell. Roger: Bad idea! Secret societies ALWAYS have secret passages in their secret hide-outs. Dave: Yeah, and then they'd get off the hook AND know we're after them. Brilliant plan. Marsha: And if all else fails, April can BORE them to death. April: Oh, haaaa-hahahahaha-hahaha-hahahah... Mike: Bah. Do we really NEED a plan? I say we just get down there are kick their butts good! Margaret: Hey, I LIKE that idea... after all, weapons, laser beams, tentacles, werecoyotes... can you say PANIC, boys and girls? Roger: P-PANIC. DATE 20010805 SETTING Lecture Hall CHARACTERS April Marsha Margaret Roger Dave Mike Tim Dave Will Pinkerton Shanna Rikk Alisin Katherine Rick STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Tim: Actchally, "HackerZ" ain't hack-n-slash. Not that there's anythin' wrong with hack-an-slash... April: Do I really want to know why you have that listening device? Marsha: This is DIFFERENT from ex-boyfriend stuff, April! I'm stalking for great justice now! Roger: No, and furthermore, no! I'm declaring this "National Don't-Turn-Into-A-Werecoyote" Day! Mike: I already declared it "Don't-Fight-Big-Bruisers-While-Your-Werecoyote-Friends-Hide-Behind-Doors Day". Do you want to insult my religion? Dave: Um, elbow... Pinkerton: I liked the voices in my head BETTER than this. Margaret: Hey, can we go HURT someone now or what? Marsha: In juuuuuust a... Rikk: I call this meeting to disorder! Marsha: They're ii-iin! Margaret: Let's go. Rikk: Other business: No larping or lazer tag this weekend. I think most of us are pretty tired after becoming the latest secret arm of the United States Government... Tim: Woohoo! Down with Th' Establishment! Woohoo! ...yeah, a little tired. Margaret: WHOK! Margaret: FREEZE! Rikk: Will, I SAID no role-playing during the meeting... Margaret: I SAID FREEZE! Margaret: Okay. NOW you can run like hell. Gun: BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA BUDDA Shanna: Shooting wide... Margaret: Da--? Board: WHACK Rikk: Tim! Block a door! DATE 20010806 SETTING Lecture Hall CHARACTERS Dave April Mike Roger Will Rumy Marsha Margaret Tim Alisin Rikk STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Dave: zzap! Margaret: OOF! Dave: I don't believe it! They're taking her ON! We gotta her her! April: Wow, that's guy's like, the EVIL Dave. Some kind of "NegaDave" or something. Mike: You heard him, Roger... Mike: Get IN there. Mike: IT'S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO AFTER YOU INSULTED THAT GUY'S MOTHER! Rumy: Ugh! Mike: HEY! Rumy: Hang on, Rikk! Marsha: You don't want to go out this dooooor... do you? Marsha: That would make me... sad. Tim: Um... I know I had a reason for goin' here... Tim: Eyes... eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes eyes... Marsha: No, you diiidn't! *giggle* *flutter* Dave: Whoa! Not like THAT, Mike! You're gonna KILL the guy! Tim: IIGH! Mike: "Kill him... don't kill him..." You know, even if I WANTED to be good, guys like you keep changing the stupid RULES. Rikk: KATH! GET SHANNA OUT! Dave: I MEAN it, Mike. Let. Him. GO. Mike: Who died and made YOU Grand Poobah Keenspotter? Rumy: The way he LOOKS... the way he ordered that STRONGER boy... he must be this gang's LEADER. Roger: BRUTALITY! BRUTALITY! Will: YOU attacked US! Rumy: He's not Rikk... He's not Rikk... Margaret: DON'T YOU TOUCH HIM! DATE 20010807 SETTING Lecture Hall CHARACTERS Shanna Katherine Marsha April Rikk Alisin Mike Rumy Margaret Roger Will STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Marsha: Hi. I'm with the Sisters of Pain! Would you like some of our literature? Katherine: Other door, Shanna. Marsha: You know, pain has a long and fascinating history. Take the Middle Ages-- Katherine: I've read up. Marsha: OWW! Marsha: WHACK! April: I'm giving you ONE chance to surrender... Shanna: Mmmh... okay! Shanna: Juuust... gonna... sit... this one out. Ayup. Yup yup yup yup YUP. April: ? Shanna: Wouldn't want you to think I'm DANGEROUS... Rikk: RU! Roger: AARGH! AARGH! Will: But I haven't even HIT you yet! Roger: RRRIP Will: WHAK Margaret: Leg shot... adjust for distance... MOVE, APRIL... Alisin: SNAP! DATE 20010808 SETTING Lecture Hall CHARACTERS April Katherine Shanna Margaret Roger Will Mike Rikk Alisin Dave STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Katherine: KWAK! April: NKK! Katherine: Okay, Shanna, get up. Shanna: I can't. I surrendered. Isn't that, you know, like being frozen in freeze tag? Roger: BUMP Will: GNN! Alisin: Yo, she-bitch. Let's go. Alisin: Now this is just physical, swwetcheeks. Don' think we're goin' STEADY. Roger: WHAKK Rikk: HFFF HWUFF Alisin: SLABUMP Alisin: GUHHH Alisin: NUCCCH DATE 20010809 SETTING Lecture Hall CHARACTERS Margaret Alisin Mike Will Dave Rikk Roger STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Margaret: Hmph. Pinkerton said YOU were the worst of the LOT. "Worst" SOMETHING, I guess. Alisin: Ugh... Margaret: C'mooon, get up. The fun is only beginning... Alisin: Gawrsh, that leg looks a little stiff... I wonder why? Will: Farger... fair fight... I'd take you... Mike: Yeah, yeah, and Gore won the election. Get OVER it. Margaret: ARRAGH! Margaret: MU(CENSORED)UP CORPSE (CENSORED) BIT (CENSORED) VOMITING (CENSORED) LEECHES!!! Alisin: Please! My virgin EARS! Alisin: Ooh, if looks could kill... Dave: zzzzzz Dave: FRAAAKKK Margaret: Yeah! BLAST HER ASS TO BURNT NEWSPAPER! Rikk: Hey, TEEN CYCLOPS! Your cartoon SUCKS! Dave: HNNN Dave: KA-ZAP DATE 20010810 SETTING Lecture Hall CHARACTERS Rikk Dave Mike Katherine Shanna Pinkerton STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Rikk, Dave: WHOA! Dave: BUMP! Rikk: NARG! Rikk: WHACK! Dave: UGH! Dave: SHWOK! Rikk: NGH! Rikk: THUD! Dave: Mmgh! Rikk: Y'll have t' do better'n'at... I been beaten up by all KINDS a'monsters... heck, my WIFE's jurt me worse'n you... Dave: ... Rikk, Dave: KLUNK Katherine: Down to you and ME, pretty much. Mike: You and me? Are you dure? Katherine: What do y Mike: Just ME, you mean. Katherine: Oh, haha. Enough feints, squid boy. Get out here before I blow off both your "tentacles." Mike: Bluffing, bluffing, I KNOW you're bluffing... Mike: I hope. Katherine: He's gonna be SO easy... Katherine: Are you mutated enough to dodge bullets? I'll give you ten seconds to run. 10. 5. 1. Katherine: Dammit, he saw it coming! Katherine: SWOOSH Katherine: Scared ya, huh? Hehe... Mike: Mmh, this is not working AT ALL... I wonder if she has any buttons I can push to my advantage... Mike: Oh, I'm scared. But since I like cheap thrills, why don't you stop hiding behind the table and let me REALLY have it? Bring redemption onto me, BIG... MAMA... Katherine: Trying to make me attack, eh? You look like the impatient type... Katherine: I would, but I'm really in no hurry. So we'll be running around this till the end of time. Mike: Tricky girl, tricky girl... I'll show YOU some mind tricks... Mike: Guess what. The end of time is here. Katherine: Indeed. Pinkerton: AMEN, sister! Shanna: Oh, D-- DATE 20010811 SETTING Lecture Hall CHARACTERS Katherine Mike Shanna Pinkerton Ymir Margaret April Will Dave STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Pinkerton: "Hah-hah-have some blue mushroom juice and morphine!" Katherine: What? Mike: NO! Shanna: You son of a...! Fire Extinguisher: PSSSHHH Pinkerton: Yes, I'm the son of a bitch that is payback. Shanna: GHJJJ! Fire Extinguisher: PSSHH Shanna: Nuh-nuh-not again... Pinkerton: Getting a bit wonky, isn't it? Getting hard to tell what's real? Pinkerton: I KNOW THE FEELING. Mike: Mmh... Bologna... Ymir: THE GODS HAVE COME TO SILENCE THIS SQUEALING BASTARD WORLD! LET MAN END! Margaret: Okay. I don't think we can KILL it... but a called missile to its left eye might make it run OFF for a while... April: Are you NUTS? If we really piss him off, he can turn us into popsicles by belching! April: And somehow, the thought of dying is not NICE. Mike: I'm for squealing like little girls and running, myself. Will: I'm going down fighting. Dave: Look, you can't force a force of NATURE! We've got to make it see reason... Katherine: Yeah. OUR reason, anyway... Shanna: Hey, here's an idea! Why don't we all stand around debating what we're going to do to it until it buries us in an AVALANCHE? Ymir: Eh? Slush fleas. Avalanche: RMMMMBLE Mike: Remember: this was YOUR idea. DATE 20010812 SETTING Classroom, Physics Lab CHARACTERS "Dr. Zedd" Marsha Rumy Alisin Rikk Tim Roger Diana Mike April Will "Imaginary Floating Wiser April" "Imaginary Floating Panicky April" Shanna Katherine Dave Margaret STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Dr. Zedd: All right, class. Today's lab assignment is to split an atom and prove the existence of its particles. Marsha: YOUUU... you INCREDIBLE... Rumy: Clearly, this is an impossible assignment. And clearly, this is a test of our faith in our instructor. Clearly. Alisin: "Kind of a "hey, Abraham, this is God, go kill your son" thing? Rikk: Sir? Don't you think this assignment is, well, morally wrong? Tim: Friggin' establishment kill 'em all mumblmumblmumbl Roger, Diana: ZZzzZZZzzZ Mike: That's the last vent. We're snowed under, all right. Frosty was TORQUED. April: Stay calm. Will: I AM calm. Imaginary Floating Wiser April: Ooo, good idea. Tension in those shoulders, hm? Will: You always know when I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Imaginary Floating Panicky April: Oh, sure! Be the rock for your boyfriend when you're both about to suffocate! They say it's like going to sleep, and hey, you're halfway there already! Imaginary Floating Panicky April: There go the lights! Don't you just want to claw the walls? Oh, but you're the nice one, you're not the one who gets to panic! It's always Marsha! Lights: TZZZT Imaginary Floating Panicky April: MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA! April: Shut up, Imaginary Floating Panicky Me! April: Aheh... DATE 20010813 SETTING Physics Lab, Classroom CHARACTERS Tim Rikk Roger Rumy Marsha Alisin Margaret Katherine Mike Dave Shanna April Will STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Tim: Trust me, big guy. I know how systems break, and th'edjucashunal system is not gonna let this guy flunk us ALL. Rikk: *sigh* Rumy: Look at him... he's sleeping, and yet his fingers never falter. Roger: ZZzzZZZZzZ Marsha: I'm going to fail... I'm going to be a second-class citizen... Arrow: potato battery! Tim: Ya just do th' best ya can, and ya'll end up gettin' graded on a curve. Alisin: Hey, that's just what the, the preacher said last Tuesday, remember? Rikk: Heh... yeah... Marsha: "Would you like fries with that... Would you like fries with that...?" Roger: ZZzzZZZZzZ Rumy: He assembles with such confidence... he is the work... I can almost believe he IS building an atom smasher... Teache me, O Zen Master... Rikk: What would I do without you guys to direct me? Tim: Eh, probably be even MORE healthy an' borin'. Alisin: ... Alisin: *twitch* Rumy: I wonder if this is how they did it in 1945... Roger: ZZzzZZZzZ Hammer: POW POW Marsha: As God is my witness, I swear... I'll never flunk again! Margaret: So, what's the plan, "Majesty?" Katherine: You... really TRUST me, don't you? Mike: And the correct "boyfriend answer" is... of COURSE, honey. Margaret: You're squad leader. But I have some suggestions. Dave: I can TUNNEL us out. Shanna: God, look at those two... Katherine: "Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown." Oh, well. I WANTED this. Shanna: They're so clingy and couple-y. And it looks... I don't know... wrong, somehow." Shanna: I mean, I remeber how Kath started seeing Mike after he hid his tentacle and Marsha was on a revenge binge... but I can't remember too much they've done since. Same for April and Will... Arrow: S.C.A.-inspired "Sweetmeats" Arrow: Revenge-inspired "sourmeats" (indistinguishable from Marsha's usual cooking) Shanna: Be OBJECTIVE, Shanna. Is this JEALOUSY talking? After all, I still itch when I think about... Ceiling: CREEEAK Katherine: Steam tunnels are frozen... and even lasers won't did us out BELOW before we suffocate. So the only way out is up... back into Ymir's sights. Mike: Gonna be us or him, anyway. You can't expect a bully to leave you alone. We never do... Shanna: No, I know Kath. Something's wrong here. DATE 20010814 SETTING Hotel Lobby, Hotel Room CHARACTERS Pinkerton "Hotel Clerk" Roger Alisin Roger Dave Rikk Margaret Mike Tim Katherine Shanna April Marsha Rumy Will STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Pinkerton: Heh, heh. Some of my friends had a bit too much to drink. Hotel Clerk: That's the fourth time you been carryin' people back to your room... how many friends you got? Pinkerton: I'm a popular guy. They call me "Dweezil, the Designated Driver". Hotel Clerk: You don't sound THAT popular. Pinkerton: I wonder if he suspects anything. Hotel Clerk: Thank God. If this guy doesn't distract the management from my register-stealing, nothing will. Sign: BILLBERG HOTEL Comfort in the olde style. Cable TV. Pinkerton: On. Pinkerton: And on. Pinkerton: And on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on... Pinkerton: Mutants and rebels all safely neutralized. I hope my system can handle the blue mushroom juice... I mean, this Acme Matrix system... it was designed to work with other hallucinogens... or maybe I mean my body's system, handling the blue mushroom juice that I got on my clothes when I carried 'em in... in addition to the other drugs in my system that are still cancelling each other out... I mean... I mean... I MEAN? I'm not mean! I'm just really, really provoked! DATE 20010815 SETTING Physics Lab CHARACTERS Marsha "Dr. Zedd" Diana Rumy Will Mike Katherine Dave Shanna April STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Marsha: You realise this assignment is totally impossible and you're crushing our dreams, don't you? Dr. Zedd: Ee-YES! X-actly! BIN-GO! Gods, you kids disgust me! So full of maive optimism and hormones and energy and the belief that everything's gonna turn out okay! You remind me of my EX-WIFE when SHE was in college thirty years ago, and ME when I was young enough to believe she'd love me forever! Life SUCKS! CHOKE ON IT! FLUNK! FLUNK! AH HA HA HAH! Marsha: GJJ... Diana: What a refreshingly honest professor. Rumy: We probably should have worried when his last set of multiple choice answers spelled out "D-E-A-D" over and over. Ceiling: CRRIKKK Will: If we're going to die, I think you should know that I've always considered you a coward. Mike: Oh!-- the AGONY!-- Couldn't-- see that one-- COMING! Katherine: Can you hit Margaret's plastique from here, Dave? Dave: ...Yes. Yes, I CAN. Shanna: This will never work. Dave: Yes, it will. April: I can't believe you're turning into our "spiritual leader..." Dave: Yes, you can. Dave: Have FAITH. Dave: ZZZZZZ DATE 20010816 SETTING Hotel Room, Roof of Classroom CHARACTERS Pinkerton Will Katherine Mike Dave Margaret April Shanna Ymir STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Pinkerton: "Eheheheheheheheheh" Pinkerton: That's it, kids... keep on DREAMING, save the world... Pinkerton: Save MY world, that is... and keep saving it, keep building it up... Pinkerton: ...so you don't realise you're trapped inside it! Phone: Beep bip BOOP Joe's Termite Cultures and Discount Student Lofts. Joe Speaking. Pinkerton: Why won't this stupid phone dial correctly? I've spelled F-I-B a dozen times! Will: ... Katherine: We MADE it! Dave: YES! In your FACE, Satan! Shanna: Boy, hope it doesn't collapse before we get down the side. Margaret, Mike, April: Don't SAY tha-- Ymir: BOINK Building: CRUMMM Will: ...April? Shanna: I landed all wrong... I should have split a rib. This barely hurts... I don't feel cold enough... Margaret: Dave..? Dave: Still here. Margaret: Good... Good. I need your help... DATE 20010817 SETTING Physics Lab, Outside CHARACTERS Diana Alisin Margaret Dave April Will Shanna Ymir STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Alisin: Hey... how's y'r week been goin'? Diana: Not bad, not bad... 'bout $650 so far, but in this economy, johns just aren't soliciting like they used to. You? Alisin: Oh, just... y'know... going t'class, going t'church, meditatin', fastin', writin' really bad poetry... they tell me I'm getting pretty close t'eternal happiness. Alisin: If she says she's happy f'r me, I'm gonna SCREAM... Diana: That's great! I'm so happy for you! Alisin: THAAAAAAAANKS! Margaret: YMIR!!! MEET MY EYES, COWARD!! Gun: Sieughiewiecz Surplus Margaret: Ready? Dave: Ready. Margaret: One two Gun, Laser: ZAAAAK Ymir: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Margaret: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! Ymir: You! Margaret: No, you! Ymir: Sigyn! Loki's wide, the Ragnarok-bringer... the walking end of the world! DATE 20010818 SETTING Physics Lab, Outside CHARACTERS Marsha Tim Rumy Margaret Ymir Dave Shanna STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Marsha: Tiiiiiiiim? Tim: Yeah? Marsha: I have a big, biiiig problem... Marsha: Dr. Zedd wants me to fail and not become President... you don't wnat that to happen, do you? Tim: Uh... whawazzaquestion? Rumy: Don't even think about letting her copy your answers, Tim! There are principles at work here! Marsha: Am I not as important as your principles, Tim? Rumy: No, Tim! Stay good! Tim: Vision... goin'... blurry... Margaret: ...sorry, Pal. But just hold that KNEECAP there for a sec... and I'll be the end of your world... Grenade: PING Grenade: BOOF! Ymir: I pledge you my allegiance. May your enemies bones grow brittle and dead with my touch as we remake the world of the hated younger gods. Margaret: ...right. Sure. Okay. I'm... going to use this magic box to... Shanna: (consult with the norns) Margaret: Consult with the norns now. Amidala? This is Darth Maul III... new sitch here. Over. DATE 20010819 SETTING Classroom, Outside CHARACTERS Roger Diana Tim Rikk Mike Katherine Margaret Dave Shanna Will Ymir STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Roger: Zz-uh! Ee-YIKES! Roger: I don't understand! It made so much sense in the dream... the infinite chain reaction... the destruction of all the matter in the Universe... the snake that bites its own tail.... Diana: Aaw, honey... I'm sure you'll destroy the Universe really soon. Tim: I sabotaged it, just in case. Rikk: *Whew*! Ymir: The rainbow-bridge of the heavens will run pink with blood and ice. Mike: This guy reminds me of my MOM. Katherine: "Indeed, but now is not our time..." Margaret: "...our time, frost is POWERFUL, but it must learn PATIENCE, else the... acer..." Huh? Oh, yeah, I mean, "Oh, AYE, the AESIR, the AESIR notice us too soon. Margaret: "There are to be THREE ice ages before the world ends... each lasting a day, each seperated by a thousand years." Ymir: SO LONG? Dave: Yeah, BYE! So lo-- Dave: Mmmph? Margaret: "What means time to you and I? Release your hold on the Earth. We wll wait." Katherine: I'm impressed, Margaret. You had the firepower of a GOD at your feet and you didn't abuse it all. I don't know if I could have done that. Mike: Next time, dig us out BEFORE you take on the supposedly dead Norse deity... Margaret: Firepower of a god... Margaret: COME BACK! COME BAAAAAACK! Mike: Now, Shanna, this is where you DON'T say, "At least nothing else can go wrong today." Shanna: No, I don't. Shanna: We've got a BIGGER problem. DATE 20010820 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Alisin Rikk Marsha Rumy Roger April Dave Katherine Margaret Mike Shanna Will STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Rikk: Alison... Alisin: I'M BURIED ALIIIIVE! Rikk: ALISON! Alisin: BURIED ALIIIIVE! Rikk: You HANDS... GOD! Alisin: I DON'WANNA DIE BEFORE DIIIIIIE! I WANNA LIVE AN' HAVE WILD NIGHTS AN' I'M SORRY IF THAT'S EVIL BUT IT'S ME! I DON'WANNA DIE BEFORE I DIIIIIIE-- Marsha: You'll thank me later. Rikk: ...think SO, do you?... Alisin: Geh'me FREE... Rumy: Center of calm... Roger: She's right... we're snowed in. Trapped like JELLYFISH. Rikk: The...HELL...we are... DATE 20010821 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Roger Rikk Rumy Alisin Mike Katherine Tim Marsha Will April Shanna "Dr. Zedd" Diana Margaret Dave STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Rikk: Ru. Roger. Climb into the heating vents and scout. Rumy, you'll have to help Roger, but we may need his extra eye... Unknown: Step ten paces back from the door, please. Ten paces. Tim: "What are you stadin' around for? Do you not know a jailbreak when ye see one?" Marsha: Huh? Tim: Ehhh, StarTec in-joke. From the fifth movie... Will: THERE WAS NOT FIFTH MOVIE. Shanna: There's no physics lab either... Shanna: All right, lisetn UP-- Marsha: --and... oh. Hello. Kath. Katherine: Why, hell-LO, Marsha! Thank you so much for the flowers in Mike's name! AND the bees inside them! Mike: I'll just walk over HERE now. Masha: You... didn't get stung ONCE, did you? Katherine: Silly... Mike isn't NEARLY thoughtful enough to send flowers... but I appreciate your keeping me on my toes! Shanna: 'scuse me... Marsha: What's this guy doing in the closet? Diana: I WONDERED where he went if were snowed in... Dr. Zedd: Sob... just leave ALOHOHOHONE... sniff... Mike: Okay. Shanna: TALKING here... Mike: WHAT? Rikk: It's not about dying. It's about living FOREVER... but don't worry about what I want, okay? We'll get what YOU NEED. I promise. Shanna: *FWEEET!* Rikk: Shanna, please. That's kind of tasteless. DATE 20010822 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Roger Rikk Rumy Alisin Mike Katherine Tim Marsha Will April Shanna Margaret Dave STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Shanna: ...been paying attention when things don't make sense in my mind because... well... just because. Mike: Oh, WELL. THAT makes sense. Shanna: My memories are just TOO patchy... and so were APRIL's, when I asked her... Shanna: People in the Science Fiction Club, look at the people who aren't and ask yourselves, "Do I know these people as well as I think I do?" Dave: So you're telling... we're in ANOTHER bogus reality? Shanna: I know it's difficult to IMAGINE, but..ffff...life is more like FANTASY than YOU REALIZE...don't, don't be so MUNDANE... Unknown 1: Blue mushrooms... Unknown 2: Thackerabilitus... Shanna: FWEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE I'm sorry... give me a minute... AH HA HA... Tim: Yer sayin' there's a world out there where I DIDN'T go on th'misery journey with these guys? Roger: Anything's possible. Maybe on the other world, there are penguins made of seaweed. Tim: OR seaweed made'a penguins. Roger: Simple reversals only get you one point... Katherine: Guys, we don't have TIME for-- Shanna: Oh, come ON, Tim, show Roger how nonsense contests are DONE. Rikk: What's your strategy here? Shanna: When I said we'd get buried, we did. When said the building would collapse... when Marsha said he was crushing their dreams, even when YOU said you guys were't trapped... Shanna: I think we're helping to CREATE this world... and if Roger and Tim and OVERSTIMULATE it.... Tim: Jane Eyre an' yer mom. Roger: Forty-three barbells! Tim: Giant pimple waterbed. Roger: Walking on the canopy. Tim: All your mace are belong to-- Roger: HAH! Overplayed media reference! Lose a turn! Shanna: Then we can shut it down.. and THEN we should wake up automatically. DATE 20010823 SETTING A void, Void CHARACTERS Shanna Dave Mike Tim STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Shanna: Now what? Dave: I wonder... Do you remember when Blue came to visit? Mike: Wow! You know... I do remember that, Dave. Mike: You know why? Because you guilt trip me about it every friggin'... Dave: Back when she made think I was going crazy... Mike: Now you're blaming me for THAT? Dave: Will you get off this, Mike? Mike: Will YOU? Tim: Get a room, you two. Dave and Mike: SHUT UP! Tim: Denial... Dave: I tried to snap out of it somehow... I thought that if I just closed my eyes and thought... Mike: Oh, like you do on your test, just before you fall asleep? Shanna: I think. I... am. Shanna: Maybe having believed you're insane is an advantage, out here. You developed a heightened sense of reality... Shanna: I'm not in a weightless darkness... I'm in a dream... I am... Shanna: I was REALLY sitting in on the Club meeting because I WANTEd to... Shanna: I'm a series of flat light-patterns, sometiems colored, sometimes not... caricatures, fed thoguth and feelings by divine creator-minds to entertain bored computer users... Shanna: I can see THAT dream-reality... and another where I'm a jungle princess... and more... Shanna: I can see it... and I'm not AFRAID. Do you understand? I'm not afriad. That's real... Shanna: My name is Shanna Cochran... DATE 20010824 SETTING A void, Hotel Room CHARACTERS Margaret Rumy April Rikk Roger Diana Pinkerton STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Margaret: I... am in... CONTROL... April: Oooooooommmmm... Rumy: I have no mind... I have... no... mind... Rikk: Keep focusing! It's just a matter of will! Roger: Does this have anything to do wtih the fact that eye in my hand has been seeing the inside of a hotel room since you woke me up? Diana: !!! Roger: Well, nobody asked. Pinkerton: Nahhhhh! Pinkerton: He sees my outer-where! Diana: Roger, hold my hand. Roger: Uh... Diana... I... wait a minute.... Diana: Hold me... Diana: It's cold... I, I think I'm... DATE 20010825 SETTING A void, Hotel Room CHARACTERS Roger Pinkerton Diana Rikk Rumy Marsha Shanna Tim Katherine Alisin STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Roger: OW! Pinkerton: Ha! Pinkerton: Maybe I'm not match for most of you physically... but in THIS world, the battles are fought with willpower... Marsha: And you're also WAY weaker-willed than most of us, idiot! Shanna: My NAME... Shanna: is Shanna: Shanna Shanna: Cochran. Shanna: ...I'm sorry. Shanna: I really AM... Pinkerton: Sure... play the game of "SORRY..." You don't get "sorry" once you're in the SAFETY zone... Shanna: (sigh) DATE 20010826 SETTING Hotel Room, Hotel Room CHARACTERS Alisin Tim Margaret Rikk Mike Pinkerton Shanna Will April Marsha "Agent Jones" Dave Katherine Rumy Roger STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Alisin: Whoooooaaaa... Trip-peee. Alisin: I didn't do anythin' embarrassin', did I? Tim: Uhhh... Ya were kinda loud... Alisin: Oh, good. Tim: Ya don't remember? Alisin: Short-term memory's fried, man. Happens when y'mix certain drugs. Alisin: Th'last thing I remember was standin' over G.I. Jane Jr. An'-- Alisin: THERE SHE IS! Rikk: That was TOTALLY unnecessary! Margaret: For whom? Alisin: Whoooooaaaa... Trip-peee. Alisin: I didn't do anythin' embarrassin', did I? Th'last thing I remember... Mike: NOBODY plays me, man. Not now, not EVER. You want to give me something to dream about? Then squeal like a PIG... Rikk: Hey... Shanna: Wait... Will: STOP. Mike: ...oh boy. Marsha... Agent Jones: So you win. AGAIN. That just makes you more VALUABLE. Agent Jones: ALL of you. Mutants and monster-hunters ALIKE. Your "freedom" is an ILLUSION. In due time, you'll be in MY place, speaking my words to the NEXT batch of "heroes." Rikk: JONES? Dave: What? Katherine: That's not a RECORDING... and it's not JONES... Dave: I'm right HERE. Shanna: WE'RE STILL Mind controller: Cranial surges imminent. Pinkerton: All wrong. It's ALL wrong. Mind controller: Morphine supply depleted. Nesting table collapse in 10 minutes. Pinkerton: Even the WRONG is wrong. Pinkerton: All wrong... Pinkerton: ALL wrong... Pinkerton: All right. DATE 20010827 SETTING Hotel Room CHARACTERS Pinkerton Alisin Roger "Mr. Hand" Tim Margaret Mike STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Pinkerton: ??? Pinkerton: Dah! But but but you you you... can't! You're asleep and unconcious! Mr. Hand: That's it, pal... talk to the nerd... Mr. Hand: Cause the HAND don't want to hear it. Mr. Hand: I have PLANS for the body, pal. I have plans for this whole effin' planet. I'm taking my sweet time about them... I'm learning and enjoying myself on the way... Mr. Hand: And I gotta admit, that Diana chick is one killer distraction... yowza yowza! Mr. Hand: But the day of Mr. Hand IS dawning. Mr. Hand: ONE hand to rule them all. ONE hand to clutch them. Mr. Hand: MINE WAS THE HAND THAT HELD THE SHOTGUN THAT WOUNDED SATAN! WHAT CHANCE DIDJA THINK YOU HAD?? Pinkerton: Kguhhh Mr. Hand: Just one blow and you're DOWN? What kind of lousy foe ARE you? Bah, and I think woke up for this.... Roger: Z Mr. Hand: Unlike YOU, parasite! Mind controller: Collapse in 8 minutes... Mind controller: 3... 2... 1... collapse complete. Roger: Z DATE 20010828 SETTING Hotel Room CHARACTERS Mike Marsha Pinkerton Margaret Katherine Roger Alisin Shanna Tim Dave Rikk Rumy April Will STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Alisin: I didn't do anythin' embarrassin', did I? Katherine: So, the drugs overcame him? I expect it'd take days to recover from that mix... Margaret: No... Mike: Marsh! Are you okay? Marsha: Uh... Margaret: He's been beaten up pretty bad... but no really big brusies. It's like some little guy just went ballistic on him. Pinkerton: Help... spiders... fingers... crawling... Roger: NOT me! Katherine: And some "little guy" seems awfully flushed, considering he woke up after I did. Katherine: But if it was him, why wouldn't he take the credit? Marsha: Micheal... Redford... Green... Mike: OOW! At least you're not suffereing from amnesia! Alisin: So he mixed MY drugs with amnesia pills, truth serum, shrooms o'doom an' MORPHINE fume? MAN! Whaddaya think HIS next few days're gonne be like? Shanna: Beats ME. Katherine: Best I can do with the materails at hand. Don't put pressure on it for awhile. Margaret: 'sokay. I've had worse. Mike: Let me get this--OW!-- straight... you're holding me responsilbe for--OWW GOD!-- having another girlfriend in an alternate reality? Marsha: YES! Mike: OW- can I help it if she handles a morningstar like a proAOOWWW! Katherine: By the way... whatever dark secret you're hiding... DATE 20010829 SETTING Hotel Room, Park CHARACTERS Roger Katherine Will April STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Katherine: Don't hide it for long. Out kind of people will forgive a lot of things faster than they'll forgive you keeping secrets from them. Trust me. Roger: I don't know what you're talking aobut. Katherine: Sure. Roger: No, I mean I don't know which dark secret. You mean my had? The curse? Or you mean the time I was in eight grade and there this elephant... Katherine: *sigh* Will: I love the campus right now... just before we cram for finals. Everybody's RELAXING, the SUN'S shining... it really looks just like the college brochures SAY it does. April: It's pretty. Will: I tell you about the acting job this summer? April: New York? YEAH! Maybe I'll come and SEE you before it's over... Will: Look, this... for the BEST. In THAT world, things were SIMPLE... but here, I've got a stack of issues higher than YMIR. There's another relationship I have to lay to rest.... April: I know April: ...it's not fair. Will: No. It isn't. DATE 20010830 SETTING Park, Lecture Hall CHARACTERS April Will "Imaginary Floating Wiser April" Margaret Rumy Alisin Rikk STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT April: Alone again... *sigh* Imaginary Floating Wiser April: Alone?? What am I, a Macy's parade balloon??? Rumy: MATTE! Margaret: Now come at me with that CHAIN again... Alisin: Y'know, it's not like pain an' humiliation don' turn me ON, but... I got a GUY now... Margaret: Oh, sill! I didn't MEAN to hit you that hard! I was just off balance because of the ANKLE! Margaret: It's ALL about the ANKLE! Rikk: Actually, "Your weakness is not your technique." Rikk: You're GOOD. I've SEEN really good, and you ARE REALLY GOOD. Rikk: But we were still beating you. Rikk: Want to know HOW? Rikk: SYNERGY. You guys mostly fought SEPARATELY. I'm sure you LIKE the independence. But if you used a MULTI-user plan, Margaret, like with YMIr... think of how DANGEROUS you'd be. Rikk: Lately, I've been studying the great military THINKERS... Sun TZU, Gustavus ADOLPHUS, S.M. STIRLING... Margaret: Oh, I've read a lot of military strategy TOO... and I got three rules out of it. One, don't invade Russia during the WINTER. Two, a boot to the HEAD is worth a thousand plans. Margaret: THREE, never underestimate the enemy. You see, we failed because of rule three. Rikk: You still coud have pulled it through. All you needed was a little TEAMWORK. Margaret: I'd need a team first. DATE 20010831 SETTING Rikk's Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Rikk STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Dave: Is that it? Rikk: Nope, not yet... Dave: Guess my eyes are a little tired from the fight... Rikk: No, I used to "call" the sunrise early, too... Rikk: There it comes. Rikk: I love these... even though they put Alisin right to sleep. Rikk: Heck, some nights I love 'em BECAUSE of that. Dave: Well, I envy you, anyway. Rikk: Yeah, I guess I should just shut up... "My wife likes making love too much... poor me..." Dave: No... it's not THAT. Dave: When we were FIGHTING... I don't know, you seemed so, um, in your PLACE. I wish I could be like that, instead of feeling like a COWARD who always wishes he was ELSEWHERE... Rikk: NO! Rikk: I'm scared to DEATH! Rikk: I... I mean, it's nice to HELP them, but... EVERY time I fail, somebody might die from it. The WEIGHT... Rikk: And if it's hard to rish your FRIENDS... well, it's even harder to risk the love of your LIFE. I guess it's not easy for you and YOUR girlfriend either... Dave: She's... SHE'S not my girlfriend. She... what, what makes you think... Rikk: "Don't you touch him?" I'm kinda THICK about this stuff... but who could miss a sign like THAT? Dave: Mmh. No. She... Dave: She doesn't love me. But should would die for me. Isn't it weird? Rikk: No, it's not weird. It's just impossible. Mike: HEY! DATE 20010901 SETTING Rikk's Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave Rikk Alisin STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Mike: Bus is on its way in half an hour. You want to come along, or stay and merge with your alternate universe self? Rikk: Glad you're here, Mike. I've been hoping to talk to with you... Rikk: Believe it or not, I know how it feels. The teasing, the pity, the whispers behind your back. They called me a "geek" and call you a "freak," but there's not much difference. Rikk: It meant a lot to ME to find out I wasn't alone. You're not either. Mike: So you know, huh? I bet a lynch mob didn't chase you with torches and forks... Dave: Mike... Mike: Can we go now? Dave: Ten more minutes, Mike. Mike: Fine, whatever... Rikk: Is he always like that? Dave: Oh, no. Of course not. Rikk: Good. For a moment I was going to ask how you could live with... Dave: No, I mean, he was actually being nice. For Mike. Rikk: Ahem. "How can you live with that guy?" Dave: Sometimes I wish I HAD a normal, boring life with boring PEOPLE. But Margaret... Dave: There's something hanging OVER her, so TERRIBLE...that I can't imagine how she could ever smile AGAIN... but... she... DOES... Dave: And that, that WOMAN... she needs me... and I might, I just MIGHT, be able to SAVE her. Dave: There's pain. And fear. But that CHANCE... it means EVERYTHING. Dave: It means the world. Dave: All right. Now I'M bragging.... Rikk: ...no, no... Rikk: You got my e-mail address? ICQ, phone number? Dave: ...yeah... Rikk: Okay. Don't be a stranger... Dave: ...I won't... Alisin: What? Alisin: Why are y'lookin' at me like that? DATE 20010902 SETTING Inside the SCA meeting hall, inside Pinkerton's mind, Hospital CHARACTERS Rikk "Buildings Manager" Tim Will Shanna Katherine Pinkerton "Agent Jones" Marsha Mike Roger STORYLINE Mad Science (CRFH/FANS) TEXT Rikk: What's this? Administrator guy: It's a bill for damages to school property, AS if you didn't know! Administrator guy: We got a call from a young gentleman the night before last, saying that you were planning on wrecking "your" meeting room. Administrator guy: We thought it was a CRANK call, but sure enough.... Tim: MIKE. The guy set us up to pay for THEIR attack... even before the MADE it! Will: THAT SNAKE! Shanna: *sigh* If ONLY that MIND of his could be turned toward GOOD instead of EVIL. Katherine: *sigh* Pinkerton: And NOW they think they're going HOME! Agent Jones: EXCELLENT work, Mr. Pinkerton. We'll be waking and re-educating them in due COURSE. When we make them agents... would you care to LEAD them? Pinkerton: SIR! Shanna: Sweet dreams. DATE 20010903 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Dave: Geez, Mike... do you really have to be SO hostile to people? Would it kill you to be friendly? Mike: Look, man. Marsha won't talk to me because someone branwashed me into having another girlfriend. Mike: I'm NOT in the mood to be friendly to your evil clone with the motivational speech. Dave: But they had nothing against us, even after WE attacked them! It's not their fault! Mike: Well, the dorky little guy who got me in THIS problem was THEIR enemy... Roger: Saaay, bolt #1 and wheel #2 of the perpetual discussion machine... Roger: ...does this place look a lot EMPTIER to you guys too? Mike: ...and people who don't take care of their own enemies shouldn't be allowed to...! Uuuh.... WHOA... Dave: You know what's sad? This place is suck a mess that when someone breaks in and makes a mess it actually looks NEATER... Roger: A simple, boring robbery? And here I thought you guys hired an existentialist decorator... DATE 20010904 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Chester Roger Pepe Fluffy STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Dave: Hey, where's Chester? If they too him away... Mike: T-t-there's... no... there's no... Roger: Fluffy! Pepe! Dave: Heheeeee! All things are quiet on the Jones' front! Roger: Dave, I think we could be more sensible... Roger: Not everyone can afford inexpensive, cheap, zero-value-on-the-black-market pets like us... Mike: Say, Roger... could I borrow your glasses for a minute? I can't find the TV or the remote... there must be some wrong with my eyes... DATE 20010905 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Mike: Everything's GONE, man. EVERYTHING. Marsha, and the TV, and Marsha, and my stero... Dave: And Marsha... Mike: And all my CDs... bu what do I want them for without my stereo and Marsha? Dave: I don't think you're getting you stuff back, but Marsha is just some steps away... why don't you try to get HER back? Mike: TRY? Do you have any idea of how many doors have been slammed in my face in the past 24 hours? Dave: Moping around is NOT gonna help. Mike: Sure, YOU Can say that... after all, most of the stuff that was stolen was mine, and you didn't just lose your girl. Dave: You're right. I'm really lucky. I've never had a thing so no one can steal from me, and I don't have a girlfriend either. I'm as poor as as rat and as lonely as a cactus. Yay! Mike: And NOW you've taken away my self-pity too! Thanks a LOT. DATE 20010906 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike Dave STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Roger: Well, not only have you lost Marsha and your beloved electronic pets... you also lost my respect! Roger: You know what a real man does when life throws him a curveball? Mike: *sigh* Roger: He goes and KICKS the umpire! Roger: And you know what a real man does when life gives him lemons? Mike: Makes lemoade? Roger: No! He gets into a chicken suit and then he KICKS the umpire! Mike: My cthulhu... that's so TRUE! I'm outta here! Dave: Way to go, Roger. You know what he's gonna do when he doesn't find any umpires? He's gonna come back and kick US! Roger: Not if WE stock up on canned food and change the locks while he's away! DATE 20010907 SETTING Pawn shop, outside CHARACTERS Mike "Pawn Shop Owner" STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Mike: Mmhh... Shady enough. Mike: Hello kind sir! I'd like to see some rings, please... Pawn shop owner: The fancy kind or the gum machine kind? Mike: Oh, only the best for my sweet little lady! Pawn shop owner: All right, I'll get them out... but I gotta warn you, I have a bat under the counter... Mike: Wow. This ring... the peculiar design of the gem... Pawn shop owner: That one is an antique. Real emerald, too... Mike: Yeah, I KNOW it's an antique and it has a real emerald... Mike: Because my gramma had one that looked EXACTLY like this one... it was custom-made for her 16th birthday, especially designed by my grandfather! Pawn shop owner: Really? Er, um, talk about your coincidences... Mike: It is no coincidence! This rung was STOLEN FROM HER! Mike: Have you got no SHAME at ALL, man??? You sell stuf that was snatched on the streets from defenseless old ladies! I'm calling the cops on you! Pawn shop owner: Hey hey... wait a minute... Mike: Wait, my whiskers! I'm getting this ring back to my gramma no matter WHAT! Pawn shop owner: Okay, okay, if it's so important to you... Mike: Heeeeehehehehehehe! DATE 20010908 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Mike April STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Mike: Hey April... is Marsha home? April: Mmh... no, sorry, Mike. Mike: For real, or is she just avoiding me? April: Nope. For real. She's not here. Mike: Aw. Drat. April: But why don't YOU come in anyway? Mike: Whammph??? DATE 20010909 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike April STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Mike: Whoa whoa wait! What, what are we doing??? April: Being wild and crazy! Can you feel the electricity? Mike: No, but I can hear all the alarms and screaming little brain workers! Mike: Wait, just wait! This is so unlike you, April! Are you high on something? What happened to your sanity? April: I'm bored of it. I'm tired of being alone... April: Since you're my friend and you're bummed too, why not try something together? Mike: Oh man. Don't do the fingers walking thing, please... April: Hey, I can wear a wig an pretend I'm Marsha, if you want... DATE 20010910 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike April Margaret STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Mike: Ooh boy. I better get out of here before Marsha comes back and murders me... April: Why would she? She just dumped you, remember? Mike: Well, at least that would murder any small possibility I still had with her... April: Look, I don't think she's back to you Mike... she said she'd stop cooking first. It's THAT bad. Mike: She said what? Oh, God, I'm SO screwed... April: Let's not talk about sad things... I'll get over Will and you'll get over Marsha... and everybody's happy! Mike: But... Margaret: TRAITOR!!! DATE 20010911 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Margaret Mike April STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Margaret: I can't believe this, April! The second Marsha dumps Mike you jump on him like a Florida shark? Mike: Yeah, you tell her, because she is NOT listening to me... April: What's so wrong about it? So marsha doesn't want him anymore! Margaret: I'm not talking about Marsha, I'm talking about ME! You never even ASKED if I wanted a chance with Mike! April: Why should I? YOu have have Dave after all! What are you, a MAN HOARDER too? Mike: ... !!! Margaret: Hey, keep Dave out of this! We have NOTHING! April: Well, I have DIBS on Mike! I saw hime first! Mike: Yeah, yeah, keep discussing... while I silently pack and cross the border... Margaret: Watch me closely and see if I... wait a minute... Margaret: Hey, where do you think you're going? You still haven't decided who you're gonna get! April: Sure, make him choose now... after all, you're wearing Marsha clothes! What a dirty trick! Mike: Whoa... so the weird Green babe mangetism my dad's always talking about is FINALLY kicking in... DATE 20010912 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Mike: *pant pant* GAH! Leave me alone, you CRAZY, SEXY WOMEN!!! Mike: Wait a minute... maybe this ring... Mike: Could it be? Mike: Why not? It's the house of madness, after all... Mike: Hey, want to participate in a funky experiment, or should I suddenly remember you owe me one punch? Dave: Does it involve me making baseball calls and you kicking me? Mike: Nope. Dave: Does my opinion actually matter? Mike: Nope! DATE 20010913 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Dave: Hey! What are you doing? You don't think I'm not gonna fight back, do you? Mike: Man, Margaret is out there, dressed in leather! I thought you'd be interested! Dave: Who in what? Wait, you wouldn't joke about something like this, right? Mike: Of course I would... but not today! Here, keep this in your pocket, go out there and enjoy! Dave: Um. What was it that I'm supposed to do? Mike: Keep box in pocket, say "Hi."? Dave: Oh, yeah. Back... back in a minute... Mike: Try not to get lost in the Hall, ok? DATE 20010914 SETTING Apartment Hall, Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April Mike STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Dave: Hi? Um, Mike told me, and I was sent, and the little box... Uh, I don't remember anymore... Margaret: Hey, is Mike ever coming out or what? April: Yeah, we don't have all day... Mike: Well, what happened? Were they all over you? Dave: No, they just told me that if you don't leather the sexy boots skin-tight, they're gonna leather you really sexy... Mike: Ah. That's useful. I should have sent Roger instead... you can go lie down now, soldier. Dave: Yeah, lying down good... Mike: Let me guess. In leather? Dave: And with the sexy boots... DATE 20010915 SETTING Apartment Hall CHARACTERS Mike Margaret April Marsha STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Mike: So you're saying that I should just pick one of you? That makes absolutely no sense... it's just not right! Margaret: Pfft! Why in the name Cthulhu not? April: Yeah, after all, Marsha can't stalk US... we live in the same apartment! Mike: Noooo... I mean, why just ONE? We can live happily ever after... as the happiest trio on the filthy Earth! You can share me, there's enough me for everybody... Margaret: Hell no! April: What? Unknown: NOW YOU DIE!!! DATE 20010916 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Marsha Margaret April STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Marsha: I knew it, I KNEW IT! You are Soooo dead! Mike: Ah, there you are. I was wondering if you were hiding or just using the microphone spy thingie. Marsha: Say your prayer you...! Mike: Wait, wait! I'm off-limits! We broke up, so I was NOT cheating on you! Mike: Of course, i could be wrong...maybe I MISHEARD you when you said we were through...if that's the case, then I'm still your boyfriend and I'm totally guilty and you have all the right to be mad at me! Marsha: Uuh... Marsha: so if I say you're still my boyfriend, I can HURT you really bad? Mike: Oh, totally! Marsha: Then you're still my boyfriend! Margaret: Well, one way or another, they're back together. Not quite the way we wanted it, but Marsha won't cook again. Mike: But you're gonna have to CATCH ME FIRST! Marsha: come back here! I'm gonna get you! April: Brrr...next time YOU kiss him, and I wear Marsha's clothes... DATE 20010917 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Mike Marsha STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Marsha: It's useless Mike! You just can't run forever, you know! I'm gonna GET YOU! Mike: Not if you get tired first. Marsha: We'll SEE about that! I'm in better shape than YOU! Mike: It's not a matter of fitness... Mike: It soley depends on what is bigger: your rage or my self-preservation instinct! Marsha: MY RAGE! Mike: MY INSTINCT! Marsha: RAGE! Mike: INSTINCT! Marsha: Gonna...crush you...*pant pant*...just a couple *pant* minutes... Mike: Too...late...*wheeze* already...DEAD... DATE 20010918 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Mike Marsha STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Marsha: I can't believe you wanted to get in on with my roommates. I'm never gonna forgive you. Mile: I wasn't serious, Marsha. You think I'm a total idiot? I knew you were listening! Marsha: Yeah, right. Mike: Look, I know you. The moment I become your ex-boyfriend you become my stalker... Marsha: If you weren't serious, why didn't you just reject them both? Mike: And then what? wait for the next test to be run on me? it was definately better I piss you off so we could finally talk or kill each other or whatever. Mike: You know, I'm the one who should be mad. Everytime you've thought I'm cheating on you, you've ben proved wrong, and you STILL don't trust me at all. Marsha: You still gon't get it, do you? this is NOT about cheating or trust. Mike: What? ALl this is 'cause of my "thing" with Kath, so... Marsha: It's not about Kath...and if you don't know what it's about, then maybe we shouldn't be together anymore... DATE 20010919 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Mike Marsha STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Mike: You can't be serious! You're breaking up with me and you don't even want to tell me WHY??? Marsha: Mike, you should know. If you don't know why I'm mad, then you don't know me at ALL. Mike: That is So UNFAIR! Marsha: I'm sorry. Mike: Well, fine. If that's the way you want it. Now I'm gonna have to follow you everywhere and call you every fiveminutes and tap your phone until you either come back to me or get a restraining order! Marsha: Really? Mike: Yup. You know why? Marsha: Why? Mike: Because that's exactly what you'd do... Marsha: So you wouldn't just give up on me, like in the dream? Mike: Not unless I was really stoned and pluged to a machine! Marsha: Aaaw... DATE 20010920 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Margaret April STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Marsha: Hey girls, check it oooooout! April: Ooooh! Is that a promise ring? Marsha: Yep! Margaret: YES!!! We're poison-free! Marsha: What? April: No more cooking for you! Remeber what you said this morning? Marsha: That bastard son of a squid can forget about me. I'd stop cooking before coming back to him. Margaret: You're KIDDING! April: (action) poit! Marsha: uh...I was kidding... April: you said you were NOT. From now on, only Margaret and me will do the cooking around here. Marsha: But, but what if I'm starving and all alone... Margaret: That's why we have an endless supply of cereal boxes... DATE 20010921 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Dave: (thought bubbles) What was I doing here, again? Dave: (thought bubbles) Ah. Oh yeah... Mike: ZzzZzzZzzZzZ Dave: (action) FWAP! Mike: ZzzzMPHHH! Mike: Isn't it a bit late for Assassination attemps? Dave: It's 4:00 a.m. Explain: Margaret in leather, requiring you. Mike: Man, I HATE your slow reactions. And it IS a bit early for third-degree burns... DATE 20010922 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger April STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Mike: Dave, are you EVER gonna eat that cereal? Dave: Geez. Well, I happen to LIKE it soggy... Roger: Hey guys, Diana called. She's back from her trip to see her dad and she says we can pick up our stuff. Mike: Wha? Roger: She came to visit while we were gone and noticed the lock doesn't work, so she took all the valuable stuff to her place. Mike: Uh... Roger: Did I forget to tell you? Sorry. Mike: My God, Roger. I don't know wheather to kiss you or KILL YOU. April: Pick the "Kill" option. Trust me on this one. Roger: Ba-psssch. It's a lot simpler just to fake my death. DATE 20010923 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike April STORYLINE Marshaless TEXT Mike: Back off girl. Marsha and I are together again, so no matter how much you desire me, I'm off-limits. April: Oh HA. If you're still too dumb to get it, that was a trap to get you and Marsha together. Mike: Yeah, I know. Heh, at least that's what YOU say. April: WHAT I SAY??? Listen you idiot, I did you a favor... Mike: Sure you did, April. And in a lot os senses. But you shouldn't be ashames of being attracted to me...It's just a natural thing... April: Why you...! Mike: so what are you gonna say next, that you didn't like kissing me? Pffft! April: All right! So maybe I did. A little. But if you EVER tell any living soul I said that, I'm gonna chop off your friggin' bi nose and serve it to you for breakfast! Mike: (thought bubble) Gees. I was just kidding... DATE 20010924 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Dave Roger STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Dave: *Brrrr* can you feel the EVIL in the air, Roger? The danger? can you feel the impulse to curl up in a ball and suck your thumb? Roger: WHAT? There are CLOWNS in HERE?! Dave: clowns? I wish. No, my friend, I'm talking of a much bigger evil... Roger: then what is it? Cthulhu? Satan? Mike's mom? Dave: You don't know what it is? What kind of bliss are you living in man? Roger: No clue. Gimme one. Dave: All right, but you can't say the word. Here's a clue. It starts with an "F". Roger: So it's an "F" word, huh? Ummm. Faeries? Furry clowns? Females? Dave: Even MORE terrifying! Roger: Finals? Dave: AAAGH! You said the word! WHY did you say the word? Roger: Whoops! Nove I've summoned them, right? Dave: YES!!! Yes. damn your three eyes! DATE 20010925 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS "Mr. Dover" Mike Dave Roger Margaret STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mr. Dover: Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is it. Remember, don't be late for your calculus final...you're gonna need all the time you can get. Heh! Any questions? Mike: Dave, don't do it. Don't! Dave: I need to know, Mike. Mike: Put down your friggin' hand before I break it again! Mr. Dover: Yes, Dave? Dave: Mr. Dover, what's coming up in the final? Mr. Dover: Ah. Your class nots should be enough. Wait, you better include the Leithold book. You know, the fat one. Class: MEEH! Mr. Dover: and the Lobatchevsky theory. Oh, I almost forgot L'Hopital. Class: Noooo! Mr. Dover: And just for fun, add the Principia Mathematica, just to honor good ol' Isaac. Class: BLAAH! Roger: Is it just me, or did amount of what we have to study just increased 541% Mike: He forgot "Anatomy of Severe Pain"... Class: BOO! You SUCK! KILL him! Dave: I'm sorry! I HAD To do it! And I would do it AGAIN! Margaret: Read my shirt, David! DATE 20010926 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Mike Roger Dave Margaret STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: oh for crying out loud, someone stop him! Roger, you're next to him! Kick him, punch him, strangle him with your tentacle! Roger: But I don't have a tentacle... Mike: My God, you're such a pathetic LOSER! Dave: Miss Kohn? I have a question... Margaret: (action) POUNCE! Dave: AGH! Mike: Now SHE is resouceful. Watch and learn, you useless excuse for a ninja werecoyote. Roger: I don't care what you call me, Mike, I'm just NOT gonna smother Dave with my lap. Margaret: Dave? No, that's okay, people mistake me for him all the time... Dave: mphh! DATE 20010927 SETTING Hall CHARACTERS Dave Mike Marsha Margaret April Roger Fluffy STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Dave: Ow! That was arousing, I mean, PAINFUL! What's the amtter with you??? Margaret: That's not painful. Painful is when you ask a teacher a question and then someone drops a Patriot missile on you! Mike: Hey Dave, I'm dying to try my new box of tranquilizer darts! Why don't you ask the Algebra teacher what's coming up in the final? April: It's probably wrong for me to say this twice in the same day, but if you keep asking teachers what's coming up in finals, I'm gonna have to chop off your friggin' small nose and serve it to you for breakfast. Marsha: Yo, Dave! Want to see a magic trick? Ask a teacher what's coming up in the finals and in a second you'll have a horde of rabid squirrels attacking your pants! Roger: You know, Dave? If you want to ask teachers about finals, that's okay with "me", but Fluffy has a knocking argument against it... Dave: All right, you guys! I get the point! DATE 20010928 SETTING Malt Shoppe CHARACTERS Diana Roger STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Roger: So how are your folks? Diana: Aw, we were so happy to be together, even if it was only for a few days...And how did the fight with the secret society go? Roger: Ah, it was a trap. We got really stoned and ended up in a motel room. Diana: Great! Diana: *sigh* I'm really gonna miss you, Roger... Roger: What are you talking about? I'm not going anywhere... Diana: Yeah, but finals are coming soon...we won't have alot of time to spend together... Roger: Why not? Diana: Roger...I can't concentrate on studying if I'm not alone. Roger: what do you need concentration for? All you gotta do is fall asleep and take your test... Diana: You're the only one who can do that! Roger: What is WRONG with you people??? DATE 20010929 SETTING Hall CHARACTERS Dave Marsha April Mike STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Marsha: I say we SPY on him...I bet he's gonna keep on asking his little questions over the phone! April: Naaah. He has to do it when Margaret's around! Next time, she might even SIT on his face! Mike: Now, now. Girls! The guy's had enough. Besides, he's gonna have to study just as much as the rest of us. Marsha: Geez, when YOU say it's been enough, it's probably already been too much! April: Meh. What are you now, Mr. Goodie? Dave: What do you want, Mike? Mike: The same as everybody else, Dave...peace on Earth, a huge TC, and xerox copies of all your notebooks. Dave: Thank God. You were starting to worry me. DATE 20010930 SETTING Library CHARACTERS Dave April STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Dave: Hey, are they cleaning or something? All the books are gone! April: I'm afraid you're too late, Dave... Dave: Wha? April: Yup. The Hoarding Monster was already here. Smell that book you have in your hand. Dave: Smell?? April: Just humor me. Dave: Mmh. Vanilla, coconut and gun powder. Damn, she's fast, isn't she. April: Very. But she let me borrow some books for now. I could share them with you, if you're done sniffing the book. Dave: Uhuh. Just five minutes... DATE 20011001 SETTING Library CHARACTERS April Dave STORYLINE The F Word TEXT April: So, how're things going between you and Margaret? Dave: Erm. April, I'm trying to concentrate here. April: Oh. That bad. Dave: No, actually not bad. Neither good. They're just NOT going. April: Really? I thought you guys were going to give it a try! Dave: No... we decided that it wouldn't be good to rush into things. April: Wow. I had no idea. I was quite sure... Dave: Why were you so sure? Did she mention something? April: No... but she's somehow changed since your date. She's nicer to use, and smiles more often. Dave: You're kidding. April: The other day she was even singing in the shower! Dave: Really? What song? April: "Another One Bites The Dust". Dave: Good. We're still talking about the same Margaret. DATE 20011002 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: I still don't know how you can study for hours and hours and hours without getting crazy and going into a killing-spree. Dave: Well, I'm worried. I studied hard in high school and got excellent grades. And I keep studying just as hard, but my grades are now CRAP. Mike: No, I don't mean you don't have good reasons to keep on studying like a maniac, I'm just saying that I CAN'T. Everytime I try to study for a test that is more than a day away, my mind tricks me into doing other stuff instead. Dave: Why does a standard deviation take the square root of the average of the sum of the squared differences between X and X mean? Do you remember? Mike: No, but I *do* remember that the toilet is dirty. Must clean toilet. Dave: Wow, I didn't think that would work. Mike: Must scrub thoroughly... DATE 20011003 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Margaret STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Marsha: Pfft! Mike will do ANYTHING instead of studying... I had to escape through the bathroom window to get away from him! Margaret: Isn't that supposed to be a good thing? Marsha: Normally, yeah... but when am *I* supposed to study? Marsha: Canned corn??? HAH! Since you banned me from the kitchen, you girls have resorted to eat CRAP.. Margaret: "Since"? Margaret: You criticize Mike, but I haven't seen you open a book yet. Marsha: I'm going to... uh oh. Chipped nail. Books are gonna have to wait. DATE 20011004 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Dave Chester STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: Dave. Dave: Mmh? Mike: Could you STOP studying for one damn moment? Dave: Mmwhy? Mike: First, because you're making me nervous, and second, because you forgot to feed your cat AGAIN. Dave: What? OH NO! I'm so terrible sorry! Dave: So, so terribly sorry, Chester... but what did I tell you about biting people? You don't know if they've had all their shots! Mike: I'm FINE, thanks for ASKING! DATE 20011005 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: What are you doing in my nightmare? Dave: This is not your nightmare, it's MY nightmare. I was flunking because of a really stupid question whose answer I studied just a while ago. Mike: Hey you! How do you wake up from someone else's nightmare? Roger: You whack them upside the head with something heavy so they shut up and let you sleep. Mike: I already did that. It didn't work. Roger: Damn. Then I don't know how I will get rid of you... DATE 20011006 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret "Study Sprite" Marsha STORYLINE The F Word TEXT April: Margaret it's almost midnight. Aren't you going to bed? Margaret: In a couple minutes Study Sprite: *Poff* Margaret: Oh my god what the hell are you? Study Sprite: I be a study sprite. I help people in their studying. Is what I do. Margaret: You don't say. Will you excuse me for a moment? Study Sprite: Ah such a fine lass she be Gun: *chuchc* Margaret: You got two seconds to get the hell out of here. And I started counting three seconds ago. Study Sprite: I just want to help you study! Margaret: No lies! It's time to die! April: She's having the study sprite dream again. Marsha: I told her not to eat that fourth can of corn. Margaret: get back here I'm not done shooting at you DATE 20011007 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: Dave, have you seen my notebook? I think I misplaced it after the last test. Dave: The final is tomorrow, and you STILL haven't found your notebook??? Mike: Mh. Well, nothing to freak about. It's still early. Dave: Aren't you supposed to be studying? Mike: Yeah... I'm taking a break. Dave: A break from what? Mike: Looking for my notebook... Dave: How can you do this?! What the hell is wrong with you??? You haven't studied a line, and it's 10p.m!!! Mike: CRAP! Already??? DATE 20011008 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Pepe Mike Dave STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Roger: Well, this one is done. Only three more and I'm done with the chapter... Roger: What? Wrong, you say? Roger: Oh course I'm using the right formula, I checked it twice! What do you mean, not that kind of problem? Dave: Maybe you should ask an actual person, instead of woolforbrains? Roger: You're right, I need a second opinion. Hey, Fluffy! Mike: Mh, can I borrow Pepe for a moment? Roger: 'Course not. Get your own damn plushie tutor. DATE 20011009 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Dave: *blink* Dave: Wake up! Wake up NOW! Power outage! Alarm clock flashing at 12:00! Dave: Alarm never went off! Dave: We won't make it! Wake up, we're late for our final! Mike: Two questions. Firfst, what are you guys doing in my nightmare, and second, if we're late for the final how come it's still dark? Dave: Okay, so I was a bit off. But if we WERE late for the test, would you guys prefer it if I wasted precious second actually checking for the time? Roger: Werecoyotes are NOT morning persons, Dave. So yes, next time, please DO. DATE 20011010 SETTING Boys' Apartment, Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike April STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Dave: I hate it when the worst final is the last one... I'm totally burned out. So tired... Mike: We're going to study with the firls... why don't you come too? Dave: Naah, can't concentrate... Mike: Heheh. You know? In a while, when everybody's tired of studying, we'll probably distract ourselves with a huge pillow fight. Dave: And while we're all having fun anf the unavoidable hot orgie that will follow, you stay and try to study in this stinky hellhole. April: I thought you were gonna stay home. Dave: I was... but then I thought that at least here I wouldn't fall asleep, one way or another... DATE 20011011 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Roger Margaret STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: ZzzZzz Margaret: Psst! It's your turn! Roger: Ohboyohboy! Roger: *Ahem* Violation of rule number one of the Honor Code. I'm authorized by the All-Nighter Society to apply the proper punishment. Mike: ZzzZzz Roger: Bombs AWAY! Mike: Yeek! Margaret: Hey Mike! Say "FREEZE!" Camera: click! Roger: And since it's your fifth time, next time will be a whole tray! Mike: I want out of the stupid Society. DATE 20011012 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha Mike STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: Oh No. Not way. Not now! Marsha: What? Mike: I feel like I'm coming down with a cold. All that damn ice down my shirt... Marsha: We have some stuff for that in the bathroom. Serve yourself. Label: Warning: May cause amnesia, drowsiness, asthma, pregnancy, athlete's foot, heart attack, drooling, PMS, PSL, seizures, sarcasm fits, spontaneous human combustion, amoeba, greasy hair or evil eye. Mike: *gulp gulp gulp gulp gulp* Mike: Minty... DATE 20011013 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave April Mike Margaret STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Dave: This is useless. April: What? Dave: I'm too tired. Any knowledge I acquire now bounces right out. Mike: Why don't you have some of my tachycardia-inducing coffee? Dave: Thanks, but I'm not sleepy... I'm just too tired to think. Mike: You know what we need? We need to shut down our brains for some hours. I suggest we all go dancing or something. Dave, Margaret: BLASPHEMER! Mike: Yeah, that's the usual reaction... DATE 20011014 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Marsha Margaret April STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Dave: Mike, that's an incredibly bad idea. Go dancing the night before the calculus final? You're crazy! Mike: Crazy? Ba-pssch. When did you get your PhD in psychiatrics? Hey, what do the rest of you guys think? Marsha: I could use some distraction... Roger: It makes sense. If we sleep, we'll have calculus dreams... but dancing increases the brain efficiency by 200%. Margaret: You just made up that figure, right? Roger: Yep. Margaret: I'll buy it. April: Could me IN!!! Mike: So HAH! Dave: Count me out. I don't have any money and I don't know where we're going without a car. Mike: Who says we need money? You guys go get ready and leave the rest to Uncle Mike... DATE 20011015 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Mike Marsha Dave Margaret Roger April STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Marsha: So, who did you blackmail this time to get the car, honey? Mike: Not in the mood for blackmail... but if you give Frank "Teletubbie" a stack of porn and a six-pack he'll be distracted enough to not notice you stole his car keys. Dave: There's too many people waiting outside! We're never gonna get in. Margaret: I wish I brought a gun. Just a shot in the air and see the crowd disperse. April: And see the police arrest us... Roger: Well, I honestly don't follow your line of thinking. We're obviously gonna waste our three hours of amusement standing around here. Mike: Ten bucks say that I'm gonna get us all inside in 10 minutes. Roger: $9.99, and if they kick us out it doesn't count. Mike: Ba-pssch. DATE 20011016 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Mike Marsha April Margaret Dave Reggie STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Dave: Hey Reggie! Mike: How're you doing, Reggue? You remember Marsha, right? And these are her friends... Marsha: Hi, Reggieeee! Reggie: Ooooooh! Hi, Marsha and friends! Reggie: Hey hey, where do YOU think you're going? Dave: But I come with them! Reggie: Yeah, but it's LADIES night. You'll have to pay and stand in line like everybody else. Dave: Isn't that a sexist discrimination policy? Mike: And heeere comes the hard part. DATE 20011017 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Dave Mike Reggie Roger STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: Now Reggie, I know it's against the rules, but you HAVE to let this guy in. He does a really nifty trick with a coin... Dave: WHAT? Dave: This is ridiculous! Why do I have to make a fool of myself to get into a stupid club? I'm not doing it. Mike: Dave, I admire you. You let your principles get in your way to success. So you stay out here and dance with your dignity, I bet Margaret will find a suitable dance partner... Dave: *sigh* Mike: *flip* Dave: zap! Coin: DING! Mike: Heh! Reggie: COOL! Dave: Margaret better dance with me after this, Mike. Reggie: And where do YOU think you're... Mike: Ol' Uncle Mike said he'd get you in, and you're in. I don't know about the rest. Roger: Eye in hand and funky ninja moves! Reggie: Okay, go right in... DATE 20011018 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Margaret April Marsha Mike Dave Bimbo Ralph Roger STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Margaret: Heh! The music is so loud that I can feel the beat in my spleen! April: Yeah, it's so loud I can't even hear what I'm thinking! Great, huh? Marsha: So he did the trick? Damn, I should know better than making bets with you... Mike: To be honest, I didn't manage to get him to do it standing on his head. Dave: What am I doing here??? I don't even know how to dance! I should be studying! I... WHOA. Bimbo: That guy with the tentacle... he looks familiar. Roger: RALPH! Hey, Ralph, remember me from FurryCon? Ralph: Walk faster, Bimbo. DATE 20011020 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Dave: Eermh... say, Margaret, would you... if you don't have anything better to do... and if you're not too tired, I thought, maybe we, oh heck, like I haven't practiced this line every day of my life... Dave Would you d-d-...? Margaret: Dance? Dave: Yeah! Margaret: It depends. Are you a really good dancer? Are you one of those guys who have really funky moves and follow the rhythm? Dave: *Gulp* Mmh no, I can barely move without tripping over my own feet. Uh, I understand... Margaret: Good. I hate dancing with showoffs. Margaret: Geez. You looked like you were gonna faint. Dave: Did you really have to torture me like that? Margaret: Of course. It's just too darn fun! DATE 20011021 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Dave Margaret Marsha Mike April Roger STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Dave: She's dancing with me! This means *something*! Margaret: Dance dance dance! Gotta reach that fake 200% of increased brain efficiency! Marsha: Woo! Oh God, how I needed this! I feel like I've been locked up in that stupid apartment for ages! Mike: Yeah... maybe now that we're no longer held in captivity, we can mate... Marsha: Uh? Mike: Noooothing.... April: Roger... I don't think you can tap-dance to techno music... Roger: Nonsense! You can tap-dance to anything if you have the proper shoes! April: But you're wearing SNEAKERS! Roger: Yup! DATE 20011022 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Harold Eddie Mike Marsha Dave Margaret STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Harold: Just wait a minute... is that Mike? Eddie: Who? Harold: Mike Green! The dirtiest bastard who's ever walked on the crust of the Earth! Oh, I'm gonna fix him GOOD... Eddie: Cherry soda fo the lady, and this one's on the house. Mike: Neat! Thanks! Dave: There's too many people on the dance floor now... we're taking a break. Margaret: Oh gosh, I'd kill for something liquid! Mike: Take my drink if you want, I haven't even touched it. Ice is bad for my cold. Marsha: Geez. Since when do you care about your health? Mike: Since I'm high on cold medicine... DATE 20011023 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Dave: *whew* Margaret: ? Margaret: Want the rest of the drink? Dave: Are you sure? Margaret: I'm sure. We danced enough to dehydrate a camel. You must be thirsty too. Dave: Thanks! There isn't any alcohol in it, right? Margaret: Barely. Dave: I'm using the last of my consciousness to state that this is not a drink, it's pure and simple PAINT THINNER. Margaret: BWAHA, I know!! I'm such a LIAR when I'm drunk! DATE 20011024 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Mike Marsha April Roger Dave Margaret STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: Gee. How awkward. Don't tell me *we* act like that in public... Marsha: Aw, let them be! Mike: No, no, I'm glad for them... but what ever happened to decorum? Marsha: My God, Mike. You must be stoned out of your mind. Marsha: Hey A-PRIL! April, check it OUT! April: Check wha-HOOOOOO! Roger: Pfah! Nostradamus was right! Dave: AHAHAHAHAHAH! Oh, God, please stop! Stop! Margaret: Pffheeeeheeeheee! Surrender, evildoer! Dave, Margaret: tickle tickle tickle Dave: NeHAHAHAHver! YOU surrender! Margaret: Heheheee! YOU! DATE 20011025 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April STORYLINE The F Word TEXT April: Oooh I KNEW IT! I knew you two would end up together! AHAHAHA! And you were denying it all the time! Margaret: I have to admit you were right about everything, April. Let's drink to that! Go ahead, be my guest. April: Thanks! Here's to you guys and a ton of happiness in your new adventure together! April: OkAY. First, this is not cola. Second, this explains a whooole lot of things. Dave, Margaret: BWAHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DATE 20011026 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April Roger STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Margaret: Nobody ever beats me at thumb-wrestling, laserlips! Dave: We'll see about that, sexyshoulders! Roger: Hey April! Are you ever coming back to dance? April: Nah. I'd rather feel miserable and ponder my lonely, lonely existence on this rotten Earth. Thank you very much. Roger: Well, the Limbo King is off to the contest. The winner gets to play fountain. April: It's not "playing fountain", Roger. They're gonna pour two bottles down your throat. Roger: Pfft! Normally I'd believe you, but you're too drunk. DATE 20011029 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Harold Eddie Mike Marsha Margaret Dave April STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Harold: I can't believe that sucker is still standing! Did you give him the drinks? Eddie: Yeah, but maybe he gave them to his friends. They're wasted. Harold: Ah. Very clever, Mike. But I still have other ways to screw you... Mike: ??? Marsha: Mh, maybe it's time to go home. Looks like some of us already have had too much. Margaret: Woo! Shake it baby! April: I need more booze. DATE 20011030 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Mike Dave April Margaret Eddie STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: Enough with the booty shaking, man! What are you trying to do, scar me for life? Dave: HEEEEEEY! Why, if it's Mike, my bestest friend in the whooole world! Mike: And there you go with the scarring thing again! Mike: I can't BELIEVE this! You too, April? April: Not my fault. Wuz tricked by these two. Some friends... Margaret: Meeeh. *hic* Ya should be gratefal. Ya were borin', we made ya party... Mike: Geez! We'll discuss this later. Move towards the door, we'll pick Roger on the way out. Eddie: Your check, sir. Mastercard, Visa or kidney? DATE 20011031 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Eddie Mike Dave Margaret April Marsha STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: Whywhat the...? Where in the...? I didn't order any of this! Just a couple of cherry sodas! Eddie: Well, ask your friends. You can't get plastered off of cherry soda, can you? Dave: Don't think I ordered anything but I moight be wrong. Afffter all, I dun remember the name of my first newborn either. Margaret: 'S not a newborn, silly... it's Frag, our pet grenade! Socute....socute... eheheheeeehehehe! April: Yer lying. We 'nt order a THING from you or your twin brother. And I'm gonna kick yer ass! Eddie: Wow. I wonder if she's got a boyfriend? Mike: Marsha, I need a favor. Get everybody in a cab and make sure they get home. Marsha: No WAY. I'm not leaving you with this trouble. Mike: I'll be fine, but please get them out of here before they get me in more trouble. Marsha: Oh, all right. DATE 20011101 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Marsha Roger Dave Margaret April STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Marsha: Roooooger! Come down here, I got something for you! Roger: Milk *hic* bone??? Marsha: Come down, Roger... I think I saw a roadrunner out there... Roger: Allriiiight! Dave, Margaret: One two three, kick! One two three, kick! Roger: Waaait. Dishe zay roadrunner? Thought she said streetwalker... April: Idiots. All of ya... Marsha: Yeah, enjoy it while you can... if Mike gets in trouble because of you dorks, I'm gonna deliver some serious SPANKIN'... DATE 20011102 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Eddie Mike Harold STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: All right, enough nonsense. I'm not gonna pay for those drinks because you and I know that my friends didn't order them. Who are you working for? Eddie: In the hypothetical case that was true, what's in it for me? Mike: For one thing, I could give you the phone number of my friend the Sexy Blondie Wonder. If you're interested. Eddie: That SOUNDS interesting... but how about a date? Mike: Mh. Okay, you got it. Mike: Harold, my man! I can't believe you got promoted from solid garbage boy to liquid garbage manager! Harold: I see we stil have roaches around here... I'm gonna sue the plague control service. DATE 20011105 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Harold Mike STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: I don't know why you're asking for trouble, Harold. I STILL have those nice pics of you... Harold: Hah hah. Go ahead and show 'em around. I broke up with Annie and Milly dumped me. Harold: You always think you've got your ass covered. I got you this time, Mike. Mike: You think I'm stupid, right? Of course I know Milly dumped you. But I'm wondering what Annie's husband is gonna say if I show him the pics and I spice the story up a little... Harold: That might be a problem. But I'm willing to take the risk just for the satisfaction of getting back at you. Mike: As you like it, but that way we BOTH lose. Instead, why don't we decide it with a little armwrestling. If you beat me I'll pay and give you the pics. If I beat you, it's on the house. Unless you're too afraid of me. Harold: You wouldn't beat a mosquito without your tentacle, Mike. Mike: No tentacle. Harold: All right. But keep the pics. If I win, I wanna set you on fire. Mike: Meh. Okay. DATE 20011106 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Harold Mike STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Harold: Consider yourself barbequed, Mike. I've been working out. It's gonna be so easy it's almost not worth it. Mike: Oh yeah? I've been throwing my roommates around myself. So why are you putting cotton in your ears? Are your little girl screams that deafening? Harold: Pfft. I know the way you work. You're gonna try to distract me with something so I let my guard down. Not gonna happen, you see... Mike: That's just irresponsable, man. What if there's a UFO or a busty celebrity behind you? Harold: Sorry. Didn't hear the last thing you said. Harold: Let's get this started already... My boss said I have exactly ten minutes to crush you like a bug, set you on fire, point and laugh. Mike: Ba-pssch. You're complaining? Well, *I* have three seconds to come up with a new plan... DATE 20011107 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Harold Mike STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Harold: Umph! Oh no. Ooooh NOOO.... Harold: Nnhghrrr...!!! There! That's better... Mike: WOK! DATE 20011108 SETTING The Music Cave CHARACTERS Harold Mike Dave Roger STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Harold: I'm so disappointed, Mike. I thought you'd put up more of a fight... Mike: I'm as shocked as you! Mike: I'm sure there was a logical process behind my idea, but I can't remember what it was... Mike: I think I'm not in my best... HEY! Harold: Relax, brandy is good for your hair, and a good fuel too! Mike: *grumble* Well I'm... uh, what are you guys doing here? Harold: Maybe they want to join in the fun? Dave: Hey... why're you botherin' my best friend in the whole world? Roger: Yah, and why'z he allowed to play funteen? He'nt won the limbo conteezt... DATE 20011109 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger Harold STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: Get out of here, guys! What do you want to do, ruin everything? Who called you anyway? Shoo, shoo! Dave: Alright, alright... we just thought... Roger: Good... I can look for th' roadrunner instead... Mike: There. I got rid of them. You can proceed. Harold: What? I can't believe you didn't weasel out of this one.... Mike: I never weasel out of my deals. If the deal was the fire I get the fire. Mike: I just need a... a second... *SIGH* hehehehe... oh yeah. Wooo! YES, I'm ready now... Harold: Wait a minute.... you're never that dumb! And you're never that honest, either! You're pretending... but why, why would you want me to set you on fire? Mike: Don't be ridiculous, man. Nobody likes to be set on fire... nobody likes that kind of EXTREME... mmmh... PAIN... Harold: Uh... Mike: So c'mon, c'mooooon.... I'm ready now, light my fire... yeah.... Dave: My God... yer two sick puppies...aren't ya... Mike: Hey, where are you going? You promised! Harold: Forget it! Mike: Can I borrow your lighter then? Harold: STAY AWAY FROM ME! Dave: Geez Mike... stop shoutin' that kind of stuff in public... DATE 20011112 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Dave Mike STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike:That was fun. Where are the girls? Dave: They leffft. We were playing "Tag" and Marsha was annoyed for some reshun. Dave: She started sshlappin' us around... Dave: Then she called a cab, and I toldar I was feelin' kinda sick... and she zaid... um, wait, what was it? She zaid... uuuuhm... Dave: I got it... tip of my tongue... I can do thish... Dave: Ah yeah... she zaid... "Whatever" Then she hit th' road... Mike: Gee, I wonder why she was annoyed? Dave: Meh. Yer girl's too grumpy. Unlike Marg'ret... DATE 20011113 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: I can't wait to get home... I think the low phase of the cold syrup is kicking in... I gotta keep my eyes open... Dave: Mm... Mike...? Mike: What kind of stupid town is this where you can't find a place to get a lousy cup of coffee at three in the morning? Dave: Can we shtop for a minute....? Gonna be SICK.... Mike: WHAT? Roger: Heeey... mebe I'm rrreally drunk, but I dun see how ridin' a car with halff yer body out of it helps you feel be*hic*ter... Dave: AAAAAAAH! Mike: Do I need to explain you everything? Fresh air, man, it's all about the fresh air. And the screaming. DATE 20011114 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: Well, we're almost there. It's been a wild night but we made it home in one piece. Hopefully, now we can crawl into bed and finally get some sleep. Dave, Roger: ZzzZZZZZZZZZ Mike: Just another night of babysitting you guys... but maybe someday you'll appreciate it. Mike: ZzzzZzzzzZzzZ DATE 20011115 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger Cop STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Cop: Mind if I interrupt your sleep, sir? Please step out of the car... Mike: ZZzzzZ-??? Mike: Eep. I'm sorry, officer. It's finals week, and I just kind of dozed off. Cop: Yeah, I can smell how sleepy you are... Mike: Mmh. Heh. Some dork poured a drink on me. Give me a test if you don't believe me. Cop: Funny... no as high as I thought. But still above the limit. Mike: WHAT? But I haven't had anything to drink! Not even WATER! Oh wait... does cold syrup show in that thing? Cop: Cold syrup, huh? Yeah, I guess all those bottles in the back seat are cold syrup... Mike: It's a BORROWED car! Cop: For a drunk guy, you give some snappy answers. Still, you're coming with me... DATE 20011116 SETTING Classroom, Cell CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger "Mr. Dover" STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Dave: Iiigh! Iiigh! I'm... *pant* here! Dave: Iiigh... sorry to be... iiigh, late! Got arrested, *pant* long story... Mr. Dover: Here you go. Hurry up, you might at least work enough problems to pass. Paper: 1. (No partial credit, 100 points) Your calculus final is in two hours and you're in a cell for underage drinking. What do you do? Dave: Uuuh??? Dave: AAAAAAAH! Uh... wait... AAAAAAH! Mike: She's awake, Jim! Roger: Ssshhhh... don't disturb the little brain drummers... unless you have a leech handy... DATE 20011119 SETTING Cell CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Dave: OOW! What happened? Why are we here? Roger: We got booze. Therefore we were drunk. Therefore we are here. Mike: Excuse me. I was NOT drunk. Just a little sleepy and a liiiittle high on cold syrup, that's all. Dave: Enggh. Why do I ever listen to you, Mike? If I had stayed home studying I wouldn't be in jail with a xhlemphregomfort hangover. Why? Why? Oh, why... Roger: I have a theory that our learning curve is actually SPIKEY, but I don't feel like explaining it. Mike: You are right, guys. This is all my fault.I should be punished for trying to relax a bit before the final with a little harmless dancing... Mike: Instead of BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF YOU GUYS LIKE I ALWAYS DO! Dave: UuUgh! The pain is the same in the end, you know? Roger: If only going werecoyote wasn't very bad for hangovers... DATE 20011120 SETTING Cell, Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Marsha Margaret STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Dave: *whimper* Mike: Geez, Dave. It's not the end of the world... Dave: I don't think you understand. The final is out THERE. We're in HERE> Stuck. Doomed. Dead. Mike: Meh. I've been in worse trouble than this. Anyway, we're still not doomed... the girls are trying to bail us out. Dave: With what money? Mike: Don't worry! My girl's resourceful. Marsha: All right, people, look lively here! Running out of time, not enough money! April: Voila! Found a quarter under the couch. Marsha: snap snap Margaret: Mmgghn... for the love of God... I'll do whatever you want but shut up... DATE 20011121 SETTING Cell CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: Well, the final must be starting now. Guess we'll miss it after all. Dave: I hope you're happy, Mike. You ruined my life yet AGAIN. Mike: Hey, don't blame ME. I didn't get you drunk... Margaret did! Dave: You're LYING. She wouldn't do something like that to me. Mike: I've heard that line so many times, Dave. But who knows? Maybe she thought you're SUCH a loser you'd be more fun drunk. Dave: She didn't think... she... Mike: Oh sorry! I forgot you regularly read her mind! Why don't you take all your self-pity and stuff it up your behind? Roger: Could you guys stop rhyming so much? I'm trying to focus into NOT becoming a werecoyote... aw, HELL... Dave: Stuff THIS! Mike: UGH! Dave: THWACK! DATE 20011122 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Wall: CRACK Mike: Ba-psssch. Look what we've done, guys. Another big hole in another nice wall. Dave: Eeh. Do you think we're gonna have to pay for that? Mike: As always, no. Let's make like a banana and SPLIT. Roger: OW. Don't speak about SPLITTING... DATE 20011123 SETTING Park CHARACTERS Mike Dave Roger STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: HeeHEEEE! This is the way we escape from jail, escape from jail, escape from jail... Dave: Mike, shut up! I'm trying to freak out over the fact that I'm a fugitive and I didn't stufy Chapter 14! Roger: Meh, let him smile. After all we could use time slowing down for once! DATE 20011124 SETTING Classroom CHARACTERS Marsha Mike April Roger Dave Margaret STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Marsha: I'm glad you made it to the final, Mike... but aren't you in some major trouble now? Mike: Mmh. Maybe. But after all, my blood test should testify I was not DUI. Mike: Maybe I should sue someone for sticking me in an insecure cell with less than solid walls... April: Heh. Did you really bust out of jail? I can't imagine it... Roger: Well, April. It's like I've always said... momentum is your little friend... Dave: Say, Margaret... Do you remember anything about last night? Margaret: Blank. April says we were tickling each other. They're obviously pulling our legs. Dave: Yeah, that's what I thought too. DATE 20011125 SETTING Eddie's Apartment CHARACTERS Eddie Mike Roger Fluffy STORYLINE The F Word TEXT Mike: Hey Eddie. It's Mike. Remember your date with Sexy Blondie Wonder? Eddie: Mmh. Mike, do you know what time it IS? Mike: Yep. Time to get ready for it. Eddie: What? RIGHT NOW??? Mike: It's never too early for some sugar, right? Heheheheh... Eddie: But I...! Phone: *click* Door: knock knock Roger: Okay, first let's et the rules. I never smooch on the first date, and even less on a geology date, and even less with a guy. I'm not into guys. Second, we have to guess the approximate age (give or take a million years) of our favorite rocks. The loser pays for lunch and museum tickets. Eddie: BTAF! DATE 20011126 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Roger Chester STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Roger: So you finally woke up... Dave: Yeah. I slept for 16 hours, but I recovered by long-term memory Dave: What's that thing? Roger: It's a mechanical arm for Mike. He's going home soon and he doesn't want the Ultimate Evil to know about his tentacle. Dave: Why? Roger: Because the Ultimate Evil is gonna... Dave: No, I mean, why are YOU making it? Roger: Dunno. Just occurred to me. Dave: Did you hypnotize him again, Mike? Mike: Man, is accusing me of stuff your new hobby or something??? NO! DATE 20011127 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Chester STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Dave: You DID hypnotize him! You have a pocket watch right there! Mike: Pfft! It goes to show you how paranoid you are. This is NOT a pocket watch! Dave: It IS, too! Mike: It's NOT! Does this LOOK like a pocket watch to you? Huh? Dave: Stop wriggling it around, I can't... Mike: Believe me, man, this is not a pocket watch! Dave: Mmh. For a moment it looked like... Mike: You look kind of thirsty... Dave: Now that you mention it, I AM. Mike: Since you're going to the kitchen can you fetch me a soda too? Dave: Sure. Hey, why are you smiling? Mike: I'm not smiling. Dave: Right. DATE 20011128 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Marsha: Woooo! I'm going home soon! Yeah! April: Wow, you really look forward to it. Marsha: Of course I do! You should too! April: Nah, I'm staying. My parents are gonna be traveling, and sometimes I just don't fit in... Marsha: Aw. Now I feel bad... April: Why? Margaret's staying too, so we're gonna make slumber parties and decorate and have movie marathons... Marsha: Now I feel worse... I'm gonna miss all the fun! DATE 20011130 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Mike STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Mike: Yesss! It's ready! Roger: Yup. Try it on. The sensors are aligned with your suction cups for control. Mike: It looks very good. Now the only thing I need is a latex glove. Roger: Try closing your fist. Mike: Wow! This damn thing is GREAT, Roger! Roger: Do I rock or what? Now try opening your hand. Roger: Do you know what works better than hypnosis on me? MONEY. Mike: Mmmph. DATE 20011201 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Marsha STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Marsha: It looks very good, Mike. Mike: Yeah, but it's very hard to control it. I guess I'll have to keep it hidden most of the time. Marsha: Pfft. What's the matter with you, Mike? You're never this negative. Mike: I guess I'm kind of depressed... Marsha: Why do you say that, honey? Mike: I don't know. Maybe because you won't be around. I'm gonna miss you... Marsha: Aaw. I'm gonna miss you too, but it's only for a few weeks. Mike: Besides, my Mom is gonna make me sing Christmas carols around the neighborhood just like every year. Marsha: Sucks to be you. DATE 20011202 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Marsha April Margaret STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Marsha: Well, this is it, girls. I'll see you next year... have a great time! April: You too! Cook a lot, because we're still not letting you put a foot inside the kitchen! Margaret: Yes, happy holidays, and thank your parents for getting a major pest away from us! Marsha: BWAAAAAAAAAAH! gonna *sob* miss you *sob sob* Margaret: April, please tell me you're not gonna do the same when you leave. April: I'm not leaving. Margaret: Oh DAMN... DATE 20011204 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Margaret: Sooo... why are you not going home? I know I would... April: It's kind of complicated... Margaret: You don't want to tell me, do you? April: Not really. Margaret: April's got a SE-cret! April's got a SEEEEcret! April: Oh yeah? Margaret wants me to go home so she can be alone with DAAAVE! April: You realize there's no one here, besides us, right? Margaret: Right. It's definitely not the same without Marsha. April: I bet she would have taken my side. Margaret: You WISH. DATE 20011205 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger Mike STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Mike: Rejoice, losers! I'm out of here! Dave: Good! Now I can have my happiness seizure... Roger: C'mon guys. Stop acting macho and admit your true feelings. Roger: We ARE good friends... we ARE gonna miss each other, and when something funny happens to us, we're gonna think "Boy, I wish my roommates were here..." Dave, Mike, Roger: BWAHAAAAAAHAHAHA! DATE 20011206 SETTING Mike's Garden CHARACTERS Mike STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Mike: *sigh* DATE 20011207 SETTING Mike's Garden CHARACTERS Blue Mike STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Blue: !!! Blue: HEEY!!! Blue: How are you??? I'm so happy to see you! Mike: What, Mom's been giving you all the punishment reserved for me? Blue: Exactly! DATE 20011208 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Chester Roger Fluffy STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Dave: YESSSSSS!!! Semester's over, Mike is soooo far away... I can finally relax... Roger: Relax??? Are you kidding? This is a very stressing time of the year. What about Christmas shopping, greeting postcards, and such? Dave: When are YOU going home? Roger: Eeyep. Nobody likes people who speak the truth. DATE 20011209 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Roger Diana STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Roger: Aaah. This is the life... not a worry in the world, and we can spend all day together if we feel like it... Diana: Yes... at least till tomorrow night. Roger: But I thought you were gonna stay a few more days! Diana: Roger... I want to spend as much time as I can with my dad. You never know... Roger: Oh. Okay. But you could lose me any of these days too, you know... Diana: Don't be silly. What could happen to you? Roger: Uh. I can't tell you. Diana: Aw, you know you can tell me anything... Roger: I'm not ready to tell you yet... Incidentally, do you like cats or dogs? Diana: Dogs, I guess. Roger: Marry me. DATE 20011210 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Dave: So, what are you girls doing today? April: We're gonna look for a small Christmas tree to decorate. Want to tag along? Margaret: I want a Christmas CACTUS! Dave: I suppose that'd be nice. I mean, it's not like I'm gonna have my own tree this year. Margaret: You're not going home for Christmas? God, what is wrong with you people? If I had a home to go to... Dave: It's not that... I just can't afford it. April: You didn't know??? Geez, get with the program! Margaret: What about Roger and Mike? April: Mike already LEFT! Margaret: Uuh. So that's why he was bungee-jumping with luggage... DATE 20011211 SETTING Marsha's House CHARACTERS Marsha "Marsha's Dad" "Marsha's Mom" STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Marsha: OoOoOooOooOoOooOoOoOhhh!!! What are you doing? What? Marsha's Dad: Uuh... just a boring salad, honey... Marsha: Let me HELP! Marsha's Dad: Eh, thank you, but I'm almost done! Marsha: Please? Marsha's Dad: Well... Marsha: Pretty pleeeeease??? Marsha's Dad: I... I suppose... Marsha's Mom: Ooh Marsha? Have you seen the new spice grinder? I'll let you hold it if you stop hypnotizing your father... Marsha: EEEEEEEEEE! DATE 20011212 SETTING Street CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Margaret: Okay! The first thing on our list is a huge spikey CACTUS! April: Margaret, we're getting a TREE. Ooh, look at THAT one! Margaret: That's what I said. A cactus. April: Tree! Margaret: Okay, okay. A cactus it is, then... DATE 20011213 SETTING Christmas Tree Store CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Dave: Whoa. Look at these prices. It seems like we're gonna have to get that Christmas cactus after all. Margaret: No WAY. I saw Mary-Ann buying a cactus at the other store. Dave: Again with the Mary-Ann thing? Boy, you really... April: I FOUND ONE! April: There's only one liiiitle problem... Margaret: It's UPSIDE DOWN! Dave: For that price, I'll walk on my hands around it and pretend the rest of the room is wrong. DATE 20011214 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Dave: Helium and balloons! Margaret: Aw. Now THIS is an upside-down Christmas Tree! April: It's so... so US! DATE 20011215 SETTING Mike's Garden CHARACTERS Expresso Mike Blue STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Mike: Expresso! Did you miss me? He looks to be in good shape. Blue: Of course he missed you... he was sad for two weeks. He only felt better after he ate a jar of cookies. By the way, how did you do last night? Mike: Last night? Blue: Yeah, your little "chat" with Mom... Mike: Ugly beyond comprehension. Blue: Wow. What did you do this time? Mike: Don't you know? I commited the horrible crime of running away where she can't follow me and pull my leash every time she feels like it, and surviving without her money... Blue: Oh. THAT. DATE 20011216 SETTING Mike's Garden CHARACTERS Blue Expresso Mike STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Blue: Soooo... are you gonna be a good brother and give me Dave's phone number so I can wish him a sex... um, Merry Christmas? Mike: But you already have it! Blue: Surely he didn't stay in your stinking apartment for the holidays... Mike: Well, yeah. I don't think he could pay for the trip home. Blue: What??? You fool! If he's gonna spend the holidays alone there, why the hell didn't you invite him over? Mike: Oh, good idea. Maybe if I sacrificed him to Magnus Draconis she would leave ME alone. Blue: Who CARES about Mom, Mike? He would be HERE with ME! Mike: Do you really think that'd make him fall for you? Blue: It would be at least a START. Mike: Blue, Dave's nuts about Margaret. You know that, right? You should forget about him, really. Blue: Are you saying I should give up? You underestimate me, bro. Mike: Oh no, I think you're gonna get exactly what you want. I'm just wondering how many casualties that'll bring... DATE 20011217 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Roger STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Dave: We're having a Marx Brothers movie marathon in a while. Want to join us? Roger: Ah gee, I can't. I'm leaving tonight and I have to deliver a Christmas gift first. Dave: What kind of gift? Roger: You know, the usual Christmassy stuff. Let's see... a framed pic of my dad and sister, a chew toy and fast food. Dave: I see. I'd go with you, but I'm afraid your mother doesn't like me since I zapped her because she was trying to eat Margaret. Roger: Aw, she DOES like you. She'd probably like you better with chili sause and a side order of french fries, though. DATE 20011218 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Margaret Chester STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Roger: Well, I'm off. I'll see you guys after the holidays. By the way, they delivered this a while ago... I think it's from your parents. Dave: Neat, thanks! Probably a card... Dave: Uuh? Whoa! What...? Margaret: Well, well. Looks like someone's either buying us all very expensive presents or going home for Christmas after all! DATE 20011219 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Dave: Wow. This is so... unexpected... And we, we already had plans. Margaret: Plans? Don't make me laugh. All we'll have will be pathetic attempts to forget that everybody out there is going home, while we sit and eat trkey sandwiches and pretend it's a Christmas dinner... April: HEY! Margaret: Sorry. Dave, I thought you wanted to go home. Dave: I do. I REALLY do... but... if you want me to stay... Margaret: And why the hell would I want you to do that??? Go home and enjoy your family while you still can. They won't be around forever... and you can see our ugly faces for the rest of the year anyway. April: HEY!!! DATE 20011220 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April Chester STORYLINE Holidays TEXT Dave: Well, this is it. Say, can you take care of Chester while I'm gone? Now that I think about it, my mom doesn't like pets... Margaret: Sure! Dave: *sigh* This is... harder than I thought. I wish there was a way we could spend the holidays together... Are you sure you don't want to come with me? We'd have fun... Margaret: Mmh. No, thanks. I'm not a very social person. Dave: You could *try*. Margaret: Why do you have to make a big soap opera out of this? You're only leaving for a few days. Stop being so sentimental! Dave: It wouldn't kill YOU to get sentimental once in a while, Margaret. Margaret: Wrong. If I got sentimental at this time of year, I'd probably end up killing myself. Dave: Geez. I'm sorry. Forget I said anything... Margaret: I'm sorry too. It's not your fault, either. Merry Christmas. Dave: Merry Christmas to you too. April: Are you people blind??? There was a bad drawing of a mistletoe hanging just above you! Margaret: Oh, that? I thought it was marihuana... DATE 20011221 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Mike Marsha STORYLINE Guest Strips TEXT Marsha: Merry Christmas Mike. Mike: Awww thanks sweetie T-shirt: Property of Marsha Hart Mike: Ooooh goodie. Marsha: I even got you matching undies. DATE 20011222 SETTING Marsha's House CHARACTERS Marsha "Marsha's Dad" "Marsha's Mom" STORYLINE Guest Strips TEXT Marsha: Ooh! I love this tree! Where'd you get it Daddy? It smells so fresh! Marsha's Dad: I didn't feel like paying the outrageous dealer prices this year so I got it straight from the woods. Marsha's Mom: Honey, where's the .22? The "Snow White" syndrome is acting up again. Marsha: I will not kill my father. It would be wrong to kill him... DATE 20011223 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave April Margaret STORYLINE Guest Strips TEXT Dave: I'm going out. You want to join me? April: Nah... I just got a tape in and fresh cup of coffee... Dave: Uh... I was going out to stretch my legs. You want to join me? Margaret: Sure! Let me get my coat. Coming? Dave: Right behind you! DATE 20011224 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Margaret Dave STORYLINE Guest Strips TEXT Margaret: Must have snowed... Dave: Yeah. Margaret: Dave, why do you keep bothering? Dave: Because I love you. I always have. Margaret: But why? Dave: Does it matter? Margaret: To me it does... Margaret: You've been killed. Dave: I came back... Margaret: Beaten by Mike. Dave: It was a misunderstanding... Margaret: Gored by a bull. Dave: It was confused. Margaret: Almost drowned. Dave: I was trying to save you. Margaret: And the fever? Dave: You saved me. DATE 20011225 SETTING Outside CHARACTERS Dave Margaret STORYLINE Guest Strips TEXT Margaret: It's not a cactus but it is rather pretty. Dave: Yeah... but few things in the world are prettier than you. Merry Christmas, Margaret. Margaret: Merry Christmas Dave. DATE 20011226 SETTING Discount Pet Store CHARACTERS Mike "Pet Store Clerk" STORYLINE Guest Strips TEXT Mike: WHAT?? Mike: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE AAA BATTERIES? THIS IS LIFE AND DEATH! Clerk: BUT SIR... DATE 20011227 SETTING Girls' Apartment CHARACTERS April Margaret MilesFoxx STORYLINE Guest Strips TEXT Margaret: Hypothetically speaking, April, what would you do if you.. oh, say.. lost a friend's cat? April: You LOST CHESTER? Margaret: Whatever gave you that idea..? April: Margaret, tell me you didn't lose Chester. Margaret: I didn't lose Chester, alright? The little bugger ran off during target practice, but don't worry. If he's lost, I got Dave a new pet. Margaret: He'll never know the difference. MilesFoxx: erf..? DATE 20011228 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger "Mr. Hand" Mike Dave STORYLINE Guest Strips TEXT Roger: zzzz Mr. Hand: muhahaha!! with everyone asleep, i can beat this guy into a come and get permanent control of this body!! Roger: HUH? Mr. Hand: Crap he woke up! I'm outta here Roger: Hmmm, somebody's bleeding. I better follow the trail and help that person, before mike hurts him for messing up the carpet Mike: So why's weirdo here running around in circles through the house? Dave: Maybe his inner dog is trying to go to sleep? Roger: Exactly how big is this apartment anyway? DATE 20011229 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Roger Dave Mike Marsha Margaret April STORYLINE Guest Strips TEXT April: They're fighting over the remote again. Margaret: Ah, let 'em. Better than what's on TV. Marsha: But they're fighting in front of the bathroom -- and I gotta gooooo. DATE 20011230 SETTING Wasteland CHARACTERS Dave Margaret April Marsha Mike Roger Luis Rosa Diana STORYLINE Guest Strips TEXT Margaret: Dave... DAVE! Margaret: Dammit, David! Wake up already! Dave: Awww... Margaret. Margaret: He looks OK. Though... April: I see Marsha: We found two survivors! Mike: Behave! Luis: Caution with the tenta-OW! Roger: Two? Roger: I only see one. Luis: What!? Rosa is alive, for God's sake! Roger: Oh, so you are here. I thought you were my friend Barney. Luis: Great. Rosa: I'm still alive!? IT HURTS!!! Mike: We must survey every place in the earth and find survivors. Margaret: Why bother? The world is outs already! Mike: We need slaves. April: Mike! April: Don't even consider making me lose my virginity! Roger: No way, you're too weird for me. I miss Diana! Luis: Don't look at us! We're a couple too! Rosa: Right Roger: Diana! Diana: Dad, Paul, everyone... BWAAAAAH! Roger: Awww... Margaret: Why this headband? Arrow: Margaret April: Awww... Rosa: Fa quete veai distinta en blanco y negro.* Margaret: Huh? Rosa: Nothing. Subtitle: So you look distinct in B/W Marsha: Yeah, looks good, Dave. Rosa, Lunch is ready! Margaret: Now you can untie Marsha, Mike! Marsha: *sigh* Margaret: OK, I'm going! DATE 20011231 SETTING Boys' Apartment CHARACTERS Dave Mike Lily "Roger's Dad" Roger STORYLINE Guest Strips TEXT Mike: Hey Dave, get rid of these blue shrooms. We've had enough trouble with them already. Dave: What am I supposed to do with a bag of hallucinogenic blue mushrooms? Mike: I don't care, just make sure we never see them again. Dave: *tap*tap*tap*tap* Computer: Welcome to eBid! Your online auction site! Dave: *tap*tap*tap*tap Dave: Okay Mike, they're all gone. Mike: Really? Good job! Dave: You'd hate me if you knew how much shrooms sell for online... Mike: Hmm? Dave: Nothing! Roger: That's a great looking tree Roger: This year the presents are extra special! Roger's Dad: How were you financially able enough to buy me the top of the line WebMaster 3000? Roger: My spider sense led me to believe that... Roger's Dad: Nevermind. I just hope it was by legal means. Lily: Tell me, bro: what is working at Chippendales like?